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Defining Someone By Looks

by thunderbird
16 replies
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I was thinking that overly fixating on someone's good-looks is the reverse form of fixating on a person's ugliness, and not good in either case. Psychologically it is a crappy foundation for one's sense of self, yet others do try to impose their definitions of who someone is on a person based on looks.
  • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
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    I agree with you ... but there's a biological component to it, too: in evolutionary terms, we're all attracted to those we subconsciously perceive as the fittest/most genetically suitable potential partners, to perpetuate our species. Granted, that's not exactly the same as "defining people by looks", but psychologists say it's a big part of why we tend to do that.
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    • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
      Originally Posted by Alexa Smith View Post

      I agree with you ... but there's a biological component to it, too: in evolutionary terms, we're all attracted to those we subconsciously perceive as the fittest/most genetically suitable potential partners, to perpetuate our species. Granted, that's not exactly the same as "defining people by looks", but psychologists say it's a big part of why we tend to do that.
      So, how about just silently deciding not to mate with with a person without verbally defining that person, lol.

      In the case of children, why say anything about the child's looks? Hearing adults repeatedly refer to a child as pretty or handsome kind of disturbs me. One mother actually called my son a "playboy". He's 3-years-old!
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      • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
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        Originally Posted by thunderbird View Post

        So, how about just silently deciding not to mate with with a person without verbally defining that person, lol.
        That's one answer; but doing it successfully requires overcoming our innate psycho-evolutionary programming (at least to some extent).

        Originally Posted by thunderbird View Post

        In the case of children, why say anything about the child's looks? Hearing adults repeatedly refer to a child as pretty or handsome kind of disturbs me.
        I hear you ... but it's not going away any time soon, I suspect. We live in a strongly looks-oriented society. People widely/conventionally considered "attractive" have all kinds of advantages, and psychological research shows that even people claiming to be entirely uninfluenced by others' looks very commonly are, really.

        Originally Posted by Lucian Lada View Post

        Women are a little more open minded and realize that men don't have to look good to be attractive.
        I agree. I think there's even scientific evidence proving that looks mean much more to men, overall, than to women. And then there's the fact (if it is a "fact") that, as the saying goes, "Women learn to find attractive the men they love, whereas men learn to love the women they find attractive".
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        • Profile picture of the author Brian John
          def agree that we have a fixation w beauty, prolly to the point of it sometimes being to our detriment. as alexa noted there is a significant evolutionary component to it. it's well documented that even newborn babies tend to stare longer and respond more favorably to faces deemed to be more attractive. these types of deep-seated preprogrammed, so to speak, responses and behaviors can often be very difficult to change.

          Babies prefer to gaze upon beautiful faces - 06 September 2004 - New Scientist
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        • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
          Originally Posted by Alexa Smith View Post

          <snip>...psychological research shows that even people claiming to be entirely uninfluenced by others' looks very commonly are, really.
          Yes. Being influenced by it is normal. Obsessively fixating on it is unbalanced.
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          • Profile picture of the author Kay King
            why say anything about the child's looks
            When it's a comment made about a child, the reason is usually nothing more than social custom. The person is trying to find something complimentary to say (or just SOMETHING to say).

            A new acquaintance can't say a child is smart or sensitive or kind - he has no way of knowing that. He can say he's handsome or cute - or that she's pretty. What parent is going to argue with that assessment?

            One mother actually called my son a "playboy". He's 3-years-old!
            Hmmmm - didn't you post a while back that your son liked pretty women and flirted with them? Guess they noticed, too.
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            • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
              Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

              When it's a comment made about a child, the reason is usually nothing more than social custom. The person is trying to find something complimentary to say (or just SOMETHING to say).

              A new acquaintance can't say a child is smart or sensitive or kind - he has no way of knowing that. He can say he's handsome or cute - or that she's pretty. What parent is going to argue with that assessment?

              Hmmmm - didn't you post a while back that your son liked pretty women and flirted with them? Guess they noticed, too.
              Sure, every parent likes to hear people say nice things about their child sometimes. In this case, it is people (mostly Asian mothers) we know and often meet in various settings (not by plan). It has been more than a comment made once or twice, but repeated every time we cross paths to the extent that it's sounding like a mantra and even kind of exclusionary. His mommy also finds something abnormal about it and said so even though I hadn't brought up the subject. I don't think it should be painted as his defining characteristic -- there is much much more to him than his appearance. We don't want him to get targeted (and it could happen maybe more easily with him than some kids, since he is mixed race).
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      • Profile picture of the author HeySal
        Originally Posted by thunderbird View Post

        So, how about just silently deciding not to mate with with a person without verbally defining that person, lol.

        In the case of children, why say anything about the child's looks? Hearing adults repeatedly refer to a child as pretty or handsome kind of disturbs me. One mother actually called my son a "playboy". He's 3-years-old!
        Language is actually "labeling" our ideas. We can't communicate without labels. So, instinctively, we will always define another person by labeling them.

