Awful Jokes

13 years ago

The old ones are the best... so here's a follow on,

A man wakes up in hospital and the Doctor walks in ..

The Doctor says ..

"I've got good news and bad news .."

The man says ..

"Give me the bad news .. "

The Doctor says ..

"I've had to cut off both your legs"

"The man says "Oh God ..... What on Earth is the Good News?"

The Doctor says ..

"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

[ 2 ] Thanks

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laurencewins

13 years ago

so old they make you want to groan instead of laugh. I have a few joke books full of funny stuff. I will have to go find some for people to laugh at.

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Writer/Editor/Proofreader.

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Slazengeer

13 years ago

A group of women was sitting silently under a tree...

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Dan Riffle

13 years ago

Why do brides dress in white?

To match the other kitchen appliances...

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MikeyLightning 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Dan Riffle

Why do brides dress in white?

To match the other kitchen appliances...

That's just horrible. Lol. Gave me a laugh in an evil sort of way
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Thomas

13 years ago

An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds-and-thousands.

Police say he topped himself.

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Thomas 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Thomas

An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds-and-thousands.

Police say he topped himself.

Is it bad if you're still laughing at your own awful joke, even after posting it?
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Thomas

13 years ago

Police arrested two teenagers yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one, and let the other one off.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Kay King

13 years ago

Daddy Shark was teaching Baby Shark how to eat a surfer.

He said:

First, son, you need to swim counter clockwise around the surfer 3 times with the tip of your dorsal fin a few inches out of the water at a distance of 20 feet from the human.

"Then can I eat him for lunch" said the Baby Shark.

"Not quite yet" said Daddy.

Move in closer and when you are 10 feet from the surfer, swim clockwise around the surfer three times with your dorsal fin completely above the water.

"Then can I eat him for lunch"?

"Yes," said Daddy Shark.

As they swam around later that day, Baby Shark asked "why did we have to swim around and around the surfer before lunch?".

"Because," said Daddy Shark, "people taste so much better if you scare the sh** out of them first".

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travlinguy

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Kay King

Daddy Shark was teaching Baby Shark how to eat a surfer.

He said:

First, son, you need to swim counter clockwise around the surfer 3 times with the tip of your dorsal fin a few inches out of the water at a distance of 20 feet from the human.

"Then can I eat him for lunch" said the Baby Shark.

"Not quite yet" said Daddy.

Move in closer and when you are 10 feet from the surfer, swim clockwise around the surfer three times with your dorsal fin completely above the water.

"Then can I eat him for lunch"?

"Yes," said Daddy Shark.

As they swam around later that day, Baby Shark asked "why did we have to swim around and around the surfer before lunch?".

"Because," said Daddy Shark, "people taste so much better if you scare the sh** out of them first".

Kay, I literally laughed out loud.

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1 reply

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Riptor 13 years ago

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:
'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'
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travlinguy

13 years ago

Two drunks are sitting outside watching a dog lick his unmentionables.

One drunk says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that."
The other one says, "Give it a try, he doesn't look too mean."

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MoneyMagnetMagnate

13 years ago

Paul walked into the golf club locker room, and saw his friend Bob...

Paul: Hi Bob! How did you play today?

Bob: Awful - just awful...one of the worst days ever...

Paul: Oh, why is that?

Bob: Well, I brought my Father out to play 18 holes with me today, and on the 11, he putted in...grabbed his heart - and keeled over and died! Right on the green!

Paul: My God! That must have been terrible!!!

And Bob said:

"You're telling me!...The last 7 holes, it was hit the ball!...drag Dad - hit the ball!... drag Dad...

[ 3 ] Thanks
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Riptor 13 years ago

I had been slicing off the tee at every hole.

Finally, I give up and ask my long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems, to which the caddy replies.

"I think there's a piece of S*** on the end of your club."

I pick my club up and clean the club face, at which point the caddy says "No, the other end"
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dallas playboy

13 years ago

A young woman became disallusioned with the world and corruption so she joins a cloistered nun order. Upon taking her final vowels, she is told by Mother Superior,
You took a vowel of silence, but every five years you will be allowed to say two words.

