I need a Proctologist

16 years ago

Now THIS is the kind of meat-and-potatoes marketing advice that the Warrior Forum is reknowned for.

Thanks

Signature

The RETURN of OBI:
Learn IM From the Experts Who Are Already Doing It!

"Sammy-approved, baby!" -- Offline Brat Pack

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[452813].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

Gunna sell me some pills ?

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[452815].message }}

ThomM 16 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

Gunna sell me some pills ?

You don't need pills, just a tube of preparation H
- Thanks
- 2 replies
Signature

Life: Nature's way of keeping meat fresh
Getting old ain't for sissy's
As you are I was, as I am you will be
You can't fix stupid, but you can always out smart it.
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454167].message }}
- Ken Strong 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by ThomM
  
  You don't need pills, just a tube of preparation H
  
  And maybe a cork.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  The RETURN of OBI:
  Learn IM From the Experts Who Are Already Doing It!
  
  "Sammy-approved, baby!" -- Offline Brat Pack
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454218].message }}
- myob 16 years ago
  
  You really should have someone take a look at it.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454236].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

Its internal - you cant use cream

even worse its a public holiday here so i cant see a doctor untill tuesday - and it didnt feel like a peanut all night - it felt like a fricken needle.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454325].message }}

jimmymc

16 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

Its internal - you cant use cream

even worse its a public holiday here so i cant see a doctor untill tuesday - and it didnt feel like a peanut all night - it felt like a fricken needle.

Why Not...that's what that little applicator tip is for and you might even dislodge that peanut.

Concrete and clay tiles are very uncomfortable seating and killer on the knees even with pads. I have a 24x24x4 piece of foam rubber that I use to sit on or kneel on in those situations. You can even duct tape it to your ass.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[456493].message }}

ThomM

16 years ago

Originally Posted by jimmymc

Why Not...that's what that little applicator tip is for and you might even dislodge that peanut.

Concrete and clay tiles are very uncomfortable seating and killer on the knees even with pads. I have a 24x24x4 piece of foam rubber that I use to sit on or kneel on in those situations. You can even duct tape it to your ass.

Like Jimmy said.

Gareth, try the prep.h.

Thanks

Signature

Life: Nature's way of keeping meat fresh
Getting old ain't for sissy's
As you are I was, as I am you will be
You can't fix stupid, but you can always out smart it.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[457820].message }}

Kiwigal

16 years ago

Lactolose is the answer Gareth, but stay away from crowds and handy the the loo..
Hey it is another beautiful day in Auckland isn,t it, at least it,s something to lift the spirits.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454375].message }}

Ken Strong 16 years ago

Hmmm... this problem definitely calls for further anal-ysis.
- Thanks
- 2 replies
Signature

The RETURN of OBI:
Learn IM From the Experts Who Are Already Doing It!

"Sammy-approved, baby!" -- Offline Brat Pack
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454438].message }}
- lilmechante01 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by KenStrong
  
  Hmmm... this problem definitely calls for further anal-ysis.
  
  LMAO...too funny!!
  
  gareth..you can always try balancing your root chakra I can also give you some visualization techniques to try
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  I CHOOSE to re-create MYSELF anew every single moment and experience the GRANDEST VERSION of the GREATEST VISION I have about WHO I AM!
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[457641].message }}
- Theresea Hughes 16 years ago
  
  I'm so sorry, but I'm ROFLM*A* O heee hee hee heee!
  
  You get everything from a peanut to a potato up there!!!
  
  Now when you are all done.. and over all this, let me know if you have anything to add to these comments:
  
  A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
  
  1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
  
  2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
  
  3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
  
  4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
  
  5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
  
  6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
  
  7. "You put your left hand in! , you take your left hand out..."
  
  8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
  
  9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
  
  10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
  
  11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
  
  12. "God, now I know why I'm not gay."
  
  And the best one of all...
  
