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Intellectual jokes

by KingOfContentMarketing
33 replies
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I graduated in the half of the class that made the top half look good, so I didn't get all these intellectual jokes:

50 People On ‘The Most Intellectual Joke I Know’ | Thought Catalog

My favorites:


Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?


A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘em!”
  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    I already posted my fav of this kind but this is it in case anyone missed it.

    Descartes walks into the bar and the bartender asks him if he'd like to try a shot of the 100 year old scotch he just opened. Descartes says "I think not" and disappears.
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
      Originally Posted by HeySal View Post

      I already posted my fav of this kind but this is it in case anyone missed it.

      Descartes walks into the bar and the bartender asks him if he'd like to try a shot of the 100 year old scotch he just opened. Descartes says "I think not" and disappears.
      Great one. They used yours for the pull quote at the top of the article. Honors!

      This is a dumb one from the list but it made me lol:

      "Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react."

      Oy vey, I'm laughing too much at these:

      "Wife walks in on husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, “I can explain everything!”"
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      Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
      - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author Paul Myers
    Despite the fun tech jokes and wordplay, this one captured my attention...

    "Q: What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
    "A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot."

    The phrase 'ruminant rumination' springs to mind...
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    Stop by Paul's Pub - my little hangout on Facebook.

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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    LOL - that one took me a minute. A little too Hindu koan for me at this hour, I guess. drool.
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Here are two:

    When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like, OMg.

    A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light..."
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  • Profile picture of the author garyv
    There are two kinds of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
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  • Profile picture of the author garyv
    Mahatma Gandhi was known to frequently walk barefoot and consequently the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath. VERY bad breath.



    In other words, he was a a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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  • Profile picture of the author seasoned
    It IS interesting how you can make jokes from failed jokes!

    There WAS one earlier that said:

    Two chemists walk into a bar....
    1. First chemist.... I would like h20
    2. Second Chemist... I would like some h20 too.
    3. Second chemist DIES....

    HERE....

    Two chemists walk into a bar....
    1. First chemist.... I would like h20
    2. Second Chemist... I would like some water too.
    3. First chemist distraught that his homicide attempt failed.

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    A psychic dwarf busted out of prison. The local paper ran the headline:

    "Small Medium at Large"
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  • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
    Banned
    "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.







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    • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
      An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar (true story ). The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second one says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."

      The barman brings out just two beers.

      The mathematicians protest: "That's all you're giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?"

      The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."
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    • Profile picture of the author Claude Whitacre
      Originally Posted by Horny Devil View Post

      "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.
      .
      Brilliant. I'm kind of amazed that I got it.
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      “Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise; seek what they sought.” - Matsuo Basho
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      • Profile picture of the author Brandon Tanner
        I don't know any "intellectual" jokes, but I know a "brilliant" one...

        One day, Miss Finch was giving the class a lesson on grammar. "I want someone to use the word brilliant, in the same sentence twice".

        "My father bought my brilliant mother a brilliant dress", said Little Mary.

        "My mother planned a brilliant banquet and it turned out brilliantly", said Little Jack.

        Then Little Johnny spoke up, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant. He said, 'Brilliant, just f---ing brilliant!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed?

    Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.
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    Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm laughing my head off at these. Somebody call my therapist.
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    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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    • Profile picture of the author HeySal
      Originally Posted by KingOfContentMarketing View Post

      I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm laughing my head off at these. Somebody call my therapist.

      What would you like us to call her?

      Ba da bing.

      I would think you are laughing because they are funny (hence the label "jokes")
      Signature

      Sal
      When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
      Beyond the Path

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      • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
        Banned
        All the passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive. The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a guide dog, the other is tapping his way along with a white-tipped cane.

        The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.

        The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.

        Panic ensues and screams fill the air. At that very moment the plane lifts smoothly into the air, and all the passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

        Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Joe," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
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        • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
          Banned
          Four farmers were sat down in a bar. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

          The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."

          The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."

