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Weighting for a Flight ;)

by Michael Mayo
12 replies
  • OFF TOPIC
    • |
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your
fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said,
"You're a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the
same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her
nickel in.

Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago,
Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument
a day in my life," She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his
fiddle case down next to her.

The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she
looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're
a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break
wind.

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in
my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back
down and looked at the machine.

She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to
the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled farted around and
missed your flight to Chicago!

~MM~
  • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
    Haha! That's cute Michael!

    Terra
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Mayo
    A man goes to Frederick' s of Hollywood.He wants to buy his wife the most sheer
    lingerie he can find.

    The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit." This is $200, "she says.

    "I want one that 's more sheer," says he.

    "This one is $350."

    "I want it even more sheer than that."

    "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

    "I'll take it!"

    The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on
    and come down to model it for me."

    His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through
    that the old coot won' t even notice if I'm wearing it or not.

    "So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
    "So, how do you like it?" she says.

    "Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the darn thing!"

    ~MM~
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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Originally Posted by Michael Mayo View Post

      A man goes to Frederick' s of Hollywood.He wants to buy his wife the most sheer
      lingerie he can find.

      The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit." This is $200, "she says.

      "I want one that 's more sheer," says he.

      "This one is $350."

      "I want it even more sheer than that."

      "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

      "I'll take it!"

      The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on
      and come down to model it for me."

      His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through
      that the old coot won' t even notice if I'm wearing it or not.

      "So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
      "So, how do you like it?" she says.

      "Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the darn thing!"

      ~MM~
      Yikes!

      Was his obit found shortly there after?

      Terra
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      • Profile picture of the author Michael Mayo
        Originally Posted by MissTerraK View Post

        Yikes!

        Was his obit found shortly there after?

        Terra
        Terra, No that's a different joke.

        Here it is!
        ====================

        Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

        She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
        that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

        The next morning, she looked out the window and there was a box
        gift-wrapped on the driveway.

        She brought the box into the house, opened it and found a brand
        new bathroom scale.

        Bob has been missing since Friday.

        ~MM~
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        • Profile picture of the author hardraysnight
          a man goes into a bra shop

          i want to buy a bra for my wife

          what size?

          um you know, average sort of i guess

          size of a grapefruit

          no no little bit smaller

          orange

          nnlbs

          mandarin

          nnlbs

          egg

          um yes, fried
          Signature
          These guys helped me with the feedback for my site
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        • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
          Hahaha!

          Yep, that would about do it!

          Thanks for bringing a smile to my face this morning...laundry certainly didn't accomplish it!:p

          Terra

          Originally Posted by Michael Mayo View Post

          Terra, No that's a different joke.

          Here it is!
          ====================

          Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

          She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
          that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

          The next morning, she looked out the window and there was a box
          gift-wrapped on the driveway.

          She brought the box into the house, opened it and found a brand
          new bathroom scale.

          Bob has been missing since Friday.

          ~MM~
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  • Profile picture of the author NickWatson
    ha ha...bored are we?

    Thanks for the laugh..
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Mayo
    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
    "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on
    her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy
    bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
    forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."


    ~MM~
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Mayo
    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

    ~MM~
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Mayo
    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately,
    after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from
    repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their
    own stock.

    Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
    bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to
    buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 no less. After paying him, she
    drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

    She walks into the telegraph office and says,"I want to send a telegram to my sister
    telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
    pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator
    explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll
    only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods,
    and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

    The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
    want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull
    back to your ranch if you send her the word "comfortable?"

    The brunette explains, "My sister is a blonde. The word is big.
    She'll read it slow." (com-for-da-bul) ;-)

    ~MM~
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Mayo
    A man meets a beautiful woman and decides he wants to marry her right away.
    She tells him they don't know anything about each other. He tells her that it's fine
    ... they can learn about each other as they go along. She consents, they marry ...
    then leave for their honeymoon to a very nice resort.

    One morning as they are lying by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs
    the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by
    three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like
    a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his
    towel.

    Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!" "I used to be an Olympic diving
    champion," he says. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we
    went along." The woman gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps.

    After about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel, hardly out
    of breath. Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
    endurance swimmer?" "No," she answers. "When I was a hooker in Laredo, Texas, I
    worked both sides of the river."

    ~MM~
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  • Profile picture of the author lcombs
    Halloween:

    A small boy knocks on a neighbors door.
    A man opens the door and the kid says " Bick-r-beat"
    The man says "Don't you mean "Trick-r-treat?".
    The kid says that's what I said, "Bick-r-beat!"
    The man says "Well, what are you supposed to be? A Buckaneer?"
    The kids says "No! (points to his ears and says) here's my ears!" I'm a Birate! Now give me my Buckin' candy!"
    Signature
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Fresh...55326481208883
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