funny joke for you

Good one..lovely wife

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

lolzzzzzzzz do u have any more?

hahahahha! Nice joke

smart wife she wants to see her husband died... super duper lolzzzzz..

hahahaha. Its really funny joke...

hahahah... Maybe she wants to inherit all of his riches.. hahaha!

Oh his wife so funny

lol...i need this...thanks...hhehe

LOL, nice joke.

Hahaha! these jokes are hilarious

Q. What's green and red?
A. A very mad frog. Q. What's green with red spots?
A. A frog with the chicken pox!

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a dog but unfortunately they are all sold out, so the shopkeeper suggestes he buy a centipede instead.

The shopkeeper tells the man "centipedes make very good pets and can do anything a dog can do". So the man asks the shopkeeper "will a centipede chase after a ball?". "Yes, they are very playful" says the shopkeeper."Ok" says the man, "can a centipede go down to the shop in the morning and bring my newspaper back like my old dog used to before he died?" "A centipede can do that easily" responded the shopkeeper. "OK" the man says, "I'll take one".

So he gets his new pet centipede home and decides to see how smart centipedes really are. He says to the centipede "what I want you to do is take this pound coin, go down to the shop at the end of the street and bring me back a newspaper. Ok?"

"Ok" says the centipede "leave it to me" and out the front door he goes. Anyway time passes by and two hours later there's no sign of the centipede, and the mans thinking to himself he's either lost or dead and decides to go look for him. As he opens the front door, there's the centipede sitting on the doorstep. The man says "where have you been all this time and where's my newspaper?", and the centipede replies "give me a chance to get my shoes on".

Boom Boom. Olden, but still golden.

Funny jokes guys. Nice to know we like to entertain each other as well as educate!

I have heard this joke already.it is nice.

One morning, a wife is nagging her husband about wasting money on beer and says he can't go a day without drinking. The husband says of course he can and doesn't pick up his usual tall boy on the way home that night. When the wife gets home she has a shopping bag with $50 in makeup in it. He says, "Hey, I gave up my beer but you aren't cutting back at all!" The wife replies, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you!" The husband exclaims, "Hell woman, that's what the beer was for!"

Laugh break! Lol! Nice wife...

The Experiment.


A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!

Just Curious::: Did you say this was 1st or 2nd grade?

A farmer has three beautiful daughters that all come of dating age at the same time. Everyone tells the farmer that he better be careful because every two-legged hound in the county will be after the girls.

He tells them not to worry. On the night the three girls all have their first date the farmer is found sitting on the front porch with his shotgun in his lap waiting to meet each of the guys. The first one arrives, approaches the farmer, and says,

"My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're goin' to a show. Is she ready to go?"

The farmer nods politely, calls Flo and the two leave.

Another car pulls up and a nervous young man approaches the porch.

"My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're goin' for spaghetti. Is she ready?

The farmer nods politely, calls Betty and the two leave.

A third car pulls up. The young man approaches the porch and says,

"My name's Chuck..."

The farmer shot him where he stood.

Truth sometimes hurts.

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.

Lady says to Man... Your drunk.. Man reply's... Yes Madam but I'll be sober in the morning and you will still be ugly.

How do you get a fat woman into bed?

...


(Piece of cake!)

Not so loving wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

"My friend died at sea recently...so at the funeral we made a wreath out of a life belt...it's what he would have wanted"

very nice joke

One blonde calls to another blonde across the river, "Hey, how do you get over to the other side of the river?" She answers back, "Stupid! You're already on the other side.

i have that joke in my sms but good one ..

A man is walking down the street, and meets an old friend walking a beautiful Irish Setter...
"Hi Mick - how are you? What a lovely dog you have there..."
Mick replies, "yeah, I just got her back - she had gotten out last week, and I thought I'd lost her forever, but a neighbor spotted her at the big Revlon factory downtown - I found out they were using her for Cosmetic Research!

The man replies, My Word! That's Terrible! - she looks to be OK now though...

And Mick says - "Yeah, she's OK -but now every time I want to take her out for a walk -
It takes her FOREVER TO GET READY!

