7 replies
Hi Warriors,

First let me say a huge thanks for taking the time to read and open this post. I've spent the better part of the last 2 months learning all I can about copywriting. I've been reading books, this forum and even utilizing some of the free resources on the internet. Those free resources do provide a lot of info. The kicker is they hold back. What are they holding back? The most important points so you'll buy their products! If I had the money I would've bought a few. That point didn't go unnoticed on me either.

I'm learning copy because I invented a new product. I don't have the money to hire someone so I'm going full DIY copy. My product isn't ready but I wanted to start writing now, while I'm learning.

Anyway.

So I decided to start on my jetski's, which I just want to sell on craigslist. I'm copying the title and content here for you to review . Please provide me feedback if you're willing.

Again thanks for taking your time to review and provide feedback. Read it now and hit me with all my mistakes.

Now the ad:


Local wife angry, forces husband to get rid of 2 jet ski's and trailer

If you want to own 2 jet skis and a double trailer for a lot less than you'd pay at a dealer, then this is what you're looking for.

My name is Daniel and I live in Clermont, FL. I've got 2 older jet ski's and a double trailer. Both run; I want to sell fast at a great deal to someone.

Why am I offering such a great deal? The reasons are simple. First, I hate dealerships and their jacked up prices. I took my skis up to the dealership and the guys up there said stuff to me that was an insult to my intelligence. That's why I'd rather sell it cheaper to a regular person than hassle and bargain with some guy who cheats people for a living. Second: my wife just doesn't want skis.

Here are the important facts about my skis:
1. My wife hates the skis and they have to go!
2. Both skis run and are ready to go have some fun.
3. One ski is a 99 SeaDoo GTi with 85 horsepower, almost as much as a low powered car! Did you know a 2016 Fiat has only 101 horsepower? The other is a 93 Yamaha Waverunner 3, it's very fast and has 50 horsepower. The Yamaha has some "mods" according to the last owner but since I don't know what that means, I'm just passing on what he said. I do know it has an aftermarket exhaust that seems to make it go very fast -- almost as fast as the larger ski.
4. Both are 2 stroke engines with 2 cylinders with automatic oil injectors. This keeps it easy because you don't have to worry about mixing gas and oil, just pump gas into the ski, just like your car and head out for some fun.
5. I use fully synthetic oil so the engine will last much longer and is trouble-free, at least as much as possible. I will say, it's an engine and at some point you're going to have a problem. It just won't be when I sell this to you.
6. They are both fully depreciated so you won't loose money on them even if you only have them a short time like I have.
7. I traded for the skis and have the titles in hand that have never been transferred. This means you can title them as a trade and save on the taxes!
8. Both skis have a fiberglass hull so they won't rust.
9. Both skis hold 3 people each; though I wouldn't put more than 2 on the Yamaha.
10. In Florida you aren't required to carry insurance on your skis -- it's a good idea but if you want to save more money you can avoid insurance. It's the same with motorcycles: insurance is optional.
11. I looked up the NADA values: they are ridiculously high! The SeaDoo has a suggested price of $6,499 and the Yamaha has a suggested price of $5,799. Who in their right mind would pay that! I'm not asking anywhere near that -- again, I'm not a dealership trying to rip you off. I'm a guy trying to make his wife happy and give someone a great deal in the process.
12. On craigslist and other sites, the price for the same SeaDoo was $2,400 and there wasn't a Waverunner. Why no Waverunners? I think it's because they run forever and people just don't get rid of them often. I don't expect you to pay that for either ski.
13. The double trailer is in good shape, has 2 wheels and easily carries and stores both skis, covered. Covers? What are those? Brand new canvas pieces that go over the entire skis I just purchased. . ... they come with the package. Of course if you have a garage you can store both inside for that extra bit of protection. The double trailer is currently selling on Craigslist for between $350 and $1000 for a very similar trailer.
14. The trailer has a storage box on front for things you'll need when you go skiing, like life preservers. Speaking of those: I purchased 3 brand new ones and have a 4 that came with the skis.

If you're interested, please email me. I'm open to offers but make them at least close to what I'm asking. It's a great deal and this will make my wife happy and I'll be out of the doghouse.

