Favorite Joke Thread

by MoaddinFM

Posted: 18 years ago 23 replies

OFF TOPIC

Well, as the Olympics is quite actual theme there was an American visiting China. And of course he was asking all he could imagine about China to his host. With all these little yellow people and their culture they were so different. So, one day he decided to ask not well informed about the politic system: "When do you have elections?" But his host didn´t seem to understand his question. So he asked again: "When do you have elections, elections, you know?". But it seemed that his chinese host didn´t want to answer him and got upset. So he decided to ask him one last time, because it was really interesting him. "W h e n d o y o u h a v e e l e c t i o n s?". The chinese host only got somewhat red in the face and nervous. He seemed to be embarrased, but finally answered: "... evely molning"

Sorry for my english, I´m no native Speaker

But I think it´s funny anyways *hehe*

BuddyT

Banned 18 years ago

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Ken Strong 18 years ago

Man walks into a bar with a duck on his head.

Bartender says, "Whoa! Where'd you get that?"

Duck says, "I don't know -- it started out as a pimple on my butt."
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Chris8

18 years ago

Originally Posted by BuddyT

Guy walks into a bar and says, "What's the quickest way to Boston?"
Bartender says,"Are you walking or are you driving?"
Guy says," I'm driving."
Bartender says," Yeah, that's the quickest way."

Badump bump.

Haha, That's really a good joke and the "Old man-Swimming pool-Naked girls" is also a good one.

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espacecadet

Banned 18 years ago

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locking

18 years ago

What is a bunny's motto?
"Don't be mad, be hoppy!"

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1 reply

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David Campbell

18 years ago

Q: If the cheese doesn't belong to you, what kind of cheese is it?

A: Well, it's Nacho Cheese!

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espacecadet

Banned 18 years ago

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nermin28

18 years ago

Originally Posted by espacecadet

Not yo cheese....funny!

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

:rolleyes:

HAhahahaahahahaha oh God i need a minute

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eljay003 18 years ago

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions :

Lawyer : Have you any grounds
Polish man : Yes,an acre and half and nice little home.
Lawyer : No. I mean, what is the foundation of this case?
Polish man: It made of concrete.
Lawyer : I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Polish man: No, we have carport, and not need one.
Lawyer : I mean, what are your relations like?
Polish man: All my relations still in Poland.
Lawyer : Is there any infideli ty in your marriage?
Polish man: We have hi-fidelity and good DVD player.
Lawyer : Does your wife beat you up?
Polish man: No,I always up before her.
Lawyer : Is your wife a nagger?
Polish man: No, she white.
Lawyer : Why do you want this divorce?
Polish man: She going to kill me!
Lawyer :What makes you think that?
Polish man: I got proof.
Lawyer : What kind of proof?
Polish man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: " Polish Remover".
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- Phil Jacobson 18 years ago
  
  Say Silk 10 times out loud.
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  SILK
  
  Next...... What do cows drink?
  
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  >>>>>>>
  
  Not Milk
  
  Water.
  
  HA!
  
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  Why Drink Coffee only?
  
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  Phil Jacobson 18 years ago
  
  I was outside yesterday checking the postbox and I saw this snail eating my damn mail.
  
  So I had to tell that snail straight.
  
  Lettuce. Not Letters.
  
  OMG!!
  
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  espacecadet Banned 18 years ago
  
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  David Campbell 18 years ago
  
  So this guy goes to the doctor. "Doc, you gotta help me! Every time I go to sleep I keeping having the same dream. It wakes me up and then I can't get back to sleep. I haven't slept well for two weeks and it's driving me nuts!"
  
  "What do you dream about?" asks the doctor.
  
  "Night after night I dream about wigwams." First I dream I'm one wigwam. Then I dream I'm another wigwam. Sometimes the wigwams talk to each other, but it's always me talking. Doc, You gotta help! What's wrong with me?"
  
  "Nothing serious," says the doctor. "You're just two tents."
  
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  HeySal 18 years ago
  
  A guy goes hunting and gets shot in the shoulder.
  He goes to the doctor who says he has to remove the bullet and starts to give the guy a shot for pain.
  The guy says: "I don't want the shot, just take the bullet out."
  Doctor: "Sir this is an extremely painful operation, you need the shot"
  Guy: "I'm not worried about it - I don't like shots"
  Doctor: "But sir the pain........"
  Guy: "Doc, I don't need to be told about pain. I know all about pain. You have no clue what the second worst pain I ever felt was."
  Doctor: "What was that, sir?"
  Guy: "I was out hunting and had to take a dump furiously....so I went behind a bush and squatted down - and a bear trap caught me by the balls"
  Doctor: "HO MY GOD! That was the second worst pain? What could be worse? What was the first worst pain then?"
  Guy: "Oh, that was when the slack ran out of the chain."
  
