Summoning the COPY GODS. Frappucino for your thoughts. Tell me WHY this sales letter sucks.

The headline's the most important part, and it's hard to understand, worded oddly, and just generally bad. It doesn't quickly convey a huge benefit, nor does it offer any kind of decent "hook". Hope that helps.

Also, I don't drink coffee... thanks though.

I agree with @Cam Connor - you should change the headline and make it easier to read and more eye-catching. List the benefit(s) people will get from reading the letter and finally purchasing the product.

Your entire letter should list more the benefits the clients will get and less the features of the product. There's nothing there that really draws my attention. You should appeal to the emotional side of the customers and be as helpful as you can. Don't try to sell them something, try to offer them a solution to their problems.

I hope this helps.

Best,
Typing Pandas

Americans tend to spell that as "Favorite." No tacked-on u in there.

Why?

Bullets need some work. Example: You jumped from saying "Now includes:" to "We'll do X, which will give you Y".


Disclaimer: I am not a god, demi-god, or other celestial being of copy.

I can see you're trying. However this project turns out for you, I wish you luck and success.

The biggest thing you should know is you can't tweak this letter into something that'll convert. This is a rewrite. You'll understand why in a moment.

Here's a quick review of the first part:

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It’s a Shame For you not to Lower your Blood Pressure, When People Are Doing it so Easily With America’s Favourite Pharmacist

* You lead with shaming people into buying the product? The reader will run away
* The capitalization is all weird
* "People" is too broad--narrow your market to a specific target group
* "Favourite" is British spelling
* Yes, you're trying to generate curiosity, but it's weak
* This headline is at odds with a pharmacist (people who prescribe medication) and natural remedy advice being sold. Incongruent. It doesn't make sense and you don't clarify
* In the US, a doctor is usually not a pharmacist (By the way, later on, you never credentialize the pharmacist or why he's considered the favourite in America)

See Why It’s the “Greatest Gold-Mine of “High Blood Pressure” Advice Ever Crammed Into One Product…”

* Few want to buy advice or a product
* "Greatest Gold-Mine" is misspelled, unusual. Now we're comparing goldmines?
* Instead of "See Why", try "Discover"

Here’s your Chance To Turn The Tables…

* Turn the tables on what? On who? For what reason? Makes no sense, because this phrase is usually used in situations where revenge is the emotion you want to amplify

Because You’ll Lower your Blood Pressure Now.

* Capitalization is weird
* Periods are generally a bad idea in headlines and subheads
* The "Because" is out of place, like you're inserting it
* You're assuming the reader appreciates they must lower their blood pressure

Pssst...Now Including Side Effects You Won't Be Able To Get Enough Of

* This is weird--why is it a benefit to give me side effects that I won't be able to get rid of as part of the product? Am I really going to get things like gout, diabetes and develop impotence reading your guide?
* Uh? Why are you whispering?

WARNING: Side effects of Dr. Mindell’s program include energy, weight loss and mental clarity.

* Cute but premature
* Drop the period

We're excited to finally write this letter to you. For over forty years, Dr. Mindell has wanted to do this. He's wanted to get these powerful solutions into a format where he could help as many people get their hands on them as possible. And, he’s finally done it.

* Why is Dr. Mindell talking about himself in the third person?
* For a first paragraph, three sentences is too long
* Why do I care about Dr. Mindell and what he wants?

The American Heart Association put blood pressure related costs at around $50.1 billion in 2009….

* Statistics are useful to support an emotion. What emotion are you trying to support?
* Ambiguous: "costs". Not my costs that's for sure

But I’ve got a little secret, That may solve a 50 Billion dollar Problem!

* Here you switch tense to first person
* Capitalization is weird
* Who cares if you have a secret? I have secrets too. Regardless, your secret is not believable at this point
* Few care about a secret which doesn't affect them, so the point is moot

Americans spend thousands of dollars each year on blood pressure medication and programs. What's worse? Few are getting any results! If you’re reading this, you could be one of those people. So if you are…

* "If you’re reading this, you could be one of those people." If I'm reading this, I AM one of those people. ASSUME they are. Be bold(er)

I want you to go to your cheque book, your wallet, your latest pharmacy receipt. Add up how much you’ve spent on blood pressure medication or hospital visits in the last, say, 30 days.

