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Have you ever gotten a hopeless feeling? Like suddenly, everything you attempted to do just crumbled right before you? No matter how much you try to do the right thing, there's always a block.

I'm just really disturbed right now. I'm trying to remain positive. I don't really have anyone to vent to so I'm here.

I'll stop here. I love my 2 sons....
  • Profile picture of the author Midnight Oil
    Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

    Have you ever gotten a hopeless feeling? Like suddenly, everything you attempted to do just crumbled right before you? No matter how much you try to do the right thing, there's always a block.
    Perception doesn't always equal reality.

    Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

    I'm just really disturbed right now. I'm trying to remain positive. I don't really have anyone to vent to so I'm here.
    See a doctor soon. Call a local helpline and talk.

    Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

    I love my 2 sons....
    Stay focused on this. Don't lose sight of how much they mean to you, and how much you mean to them. How you respond to what you're going through may impact them for a lifetime.

    You are worthy.
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  • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
    Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

    Have you ever gotten a hopeless feeling? Like suddenly, everything you attempted to do just crumbled right before you? No matter how much you try to do the right thing, there's always a block.

    I'm just really disturbed right now. I'm trying to remain positive. I don't really have anyone to vent to so I'm here.
    Has this just come on Bill or is it an ongoing thing? I'm very sorry to hear you feel like this. If you want to PM me and chat you can.

    As Midnight said though, if it's bad you ought to at least see a doctor and explain things and for the record I have good days, bad days, emotional days and some days where I just don't care. We're an up and down emotional kind of creature and there's enough going on in the world to get upset about.

    Chin up Bill, tomorrow might be a better day and if nothing else, if you've a roof, water and food, you're better off than some people and if you've 2 nice sons, you're a lucky man in many peoples book.
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    • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      Have you ever gotten a hopeless feeling? Like suddenly, everything you attempted to do just crumbled right before you? No matter how much you try to do the right thing, there's always a block.

      I'm just really disturbed right now. I'm trying to remain positive. I don't really have anyone to vent to so I'm here.

      I'll stop here. I love my 2 sons....
      Yep, l recently had my security blanket wisked from underneath me recently, by one of the lowest forms of human life l have ever interacted with on this planet!

      But seriously bad things or situations tend to happen just before things turn around.

      Read about millionaires, most if not all, were in a bad state, just before getting that big break!

      Unless they gave up of course!


      So, stay the course, well, take a break, and research your area of expertise to death, before giving up!


      I did that last time, and found an opportunity, that l had missed, so it is worth doing, unless someone or something shows up first?


      The brick wall for me is usually traffic, but there are ways around that wall!


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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Bill - if you only knew. I had one period of time I got laid off from a job and no matter what I did, I was just sinking. When I wasn't looking for a new job, I was writing an article or ebook for spare cash. That wasn't bad though - what was bad was that I had this feeling of impending doom no matter what. Even my dreams were nothing but doom.......and even though I was doing affirmations to try to change them, and usually had good control of them.

    The good news is that it passes. I don't know what brought it on. It wasn't the first time I had to look for a new job. Maybe not eating right or something? Who knows. The important thing is that it went away. It actually was so strong it scared me, though.

    If you aren't getting good sleep, try to get the family to leave ya alone a little bit for a few days to catch up - if you aren't eating right, go get some good organic veggies and pig out for a day or two. Keep your mind on the beauty and peace of summer - get out in the grass barefoot and ground out that electromagnatism - and whoever it is that is your best friend........spend an afternoon or evening with them. Take some time to laugh and forget about tomorrow, or bills, or responsibility, just have a good time.

    Always keep in mind that it will pass. Give it a week or two and if it doesn't, get to a counselor. There might be something in your subconscious mind bugging you that someone else can help bring to your conscious mind so you can get rid of it.

    Sucks to get down sometimes, but it's normal to have a bad time now and then. I know our new and improved society seems to want us to think there's something wrong with you if you are down - but there isn't. Just the sucky part of life that hits us now and again. You'll get through it.
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  • Profile picture of the author whateverpedia
    At the risk of sounding glib, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to bounce back.

    I know, I've been there many times.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    No, this feeling does not happen often to me. It's just that I'm going through a divorce, I'm not making very much money right now, my car broke down the other day but I've tried to remain positive. I've been actively helping others with random acts of kindness, although I'm probably the one who needs help..lol.

    Last night, I guess things were kind of getting to me. I had a little break down. I'm not seeing my two son as much as I want to because of my car. My ex wife doesn't quite understand anything so it's hard to communicate with her. I just began to feel extremely bad.
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    • Profile picture of the author MikeAmbrosio
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      No, this feeling does not happen often to me. It's just that I'm going through a divorce, I'm not making very much money right now, my car broke down the other day but I've tried to remain positive. I've been actively helping others with random acts of kindness, although I'm probably the one who needs help..lol.