I hope I didn't brain my damage from reading these. : )

A girl talking to a boy at a yard sale.
She asks how much is this shirt?
The boy responds: "5 kisses".
The girl then asks, how much for this dress?
The boy responds: "10 kisses".

The girl responds: "Okay, I want them both. My dad will pay."

[courtesy of my 11 year old boy]

That reminds me of my brother's wife haha Very cool joke

that.s really funny . if do you have more please share.

A Boy Was Going With His Girl Friend
Friend Asked : Who Iz She?
Boy : My Cousin.
da Friend Said: Last Year She Was My Cousin.!

My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning!!! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

As a new husband, I am learning to speak less and less everyday, it just makes everything better

Did anyone else expect something a little funnier? I dont know why I expected more but I didn't even crack a smile. I think I'm just jadded.

He almost ruined it...

Hahaha, very true. That's also why Authorities sell

Once upon a time in a faraway land, a beautiful, independant, self-assured princess happened upon a frog while contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow, near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping with my mother in your castle, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so."...........

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: HA YA I DON'T THINK SO.

gooood joke XD

After many long years of marriage, a couple decides to go out onto their front porch. The wife sits down in her rocking chair, while her husband is relaxing in his favorite chair beside her with his favorite beer in hand. She stares off into the sunset.

The husband after awhile says, "I've loved you for so long. I don't know that I could've lived or made it without you."
The wife then says, "Honey, are you sure that's not the beer talking?"
The husband replies, "Of course not, I was talking to the beer."

Johnny turns up an hour late for school and the teacher demands to know where he's been.

"It wasn't my fault sir, the road was so icy that every time I took a step forward I slipped two steps back!"

The teacher thinks he's caught Johnny out, "If you slipped back two steps after every step then how on Earth did you get to school in the first place?"

Quick as a flash Johnny replies, "it took so long to get half way I thought f**K it and went home!"

Ha ha!! it is funny enough to make me laugh. I enjoyed it a lot.

I like the Little Johnny jokes a lot !

LOL excellent it this information helps a lot

Your Mom is so poor she has to borrow money from homeless people.
Your Mom is so poor that her TV only has two channels: On and Off.
Your Mom is so poor for Christmas she gave you a video of other people having Christmas.
Your Mom is so poor that in her neighborhood a rainbow appears only in black and white.
Your Mom is so poor she got married for the rice.
Your Mom is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street wearing just one shoe and asked her, "Hey, did you lose a shoe?" She replied, "No, I found one."
Your Mom is so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.
Your Mom is so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus.
Your Mom is so poor, she cant kill the roaches because they pay her rent.
Your Mom is so po' she can't afford the 'or'.
Your Mom is so poor she had to put her cardboard box on a second mortgage.
Your Mom is so poor I walked in her front door and went out the back.
Your Mom is so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing, she said, "Moving."
Your Mom is so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers.
Your Mom is so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Your Mom is so poor your family had to eat cereal with a fork to save milk.
Your Mom is so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Your Mom is so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

LOL!!

really very funny I like this joke.

LOL.... this is funny

Patient talking to his Doctor..

Patient - Doc, please! Help me with this!

Doctor - Hey, calm down a bit. What exactly is your problem?

Patient - My problem is THIS...! (pulls down his shorts)

The Doctor jumped in shock. The guy had a weenie the size of a pea.

Doctor - OMG! What on earth happened to that?

Patient - I told you so Doc. It's been swelling for 2 weeks.

This isn't a joke, but it's hilarious nevertheless. Enjoy!

True Wife.

Hahahah! For some fellas out there! MoyMoy Palaboy is The best! LOL!

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from older boys and he wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took this question to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. “Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it. “I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. “I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. “When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw…… I should have told her about the one down at the lake. “Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to keep it from biting again. “Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them. “After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. “Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives. “This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet…”

A funny one liners:
"I don't need Google!My wife knows everything!"

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning, she looked out the window and there was a box
gift-wrapped on the driveway.

She brought the box into the house, opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale, Bob has been missing since Friday.

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, "You're next!"

After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals!

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definitely blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definitely green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definitely **** my pants!"

going to the doctor
I went to the doctor's office to get a test if I am impotent.
The doctor gave me a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow."
The next day I went back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the I explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" Shock about his reaction I replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,we still couldn't get the jar open."