  13. "Would you write a note for my wife saying that my head IS NOT up there?"
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
  Get the PR7 Link-love of SQUIDOO working for YOUR website!
  => Niche Squidoo Lenses = traffic + PR7 links to your site â€“ only $10 each! <=
  Theresea Hughes - building Squidoos since 2008!
  >> Parenting Toddler Tips <<
  ** Elvis Presley Forever! **
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[502073].message }}

Star69

16 years ago

quote: Maybe I should have used knee pads instead of having concrete stuck up my crack for 2 weeks.

Yeah, well, HINDsight is always 20/20/...hope you can find a suitable doctor willing to take a CRACK at it.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454446].message }}

th0m453

16 years ago

wow must have been painfull

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454450].message }}

John M Kane

16 years ago

Too bad you don't live near me
I've a degree in electronics and know how to use a soldering iron

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454577].message }}

ecoverartist

16 years ago

With the kind of advice you're getting in here, who needs a PhD?

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Sherice Jacob - Conversion Expert & Copywriter
Learn Copywriting from a Pro. Build your Portfolio. Start Reaching Clients

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454589].message }}

myob 16 years ago

If you post a rear view here, there will be something more concrete that we can put our fingers on. We can then put our heads together and get to the bottom of it.
- [ 2 ] Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454614].message }}

Kiwigal

16 years ago

Ahh! so this is what is known as bum-marketing.

[ 3 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454631].message }}

ecoverartist

16 years ago

myob - LMAO

Thanks

Signature

Sherice Jacob - Conversion Expert & Copywriter
Learn Copywriting from a Pro. Build your Portfolio. Start Reaching Clients

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[454847].message }}

Jared Alberghini

16 years ago

Gareth,

First of all, stop sticking peanuts up places they should not go. Food goes in your mouth, and out the other end, unless of course you want to poop out your mouth.

Second of all, you are seeking medical advice from the worst place possible. Do you have a death wish or something?

As hilarious as your condition may be (thanks for sharing) just go see a Doctor. as the Shat man says, 'Jim... we are IM'ers, not Doctors!'

- Jared

Thanks

Signature

P.S.

Join The Future: Telekinetic Marketing

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[456437].message }}

Christie Love

16 years ago

Wow, of all places to have an issue... those are the absolute worst. A friend of mind had a huge baseball size boil in between his butt cheeks and it hurt like heck. Forget about sitting down. The doctor had a cut it open twice to get everything out, but it did work.

So, my advice to you is go to the emergency room or something. Hospitals are always open and get immediate help. Ouch.

Thanks

Signature

***Protect Yourself from Internet ID Theft***
Get your Free Identity Theft Report
'A' rated company with the BBB.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[456753].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

Man what a bummer, and its the middle of summer - beautiful sunshine.

Meanwhile all I can think about is my ass. I was going to do a long run yesterday but was scared it might prolapse and squirt blood out the side leg of my shorts.

Well Its a bit bigger now like half a grape, Its right on the ring so at least it only really hurts when i take a dump - then its the needle feeling.

It hurts at night and when i sit, apparently standing still can aggravate them as can weight lifting.

So the sooner I get rid of this damn thing the better.

I got this stuff called "ANUSOL" - why on earth they called it ANUSOL i just cant imagine.

Anyway i shoved it (very carefully) up my ass 3x now and frankly I dont think its done a damn thing. Also I find touching my ass repugnant let alone sticking a plastic tube up it.

Hemerroidhs suck.

PS: farting is also particularly painfull - especially those big loud explosive ones.

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[457509].message }}

Ken Strong 16 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

Meanwhile all I can think about is my ass.

And how is this different from a normal day?
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

The RETURN of OBI:
Learn IM From the Experts Who Are Already Doing It!

"Sammy-approved, baby!" -- Offline Brat Pack
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[457695].message }}
- HeySal 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by KenStrong
  
  And how is this different from a normal day?
  