      Last night, I guess things were kind of getting to me. I had a little break down. I'm not seeing my two son as much as I want to because of my car. My ex wife doesn't quite understand anything so it's hard to communicate with her. I just began to feel extremely bad.

      Wow! My life about 20 years ago. No joke. I got divorced, 2 sons, money issues and even car issues.

      It's hard to stay positive, I know, but for your sake and the sake of your sons, try hard. This doesn't help everyone, but I had a fantastic psychologist I saw for a few years. Learned a lot from her.

      These days, I am in a happy marriage with 2 more kids, my two oldest are adults now and we have a great relationship, and money is no longer an issue. A LOT of hard work, but it's there for you.
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      • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
        Originally Posted by MikeAmbrosio View Post

        Wow! My life about 20 years ago. No joke. I got divorced, 2 sons, money issues and even car issues.

        It's hard to stay positive, I know, but for your sake and the sake of your sons, try hard. This doesn't help everyone, but I had a fantastic psychologist I saw for a few years. Learned a lot from her.

        These days, I am in a happy marriage with 2 more kids, my two oldest are adults now and we have a great relationship, and money is no longer an issue. A LOT of hard work, but it's there for you.
        Yeah, right now, it just seems like my world is crashing. My passion is helping others. I love to give to those who are unfortunate...sadly, I'm not very skilled in many other areas.
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        • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
          Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

          Yeah, right now, it just seems like my world is crashing. My passion is helping others. I love to give to those who are unfortunate...sadly, I'm not very skilled in many other areas.
          Like Mike said, several years back I too came out of a long term relationship where I wound up giving my ex everything and I walked out with what I was wearing. For a while I didn't have anywhere to live and I can assure you that was the lowest place I've ever been.

          I'll tell you this though, when I was at a friends having a shower after he found me wandering around one day I realised that even though at that point I felt I had nothing, I did in fact have a friend that was concerned and who was prepared to put me up until I found my feet. I also realised I was alive and well (ish) in a nice country to be in. I became grateful for what little I had. You at least have the want to help others and that's a lovely quality to have.

          Your life might well be crashing around you now, it may even get worse before it gets better but you have to try and be strong for your kids sakes. You can't let this affect you so they don't see the Dad they love and you have lots of people here who are very happy to help out, chat and listen if you need it.

          Hell, I'm away this weekend but when I'm back I'll happily get on Skype and have a few beers with you from across the pond. And...and...and.....You're in Ohio so not far from Riffle and Claude, and if two people could cheer you up on this forum you're lucky enough to live near the two mad hatters themselves.
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          • Profile picture of the author tagiscom
            Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

            No, this feeling does not happen often to me. It's just that I'm going through a divorce, I'm not making very much money right now, my car broke down the other day but I've tried to remain positive. I've been actively helping others with random acts of kindness, although I'm probably the one who needs help..lol.

            Last night, I guess things were kind of getting to me. I had a little break down. I'm not seeing my two son as much as I want to because of my car. My ex wife doesn't quite understand anything so it's hard to communicate with her. I just began to feel extremely bad.
            Hmmmm, interesting, the woman who wrote all the Harry Potter novels, felt the same way!

            She basically said, everything she touched went bad, and was convinced that she would wake up one morning, with a dead daughter, because of all the bad luck, bestowed on her.

            J.K. Rowling is her name, and she is reported to be worth at least 300 million pounds.

            Not bad for a broke writer with bad luck!


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        • Profile picture of the author BigFrank
          Banned
          Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

          Yeah, right now, it just seems like my world is crashing. My passion is helping others. I love to give to those who are unfortunate...sadly, I'm not very skilled in many other areas.
          While a lofty goal, it is virtually impossible to be of much help to others while your own life is in turmoil. It has been my observation over my life that people who are fixated on helping others oftentimes are doing so at the expense of not taking care of themselves and their own interpersonal relationships. Oftentimes a failed marriage or the inability to hold a job are a manifestation of this. There is nothing selfish about concentrating on focusing your efforts inward and devoting as much time and energy as may be necessary to find a new way to face your problems.

          We all have problems. It's the way in which we acknowledge them, develop a plan to overcome them and put that plan into concrete action that determines how happy and productive we can be, in spite of them. While your problems may seem huge to you, if you look around you will see that the world is full of people who's lives have been devastated from one factor or another and many of them have virtually no chance of ever fighting their way back to any semblance of normalcy. Focus on the good things. Getting divorced is not a good thing. The fact that your children have two parents is a very good thing. Being financially strapped is not a good thing, Having the skills and drive to reverse that is a very good thing. Quit moaning and get to work to improve your lot in life. Sorry. I ain't Mother Theresa.

