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Blonds Are the Best

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of Them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
Room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles &some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
My mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
Day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'

Yes Siree Bob, Blondes Are The Best



The Old Geezer Is Not So Politically Correct
  • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
    A Blonde is walking along a river side, looking for a place to cross. While walking, she notices another blonde on the other side of the river.

    "Hey, how to you get to the other side?".. she shouts out!

    The second blonde looking up, shouts back,

    "Duh, you ARE on the other side!!!"

    @ Ken, ok Ken, I'm a Polish Blond... :p Bring it!

    ~ Theresa
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Originally Posted by Khemosabi View Post

      A Blonde is walking along a river side, looking for a place to cross. While walking, she notices another blonde on the other side of the river.

      "Hey, how to you get to the other side?".. she shouts out!

      The second blonde looking up, shouts back,

      "Duh, you ARE on the other side!!!"

      @ Ken, ok Ken, I'm a Polish Blond... :p Bring it!

      ~ Theresa
      No need you already brought it.
      Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
    Thanks Ken!

    I sure needed this today! Sometimes a smile can bring it all around for you!

    ~ Theresa
    Signature


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    • Profile picture of the author hirechrisgunn
      Two blondes living in Ohio were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

      The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
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  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    oldies but goodies. I love blonde jokes and any jokes really.
    Laughter is definitely good for me as medicine this week so thanks guys.
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    Q: How come blondes don't mind blonde jokes?
    A: Because they know they're not blonde.

    ------------------------------------------

    A State Patrol Officer comes across a single car accident. He asks the blonde driver what happened.

    She says all of a sudden there this tree in front of her and she swerved to avoid it. It was still there, so she swerved again. It was still there and she swerved again and lost control and crashed.

    The officer looks in her car and says, "Mam, that's not a tree, it's an air freshener."
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    Blonde jokes really tickle me - I don't know why -

    I guess this is what is meant by 'blondes have more fun'.

    It is not natural blondes that are dumb - the dumb ones are bleached blondes -- it is something about the peroxide fumes and what that may do to their brain and that is who the jokes are all about.

    To be politically correct you say that to natural blondes.

    When talking to bleached blondes, you blame the natural ones.

    Doesn't that sound just like politics?

    Anyway thanks for a badly needed laugh today - actually a couple!
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  • Profile picture of the author Paul Myers
    Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
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    Stop by Paul's Pub - my little hangout on Facebook.

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  • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
    How did the blonde fracture her skull the baseball game?

    She saw the fans doing the wave and tripped and hit her head when she tried to run because . . . she didn't know how to swim.
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    Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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  • Profile picture of the author Lloyd Buchinski
    A blonde is getting suspicious that her husband is cheating and she is upset. She goes out, buys a gun, and puts it in her purse.

    A few days later she comes home unexpectedly and sure enough, catches him with another woman. She pulls the gun out and puts it to her head.

    Her husband says "No, don't do that."

    "You shut up" she yells at him, "you're next."

    (I did have to explain that one to one person who had dark hair. It might take a bit of thinking too.)
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
      Originally Posted by Lloyd Buchinski View Post

      A blonde is getting suspicious that her husband is cheating and she is upset. She goes out, buys a gun, and puts it in her purse.

      A few days later she comes home unexpectedly and sure enough, catches him with another woman. She pulls the gun out and puts it to her head.

      Her husband says "No, don't do that."

      "You shut up" she yells at him, "you're next."

      (I did have to explain that one to one person who had dark hair. It might take a bit of thinking too.)
      Lloyd,

      That is so deep. :p

      Ken


      P.S. As I scratch my dark grey hair.
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      • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
        You guys crack me up. I don't know any blonde jokes. Maybe because I don't
        know any blondes.

        Okay, blonde walks into a bar with a duck on her shoulder. Bartender says, "Hey
        where did you get the pig?"

        Blonde says, "It's a duck!"

        Bartender says "I was talking to the duck."

        { { {Rim shot }

        Yeah, that was pretty bad.

        Carry on. Nothing to see here.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

    ######################

    A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    A blonde is sitting at the kitchen table trying to solve a puzzle for days but can't get the pieces to line up at all. Finally on the fourth night it's late and she's had almost no sleep for nights so her husband finally goes into the kitchen and tells her "You need to put the corn flakes back in the box and come to bed now.".
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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  • Profile picture of the author dave147
    A (Blonde) wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to
    her bedroom. In the darkened room from under the blanket she
    sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat
    and starts hitting the blanket just as hard as she possibly can.

    Satisfied with her revenge, she leaves her victims groaning in
    extreme pain and she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As
    she enters the kitchen she is shocked to see her husband
    sitting at the kitchen table.

    "Hey Honey", he says. "Your parents have come to visit with
    us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you get a chance
    to say 'hi' to them yet?"
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    This isn't really a blonde joke but I found it so funny I sort of adapted it.

    A guy walks into a bar with his blonde pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

    "Sorry," replied the guy. "She eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for everything."

    The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

    Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. She grabs it, sticks it up her butt, pulls it out and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

    "Yeah," replies the guy. "She still eats everything in sight, but ever since she swallowed that cue ball, she measures stuff first."
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    A blond goes to a lake. There's another blond across the lake so she yells across to her -- "How do I get to the other side?" The other blond yells back - "You're already there."
    Signature

    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author Bluestarace
      A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

      "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

      She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

      The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

      She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

      "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken".