So did you do the math? Of course you did! Adding all the lowest prices from anywhere you can find it. I'm sure you want to see what the value should be at the bottom end so I'll just make it simple: trailer - $350, SeaDoo $1600, Yamaha $800

Totalling them: 350 + 1600 + 800 = $2,700. I'm sure by now you realize the price in the subject is $3,500. So just for you that actually read my ad: offer my $2,700 and I'll take it. I may even take a bit less but until you offer, you won't know.

I don't expect this deal to last long..... shoot me an email quickly so you can take advantage of this.

Sincerely, Daniel

P.S. - I'm going out of town on Thursday so if you want it for this weekend, you have until Wednesday and then I'll be taking this ad down.
#critique
  • Profile picture of the author RogozRazvan
    Copywriting wise - so and so. You've got a strong reason why and this puts you ahead of 90% of all Craiglist offers out there.

    Offer wise - I would buy one if I were in the US. I am not aware of the prices there but here in Europe, it would be a huge bargain. It would be such a bargain that I would expect to be something wrong with them (so extra proof there - that we'll test them first).

    If the prices are the same in the US, then you'll sell based on your offer alone and sometimes, this is enough. If I had a $100.000 Ferrari for $10.000 and it was legal and I was actually believable, I could have written this on toilet paper and still make the sale.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10303791].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author DrainPlug
      Thanks RogozRazvan for your feedback.

      From the "so and so" comment, can you elaborate more? What/how could I have been given a better grade than "so and so" for the copy?

      I've re-read your feedback a few times. I'm trying my best to get everything out of it I can. I keep sticking on the main point I wanted: you stated "I would buy one." That's what I'm really after so for me, that's a mental win.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10303821].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I find, having sold a few things on Craiglist, that it's best to write your
    ad like you are a motivated seller. Show WHY you must sell
    right away and give the value of what you are selling first
    before you present the price. I don't find the "your wife
    don't like them" a strong enough reason.

    A pretty strong motivation to sell is that you are moving
    or you are buying a new product, but somehow show how
    your "junk"is someone else's treasure.

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10303838].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author DrainPlug
    Got it. She's also angry.

    I see your points and thanks for the feedback. I struggled with the why I'm selling them a bit and I don't want to resort to lying. Moving or buying a new product would be a lie for me. I really just decided I don't really want them and thought this would be a good start with attempting to write copy.

    Even the wife being angry is a stretch. Because I really just got a sad look of shame from her when I brought them home. I think she also said something like "you don't expect me to ride those, right." She hasn't been on them and I don't think she's planning on riding them any time soon either.

    Again, I wanted to sell them and I want to practice copy. And viola, I wrote my first copy!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10303863].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author TjarkHartmann
      So the question is: Why don't you want them? Why doesn't your wife want them?

      Figure that out and change or delete the dealership angle.

      Oh, and make it clear that there is nothing wrong with the Jet Skis.

      Because right now, you leave too much for the reader to interpret... "My wife hates the skis and they have to go!". If you don't give a reason, they will make one up. Don't leave it to chance. Guide them.

      Originally Posted by DrainPlug View Post

      Got it. She's also angry.

      I see your points and thanks for the feedback. I struggled with the why I'm selling them a bit and I don't want to resort to lying. Moving or buying a new product would be a lie for me. I really just decided I don't really want them and thought this would be a good start with attempting to write copy.

      Even the wife being angry is a stretch. Because I really just got a sad look of shame from her when I brought them home. I think she also said something like "you don't expect me to ride those, right." She hasn't been on them and I don't think she's planning on riding them any time soon either.

      Again, I wanted to sell them and I want to practice copy. And viola, I wrote my first copy!
      Signature

      Tjark: Pronounced like "Jacques" in Jacques Cousteau.

      www.TjarkHartmann.com

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10304307].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author DrainPlug
    Thanks TjarkHartmann
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10305152].message }}
  • Yes, you need a good "reason why" without distorting the truth.

    And making it "real" to the reader.

    So, have a think, what do you need the money for?

    And simply say it in a compelling way.

    Chances are everyone can relate to it.


    Steve
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[10305412].message }}

Trending Topics