          Problems are nothing more than opportunities to discover more about yourself and to develop new and creative ways to face life's challenges, head on. This is part of the continuing effort to develop self-awareness and to strengthen our personal character and fortitude. It is a never ending process, just as it should it be. This is not the first time in your life that you have gone through this, I'm sure - and I can be certain in telling you that it will not be the last. As you develop the tools necessary to combat these feelings they will have less of a draining effect on you with each recurrence. Attitude is nothing more than another psychological muscle which needs to be continuously toned lest it fall victim to atrophy.

          The best advice I can give you is to start each day by taking a long, hard, up close look in the bathroom mirror and repeating these two, simple words to yourself in a firm, clear and determined voice - "Onward and upward."

          I mean, what are your options? If you're not fighting with every ounce of your being to make things better, you are not going to see improvement. Life rarely, if ever, just 'gets better' on its own. Challenge yourself. This is one of those times in life where you will get a very honest look at what you are made of. You want to come out of it liking what you see.

          Cheers. - Frank

          P.S. I have not become a paragon of mental health by not practicing what I preach. If you work very hard at it, one day you might become as psychologically well-adjusted as I am. I'm living proof that anything is possible. :-)
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          • Profile picture of the author Kay King
            Divorce is rough. It's a tough time even if the change is what you want - because it's an admission you failed. It's traumatic and emotional - and you can get past it. Takes time.

            Helping others is good - but not as a crutch to avoid facing your own problems. You need to focus on YOU for just a while. During a divorce your ex doesn't understand you - or may not want to understand.

            Having been there - done that - I strongly suggest you try to keep interactions with your ex as smooth and undramatic as possible. Focus on what your sons need and try to find a level plain where you and the ex both parent those boys. It's hard - really hard - to keep the drama out and the emotions at bay...but it will pay OFF big time later and as those sons grow up.

            What you need to understand is others have been through what you are IN right now. You love to help others - but right now you need to help yourself. Find ways to make money to fix your car or pay for public transportation or move closer to your sons so you don't have to drive.

            Being a good person doesn't guarantee you won't have tough times here and there. Focus on YOU right now - lick your wounds and then make a plan to climb out of the pothole and start controlling your own life again. It's not easy - but you can do it. Find your determination and your strength and you'll get through it. It will be up and down from day to day - but gradually you'll find your center and it's up from there. Take care of YOU.

            kay
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          • Profile picture of the author Tom B
            Banned
            Originally Posted by BigFrank View Post

            There is nothing selfish about concentrating on focusing your efforts inward and devoting as much time and energy as may be necessary to find a new way to face your problems.

            )
            Exactly Frank. I would take it even a step further and say he owes it to his kids to take care of himself. A happier Bill will make for a better family overall.

            Bill, I went through a divorce and I know it sucks big time. Money stuff, yeah, been through it all. A lot of people have been through what you're going through and it gets better with some time. I would put the charity stuff on the back burner and get your stuff in order.

            After that, you will be able to teach your kids how to face life's obstacles and become a better person because of it.
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          • Profile picture of the author sbucciarel
            Banned
            Originally Posted by BigFrank View Post

            P.S. I have not become a paragon of mental health by not practicing what I preach. If you work very hard at it, one day you might become as psychologically well-adjusted as I am. I'm living proof that anything is possible. :-)
            Where is the cough and sputter button when you need it?
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            • Profile picture of the author BigFrank
              Banned
              Originally Posted by sbucciarel View Post

              Where is the cough and sputter button when you need it?
              Pipe, down. You're just jealous that I'm the Zen master. :-) I have told you more than once that I do private coaching and from what I have seen, you're a prime candidate for what I have to offer.

              Some people. Sheesh!

              Cheers. - Frank
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              • Profile picture of the author Karen Blundell
                Bill, I'm cheering you on. I know that good things will come to you - and will continue to - because you are kind and generous - but be kind to yourself too - in fact, put yourself first, for once in your life just because you really do deserve it.
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    • Profile picture of the author RichBeck
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      No, this feeling does not happen often to me. It's just that I'm going through a divorce, I'm not making very much money right now, my car broke down the other day but I've tried to remain positive. I've been actively helping others with random acts of kindness, although I'm probably the one who needs help..lol.
      I'd highly recommend checking out the Divorce Busting forum whether or not you have a desire "save" your marriage. The people there are very supportive and helpful.
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    • Profile picture of the author lcombs
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      No, this feeling does not happen often to me. It's just that I'm going through a divorce, I'm not making very much money right now, my car broke down the other day but I've tried to remain positive. I've been actively helping others with random acts of kindness, although I'm probably the one who needs help..lol.