  It's different alright - he's usually intently focused on the appendage on the other side of his hips.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Sal
  When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
  Beyond the Path
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[464504].message }}
  
  r3000 16 years ago
  
  gareth,
  curious: do you have a least favorite planet?
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[464613].message }}
  
  Dave Patterson 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by r3000
  
  gareth,
  curious: do you have a least favorite planet?
  
  LOL....he probably does now.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Professional Googler
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[466209].message }}
  
  gareth 16 years ago
  
  Hang on I'm a retard 70 x 52 = 3640, 2 / 3460 = some jizmick number on my calculator that when multiplied by 400 million comes to 219780 with hemroids at any time.
  
  Cross checked by ( 400,000,000 / 70 ) / 26 = 219780.
  
  Yeah so lets say roughly a quarter of a million people have the affliction at any time in the developed world.
  
  There isnt much searching on hemroid and lets face it all people want to buy is a $10 tube of jizz. No I dont think I will bother with this market especially as after 2 weeks at max most people are cured.
  
  There is the potential off those numbers for $1,000,000 worth of anal hemroid jizz to be sold each week.
  
  Shheeeze I'm starting to feel a bit better . WooHaaa I cant wait for a few days time when its gone.
  
  Yeeaahhhh didnt even hurt last night and the swelling is way down - nothing like a good bleed.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Gareth M Thomas
  Serial Entrepreneur
  Auckland, New Zealand
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[467399].message }}
MakingMoneyAtHome 16 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

PS: farting is also particularly painfull - especially those big loud explosive ones.

TMI, TMI.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

Dawn
http://dawnscollectiblesnmore.biz
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[458407].message }}
- Kay King 16 years ago
  
  I agree - far too much information. I'm going to have nightmares about Gareth's ass - not good.
  
  You really should have someone take a look at it.
  
  Gareth - sounds like you have a volunteer. Get your ass over to MYOB.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
  ***
  https://www.pawsofwar.org/
  2024 Patriot's Award for Service to Veterans
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[458422].message }}
  
  myob 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Kay King
  
  Gareth - sounds like you have a volunteer. Get your ass over to MYOB.
  
  The only real experience I have ever had with assholes involved a swift kick with my right foot. It is a very touchy subject, so I am staying out of it. No one should be poking around in there unless you know what you're doing - and have his consent.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[458449].message }}
  
  gareth 16 years ago
  
  Butt Date Log: Anusol three
  
  A Giant Hemerroihd has hit the inner ring of Uranus - no its my anus.
  
  The swelling appears to have reduced today by 20%. Tomorrow I will discuss the matter with Dr Proct .
  
  ANUSOL appears to be doing the job(bey). Although my underwear have giant streaks of wasted ANUSOL.
  
  The pain increased during the night and the first minute sign of anal hemmoraging was apparent in my stool this morning.
  
  Even the runs would feel like an "ass"teroid with one of these things. Some people might like that . I dont.
  
  Eating lots of pitted prunes.
  
  Captain Kork signing out.
  
  Captains Log Upthedate: Saw Nurse at university - she was brave enough to venture a look.
  
  Says its bleeding - shit - will see doctor tomorrow. This better not interfere with my weight training for too long.
  
  Problem is when you see medical people that are lazy assholes they cant wait to discourage physical exercise. Still I wont be pumping iron untill its well and truley gone.
  
  The worst thing that could happen now is if they find a bigger internal one pissing blood into my guts.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Gareth M Thomas
  Serial Entrepreneur
  Auckland, New Zealand
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[460876].message }}
  
  Ken Strong 16 years ago
  
  So how are things going "down under"? *haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw* CLUNK
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  The RETURN of OBI:
  Learn IM From the Experts Who Are Already Doing It!
  
  "Sammy-approved, baby!" -- Offline Brat Pack
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[463370].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

I am visualizing the purple varicose anal blood blister Shrinking... Shrinking... Shrinking...

Disappearing...

on the count of three

purple varicose anal blood blister ... POP !!!!