          The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."

          The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

          At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look. It's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

          Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well. I don't know. A young girl like that. I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard a bull fart".





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          • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
            Banned
            A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog vendor and tells him: "Make me one with everything".
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            • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
              Banned
              Forty days pass, the great flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in. Noah's wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he'll take care of it.

              A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of a wooden table he'd just built. "How is this going to get them to reproduce?" she asks. "Trust me," he replies.

              A few days, she notices there are eggs in the basket. She is delighted and asks Noah how the wooden table could have possibly helped. He says, "My dear, even adders can multiply on a log table."
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              • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
                Banned
                A pastor, a doctor and a theorist are on a golf course behind an especially slow group. When the marshal comes around, they decide to mention it to him. He tells them the slow play is because it is a group of blind firefighters, who saved the clubhouse from a fire that blinded them, so they get to play for free.

                The pastor proclaims, "That is terrible, I will say a prayer for them."

                The doctor says, "I can contact an ophthalmologist friend who has done wonders with the blind."

                The theorist asks, "Why don't they just play at night?"
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                • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
                  Banned
                  During the French revolution a priest, a drunk, and an engineer are sent to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

                  The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

                  Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is . . . "
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                  • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
                    Banned
                    Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
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                    • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
                      Banned
                      An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
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                      • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
                        Banned
                        A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
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                        • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
                          Banned
                          My son had a bit of a melt down last night.

                          "I want to kill you," he screamed, "You gave me a stupid name, I want me and mum to leave you."

                          "Oedipus," I sighed with dismay, "you're a complex little f**ker."
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  • Profile picture of the author Dan Riffle
    The monk asked for his change and the vendor said, "I'm sorry. Change comes from within."
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    Raising a child is akin to knowing you're getting fired in 18 years and having to train your replacement without actively sabotaging them.

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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
    A: To get to the same side.

    The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines an elementary particle as the dreams that stuff is made of.

    Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

    A man, complaining of headaches, entered a hospital for diagnostic tests. A doctor examined the results for a brain scan and told the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment. The good news is that this hospital has developed a new procedure for brain transplants and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available: one is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist. The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95." Puzzled, the patient asked, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?" The doctor replied, "It's used."
    Signature

    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author MissTerraK
      Question: What is "IT"?

      Astronomers do IT all night.

      Chemists do IT by bonding.

      Newton did IT with force.

      Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.

      Maxwell did IT with magnetism.

      Volta did IT with a jolt.

      Watt did IT with power.

      Joule did IT with energy.

      Ohm did IT with resistance.

      Pascal did IT under pressure.

      Hooke did IT using springs.

      Coulomb got all charged up about IT.

      Hertz did IT frequently.

      Boltzmann did IT in heat.

      Ampere let IT flow.

      For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.

      Edison claims to have invented IT.

      When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.

      For Darwin, IT was natural.

      Freud did IT in his sleep.

      Mendel studied the consequences of IT.

      When Wegener did IT, continents moved.

      Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.

      Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.

      Bohr did IT in an excited state.

      Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.

      Schrödinger did IT in waves.

      Bose did IT with partners.

      Einstein did IT on a curved surface.

      Oort did IT in a cloud.

      Hubble did IT in the dark.

      Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.

      Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.

      Theorists do IT on paper.

      Wigner did IT in a group.

      Richter and Ting did IT with charm.

      Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.

      Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.

      Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.

      Feynman did IT in fields.

      Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.

      And supersymmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.


      Answer: IT = science, of course.



      Terra
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
    A: Seawater

    It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."
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    Sal
    When the Roads and Paths end, learn to guide yourself through the wilderness
    Beyond the Path

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    • Profile picture of the author Horny Devil
      Banned
      Two psychologists pass each other in the hall of a large university. "How are you?" says one. The other keeps walking and thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"

      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Two cats are sitting on the pier. One cat is looking into his tackle box. The other cat turns to him and asks, "Do you have worms", to which the first cat replied, "I don't want to talk about it."
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