      Last night, I guess things were kind of getting to me. I had a little break down. I'm not seeing my two son as much as I want to because of my car. My ex wife doesn't quite understand anything so it's hard to communicate with her. I just began to feel extremely bad.
      I've been through too many such times to list.

      I've lived about 6 or more different lives.
      The longest I've ever worked at the same job is 10 years.
      I'm now retired.
      Living about a mile from the beach on the Gulf coast.
      Life is good.

      Let me just say, as long as you keep put one foot in front of the other, things will work out.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    I know I'll be fine...I've just gotta figure a few things out. I've been back at home with my parents. I love them but this is not the place for me. I thank God for them because if it weren't for them, I don't know where I'd be right now.
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    • Profile picture of the author MikeAmbrosio
      Originally Posted by Richard Van View Post

      Like Mike said, several years back I too came out of a long term relationship where I wound up giving my ex everything and I walked out with what I was wearing. For a while I didn't have anywhere to live and I can assure you that was the lowest place I've ever been.

      I'll tell you this though, when I was at a friends having a shower after he found me wandering around one day I realised that even though at that point I felt I had nothing, I did in fact have a friend that was concerned and who was prepared to put me up until I found my feet. I also realised I was alive and well (ish) in a nice country to be in. I became grateful for what little I had. You at least have the want to help others and that's a lovely quality to have.

      Your life might well be crashing around you now, it may even get worse before it gets better but you have to try and be strong for your kids sakes. You can't let this affect you so they don't see the Dad they love and you have lots of people here who are very happy to help out, chat and listen if you need it.

      Hell, I'm away this weekend but when I'm back I'll happily get on Skype and have a few beers with you from across the pond. And...and...and.....You're in Ohio so not far from Riffle and Claude, and if two people could cheer you up on this forum you're lucky enough to live near the two mad hatters themselves.
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      I know I'll be fine...I've just gotta figure a few things out. I've been back at home with my parents. I love them but this is not the place for me. I thank God for them because if it weren't for them, I don't know where I'd be right now.
      I was blessed with having a supportive family. I stayed with my mother on her couch, my brother on his couch, my sister in her spare room and also many nights in my car. At times I woke up on one friends couch or another. I did this for about 2 years until I finally put away enough for a studio apartment.

      But during all that, I always knew I had my boys and they kept me moving forward. I walked away from my ex with my clothes and a stereo (which I sold) and nothing else. We sold the house and I gave her everything in it. I lived on my credit cards for a few years until they were either maxed out or canceled. I had collectors calling me day in and day out, calling me a deadbeat, etc. In fact, I was on the cusp of filing for bankruptcy but I couldn't because my lawyer needed about a thousand in CASH before he would file. I didn't have it.

      I spent about 3 years on self improvement and my sons before I started seriously dating again. For me, it was great. I also focused on my job and became very good at it to the point the company I worked for would get referred because of the work I did for other customers.

      Then the internet happened. Again, took me a while but it helped me dig out of debt, introduced me to some GREAT people, brought me to this forum (back in 2000) and the rest is history.

      You sound like you have your head together. Just stay focused and you'll be fine. Never give up. Ask for help when you need it.

      This too shall pass.
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  • Profile picture of the author HeySal
    Well, Bill - under the circumstances, you'd have to be made of stone not to feel a little sick about it at this point. You're safe anyway. It sucks to be living with your parents, but at least you have solid ground under your feet and will be able to re-establish yourself - and that's the important thing right now. The emotional crunch of the split will knock you off kilter in a few ways you won't really see until later.

    The important thing right now, though, is that you at least have reasons for feeling like you do, you're safe in a stable environment, and as soon as some of the shock you're in right now starts wearing off you'll be able to shake it off and move on.

    Just consider this your initiation into the "been there, done that" club. That's the club all of us kewl kids belong to. Welcome aboard.
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  • Profile picture of the author elusian
    Try this. It has been working like a charm for me. Start every morning mentally saying thank you. Continue throughout the day and end your day with it at night. You do not have to give thanks for anything in particular. Just think the words.

    And here is the thing that will sound bizarre but do anyway - say thank you when even the worst stuff happens or comes up. I know that your mind will start chattering with all that is wrong. Cut it off immediately and start giving thanks.

    I started this experiment a few weeks ago when I was feeling hopeless and within a few days things started to come around. I started getting unexpected checks in the mail, new clients started contacting me without any marketing, and people just started giving me things out of nowhere. I feel energized and happy.