Keep this thread alive guys! LOL!

hahaa... what's with the women... the man seriously alive but she still insist on expert opinion.. :-) poor husband

Hahaha...funny jokes guys thanks for sharing

The trouble started when the rich woman failed to realize that the "servant" was actually a genie that appeared while one of her servants was polishing the fine antique lamp she'd found on the beach --and she said to him "Make me a cup of coffee, please"........

Open letter to roaches.

Good afternoon, you scuttling *******s.

I tried to be reasonable with you. At first, we had a stable relationship. I knew you were there, and every now and then I'd see one of you, but in general you kept quiet and had the good sense to scurry for hiding when I turned the lights on. One of you periodically stepped out of line, and had to be squashed, and then everything went back to normal. If you had just continued in that manner, we could have lived this entire year in peaceful coexistence.

But no, you had to get greedy. I began to see you more frequently, and in larger numbers. Your lights-on scurry grew slower and slower and became more of a relaxed trot, then a walk. Eventually, you had the audacity to sit right where you were and shake your head feelers at me. You had gone too far. It was time for war.

I began periodic sweeps of the apartment, armed with paper towels, and squashed anything that moved. I removed every possible food source from anywhere you might be able to reach it, even adding extra layers of wrapping to items in the fridge, just in case one of you somehow managed to make it inside. A couple of times, I even turned the lights off and stood motionless for five minutes, then flicked them back on and rained horrible death upon whichever of you had been lured out. I really thought this would have been enough to make my point.

However, you continued to defy all logic and reasoning, and to multiply and grow bolder. Three of you ran across my foot once; I killed two, but left one alive (but severely maimed) to tell the tale... clearly, you were beginning to affect my sanity, and I needed to up the ante in order to regain the upper hand in the battle for control of my apartment. So, I added the roach spray to my arsenal. This had little effect and made my apartment smell extremely questionable; I guess you vermin won that round.

I notified the management company, who has always been very responsive to any problem I have had with the place. There was some vague talk of fumigating or spraying or some other unspecified pest removal solution; somehow it kept falling through the cracks, and nothing ever happened. Well, I'm not sure who you bribed or threatened for that little stunt, but it was time to show you little 6-legged thugs that I wasn't afraid of you, no matter what kind of "connections" you had.

I had no alternative, I had to buy the roach poison traps. The way these are supposed to work is this - the cockroach smells the tasty poison/food, wanders into the trap, eats, returns to his/her hiding place, and then dies. The practical result is that they should appear to vanish from your home like magic. However, you at my apartment had grown not only bold, but complacent. After eating, you all just kinda decided to hang out for a while, and as a result died in an odd sort of corpse constellation across my kitchen floor.

The destruction was horrific. Some of your dead were being carried off by those who survived, almost like soldiers dragging the wounded into foxholes. Many of you were still twitching, apparently writhing in agony from the effects of the poison. The ravages of war are never pretty, and being a gentle person, part of me felt a little bit of remorse.

But now you know that it is, as they say, "on", and I'll push you ****ers all the way back to apartment 601 if I have to...

Sincerely, Fellow Apartment Dweller/Agent of your Doom

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything".

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone". "No more headaches?!?"

The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache.' Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone".

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!"

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom. This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!"


~MM~

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reeva, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.”

LOL!

No more joke?!

An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

LOL!!

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive and those that werent expletives, were to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the birds attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example, nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream then suddenly there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Davids extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the birds change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

~MM~

thats a good one

Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there" Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Ole notices that he has a few cuts an scratches.

Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

~MM~

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet -- caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

~MM~

Ever wonder my angels are on top of the Christmas Tree

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

hahaha

Hey nice collection of jokes...

Hahaha such a great joke..I can't stop laughing

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

Oh! What a wife....LOL

Hahaha...enjoy this thread

Ha! Would love to be married to that woman! Not. :rolleyes:

Yeah cool. Here's one.
What do you call a man outstanding in his field?

A farmer, haha, yeah corny aye.

Lol that was a pretty funny joke, thanks for the laugh

some great jokes.
keep them comin

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband,
I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the
best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a
letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.That
is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came
with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time
to plant the lettuce."