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  Mary Gallivan 18 years ago
  
  Why don't they have ice cubes in Ireland?
  
  Because the old lady that had the recipe died!
  
  Mary
  
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  espacecadet Banned 18 years ago
  
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Michael Oksa 18 years ago

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- Tom Brownsword 18 years ago
  
  A termite with dentures walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"
  
  The guy serving drinks says, "No, it's made from oak"...
  
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  espacecadet Banned 18 years ago
  
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  Rick McCombs 18 years ago
  
  An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
  years. He had a large pond in the back.
  
  It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice
  picnic tables,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
  trees.
  
  One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as
  he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed
  a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
  
  As he neared the pond,he heard voices shouting And
  laughing with glee..
  
  As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
  skinny-dipping in his pond.
  
  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
  the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
  coming out until you leave!"
  
  The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
  ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
  
  Some old men can still think fast.
  
  Thanks
  
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  \"Person who say something cannot be done, should not interrupt person doing it.\"
  
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  winkypee Banned 18 years ago
  
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  espacecadet Banned 18 years ago
  
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  John Rowe 18 years ago
  
  Two blonds walk into a building.
  You'd think one of them would have seen it.
  
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  espacecadet Banned 18 years ago
  
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  Iain Ainsworth 18 years ago
  
  A guy manages to get this hot girl back to his house, and they're ripping off each other's clothes when she notices the scars on his knees.
  
  "Oh when I was a kid I contracted kneesles,"
  he explains.
  
  "You mean measles?" she says.
  
  "Oh no, Kneesles. A rare condition of the knee"
  
  So they continue undressing each other, unfazed. Until she noticed his crooked toes.
  
  "Ah I also contracted toelio."
  
  "Don't you mean polio?"
  
  "No, I got toelio. Like polio, but only affecting the toes"
  
  Bored by his explainations, she shrugs it off. Until he drops his pants.
  
  "Let me guess.." she says,
  
  "Smallcox?"
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Iain Ainsworth 18 years ago
  
  And my favorite
  
  A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions – from fear to happiness, and so on.
  
  The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
  
  "What have you come as?" the host asks.
  
  "I’m green with envy." says the guest.
  
  "Wow, that’s brilliant!" says the host. "Come in and have a drink."
  
  A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts.
  
  "Wow, great outfit," says the host. "And you’ve come as…"
  
  "I’m tickled pink! of course!" she says.
  
  "Brilliant!" the host replies.
  
  Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One’s standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other’s got his cock stuck in a pear.
  
  "What the hell are you both doing?" screams the host.
  
  "Well, I’m ****ing dis custard and he’s come in dis pear!"
  
  Thanks
  
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- Michael Oksa 18 years ago
  
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  Don Hill 18 years ago
  
  The Equation
  
  Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:
  
  Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
  
  Postulate 2: Time is Money.
  
  As every engineer knows,
  
  Work = Power * Time
  
  Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
  
  Work = Knowledge * Money
  
  Solving for Money, we get:
  
  .............Work
  Money = ----------
  .............Knowledge
  
  Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.
  
  Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
  
  Thanks
  
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  myob 18 years ago
  
  A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
  "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
  
  "There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
  
  "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
  
  "Gold of course", says the man proudly.
  
  The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
  
  Thanks
  
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  espacecadet Banned 18 years ago
  
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  Barry Walls 18 years ago
  
  "knock knock"
  
  "Who's there?"
  
  "interrupting Cow"
  
  "interrupting cow w..."
  
  "Moooooooooooooooooo"
  
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  1 reply
  
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  Sumit Menon 18 years ago
  
  Goldfish 1: Do You believe in God?
  
  Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water in the bowl?
  
  Thanks
  
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  espacecadet Banned 18 years ago
  
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  HeySal 18 years ago
  
  I'd be laughing harder if I wasn't shaking my head in disgust that this came from the mouth of the President of the United States.
  
  Don't be pompous - I'm sure you stumble on your tongue a bit when you're drunk, too.
  
  A dude walks into a psychiatrist office wrapped in seran wrap. The psychiatrist tells him "Well, I can cleary see yur nuts.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Sal
  When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
  Beyond the Path
  
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  espacecadet Banned 18 years ago
  
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  meche Banned 18 years ago
  
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  Rick McCombs 18 years ago
  
  Can you solve this puzzle?
  You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
  On your left side is a drop off.
  On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
  In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
  and you can't seem to overtake them.
  Behind you is a stampede of horses.
  What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
  For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
  *Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.*
  
  Thanks
  
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  \"Person who say something cannot be done, should not interrupt person doing it.\"
  
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Iain Ainsworth 18 years ago

Here are two of my six-year-old's favorite jokes:

Q. What do you call a Donkey with three legs?

A. Wonkey

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick
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Favorite Joke Thread

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