    Let me be clear - this is the only thing different that I have done and it has made a huge difference.
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    • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
      Originally Posted by elusian View Post

      Try this. It has been working like a charm for me. Start every morning mentally saying thank you. Continue throughout the day and end your day with it at night. You do not have to give thanks for anything in particular. Just think the words.

      And here is the thing that will sound bizarre but do anyway - say thank you when even the worst stuff happens or comes up. I know that your mind will start chattering with all that is wrong. Cut it off immediately and start giving thanks.

      I started this experiment a few weeks ago when I was feeling hopeless and within a few days things started to come around. I started getting unexpected checks in the mail, new clients started contacting me without any marketing, and people just started giving me things out of nowhere. I feel energized and happy.

      Let me be clear - this is the only thing different that I have done and it has made a huge difference.
      There's a book by Joe Vitale called Zero Limits that is like that. I believe it's an ancient Hawaiian practice called Hoʻoponopono or at least it's a part of it.

      I read the book sometime ago and the idea in there was to say thank you for everything. In fact if I remember correctly you had to say "Thank you I love you please forgive me and something else". I was fine until I'd had a beer and I normally said something like "Please forgive me, I love you, buy me beer".
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    Thank you all. I don't know if I can give up the charity stuff and helping others. Along with my kids, this is one of the few things that make me smile.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      You don't ever have to give up helping others. But spending time trying to get donations to give money away....when you have real problems to confront and solve....is an escape and you need to recognize that.

      You have to set priorities - you can help other people more effectively if you first put yourself in a good and secure place. Right now top priority is your sons - and that means getting their father to a better and more secure place in life.
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      • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        You don't ever have to give up helping others. But spending time trying to get donations to give money away....when you have real problems to confront and solve....is an escape and you need to recognize that.

        You have to set priorities - you can help other people more effectively if you first put yourself in a good and secure place. Right now top priority is your sons - and that means getting their father to a better and more secure place in life.
        You're right, I agree
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      • Profile picture of the author Tom B
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        You don't ever have to give up helping others. But spending time trying to get donations to give money away....when you have real problems to confront and solve....is an escape and you need to recognize that.

        You have to set priorities - you can help other people more effectively if you first put yourself in a good and secure place. Right now top priority is your sons - and that means getting their father to a better and more secure place in life.
        Ice cream makes me happy. That doesn't mean I should be eating ice cream every day or for every meal. I need to take into account my health. Sometimes we just need to be adults and do what is required to be done regardless if we are happy about it or not.
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        • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
          Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

          Yeah, right now, it just seems like my world is crashing. My passion is helping others. I love to give to those who are unfortunate...sadly, I'm not very skilled in many other areas.
          Now, right now, is a great time to develop your skills and learn new skills. This will help you now by taking your mind off of the issues that depress you for an hour or a few hours each day or week. More time spent on a positive activity means less time spent lamenting the negative. That alone can have an important and beneficial impact on your life.

          That will not only help you now, but it will also help you for the rest of your life because your skill set will be improved. With an improved skill set you not only help yourself, but you can help others more and at the same time deliver several valuable lessons to your sons through the power of example.


          Originally Posted by Richard Van View Post

          I became grateful for what little I had.
          This is important. We find what we look for in life. If we look for what is wrong we'll find it. If we look for what is good we'll find that. Look for the good things, it keeps you from dwelling on the bad things.

          I know, it's easier said than done sometimes. It is, but then again it isn't. You just have to do it. You may not feel more gratitude than sorrow at the moment, but just going through the motions hitches your mind's eye to the goal, and that will help pull you through the muck.


          Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

          Thank you all. I don't know if I can give up the charity stuff and helping others. Along with my kids, this is one of the few things that make me smile.
          The good news is that you don't have to give up charity stuff, but you can make adjustments to how and what you give. There are lots of ways to help others. Monetary donations are just one of them, and that's not always the best option.

          Look for ways to donate your time instead. Call your local chamber of commerce or United Way and ask about volunteer opportunities. They can point you to the greatest needs in your area that are a fit with your personality, skills, and finances.

          One thing that has helped me through tough times is something my sister told me helped her get through some poor health issues that almost took her life. She'd tell herself:

          This too, shall pass.
          It really does help to remind ourselves that when we're going through something, there is a point where we get past it and emerge on the other side. And when we do, we're often stronger, smarter, and more clear on what we want.
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          • Profile picture of the author TimPhelan
            I can also relate Bill. I went through a divorce and it was an extremely tough time for me. I've told the story here before a couple times but will again to perhaps help you understand what others go through also.

