Extremely bothered

Like Mike said, several years back I too came out of a long term relationship where I wound up giving my ex everything and I walked out with what I was wearing. For a while I didn't have anywhere to live and I can assure you that was the lowest place I've ever been.

I'll tell you this though, when I was at a friends having a shower after he found me wandering around one day I realised that even though at that point I felt I had nothing, I did in fact have a friend that was concerned and who was prepared to put me up until I found my feet. I also realised I was alive and well (ish) in a nice country to be in. I became grateful for what little I had. You at least have the want to help others and that's a lovely quality to have.

Your life might well be crashing around you now, it may even get worse before it gets better but you have to try and be strong for your kids sakes. You can't let this affect you so they don't see the Dad they love and you have lots of people here who are very happy to help out, chat and listen if you need it.

Hell, I'm away this weekend but when I'm back I'll happily get on Skype and have a few beers with you from across the pond. And...and...and.....You're in Ohio so not far from Riffle and Claude, and if two people could cheer you up on this forum you're lucky enough to live near the two mad hatters themselves.

While a lofty goal, it is virtually impossible to be of much help to others while your own life is in turmoil. It has been my observation over my life that people who are fixated on helping others oftentimes are doing so at the expense of not taking care of themselves and their own interpersonal relationships. Oftentimes a failed marriage or the inability to hold a job are a manifestation of this. There is nothing selfish about concentrating on focusing your efforts inward and devoting as much time and energy as may be necessary to find a new way to face your problems.

We all have problems. It's the way in which we acknowledge them, develop a plan to overcome them and put that plan into concrete action that determines how happy and productive we can be, in spite of them. While your problems may seem huge to you, if you look around you will see that the world is full of people who's lives have been devastated from one factor or another and many of them have virtually no chance of ever fighting their way back to any semblance of normalcy. Focus on the good things. Getting divorced is not a good thing. The fact that your children have two parents is a very good thing. Being financially strapped is not a good thing, Having the skills and drive to reverse that is a very good thing. Quit moaning and get to work to improve your lot in life. Sorry. I ain't Mother Theresa.

Problems are nothing more than opportunities to discover more about yourself and to develop new and creative ways to face life's challenges, head on. This is part of the continuing effort to develop self-awareness and to strengthen our personal character and fortitude. It is a never ending process, just as it should it be. This is not the first time in your life that you have gone through this, I'm sure - and I can be certain in telling you that it will not be the last. As you develop the tools necessary to combat these feelings they will have less of a draining effect on you with each recurrence. Attitude is nothing more than another psychological muscle which needs to be continuously toned lest it fall victim to atrophy.

The best advice I can give you is to start each day by taking a long, hard, up close look in the bathroom mirror and repeating these two, simple words to yourself in a firm, clear and determined voice - "Onward and upward."

I mean, what are your options? If you're not fighting with every ounce of your being to make things better, you are not going to see improvement. Life rarely, if ever, just 'gets better' on its own. Challenge yourself. This is one of those times in life where you will get a very honest look at what you are made of. You want to come out of it liking what you see.

Cheers. - Frank

P.S. I have not become a paragon of mental health by not practicing what I preach. If you work very hard at it, one day you might become as psychologically well-adjusted as I am. I'm living proof that anything is possible. :-)

Now, right now, is a great time to develop your skills and learn new skills. This will help you now by taking your mind off of the issues that depress you for an hour or a few hours each day or week. More time spent on a positive activity means less time spent lamenting the negative. That alone can have an important and beneficial impact on your life.

That will not only help you now, but it will also help you for the rest of your life because your skill set will be improved. With an improved skill set you not only help yourself, but you can help others more and at the same time deliver several valuable lessons to your sons through the power of example.


This is important. We find what we look for in life. If we look for what is wrong we'll find it. If we look for what is good we'll find that. Look for the good things, it keeps you from dwelling on the bad things.

I know, it's easier said than done sometimes. It is, but then again it isn't. You just have to do it. You may not feel more gratitude than sorrow at the moment, but just going through the motions hitches your mind's eye to the goal, and that will help pull you through the muck.


The good news is that you don't have to give up charity stuff, but you can make adjustments to how and what you give. There are lots of ways to help others. Monetary donations are just one of them, and that's not always the best option.

Look for ways to donate your time instead. Call your local chamber of commerce or United Way and ask about volunteer opportunities. They can point you to the greatest needs in your area that are a fit with your personality, skills, and finances.

One thing that has helped me through tough times is something my sister told me helped her get through some poor health issues that almost took her life. She'd tell herself:

It really does help to remind ourselves that when we're going through something, there is a point where we get past it and emerge on the other side. And when we do, we're often stronger, smarter, and more clear on what we want.