WTF Would You Do?
Hey All,
Generally keep my personals locked up, and far from the public eye...
However, I am facing some serious issues with my 18 yr old son, and seeking means to understand the humility he is now causing his family (myself included), and more importantly, himself.
So, here's the short version, roughly 15 months ago, my son decided to run away, he was then 17 yrs old.. At this time, we chalked it up as teenage angst, and we retrieved him from a his friends house after being blatantly lied to of his whereabouts by the Mother who was actually harboring him, as a under-aged run-a-way.
Now there was no real reason for his actions, aside from the fact we were undergoing some tough financial setbacks. No arguments, no ill-relations or misunderstandings, or any logical reason we as parents could conclude for his decision to bail the first time. And I stand firm on the fact that we are pretty damn liberal, young at heart, and all-around cool parents, at least according to our other children and their friends.
After retrieving him from his friends house, he admitted his actions were impart caused by outside influences, and stated that his friends were encouraging him to run-a-way, move in with them, and to do and be whomever he wanted to be, as he was almost 18 anyway.
My wife and I have always tried to encourage him to pursue his passions, his dreams, and to always just be himself.
Ok, so at this time, to our knowledge anyway, there were no drugs or such at the core of his need to run away or simply put, any real reason for ditching his family.
Hell, I am an encyclopedia on addiction, as I lived many of my teenage years in complete oblivion, and chose to never hide my past from my children. I felt it was great teaching to educate them from non-bias standpoint, and guide them accordingly. And in being the example in overcoming any afflictions in life.
Plus, my son was fortunate not to have been raised in the environment I was, in that regard.
As a direct result of my upbringing, I am very liberal (i.e. tatooes, piercings, tabacco, little experimentation, weed, etc..) so none of the pieces seem to fit when he ran away. -It's not like he was imprisoned by our rules or any strict mental or physical beatings upon his choices to have certain freedoms and liberties; long hair, piercings, and well, being of a freedom fighter mentality, as was I, and remain to believe we are entitled, despite what most may say, do, or think.
In writing this, I apologize, as my mind is just scrambling for answers as to the news we just received. I am praying I don't drive across (3) state lines, and serious hurt the person I am about to introduce... a person whom has since relocated with our son to South Carlina from our home in South Florida... and perhaps, for good reason... but we'll get to that in a minute.
Roughly two months after the initial running away, and he came back, I was focused on assembled a business for my son and I to run together, nothing rocket science or anything, but a mobile detailing business, that I had hoped would create a Father and Son bond, and inspire the entrepreneur in him that has always lived in me, by offering him his first self-employment opportunity. I did all the work, set it up, built the rig, artwork, website, business cards, etc... by his own choice, he was of little participation, unfortunately.
So, for any who have made it this far, I'll try to get to the point. Roughly two months after he ran-away the first time, he up and bailed again. No discussion, no arguments, no problems between he and I, or with his mom, sisters, at least that I am aware of, nothing. No reason to skip out.
This time, I let him go.
Figured he would learn the hard way, like many of us, and he'd be back, no big deal.
Plus, he was maybe 30 days from his eighteenth birthday, so most of our friends suggested that once he turned 18, he could just leave anyway, so why force him to stay, right?
Indeed, a mistake, no doubt.
Naturally, we contacted and he and I had some rather harsh words, I called him out and offered him a resolve if he thought he was man enough, and what not in trying to understand his issues... I really felt as his friend and his father, I was in the least entitled to know why he left again without warning.
Nope, just... a casual well "I'm not coming back." -and a bunch of hyped up sarcasms, and words he would never say to my face, without us going behind the ole tool shed, so to speak. Which btw has never happened, and I am proud of that fact. We've always communicated rather well, which is what is really f'ing with my head at this point.
So, fast forward 10-11 months, we've barely spoken, aside from a short message here or there on FB, which seems to be his only mode of communication. He has no phone, no job, no education, no trade skills... this we've established through our short notes to one another, and through his sisters, etc...