            My ex had a bad bipolar period around 1997- 98, which suprised the hell out of me since it never appeared in 20 plus years together. If you ever saw Silver Linings Playbook you can see how stress and certain life events can bring about a bipolar episode in a person who never really showed symptoms before. Well, we had been in the process for over a year of adopting three children because my ex couldn't have kids. The added stress was too much for her and she started withdrawing from life, neglecting the kids and cheating on me. I held onto hope that she would snap out of it because she had always been a great wife.

            So, 5 weeks after we finally legally adopted the three, who were 3, 7 and 9 year old siblings, she left me for a loser boyfriend. I was all of a sudden a single dad because she left me with all three kids. The kids had their own emotional problems because they were abused and neglected. I took them to counseling weekly for years. Like I said, it was a hard time. Lol. I did get through it though and so will you.

            One thing that helped me was consistantly going to the gym and getting physically fit. The relief I got from working out was instantaneous and helped a great deal in getting through that time. If you can't afford a gym there are many ways to exercise that are free or inexpensive. Challenge yourself physically and decide to get in the best shape of your life. Your mental and emotional well being will be positively affected also.

            Focus on your kids and as Mike said, self improvement. Like Sal said, going outdoors and getting in touch with nature is also something that nourishes your soul.

            By the way, I'm now good friends with my ex. Make sure you forgive your ex wife and yourself for whatever it was that caused the divorce.
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            • Profile picture of the author Richard Van
              Originally Posted by TimPhelan View Post

              By the way, I'm now good friends with my ex. Make sure you forgive your ex wife and yourself for whatever it was that caused the divorce.
              That might well be the key in many a case to solving the entire issue. Forgive them if they hurt you and forgive yourself if you hurt yourself and others.

              Then get up and move onwards.

              You can do it Bill. Enjoy the time with your folks too. May not feel right but I bet they like having their little boy there again even if they don't say it. I moved home to my folks for a while too as I got on my feet and one thing I thought was this was probably the last time I'll live with them. Those few months, as I was maturer (in age anyway) were some of the best times I've had. Enjoy the moment where you can. There's always something to be grateful for.
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            • Profile picture of the author MikeAmbrosio
              Originally Posted by TimPhelan View Post

              I can also relate Bill. I went through a divorce and it was an extremely tough time for me. I've told the story here before a couple times but will again to perhaps help you understand what others go through also.

              My ex had a bad bipolar period around 1997- 98, which suprised the hell out of me since it never appeared in 20 plus years together. If you ever saw Silver Linings Playbook you can see how stress and certain life events can bring about a bipolar episode in a person who never really showed symptoms before. Well, we had been in the process for over a year of adopting three children because my ex couldn't have kids. The added stress was too much for her and she started withdrawing from life, neglecting the kids and cheating on me. I held onto hope that she would snap out of it because she had always been a great wife.

              So, 5 weeks after we finally legally adopted the three, who were 3, 7 and 9 year old siblings, she left me for a loser boyfriend. I was all of a sudden a single dad because she left me with all three kids. The kids had their own emotional problems because they were abused and neglected. I took them to counseling weekly for years. Like I said, it was a hard time. Lol. I did get through it though and so will you.

              One thing that helped me was consistantly going to the gym and getting physically fit. The relief I got from working out was instantaneous and helped a great deal in getting through that time. If you can't afford a gym there are many ways to exercise that are free or inexpensive. Challenge yourself physically and decide to get in the best shape of your life. Your mental and emotional well being will be positively affected also.

              Focus on your kids and as Mike said, self improvement. Like Sal said, going outdoors and getting in touch with nature is also something that nourishes your soul.

              By the way, I'm now good friends with my ex. Make sure you forgive your ex wife and yourself for whatever it was that caused the divorce.
              Some good points here Tim. Getting fit helped me as well and now at 50 I am in better shape than I was at 30

              While I wouldn't call my ex and I good friends, we HAVE since gotten past the crap (she cheated on me as well). We'll always be at LEAST cordial because we have 2 kids. One day we'll have grand kids so we're not finished sharing events, etc. Forgiveness was key to get to this point. I harbored resentment for a couple of years and all it did was give me chest pains from burying all this resentment (another thing discovered by my therapist )

              Finally, use this as a learning experience. It's been said many times that you learn most from failure. It was hard, but I had to look at myself very closely to see where I needed improvement. I found quite a bit, much to my surprise. But I'm glad because I am a MUCH better husband the second time around
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            • Profile picture of the author HeySal
              Originally Posted by TimPhelan View Post

              I can also relate Bill. I went through a divorce and it was an extremely tough time for me. I've told the story here before a couple times but will again to perhaps help you understand what others go through also.