~MM~

A man walks into a bar (classic intro - it works with a kangaroo or a midget as well). He asks for a coffee.
- 2 euros and 50 cents

The guy looks in his pocket, take a euro and slides it all the way to the left corner of the counter, takes another euro and slides it all the way to the right corner of the counter and puts 50 cents in the middle.

The bartender is puzzled, a bit annoyed but thinks: what the heck, at least he paid.

The next day, the same guys walks in.
- A coffee please
-2 euros 50

same deal, one euro to the left, one euro to the right and 50 cents in the middle. The bartender walks to each corner grabs the coins, a little more annoyed. But again, he paid so what the heck.

This goes on every day for a few weeks.

One day, same guy, same bar
- One coffee
- 2 euros 50

the guy puts a 5 euro bill on the counter.

The bartender thinks to himself: "this is the perfect opportunity to get him back!"
he slides a euro on one side, a euro on the other side and puts 50 cents in the middle, with a big smile on his face.

The guys drinks his coffee and says:
- Another one please.

LOL!

This really make me laugh. thanks for sharing such amazing joke

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

LOL!

A Kiwi farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

The following morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The morning after he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

good one..

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"








(wait for it)








The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

This thread is a stress reliever

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss." Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and ask her a question in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!"

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large bre***s.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent bre***s. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

LOL!!!!!

i have too many, dont know if people are still reading the bottom ones.

oh i just realized.

my 2nd para of my sig file is a joke itself. ! hahahah

She's a great wife..

hahaha. LOVING THIS THREAD...

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia .

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

'Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

LOL!

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little *******

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -



- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Another one:

A Psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session w/4 mothers. "You all have obsessions" he says. To the 1st mother he says, "You are obsessed with eating & even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the 2nd Mother, "You're obsessed w/money & u named your child Penny." He turns to the 3rd Mother, "Your obsession is alcohol, & you named your child Brandy." At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand & whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a wrap of Saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."

LOL! So funny!

A couple decided to take 'Grandpa' to the Old People's Home or Senior's Home. Grandpa was pleading with them not to take him there for he felt happy living with his son and family. However one day they forced the old man to drive with them to the Senior's Home against his will.

The son accompanied by his little boy of 7 years old drove Grandpa to the Old Peoples' Home. The little boy was sad at all this and joined his Grandpa in protest but his parents were adamant that it was high time Grandpa goes to that Home. On the way the boy then said to his father 'Yeah, now I know where I will take you together with Mummy when you get old.'

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed.

Afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!

This made me howl. Had to share it...

The Black Bra:

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher

Five tips for a woman...



1. It is important to find a man that helps you around the house.

2. It is important to find a man that makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a man that loves you and spoils you.







5. It is VERY important that these four men don't know each other.

Man looks like one can talk about anything in this forum and not just internet and offline marketing, hahaha.

A man walks in a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank!

But, just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line,

'Did you see me rob this bank?
'
The customer replies 'Yes, I did!'

The bank robber raises his gun, points it to his head and BANG!!!!!...kills him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says loudly to this man,

'DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?'

The man calmly responds...

'No, I didn't, but my wife did!'

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

LOL!

No more jokes?!

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said,

"I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."


"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife

LOL! Nice Joke Karen

Here's another one:

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he ****s on you."

LOL!

LOL!!!!!!

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore
.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'



The pharmacist fainted.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

good one,hahahahahahha

Haha. Funny jokes. Thanks.

Nice one lol

Okay, I decided to bookmark this thread hoping to keep this alive few months back.

I love this thread because it has many very funny jokes. I will make this thread alive again for you to post your own jokes folks!

So come on! It's time to show us your jokes!

"OMG!"

A castaway hasn't see a single woman for the past years he's been stuck in the island, luckily a ship wreck tragedy bring a hot chick to the shore. The castaway quickly brings coconut to the poor lady thinking he can have a chance to score with her. The lady thanked the castaway for doing so, but clear things before the man even say a word. "Let me get this straight, even if you and I are the only people in this island, there's no way you can have your way in my pants, you understand me?" said the hottie. The castaway let out a huge sigh in frustration. "Awww!!...watta bummer!" "But can I just touch your boobs?" Then the chick thinks for a second and said, "Only if you pay for it, $50 for the left and another $50 for the right." The castaway didn't even think twice and quickly reply, "OK!" Upon having that deal, the chick quickly offered the castaway her big boobies. Enjoying the moment, the castaway screams nervously, "Oh my God, Oh my God!" Confused and a little irritated, the chick asks him, "WHAT?! IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME?!" He replied quickly, "No, it's just that, I don't have any money to pay for it!"