Though I hate mention it, I do believe he suffers from a mild learning disorder that has never been fully diagnosed, but I believe is form of mild A.D.D. -Though suggested, we as parents were always against putting him on any ridalin or adarol, as I suffered some mild nervous conditions that I believe were a direct relation to being prescribed prozac in my youth.
So, no intent to start a debate about A.D.D meds, just sayin,' he is a bit lacking in the learning dept and I do not believe in teaching our children to rely on prescription drugs, at all!
Here it is March 9th, my second oldest daughter's 17th birthday... and I wake to our 14 year old daughter screaming; "OMG, No F'ing Way" whereby, the words; "Dad you're not gonna believe this," soon followed. -Yes, my teenagers cuss, and my house often sounds like that of the Osbournes.:rolleyes:
Today, we learn our beloved son has just had his first child yesterday. A baby boy, born on March 8th.
Yes, I'm now official a 40 year old grandpa.
Am I happy... NOT EXACTLY!
Turns out... he had this kid with his best friends MOTHER (*The harborer of his first run-a-way attempt) -the woman who blatantly lied to us, and whom we aside from rumors of her being a drug addict, possibly an ex-prostitute, who is also... between the age of 39-45 years old!
WTF? - Shouldn't there be a window of opportunity -or- a hunting season for this type of sh#t?
I am doing my best at this point to keep my wife sane, and from driving across (3) state lines, and well... ya know, we'll leave it at that, let's say.
Obviously, he is 18, and being he'll be 19 in May this year, it's likely the law cannot provide much resolve, so option 2 is out.
Option 3. - I am trying my damnedest to find any logic, practical means, or flat out psychological rationality to this woman getting herself impregnated by my son?
-I am concerned for the new born child, my first grandson more than anything, as it's not the babies fault, and I unlike my father, want to actually be there for every child born into this family.
-I am concerned for my son, who has no freaking clue how to take care of himself, let alone a child. He's had only one job in his life, and I protected him week in and week out from being fired as he was hired as my hired as my apprentice by the company I was working for at that time.
His work skills, well non-existent. I am truly a jack-of-all-trades, and have done rather well by those talents until a few years ago. My son, is a typical teen, a walking hormone imbalance, lazy, and prefers X-box, skateboarding, and playing guitar... which I do to, so can fault him for any of that stuff, lol.
-My wife's mindset is 'seeing red' to grossly understate how she feels about this woman's actions in getting impregnated by our son. My wife already has one daughter with her ex that we tried to console, and has suffered terrible addictions to Meth amphetamines, stripping, escorting herslf, father of her children in jail, among other issues... So, this is really eating at her, as I can attest, she really is a good mother, and cares deeply.
-I am facing some underlying issues of mild prejudice, as the child's mother is not only around 40 something (my age)... she too is very dark skinned, whereby, my son is a blue-eyed Irishman. This is a personal conflict for me, and I apologize in advance if it sounds harsh, as I am not stating I am any kind of racist. I just never saw or prepared for my son having an interracial relationship, let alone one with a 40 yr old, and now bearing a child by it. -Again, no intention to offend anyone.
Honestly, my wife getting pregnant with my son saved my life. His birth is one of the main reasons I believe; I am even still alive today, and her pregnancy influenced major changes in my overcoming severe addictions some 19 years ago.
I can only hope this does the same for my son, and he accepts the responsibilities he's been running away from up to this very day. I know, I did my best to be supportive, and guide him... just didn't seem to register.
In a self-admission to the pain this is causing me personally, I have blamed myself for his learning disorder (he never has learned to read or write verywell), as I was pretty messed up before my wife got pregnant, and though he's not retarded or severally challenged or anything to that extreme, he suffers some issues, I believe to be of my own faults. *A punishment I have tried to overcome and make up for his entire life.