              My ex had a bad bipolar period around 1997- 98, which suprised the hell out of me since it never appeared in 20 plus years together. If you ever saw Silver Linings Playbook you can see how stress and certain life events can bring about a bipolar episode in a person who never really showed symptoms before. Well, we had been in the process for over a year of adopting three children because my ex couldn't have kids. The added stress was too much for her and she started withdrawing from life, neglecting the kids and cheating on me. I held onto hope that she would snap out of it because she had always been a great wife.

              So, 5 weeks after we finally legally adopted the three, who were 3, 7 and 9 year old siblings, she left me for a loser boyfriend. I was all of a sudden a single dad because she left me with all three kids. The kids had their own emotional problems because they were abused and neglected. I took them to counseling weekly for years. Like I said, it was a hard time. Lol. I did get through it though and so will you.

              One thing that helped me was consistantly going to the gym and getting physically fit. The relief I got from working out was instantaneous and helped a great deal in getting through that time. If you can't afford a gym there are many ways to exercise that are free or inexpensive. Challenge yourself physically and decide to get in the best shape of your life. Your mental and emotional well being will be positively affected also.

              Focus on your kids and as Mike said, self improvement. Like Sal said, going outdoors and getting in touch with nature is also something that nourishes your soul.

              By the way, I'm now good friends with my ex. Make sure you forgive your ex wife and yourself for whatever it was that caused the divorce.
              Wow - being traumatized by a woman is how you stay so buff into your geezer years? Hmmm. I should be able to do that for a nice intelligent guy that needs a little shaping up, ya'd think.
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  • Profile picture of the author marketingva
    Bill,

    I've been where you are at. This is what I learned. If you don't take care of yourself and your needs you can't take care of anyone else. If you are depressed and depleted you will have nothing left to give others.

    You are spending time trying to help others when you need to help yourself first. I've read all your posts and I think your first priority is to get a job or freelance work so you can get your car fixed. You need to spend time with your boys... that alone would go a long way to improve your mood. They need to see you as much as you can manage so getting your car fixed should be a priority.

    Bonnie
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrician
    I just want to say what dear people you all are for really jumping in and trying to help here - I bet that it will help Bill just to know somebody cared enough to TRY to say something that will make a difference and turn the tide. ... not that I haven't seen aspects of the 'warrior spirit' here before.

    I third or fourth the suggestion to get some fresh air and exercise - even just a slow casual walk will always elevate my mood - there is just something not only about the physical aspects of this but it also gives me a small sense of accomplishment that keeps getting stronger the more I do it. (... and believe me I know the darkness too well, it seems it has always been with me)

    There is also so much to be said about how forgiveness works to cleanse us - no matter how hard it is or how much somebody may not deserve to be forgiven, it is magical in the way that it releases the poison from our system and makes us FREE! Don't forget to forgive yourself most of all.

    Self-talk really comes into play as your mind will try to keep slipping back to all that ails you; just battle it out by thinking of things that are positive to replace the bad thoughts - things you have accomplished - victories - even just visualize things you like - for example the sound or smell of the ocean, (take a deep breath), chocolate chip cookies, the way your kids look at you, whatever makes you feel good -- always replace the negative thoughts with something pleasant. Sometimes you have to INSIST.

    God bless you.
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    • Profile picture of the author discrat
      Yeah I agree. I know we all like to come to OT Forum and F*** around and blow off steam but it is refreshing to see so many people that care and take time to give some solid and encouraging words.

      Bill, you are definitely not alone in your troubles. It is amazing how everyday I wake up and illnesses I have battled are still there.....but through perseverance and spirit I am able to keep on keeping on.

      None of us get outta of here unscathed.

      The way I look at it is when the 'dark' clouds come in ( and they will for everyone sooner or later) it makes it that much sweeter when the Light reappears.

      And I promise it will for you
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    Yeah I'm enjoying my time with my parents but it's nothing like having a place of your own. I think my Mom loves the idea of me being here..and yes, they do believe they have their "little" boy back..lol. Sometimes it feels good to see them feeling like parents again..being able to help out.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    Is there a limit on how many thanks I can give per day? You guys have been amazing and my thanks button has disappeared.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      Is there a limit on how many thanks I can give per day? You guys have been amazing and my thanks button has disappeared.
      Yep...it's not per day I don't think, but you get X amount in any 24 hour period. If I'm not mistaken, as the hours tick by you'll get some back, rather than all of them at once. I think the number is 20 but I'm not sure where I'm getting that number from.
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    • Profile picture of the author positivenegative
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      Is there a limit on how many thanks I can give per day? You guys have been amazing and my thanks button has disappeared.
      The best thanks you could give ANYONE on here is to look after yourself, weather the tempest, and come out the other side a better man for the experience.