Smart *******! LOL!

Lemme also try one joke.. i don't know whether it has been posted below ...

The Blonde Cop !

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

LOL , Funny joke

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try
the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just
hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the
green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh . . . you're
supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

LOL.. How I wish I wont get a wife like her.. haha..
She doesnt want her husband to live.. xD

Nice jokes! keep it coming guys!

Man 1 sitting with dog.
Man 2:Your dog bites?
Man 1:No
Man 2 sits and the dog bites him!
Man 2 angrily, you said he does not bite!
Man 1:That is not my dog.

Two women from england moved to America. They decided that since it was a traditional American food they would try there first hot dog.They were talking about how mean it was to kill a helpless dog for food. So they went to a hot dog stand and bought the hot dogs. They found a park bench to sit on and eat there dogs. The first one opens hers and turns bright pink...
and says.....
"what part did you get?"

these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said "because my friend out there is picking a watermelon"!

The 1st grade teacher asked her class to tell a story with a moral to it.

lil Jennie went first: "We put our eggs in a basket to sell at the market but we went over a bump and all the eggs broke. The moral to my story is DONT PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET"

Very good the teacher replied. lil Katty went next. "Our hen laid 12 eggs but when the day came only 6 of them hatched. The moral to my story is DONT COUNT YOUR CHICKENS UNTIL THEY HATCH"

Excellent said the teacher. lil Johnny went last:

My Aunt Karen is a soldier in the Army. Her plane was shot down over Iraq. As the plane was losing altitude she only had time to grab a machine gun and a bottle of whiskey before she parachuted out. On the way down she drank the whiskey so that the bottle wouldnt break upon her landing. When she hit the ground she was surrounded by 100 Iraqi soldiers. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun before she ran out of bullets. She killed the other 30 with her bare hands...

Just then the teacher interupts "that's a horrible story Johnny what possible moral could that have"

Johnny answered-"You don't want to be around my Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

Three kids were walking down a dirt path in the forest. One of
the kids sees Bill Clinton drowing. The three boys save Bill
Clinton. Bill Clinton is so pleased that they saved his life he
decided to give each one of them a request. The first boy said,
"Chicks, lots of hot chicks." The second boy said, "Candy, lots
of candy." And the third boy said, "A coffin next to Grants
tomb." Bill Clinton asked why he wanted a coffin next to Grant's
tomb, and the boy said, "When my dad finds out that I saved your
life he is going to kill me."

Funny stuff lol

Bush was in Afghanistan on a visit, talking to Osama Bin Laden.
Osama would ask Bush questions, and when Bush gave a response
Bin Laden didn't like, he pressed a button, and a giant boxing
glove would hit Bush in the face.
When Osama came to America, he and Bush were talking. When Osama
said something Bush didn't like, he pressed a button, and
nothing happened. Osama kept answering questions, and Bush kept
pressing the button, but nothing happened.
When the day was over Osama said "When we get to Afghanistan,
i'll show you how we really do things."
Then Bush responds with a smile on his face "What Afghanistan?"

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?"The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer." "How can you tell?", inquires Harry. George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

Three boys were in the desert with only one bottle of water
left. They were all very thirsty, so they had a dreaming
contest. Whoever had the best dream would get the water, so they
all went to sleep right away. When they woke up, the first boy
said, "I dreamed I won a lottery ticket." The second boy said,
"I dreamed I was immortal." The third boy said, "While you guys
were sleeping I drank the water."

Gud one...Waiting for some new ones lol

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English,"
he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though,
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is
no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from
the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

I just found this thread and I've been laughing all day! Nice job guys!
Who has 2 thumbs and loves these jokes??? This guy!!

and now, from the twisted mind of Maria Bamford...

Great 1.......

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"