And how ironic, I love writing... he struggles to spell 5 letter words (*Thanks God)
Man I am normally hard as nails, and this... it's just too much to process. I have no connections with any family outside my wife and kids, as much of my family chose different paths (to continue pursuing drugs, alcohol, dead end jobs, etc!) -while I have channeled all that energy into building businesses, and providing the best I could for my seeds.
My entire being has been, is, and will be... to always do right by my wife and kids.
Hence, this is exactly why I became a warrior, and to explore (if not challenge) my talents and passions in learning to build a marketplace impervious to recession, and centered around writing the wrongs, so to speak. So I could prove to my children with hard work and perseverance come true reward., regardless of formal education, finances, race, color, creed, or what everyone is doing, saying, thinking, etc...
I know; this probably ain't the place to air my dirty laundry, but damn if everything I am, everything I care about, everything I ever wanted for my children isn't at the core of my efforts to become a successful internet marketer - then I wouldn't be here at all!
I am at wits end on this one.
Lastly, this only proves my theory that the core ingredient in truly understanding love, is to undergo such suffering, and in learning compromise, sacrifice, and the toughest one for me; forgiveness.
I fear my boy has no clue the suffering has caused himself, his immediate family, but most importantly the child he has just brought into this world.
How am I ever supposed to look upon my grandson mother, without wanting to exercise my inner demon by removing hers?
Thanks for reading.
If I wasn't a recovered alcoholic of 15+ years this would've easily have been a 5th of whiskey (and then some) Irishman moment, but that's a leprechaun I dare not release. For in short order, it would be a Boondock Saint style resolve!
The only logical solution thus far... is to suggest to our son that he have a paternity test done to ensure that this child is even his. While I have not spoken to him directly, and he probably won't speak to his Mother or I as a result of this woman, I am truly losing my mind. So far the only thig keeping my thoughts in the realm of sanity over this issue is writing this!
Thanks - I had to vent it somewhere... guess here's a good a place as any, right?
Art
Generally keep my personals locked up, and far from the public eye...
However, I am facing some serious issues with my 18 yr old son, and seeking means to understand the humility he is now causing his family (myself included), and more importantly, himself.
So, here's the short version, roughly 15 months ago, my son decided to run away, he was then 17 yrs old.. At this time, we chalked it up as teenage angst, and we retrieved him from a his friends house after being blatantly lied to of his whereabouts by the Mother who was actually harboring him, as a under-aged run-a-way.
Now there was no real reason for his actions, aside from the fact we were undergoing some tough financial setbacks. No arguments, no ill-relations or misunderstandings, or any logical reason we as parents could conclude for his decision to bail the first time. And I stand firm on the fact that we are pretty damn liberal, young at heart, and all-around cool parents, at least according to our other children and their friends.
After retrieving him from his friends house, he admitted his actions were impart caused by outside influences, and stated that his friends were encouraging him to run-a-way, move in with them, and to do and be whomever he wanted to be, as he was almost 18 anyway.
My wife and I have always tried to encourage him to pursue his passions, his dreams, and to always just be himself.
Ok, so at this time, to our knowledge anyway, there were no drugs or such at the core of his need to run away or simply put, any real reason for ditching his family.
Hell, I am an encyclopedia on addiction, as I lived many of my teenage years in complete oblivion, and chose to never hide my past from my children. I felt it was great teaching to educate them from non-bias standpoint, and guide them accordingly. And in being the example in overcoming any afflictions in life.
Plus, my son was fortunate not to have been raised in the environment I was, in that regard.
As a direct result of my upbringing, I am very liberal (i.e. tatooes, piercings, tabacco, little experimentation, weed, etc..) so none of the pieces seem to fit when he ran away. -It's not like he was imprisoned by our rules or any strict mental or physical beatings upon his choices to have certain freedoms and liberties; long hair, piercings, and well, being of a freedom fighter mentality, as was I, and remain to believe we are entitled, despite what most may say, do, or think.