      Almost everyone has been through some major trauma in their lives, some more than once. A sign of strength is willpower and determination and you should use these two mighty weapons to pull yourself through it.

      My children give me the strength. They are God's gift to me and no-one can take their love away from me. I wouldn't be much of a dad or human being if I let them down by being weak, and letting life's problems destroy me.

      If no-one else, your folks and children love you. Remember that every minute of every day and use it as your catalyst for personal recovery.

      Something will give. You'll see.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    Hey guys,

    Someone here took it upon themselves to anonymously send me $150 to help get my car fixed. Whoever you are, you don't know what that means to me. I'm smiling from ear to ear. I can't express how much that was needed.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      Bill -

      Your attitude makes people want to help you. Every now and then I see someone posting here and think "that is someone I'd enjoy knowing in real life"...you're one of those!

      kay
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      • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
        Originally Posted by Kay King View Post

        Bill -

        Your attitude makes people want to help you. Every now and then I see someone posting here and think "that is someone I'd enjoy knowing in real life"...you're one of those!

        kay
        Wow! Kind words. I don't know what to say. I try to give good vibes to everyone I encounter. I think most people recognize my spirit. I've been told by a few people who knew absolutely nothing about me....but some people take advantage of me.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    Got my "thanks" button back!

    I'm gonna try to put myself first but truthfully, it's hard when you've tried to help others your whole life.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kay King
      Do it this way:

      Think of it as taking a break just for a while. Give yourself 6 months to pull things together. Know that 7 months from now you can be helping others again and until you can give materially - you can smile, lend a hand where you can and touch others with your spirit. Giving doesn't have to be money or stuff - you know that.
      Signature
      Saving one dog will not change the world - but the world changes forever for that one dog
      ***
      One secret to happiness is to let every situation be
      what it is instead of what you think it should be.
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    • Profile picture of the author ThomM
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      Got my "thanks" button back!

      I'm gonna try to put myself first but truthfully, it's hard when you've tried to help others your whole life.
      If you don't put yourself first, you won't be able to help others.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Singletary
    Bill, everyone here has brought up some good and helpful points.

    My small contribution would be to remember what they teach you when you get on an airplane. In the case of emergency, you put the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST and THEN help others including children.

    Without putting it on yourself first, you may have no chance to help others. Yes the delay may hurt someone else's chances but you may be their ONLY chance to survive - IF you are okay because your mask is in place.

    I believe and practice charitable giving of time and means weekly. I believe it's important for a full and balanced and happy life. But right now focus more on you so you can help them MORE once you get things going a little better in your own life.

    Hang in there. There is hope - I am living proof just like others here that have hit their own bottom before bouncing back.

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    Your kids don't need things from you, they just need you around.
    80 years from now, who will really miss you? Who do you want that to be?

    Why the hell don't you take a paid position with your favorite non-profit(s)?
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  • Profile picture of the author Jacqueline Smith
    What a refreshing thread to read! In this crazy world it is so nice to see such genuine support for someone.

    Bill....I'm truly sorry life is challenging you so much right now. I really have nothing to add to what others have written other than to reinforce you are not alone through all of this. We may all be spread out across the world but you have many people thinking about you right now and sending you lots of positive vibes.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
    Banned
    Hi Bill,

    I've been in similar situations (feeling down/depressed). Something to remember that may be helpful is:

    "This too shall pass."

    I've been suicidal several times in my life however today my life is amazing. I never would have thought at the time that things would turn out this great for me ...
    (In fact through all my suffering I've actually evolved into a better person.)

    Stay strong.

    HTH. : )

    P.S.
    PM me if you want to chat.
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    "Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    Eventually, I believe this will make me into a better person. A much wiser man. I went through a lot of abuse in my marriage because I tried to honor that marriage and be respectful to my wife. I've probably been through more things than the average man would allow.

    I'm thankful for those times now, because I know what to look for next time.
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    • Profile picture of the author MikeAmbrosio
      Originally Posted by Bill_Lawrence View Post

      Eventually, I believe this will make me into a better person. A much wiser man. I went through a lot of abuse in my marriage because I tried to honor that marriage and be respectful to my wife. I've probably been through more things than the average man would allow.

      I'm thankful for those times now, because I know what to look for next time.
      Huh - another thing we have in common.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    Yeah that was a pretty horrible experience. I'm thankful for my boys but I made a mistake on that marriage.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill_Lawrence
    Hey, I couldn't help myself today. I made a promise to my son. I want to share this with you guys.
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