I Almost Bought A Talking Dog

by Horny Devil Banned
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Well, Christmas and New Year gone by for another 12 months and I know that I'm not ever going to understand women. Take the hair removal kit I got her indoors as a present. I mean, how can you take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hairs out by the root, yet still be afraid of a spider.

Yes, Christmas is certainly an eventful time. I also discovered that certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive system of a 4 year-old, the motor on a ceiling fan is not strong enough to rotate a 44-pound child wearing a Superman costume and cape, and the response time of our local fire service is 35 minutes.

The regular stroll we take after dinner on New Years Day was not quite as traumatic, but still eventful.

We passed a house with a sign outside that read, “Talking Dog for Sale.” The children and the wife were intrigued and wanted to see, so we knocked and were shown in. “So what have you done with your life?” I asked the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” said the dog. “I once lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served for my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

I was flabbergasted and asked the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner said, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

We left and continued our stroll, and further down the street bumped into my daughter's teacher. "So, what did you do over the holiday", asked the teacher. My daughter replied, "I went to visit my Nana".

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Always use big people words", she said, and then asked if my daughter had done anything else. "Yes, I took a ride on a choo-choo", she replied.

The teacher said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words. And did you have any nice presents for Christmas?". "Yes, I had toys and a book," she replied.

"That's wonderful", the teacher said. "What book did you have?" My daughter thought about it, then puffed out her little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."


"New Year's Day: now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual . . . New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls, and humbug resolutions."
- MARK TWAIN (1835-1910)

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