In writing this, I apologize, as my mind is just scrambling for answers as to the news we just received. I am praying I don't drive across (3) state lines, and serious hurt the person I am about to introduce... a person whom has since relocated with our son to South Carlina from our home in South Florida... and perhaps, for good reason... but we'll get to that in a minute.
Roughly two months after the initial running away, and he came back, I was focused on assembled a business for my son and I to run together, nothing rocket science or anything, but a mobile detailing business, that I had hoped would create a Father and Son bond, and inspire the entrepreneur in him that has always lived in me, by offering him his first self-employment opportunity. I did all the work, set it up, built the rig, artwork, website, business cards, etc... by his own choice, he was of little participation, unfortunately.
So, for any who have made it this far, I'll try to get to the point. Roughly two months after he ran-away the first time, he up and bailed again. No discussion, no arguments, no problems between he and I, or with his mom, sisters, at least that I am aware of, nothing. No reason to skip out.
This time, I let him go.
Figured he would learn the hard way, like many of us, and he'd be back, no big deal.
Plus, he was maybe 30 days from his eighteenth birthday, so most of our friends suggested that once he turned 18, he could just leave anyway, so why force him to stay, right?
Indeed, a mistake, no doubt.
Naturally, we contacted and he and I had some rather harsh words, I called him out and offered him a resolve if he thought he was man enough, and what not in trying to understand his issues... I really felt as his friend and his father, I was in the least entitled to know why he left again without warning.
Nope, just... a casual well "I'm not coming back." -and a bunch of hyped up sarcasms, and words he would never say to my face, without us going behind the ole tool shed, so to speak. Which btw has never happened, and I am proud of that fact. We've always communicated rather well, which is what is really f'ing with my head at this point.
So, fast forward 10-11 months, we've barely spoken, aside from a short message here or there on FB, which seems to be his only mode of communication. He has no phone, no job, no education, no trade skills... this we've established through our short notes to one another, and through his sisters, etc...
Though I hate mention it, I do believe he suffers from a mild learning disorder that has never been fully diagnosed, but I believe is form of mild A.D.D. -Though suggested, we as parents were always against putting him on any ridalin or adarol, as I suffered some mild nervous conditions that I believe were a direct relation to being prescribed prozac in my youth.
So, no intent to start a debate about A.D.D meds, just sayin,' he is a bit lacking in the learning dept and I do not believe in teaching our children to rely on prescription drugs, at all!
Here it is March 9th, my second oldest daughter's 17th birthday... and I wake to our 14 year old daughter screaming; "OMG, No F'ing Way" whereby, the words; "Dad you're not gonna believe this," soon followed. -Yes, my teenagers cuss, and my house often sounds like that of the Osbournes.:rolleyes:
Today, we learn our beloved son has just had his first child yesterday. A baby boy, born on March 8th.
Yes, I'm now official a 40 year old grandpa.
Am I happy... NOT EXACTLY!
Turns out... he had this kid with his best friends MOTHER (*The harborer of his first run-a-way attempt) -the woman who blatantly lied to us, and whom we aside from rumors of her being a drug addict, possibly an ex-prostitute, who is also... between the age of 39-45 years old!
WTF? - Shouldn't there be a window of opportunity -or- a hunting season for this type of sh#t?
I am doing my best at this point to keep my wife sane, and from driving across (3) state lines, and well... ya know, we'll leave it at that, let's say.
Obviously, he is 18, and being he'll be 19 in May this year, it's likely the law cannot provide much resolve, so option 2 is out.
Option 3. - I am trying my damnedest to find any logic, practical means, or flat out psychological rationality to this woman getting herself impregnated by my son?
-I am concerned for the new born child, my first grandson more than anything, as it's not the babies fault, and I unlike my father, want to actually be there for every child born into this family.
-I am concerned for my son, who has no freaking clue how to take care of himself, let alone a child. He's had only one job in his life, and I protected him week in and week out from being fired as he was hired as my hired as my apprentice by the company I was working for at that time.