Five years go by, and the nun tells Mother Superior, " hard bed. " Mother Superior says
I'll see is we can't find a softer bed for you. "

On the tenth year, the nun tells Mother Superior, " room cold. " Mother Superior tell the
nun, " I'll see if we can't find a small heater for your room. "

The nun keeps her silence for anothr five years. Now she's been in the order fifteen years.
She meets Mother Superior and says, " I QUIT! "

Mother Superior looks at the nun and says, " It's just as well, all you've done since you
arrived is complain. "

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Delsworld

13 years ago

3 Warrior Forum friends decided to go ocean fishing one day on a boat they rented.

The first friend is a SEO expert who made a killing selling services on the WF.

The second guy is web designer who sold websites on the WF.

The third guy is a newbie on the forum, and really doesn't know what to do.

So their out fishing on the ocean when out of nowhere comes this big violent storm that pushes the ship way out in the middle of nowhere. On stop of that, the storm disables the engines, and leaves them stranded with no rescue in sight.

Within a few days the guys were out of food and fresh water. Soon after, with dire need of water, one guy sees a bottle floating by the boat. He opens the bottle with the hope of water in it when *poof* a genie pops out of the bottle.

The genie, who is grateful from becoming release from the bottle after a thousand years trapped inside tells the 3 guys " For releasing me from the bottle I grant you all 3 wishes at one wish a piece" With that said, the guys "yell hell yeah were going home baby"

The SEO expert tells the genie " I want sent home with the greatest SEO software so I can create the best WSO SEO packages for forum members"

The web designer tells the genie " screw that, send me home with the best website creation software so I can offer the best websites for forum members in my WSO.

The genie ask the newbie what he wanted for his wish ? After several minutes the newbie answered " I don't have any ideals for a WSO so I wish my friends were back.....

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BridgeLL

13 years ago

What did the deaf and blind kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

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HeySal

13 years ago

What do you call 400 politicians face down in a river?
A good start.

Have you seen the new fashion in men's belts? There is a plate on the back of the belt with the man's name embossed on it? It's so when they get their heads out of their ass they know who they are.

How many men does it take to change a roll of TP?
No one knows. It's never happened.

Why are men unlike savings bonds?
Bonds mature.

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Sal
When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
Beyond the Path

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Riptor 13 years ago

I went to the chemist and asked the assistant for some viagra. She said I am sorry but there is a shortage at the moment and we can only supply it if you have proof of need.

I asked if a picture of the wife would do.
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John Durham 13 years ago

Originally Posted by HeySal

Bonds mature.

... and eventually earn money.:rolleyes:
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HeySal

13 years ago

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but seran wrap. The psychiatrist says " I can clearly see your nuts".

Here's one for you, Joe:
Did ya hear Micky divorced Mini? He said she was f***ing goofy.

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Sal
When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
Beyond the Path

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Brian John 13 years ago

why can't barbie get pregnant? because ken comes in another box.

and since today is halloween...
a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
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- 1 reply
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- Riptor 13 years ago
  
  A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago:
  "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
  
  Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
  Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and
  none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
  water.
  
  But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
  all have eaten or will eat it.
  
  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
  suffering for years after eating it?"
  
  A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
  
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  1 reply
  
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  Horny Devil Banned 13 years ago
  
  A man in hospital wakes up following an operation for a vasectomy.
  
  The agitated surgeon is standing by his bedside and says, "Mr Smith, I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You were due a vasectomy but somehow the staff have got your records mixed up with another patient, and you've been given a full sex change".
  
  "Oh my god" said the patient. "Does this mean I'll never get another erection"?
  
  "Of course you will" said the surgeon. "Only it wont be yours".
  
  Thanks
  
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MoneyMagnetMagnate

13 years ago

A traveling salesman stays overnight with a farm family. When the family gathers to eat there’s a pig seated at the table. And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg. The salesman says, “Um, I see you have a pig having dinner with you.”

“Yes,” says the farmer. “That’s because he’s a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that’s from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that’s from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy’s life.”

“Yes,” says the salesman, “I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you. And I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the peg leg?”

“Well,” says, the farmer, “a pig like that...you don’t eat him all at once.”

