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CHURCH BULLETINS


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks
on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale...
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.


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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help..

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
  • LMFAO! Those are hysterical!

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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    LOL - great list. Thanks for the share.
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Haha!

      I thought they were all mostly funny, but this one made me laugh out loud.

      The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


      Terra
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  • Profile picture of the author GT
    Originally Posted by highhopes View Post

    CHURCH BULLETINS

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    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

    ----------------
    Well. That just goes without saying! lol

    Great list of bulletin bloopers! The list has been around for many years, but always makes me laugh every time I read it! Thanks for posting.

    GT
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by GT View Post

      Well. That just goes without saying! lol

      Great list of bulletin bloopers! The list has been around for many years, but always makes me laugh every time I read it! Thanks for posting.

      GT
      How do you figure they are BLOOPERS? Lets use:

      The Fasting & Prayer Conference
      includes meals.

      As an example. It is a CONFERENCE, not actually doing it. So who says tey aren't eating to PREPARE for the fast?

      Some might be misconstrued, or give the wrong idea, but they aren't bloopers.

      Steve
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      • Profile picture of the author GT
        Originally Posted by seasoned View Post

        How do you figure they are BLOOPERS?

        Steve
        You are absolutely correct. They are not "bloopers" in a true sense. But some are written in a way that the intended meaning can be twisted and potentially misunderstood, and in that sense, I call them a blooper.

        Whether or not they are true bloopers, they are all pretty funny!

        GT
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      • Profile picture of the author highhopes
        Originally Posted by seasoned View Post

        How do you figure they are BLOOPERS? Lets use:

        The Fasting & Prayer Conference
        includes meals.

        As an example. It is a CONFERENCE, not actually doing it. So who says tey aren't eating to PREPARE for the fast?

        Some might be misconstrued, or give the wrong idea, but they aren't bloopers.

        Steve
        Ha Ha you know I find that reply quite funny Steve, the fact you dont see the humour really.
        Oh dear my eyes are wet with laughter..( I suppose I am one of those people who see the funny side)

        Reminds me about the monty python sketch about the funniest jhoke in the world. The silliness of it caught me off guard and I could not stop laughing, my side were aching tears rolled down my face, etc, etc.

        The Funniest Joke in the World - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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        • Profile picture of the author seasoned
          Originally Posted by highhopes View Post

          Ha Ha you know I find that reply quite funny Steve, the fact you dont see the humour really.
          Oh dear my eyes are wet with laughter..( I suppose I am one of those people who see the funny side)

          Reminds me about the monty python sketch about the funniest jhoke in the world. The silliness of it caught me off guard and I could not stop laughing, my side were aching tears rolled down my face, etc, etc.

          The Funniest Joke in the World - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
          I SEE the humor, and even pointed it out. I just didn't like someone implying it was WRONG. OK, it is funny. In SOME cases, they could have tried to prevent this. I said the SAME about the "chin in the armor" statement.

          Steve
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          • Profile picture of the author Kay King
            I was literally in tears of laughter reading these. I grew up spending most Sunday mornings (against my wishes) in a pew. To pass the time I read the 4 pg church bulletin - and comments like the ones above are so typical.

            There are a few I've never forgotten. One was about the local, aged, Avon lady who always drove her old black car down the center of the street and always referred to her three cocker spaniels (always in the car with her) by their female names.

            The church bulletin praised the woman's fund raising for the church men's group - and added "we are often entertained by Irma, Gladys, Lizbeth and Lilly driving through town and look eagerly to see if they are dressed or not".

            The last three names were the dogs - who were often wearing doggie clothes. Some things you never forget!
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            • Profile picture of the author highhopes
              Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

              I was literally in tears of laughter reading these. I grew up spending most Sunday mornings (against my wishes) in a pew. To pass the time I read the 4 pg church bulletin - and comments like the ones above are so typical.

              There are a few I've never forgotten. One was about the local, aged, Avon lady who always drove her old black car down the center of the street and always referred to her three cocker spaniels (always in the car with her) by their female names.

              The church bulletin praised the woman's fund raising for the church men's group - and added "we are often entertained by Irma, Gladys, Lizbeth and Lilly driving through town and look eagerly to see if they are dressed or not".

              The last three names were the dogs - who were often wearing doggie clothes. Some things you never forget!
              A real experience of a church member in your own parish...very good Kay
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  • Profile picture of the author WATT@WATT
    This was so funny. Thank you for the laughs!
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