His work skills, well non-existent. I am truly a jack-of-all-trades, and have done rather well by those talents until a few years ago. My son, is a typical teen, a walking hormone imbalance, lazy, and prefers X-box, skateboarding, and playing guitar... which I do to, so can fault him for any of that stuff, lol.
-My wife's mindset is 'seeing red' to grossly understate how she feels about this woman's actions in getting impregnated by our son. My wife already has one daughter with her ex that we tried to console, and has suffered terrible addictions to Meth amphetamines, stripping, escorting herslf, father of her children in jail, among other issues... So, this is really eating at her, as I can attest, she really is a good mother, and cares deeply.
-I am facing some underlying issues of mild prejudice, as the child's mother is not only around 40 something (my age)... she too is very dark skinned, whereby, my son is a blue-eyed Irishman. This is a personal conflict for me, and I apologize in advance if it sounds harsh, as I am not stating I am any kind of racist. I just never saw or prepared for my son having an interracial relationship, let alone one with a 40 yr old, and now bearing a child by it. -Again, no intention to offend anyone.
Honestly, my wife getting pregnant with my son saved my life. His birth is one of the main reasons I believe; I am even still alive today, and her pregnancy influenced major changes in my overcoming severe addictions some 19 years ago.
I can only hope this does the same for my son, and he accepts the responsibilities he's been running away from up to this very day. I know, I did my best to be supportive, and guide him... just didn't seem to register.
In a self-admission to the pain this is causing me personally, I have blamed myself for his learning disorder (he never has learned to read or write verywell), as I was pretty messed up before my wife got pregnant, and though he's not retarded or severally challenged or anything to that extreme, he suffers some issues, I believe to be of my own faults. *A punishment I have tried to overcome and make up for his entire life.
And how ironic, I love writing... he struggles to spell 5 letter words (*Thanks God)
Man I am normally hard as nails, and this... it's just too much to process. I have no connections with any family outside my wife and kids, as much of my family chose different paths (to continue pursuing drugs, alcohol, dead end jobs, etc!) -while I have channeled all that energy into building businesses, and providing the best I could for my seeds.
My entire being has been, is, and will be... to always do right by my wife and kids.
Hence, this is exactly why I became a warrior, and to explore (if not challenge) my talents and passions in learning to build a marketplace impervious to recession, and centered around writing the wrongs, so to speak. So I could prove to my children with hard work and perseverance come true reward., regardless of formal education, finances, race, color, creed, or what everyone is doing, saying, thinking, etc...
I know; this probably ain't the place to air my dirty laundry, but damn if everything I am, everything I care about, everything I ever wanted for my children isn't at the core of my efforts to become a successful internet marketer - then I wouldn't be here at all!
I am at wits end on this one.
Lastly, this only proves my theory that the core ingredient in truly understanding love, is to undergo such suffering, and in learning compromise, sacrifice, and the toughest one for me; forgiveness.
I fear my boy has no clue the suffering has caused himself, his immediate family, but most importantly the child he has just brought into this world.
How am I ever supposed to look upon my grandson mother, without wanting to exercise my inner demon by removing hers?
Thanks for reading.
If I wasn't a recovered alcoholic of 15+ years this would've easily have been a 5th of whiskey (and then some) Irishman moment, but that's a leprechaun I dare not release. For in short order, it would be a Boondock Saint style resolve!
The only logical solution thus far... is to suggest to our son that he have a paternity test done to ensure that this child is even his. While I have not spoken to him directly, and he probably won't speak to his Mother or I as a result of this woman, I am truly losing my mind. So far the only thig keeping my thoughts in the realm of sanity over this issue is writing this!
Thanks - I had to vent it somewhere... guess here's a good a place as any, right?
Art
Sal
When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
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Sal
When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
Beyond the Path
Professional Quality e-Covers | Private / Shared Proxies
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My Blog - Follow my journey online.
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Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.
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~Why Not Take a Half Hour and Feel Good~