AAARRRGGGHHHH !!!!~!!!!

Mine is like "D"

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[457757].message }}

lilmechante01

16 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

I am visualizing the purple varicose anal blood blister Shrinking... Shrinking... Shrinking...

Disappearing...

on the count of three

purple varicose anal blood blister ... POP !!!!

AAARRRGGGHHHH !!!!~!!!!

Mine is like "D"

LOL..gareth...my dear...somehow I don't see that particular visualizing is going to work

so I'll leave the offer on the thread just in case you get REALLY desparate

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

I CHOOSE to re-create MYSELF anew every single moment and experience the GRANDEST VERSION of the GREATEST VISION I have about WHO I AM!

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[457970].message }}

Ken Strong 16 years ago

Since we become what we focus on, does that mean that everyone posting in this thread is now an... er....
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

The RETURN of OBI:
Learn IM From the Experts Who Are Already Doing It!

"Sammy-approved, baby!" -- Offline Brat Pack
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[457991].message }}
- ThomM 16 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by KenStrong
  
  Since we become what we focus on, does that mean that everyone posting in this thread is now an... er....
  
  Rated R for language.
  
  YouTube - Zappa Plays Zappa - Broken Hearts Are...
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Life: Nature's way of keeping meat fresh
  Getting old ain't for sissy's
  As you are I was, as I am you will be
  You can't fix stupid, but you can always out smart it.
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[458088].message }}
  
  myob 16 years ago
  
  C looks much more painful than D. You'll feel much better by removing the peanut.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[458277].message }}

Dave Patterson

16 years ago

Gareth...

You can cure this "affliction" with a very simple old country remedy.

Peel a potato and stick it up your ass. It'll draw the poison out.

It'll have you back to normal in a couple days.

(Hint: The larger the potato the faster the "fix")

Thanks
3 replies

Signature

Professional Googler

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[463390].message }}

Ken Strong

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Dave Patterson

Gareth...

You can cure this "affliction" with a very simple old country remedy.

Peel a potato and stick it up your ass. It'll draw the poison out.

It'll have you back to normal in a couple days.

(Hint: The larger the potato the faster the "fix")

Hmmm... Uncle Dave, can we go on a snipe hunt after that?

Thanks

Signature

The RETURN of OBI:
Learn IM From the Experts Who Are Already Doing It!

"Sammy-approved, baby!" -- Offline Brat Pack

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[463418].message }}

Ken Strong 16 years ago

Originally Posted by Dave Patterson

Peel a potato and stick it up your ass.

That's going to be my new catchphrase -- I'm going to say it to everyone I meet.
- Thanks
Signature

The RETURN of OBI:
Learn IM From the Experts Who Are Already Doing It!

"Sammy-approved, baby!" -- Offline Brat Pack
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[463449].message }}
myob 16 years ago

Originally Posted by Dave Patterson

Peel a potato and stick it up your ass.

I've been saying that for years to people that piss me off.
Never did mention the potato, though. Nice little twist.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[464362].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

Well there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It started bleeding last night which had me worried. The same as if it was a blood nose - which is disturbing when its coming out of your ass.

So I'm just laid up for 2-3 days now.

But I just saw the doc and he ripped my cheeks apart and had a good look inside - said its the size of a pea and on one side of my sphynct. He said the bleeding is OK as it will relieve pressure and I should be fine in a week or so.

My lesson from this is to be gentle on my ass and that sitting posture and habits are just as important as standing.

Also I did some maths (please check it) say there are 800,000,000 people in the developed world, 50% will get piles, thats 400,000,000 for about 2 weeks, each person lives approx 350 weeks.

So I figure at least 2.2 million people in the developed world have bleeding anal blood blister's at any time.

I would pay $2000 slap down to be rid of this sucker in 24 hrs.

Thanks
2 replies

Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[464469].message }}

Jared Alberghini 16 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

My lesson from this is to be gentle on my ass

Did you really just say that? You know this is a Public Forum don't you? Your privacy is invading our public.