        We also choose who we want to be around by appearances - we dress in a way that indicates our values, so actually influence others to "label" us. We also are not likely to mate with someone we find "ugly". It is true, however, that our perception of a person's looks often changes as we get to know them. If we start to dislike someone they will appear less attractive, just as we start to see those who we come to like or love as being better looking than we first perceived them to be. If you want proof that ugly people are still seen to be beautiful by some - check out the mother of a homely child.

        I just can't get shook over "defining" or "labeling". Without it there would be no civilization.
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        • Profile picture of the author thunderbird
          Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

          Language is actually "labeling" our ideas. We can't communicate without labels. So, instinctively, we will always define another person by labeling them.

          We also choose who we want to be around by appearances - we dress in a way that indicates our values, so actually influence others to "label" us. We also are not likely to mate with someone we find "ugly". It is true, however, that our perception of a person's looks often change as we get to know them. If we start to dislike someone they will appear less attractive, just as we start to see those who we come to like or love as being better looking than we first perceived them to be. If you want proof that ugly people are still seen to be beautiful by some - check out the mother of a homely child.

          I just can't get shook over "defining" or "labeling". Without it there would be no civilization.
          I can't argue with that. It makes sense. The way I dress is a lot like a stick bug, so to speak, and you'd have to look hard to even see anything. The way my son dresses (he chooses his clothes before we buy them or will refuse to wear them), says, "I like Disney and Marvel Comics. Daddy, don't tell me about their corporate wrongs -- I'm too young to worry about that." Life entails a relentless battle of definitions. I'll just try to let my son be aware that his definition of himself will win out in the end if he stays true to himself and doesn't let the fickle and shifting perceptions of others define who he is. I don't want him to become vain and shallow like some people:



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  • Profile picture of the author Lucian Lada
    It's really incredible how many people (especially men) fixate so much on good looks. Women are a little more open minded and realize that men don't have to look good to be attractive.

    The matter becomes even more imbecile (to say the least) when people equal good-looking standards to what magazines put out. I know plenty of men of my age who hit the gym 5 times a week, buy all kinds of "supplements" (again, to say the least) with the illusion that girls will all of a sudden find them attractive. If asked, they say it's for personal reasons. Yeah right. I'm also ashamed to say that I know people who believe women will get turned on (or, as it's called in popular culture, "get wet") upon touching a nicely worked out, 6-pack abs.

    Good looks without a great personality isn't worth much. But my opinion is that many men don't have a great personality to start with, so at least they have a good looking woman to stare at. Plus, they have a superiority complexion, so why bother with a smart women when they can have a simple minded one?
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    • Profile picture of the author Daniel Evans
      Originally Posted by Lucian Lada View Post

      Women are a little more open minded and realize that men don't have to look good to be attractive.
      Are they "open minded" by will?

      As mentioned it's a hard wired biological response linked to parental suitability.
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  • Profile picture of the author TimothyTorrents
    Surprisingly a lot of things can be determined just by looking at a person. I read this book awhile ago. Very interesting.

    http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30601...-h/30601-h.htm

    I guess it is online for free now.
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    • Profile picture of the author seasoned
      Originally Posted by timbonitus View Post

      Surprisingly a lot of things can be determined just by looking at a person. I read this book awhile ago. Very interesting.

      http://www.gutenberg.org/files/30601...-h/30601-h.htm

      I guess it is online for free now.
      Yeah, geothe and gutenberg are two people that, HUNDREDS of years later, have things done under their name that they could be PROUD of. I guess it is POSSIBLE to strive for such things.

      Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Keenan Handy
    I guess the age old saying goes " Never Judge A Book By it Cover" This is for the Men. How many times have we seen a hot chick, and the minute she begins to talk your automatically turned off by her. It's a 50/50 game my friend. We are stimulated by both.
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    I agree that there is a biological/species survival component to this. A few years back there was study about how people with symmetry to their faces were deemed more attractive than those whose face were not symmetrical. Such as one eye being lower than the other...

    I also agree it does not have to be verbalized. If friends introduce me to someone and I'm not interested in her, then I tell the friends there was just no spark, or no chemistry. This is only if they ask. And, it's all I say regardless of whether it was physical or personality, or both.

    I think it was Steven Covey in "Seven Habits of Highly Successful People" who pointed out that about fifty years prior to his book, the self-improvement literature stopped being about character and integrity and started being about charm and influence. This is probably about the same time that Western Society society started overemphasizing looks. That drift away from character. And the rise of television and color photography magazines.

    I also agree that it is weird when people use terms like "playboy" to describe a child. Maybe that sort of sexualizing mentality is why we now have 1st graders talking about losing their virginity?
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  • Profile picture of the author trader909
    are all the top movie stars are ugly?
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