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

      She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

      She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

      The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

      The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

      The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

      Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

      Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

      The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

      The telegraph operator tells the brunette that it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

      After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

      The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

      The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
      .................................................. .................................................. ................


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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Taken from the "All Blonde" class:

    Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
    Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
    Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
    Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
    Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
    Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
    Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
    Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
    Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
    Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
    Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
    Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
    Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
    Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
    Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
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  • Profile picture of the author stockscience
    I didn't get any of these jokes. Could you please type slower next time??
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
    Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
    Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Darn how did you find my answers to my senior year final exam?



    The Old Bowels
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  • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
    Real life story here. For you Ken!

    While in high school chemistry class, somehow the subject got on to Polish jokes. Ok, so I'm Polish, and thought I'd pipe in with my favorite Polish joke.

    Sooo, I tell my joke: "How do you break a Polack's nose!??" Everyone looks at me, waiting for my answer!
    "You punch him in the finger!"

    Yes, you read that right! And for the record, it took me more than once to write that out! I also have MANY "reminders" in my year book about that!

    And in case you missed it.... I'm a Polish blonde! TADA!!!!

    ~ Theresa
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Easter Blondes...

    Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
    The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
    St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
    The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
    St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
    The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."
    She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....
    St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
    "Then," the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
    St. Peter fainted...
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    • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      Easter Blondes...

      Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
      The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
      St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
      The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
      St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
      The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."
      She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....
      St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
      "Then," the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
      St. Peter fainted...
      Man, we SERIOUSLY need a "BOOOOOO" button! :p
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Being a very light blonde for the first 5 or 6 years and then gradually going to a sickly brown I took a lot of kidding about being blond.

    But I got um all back by sending them over to read this in the year book:

    While in high school chemistry class, somehow the subject got on to Polish jokes. Ok, so I'm Polish, and thought I'd pipe in with my favorite Polish joke.

    Sooo, I tell my joke: "How do you break a Polack's nose!??" Everyone looks at me, waiting for my answer!
    "You punch him in the finger!"

    Yes, you read that right! And for the record, it took me more than once to write that out! I also have MANY "reminders" in my year book about that!

    And in case you missed it.... I'm a Polish blonde! TADA!!!!

    ~ Theresa

    Very Evil Laugh :p
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    • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
      Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post

      Being a very light blonde for the first 5 or 6 years and then gradually going to a sickly brown I took a lot of kidding about being blond.

      But I got um all back by sending them over to read this in the year book:




      Very Evil Laugh :p
      If you ever need any further "validation"... I'll tell you my story of the garage door, and why it wouldn't open!
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Now that sounds interesting. Especially since involves a blonde and a garage door. LOL!
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    • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
      Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post

      Now that sounds interesting. Especially since involves a blonde and a garage door. LOL!
      Ok, but NO laughing.. promise??

      I had a delivery of firewood coming in and I didn't want to leave it outside because of the snow storm we were expecting. My husband was out of town. (Just so you know that I do have regular supervision).

      I go through the house into the gargage (the guy is almost down our long drive), to open the door. I hit the button, nothing, just the light comes on. Try it again, same thing, only this time the light goes off... WTheck?

      I call my husband and tell him the garage won't open!! All it does is turn the light on and off! Now what do I do?? He says, "Did you try hitting the otherrrrrr button?" ... Need I say more? :rolleyes:
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Sorry I'm laughing my butt off. And you have no idea how bad I need that laugh, as I have been dealing with hostgator support today for over 3 hours total.
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    • Profile picture of the author Khemosabi
      Originally Posted by Ken Leatherman View Post

      Sorry I'm laughing my butt off. And you have no idea how bad I need that laugh, as I have been dealing with hostgator support today for over 3 hours total.
      Ugh! So sorry to hear that, but glad I could make you smile!!!!

      BTW, I read that to my husband, he's still laughing! And now it's a "you should tell him about the time...."

      ~ Theresa
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  • Profile picture of the author iddigger
    Damn! I wish i read this before i dyed my beard blond. Now its grey
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    True Story that HeySal would really appreciate:

    My friend has a blonde friend who met a guy in a bar and they got to talking about what they do.

    He said he's a geologist, and she said something like "That's so cool, I don't know where anything is."
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    "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, then you're probably in the wrong room."

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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Two Blondes friends decide to go for a walk in the park. As they stroll along one Blonde looks up and says, "Look at that sky and how beautiful it is." The other blonde points and says, "Yes, and look how pretty the moon is."

    The first blonde says, "That's not the moon. It's the sun.""No, it's not. It's the moon" insists the first. "It's the sun." says the other.

    They continue arguing until they see a 3rd blonde. They stop her and ask, "Could you please help us settle an argument? My friend says that is the moon and I say it's the sun. Which is it?"

    The 3rd blonde looks up, then shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry. I'd like to help you, but I don't live around here."
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

    Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

    Still, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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  • Profile picture of the author seosemsearch
    Question: A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest?
    Answer: The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

    A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

    A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Leatherman
    Talk about being the stereo type of "Dumb Blond": Check this out!

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