* You're leading with the cost of medication? Is that your strongest emotional hook? I'd scare the crap out of people. THEY'RE GOING TO DIE BEFORE THEY'RE DONE READING THIS LETTER, if they don't press the buy button now!
* You've spent way too many words on costs. I need an emotional fix.
* "Cheque" -- British

Write that number down. Keep it close by. This is very important. I’ll tell you why later…

* I appreciate the engagement. But what I'd do amp it up. "Later" sounds too far away. Try "In a moment" or "In a second".
* But again, remember the idea is you want to amp up emotion. What emotion are we working with at this point?

We stress this, because, in 7 days from now… you could be well on your way to lower blood pressure, amazing weight loss and boundless energy. Peer through this window we’re cleaning for you, and look at your new life. Wouldn’t your friends and family be totally blown away? Wouldn’t you feel just, happy, like a Frank Sinatra song?!

* Why 7 days? Why not within a few hours from now?
* I like the three benefits
* Frank Sinatra? Who is he? Didn't he sing a song about the end being near and taking "a final bow?" Yikes

Hold onto those emotions, and don’t write it off as impossibility. Bask in that happiness, and know there’s much more where that came from.

* What emotions? Shame? Boredom? Apathy? Happiness?--extremely doubtful

I know that there are a series of trusted, natural and proven steps to lowering blood pressure. Steps that will deliver these results to almost anyone carrying the weight of high blood pressure.

* Who cares what you know?

----

I hope these comments are enough to realize this letter is not fixable.

I can see your challenges:

You don't know how to write to someone's emotions
You don't have a strong enough hook or premise
You lack an understanding the dynamics of what persuades people to buy
You don't know the value of building someone's authority or how to make them credible
You lack knowledge of grammar

But what you really lack? Experience.

Remedied pretty quickly.

Before you take your next whack at this, go hunt down a few of Bencivenga's or Halbert's info-product offers and write them out a few times. Watch a day's worth of high-converting VSLs.

As you're doing this? Keep notes. Be the prospect.

What emotions is the copywriter focusing on and trying to amplify? At what point are they trying to evoke those emotions?

What mechanics are they using to do that? Story? Bullets? Proof?

How can they do a better job?

I hope this helps.

- Rick Duris

PS: Why did I do this? I couldn't sleep.

PPS: I doubt your copy will work as an upsell. It doesn't complement the frontend product. It's not essential to the complete solution.

Do you think Rick deserves his Starbucks voucher?

All I can add is you may or may not know but your Headline is "swiped" from…

"How To Write A Good Advertisement" - Victor Schwab.

If you haven't read the book grab it from Amazon - it really is a classic and does exactly what it says on the title.

If you have read it - maybe read it again and apply all the principles.


Steve

Please, allow me to be the ahole here, ok?

Any valid critique of copy has to include the target market, WHO is this promotion for? HOW will they come across it?

For people with High Blood Pressure?...NO!

Probably 90% will accept their Doctor's pills, a REAL doctor not some "quack" with a Ph.D. from a diploma mill, an unaccredited place.

Mindell has been around forever and touts vitamins, supplements and silly juices which will cure whatever ails you.

OK, my personal opinion of this snake oil huckster aside, he's a cult leader...

The TARGET market are his believers...the cult of vitamins and supplements.

Therefore, you have to address those folks right up front, using one of the standard SCARE tactic of the magalogs which peddle the cures against Big Pharm and are anti-gov't...not bad things, at all, to be against.

Famous headline: DEAD DOCTORS DON'T LIE

captured attention and pulled the reader in. It was a succesful promotion from a fellow quack, Joe Wallach. You might want to watch the video or search for Wallach's promotion. This is your target market and the way to sell to it is by tapping into their already cultivated beliefs that doctors are the puppets of Big Pharm (which may have some truth to it).

So, now you know the REAL market, and now you can begin to write addressing it. It is a huge market, and a Billion dollar market.

What 12 second headline will you create? It depends on WHERE this promotion is going to be seen, how is the traffic generated?

IF, you get a good targeted response, it will be from (mostly seniors) people with high blood pressure with an already skewed view of doctors and prescription drugs, and best if they already buy vitamins and supplements.

Also, it is HBP not HPB if targeting USA.
*************************
At 60, he had a 200/190 death-bed high blood pressure, today at 69 he has the BP of a 20 year old athlete. How? He got off of prescription drugs and used a natural, safe and effective way to lower his BP.

Don't let prescription drugs keep you on the early death path. Go natural and live longer.
**********************
See? You'll need this kind of a promotion, selling to the chorus, those believers of these kinds of patent meds, and help them throw stones at big pharm, doctors, FDA...and the promotion will be much easier to write.

I agree, you need to start over.

gjabiz