- J
- Thanks
Signature

P.S.

Join The Future: Telekinetic Marketing
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[464473].message }}
myob 16 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

I would pay $2000 slap down to be rid of this sucker in 24 hrs.

Gareth,

Send me the $2,000 and I'll look into it.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[464710].message }}
- jimmymc 16 years ago
  
  Glad you're getting better...but no more gerbils...right
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[466126].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

I mean when I "sit on it", before saturday I swear I never touched the damn thing.

Butt I'm kind of used to it now.

Thanks

Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[464485].message }}

Ron Kerr

16 years ago

This didn't happen while you were wearing a sheep costume did it?

The male kiwi fascination with sheep is well known.

Thanks

Signature

Ron
The Gadget News

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[464661].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

Quote: "Always consult to your doctor for the fast recovery of your anus."

Yes Sir, Thankyou. I'll be sure to do that.

And just to put the icing on the cake and spoil my week totally, I told this dude that had been living at my flat best part of the year the unpleasant details, then he came out of the closet and told me he is gay.

I think it turned him on - wonderful :-(

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[467653].message }}

TimPhelan

16 years ago

LOL. Now that's funny.

Originally Posted by gareth

And just to put the icing on the cake and spoil my week totally, I told this dude that had been living at my flat best part of the year the unpleasant details, then he came out of the closet and told me he is gay.

I think it turned him on - wonderful :-(

Thanks

Signature

Over 50 Dating

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[503282].message }}

Christie Love

16 years ago

Just checking on you since it's been a while. Did you ever get your little problem fixed?

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

***Protect Yourself from Internet ID Theft***
Get your Free Identity Theft Report
'A' rated company with the BBB.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[502638].message }}

Dave Patterson 16 years ago

Originally Posted by Christie Love

Just checking on you since it's been a while. Did you ever get your little problem fixed?

Must have...he seems to have disappeared.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

Professional Googler
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[503289].message }}
- myob 16 years ago
  
  I think gareth finally found his soulmate. Didn't he say the guy who was hiding in his closet finally came out, and he was wonderful? We should be happy for him.
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[503969].message }}

CTABUK

16 years ago

I have not laughed this much since Grannie caught her nose in the mangle. Gareth said
'Well there is light at the end of the tunnel'.

So he's using a torch and mirrors!! Kinky Sod.

I have spoken to a Doctor mate of mine.

The conversation went like this...

'My mate Gareth, you know the sheep shagger in Warriors, has got a lump up his ......"

"Rectum?"

"Well, he's shoved a torch up it, so yes he probably has".

Gareth, stop winking at sheep, and try a Ram for a change, that will sort it out mate.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

http://ctab1.wordpress.com/2009/06/0...hoice-homebuy/
http://www.newhistoricalfictionbooks...-introduction/
http://www.redroom.com/blog/davidcas...ng-a-new-novel

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[504027].message }}

gareth 16 years ago

So does everybody want to know what happened in the end ?
- Thanks
Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[505251].message }}

Dave Patterson

16 years ago

"...in the end?

ROFLMAO!!!!

Thanks

Signature

Professional Googler

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[505345].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

Basically it bled for four days , a clot fell off and then it shrank and went away.

I finally stopped putting jizz ointment in my ass and am able to use toilet paper again.

Also can lift weights again but have not dared leg press yet.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Gareth M Thomas
Serial Entrepreneur
Auckland, New Zealand

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[505520].message }}

r3000 16 years ago

Originally Posted by gareth

I finally stopped putting jizz ointment in my ass

sounds like this jizz ointment may have some addictive properties.

does it require a prescription?
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[505704].message }}

gareth

16 years ago

Seven months with no anal problems - and now I have another hemroid in the same place.

At least this is only a little hemroid anal blood blister. I guess I will have them from time to time now if I sit on hard surfaces.