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yukon

Banned 13 years ago

Q. Do you know who the most popular man at a nudist colony is?

A. The man carrying two cups of hot coffee and a dozen donuts.

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sue10

13 years ago

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

Hand the bitch a shovel.

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MoneyMagnetMagnate

13 years ago

There was a man named Charlie who was such a die-hard optimist...

No matter how hard the situation was, he would always say, "It could have been worse."

So to cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a story to trick him.

One day, his friends told him, "Charlie, did you hear what happened to Rob? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and turned the gun on himself!"

"That's so tragic," Charlie replied, "but it could have been worse."

"HOW THE HELL," his dumbfounded friends replied, "could it POSSIBLY be WORSE???"

"Well," says Charlie, "IF IT HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE, I'D BE DEAD!"

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Riptor 13 years ago

A young mum had just stepped naked from the bathroom at the precise moment her young boy came out of his room ...
Seeing her pubic hair, he points and asks, "What's that Mummy?" ...
Embarrassed and lost for words she mumbles...."oh, that's my sponge son"
Unperturbed the little boy just says..."oh ok", and disappears back to play in his room.

A few days later his Mum, having shaved off all her pubic hair, stepped naked from the bathroom once again, at that exact moment her son appeared in front of her ...
"Where's your sponge gone Mummy?", he asked ...
Even more embarrassed his Mum said "errrrm, I lost it"
Still completely unperturbed, the little boy just said, "ok" and returned to play in his room.

A few hours later Mum was preparing the dinner in the kitchen, when her little boy came running in shouting "Mummy, Mummy I have found your sponge for you"

"You have", said his Mum incredulously.

"Yes Mummy, Mrs Jones has it next door ....

and she is washing Daddies face with it!!!"
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- Brian John 13 years ago
  
  An old farmer is sitting on his porch when a young man pulls up in a car and says, "Excuse me, sir. I notice you have milkweed growing in your field, may I get some milk?" The farmer chuckles to himself and says, "You can't get milk from milkweed young man." The young man says, "I think I can sir, if you'll let me try." The farmer says, "Well you just go right ahead then." An hour later the young man returns with two gallons of milk and sets one on the porch. "Thank you sir, this ones for your kindness," then gets in his car and leaves. The farmer is stunned.
  
  The next day the same young man pulls up and says, "I notice you have honeysuckle growing in the hedgerow, do you mind if I gather some honey?" The farmer says, "You don't get honey from honeysuckle son." The young man says, "I think I can sir, if you'll let me try." The farmer gives his consent and is amazed when the man comes back later with four quarts of honey and leaves one for the old farmer.
  
  The next day the same young man pulls up and says, "Excuse me sir, I notice you have some pussy-willows growing next to your pond." The farmer jumps up and says, "Hold on son, let me get my hat!"
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
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Ken Leatherman

13 years ago

IT'S SO HOT in Indiana.....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
.....hot water comes from both taps.
.....you can make sun tea instantly.
.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car (one on each hand).
.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30 A.M.
.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

IT'S SO DRY in Indiana that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

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Riptor 13 years ago

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour shift and collapses into bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says in a husky voice,

"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied... "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
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HeySal

13 years ago

What does the "N" on the Nebraska football field stand for?
Knowledge

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Sal
When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
Beyond the Path

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travlinguy

13 years ago

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down the freeway, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

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ThomM 13 years ago

What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits the windshield of a car?

It's ass.
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Life: Nature's way of keeping meat fresh
Getting old ain't for sissy's
As you are I was, as I am you will be
You can't fix stupid, but you can always out smart it.
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- ThomM 13 years ago
  
  A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
  
  "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
  
  Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
  
  The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
  "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
  
  The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Life: Nature's way of keeping meat fresh
  Getting old ain't for sissy's
  As you are I was, as I am you will be
  You can't fix stupid, but you can always out smart it.
  
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  Riptor 13 years ago
  
  A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
  bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
  Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
  
  "Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of
  golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls
  into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was
  rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its
  rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there
  was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle
  of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
  
  "What did you do?" the doctor asks.
  
  "Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
  'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't really remember much after that."
  
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Neil Morgan

13 years ago

I bought 25 bottles of TippEx yesterday.

Big mistake.

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Mark Andrews

Banned 13 years ago

How to tell the sex of a bird from a distance...

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JustVisiting

13 years ago

Why did the blonde move to L.A.?

It was easier to spell.

What do you call a smart blond?

A golden retriever.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning/University?

A visitor.

What do you call a blonde who has lost 90% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

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Kay King 13 years ago

My all time favorite one liner

What is black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch?

A brunette who told one too many blond jokes.
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***
One secret to happiness is to let every situation be
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- JustVisiting 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Kay King
  
  My all time favorite one liner
  
  What is black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch?
  
  A brunette who told one too many blond jokes.
  
  Talking of ditches....
  
  What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
  
  One's a busy ditch.
  
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Ken Leatherman

13 years ago

Urgent message to all who wash their hair in the shower......YOU NEED TO KNOW

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and, printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!

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travlinguy

13 years ago

A physician saw one of his patients on the street. He tipped his hat and greeted her. "Good morning Mrs. Pfeifer. Did those suppositories I prescribed alleviate your problem?"

"Doctor," she answered with a sarcastic smile, "For all the good those things did me, I could have stuck them up my ass."

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sue10

13 years ago

toilet paper is for........

a**holes

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Brian John 13 years ago

[DELETED]

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- Ken Leatherman 13 years ago
  
  BRITISH HUMOUR IS JUST DIFFERENT
  These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
  FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
  8 years old, Hateful little B**tard. Bites!
  ___________________________________________
  FREE PUPPIES
  1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
  ________________________________________________
  FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
  Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
  __________________________________________________ _____
  COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
  __________________________________________________ ______
  JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
  Must sell washer and dryer Â£100.
  __________________________________________________ ___________
  WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
  Worn once by mistake.
  Call Stephanie.
  __________________________________________________ _________
  And the WINNER is...
  
  FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
  Excellent condition, Â£200 or best offer.
  No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
  
  (Statement of the Century)
  __________________________________________________ _________
  
  Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
  
  "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
  How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
  __________________________________________________ __________
  
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zimo

13 years ago

How many Romneys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. With Romney's economic plan he'll create jobs where people can screw in those lightbulbs.

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Ken Leatherman

13 years ago

This one will crack you up.

http://www.jeffbridges.com/fruitcakelady.wmv

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MoneyMagnetMagnate 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman

This one will crack you up.

http://www.jeffbridges.com/fruitcakelady.wmv
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MoneyMagnetMagnate

13 years ago

When we finally achieve independence, I think Billy Connolly should be first 'new prime minister'

At least he has his head screwed on!

"FREEEEEEEEDOM" !!!!!!!

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JustVisiting

13 years ago

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

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franklin067

13 years ago

yaeh really its awful

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Sum1

13 years ago

You know how dogs will be dogs and leave landmines in the most unfortunate places?
Well I'm going into this DIY store one day and some dog has left a landmine right in the entrance and I didn't see it. Step, slip and I end up in on the floor by the counter.
I'm just getting back up again when this huge bloke walks in behind me and does exactly the same thing. Step, slip, ends up on the floor by the counter.
I bet he's as embarrassed as me right now so I figure I'll offer some moral support. I hold out my hand to help him up and say "I just did that".
The guy nearly killed me!!

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HostWind

13 years ago

The jokes never run out here, and they're just as awful:
reddit.com/r/jokes

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HCVNI

13 years ago

I've just realised why my computer keeps freezing.

I've got too many windows open!

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travlinguy

13 years ago

A 5-year old girl is waiting in line to see Santa. When it's her turn ole jelly belly asks what she wants.
"A Barbie and a GI Joe," she says.
"Ho ho ho," Santa replies. "You must be mistaken, little girl. Barbie comes with Ken, not GI Joe."
"No," she says. "She comes with GI Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

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michael26a

13 years ago

Here's some quick Chuck Norris facts:

-Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
-Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
-Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
-Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
-Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

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Riptor 13 years ago

A woman was standing in front of the mirror and says to her husband
"Look at me, my hairs turned grey, my face is wrinkled, my breasts are
sagging, my stomach and butt is sagging, can't you pay me any sort of compliment".

Of course, say's the husband "you're eyesight is spot on"
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