landing page critique pls

by JesseGilbert1 Banned
23 replies
Can you check this out?

I trimmed it down to bare essentials.

Brainstorm Pro Writing Software
#critique #landing #page #pls
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    1. You cannot guarantee bliss. Like, at all. There are too many different interpretations of bliss, and don't get me started on legal claims.

    2. Is happiness while writing really the biggest problem that writers need solved?

    Cutting the fluff is good, but there's got to be substance left when the fluff is gone. Promises of sunshine, rainbows, and bliss do not make a strong sales message.
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  • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
    Banned
    Pain and lack of creative ideas is the problem writers face.
    Knowing what to write that will sell.
    Brainstorm Pro is the magic pill that brings sunshine, rainbows, and bliss...

    I guaruntee.

    Ok. How about 'Guaranteed Increase In Revenue from Writing'

    P.S. There's plenty of substance.
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    • Profile picture of the author StingGB
      [QUOTE=JesseGilbert1;10651432]Pain and lack of creative ideas is the problem writers face.
      Knowing what to write that will sell.
      Brainstorm Pro is the magic pill that brings sunshine, rainbows, and bliss... I guaruntee.]


      Ok. No-one else is going to do it, so I will.

      As a published author with Little Brown Book Group, one of the largest publishers in the world, I can assure you sunshine, rainbows, and bliss... have nothing to do with writing, let alone writing that sells.

      This is yet another example of someone asking for help on this board, receiving it, free btw, from highly experienced copywriters, and then arguing the toss.

      You clearly have no clue what you are talking about. And bearing in mind you have set yourself up as some kind of writing expert, your grammar and syntax are abysmal.
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      • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
        Banned
        [quote=StingGB;10652938]
        Originally Posted by JesseGilbert1 View Post

        Pain and lack of creative ideas is the problem writers face.
        Knowing what to write that will sell.
        Brainstorm Pro is the magic pill that brings sunshine, rainbows, and bliss... I guaruntee.]


        Ok. No-one else is going to do it, so I will.

        As a published author with Little Brown Book Group, one of the largest publishers in the world, I can assure you sunshine, rainbows, and bliss... have nothing to do with writing, let alone writing that sells.

        This is yet another example of someone asking for help on this board, receiving it, free btw, from highly experienced copywriters, and then arguing the toss.

        You clearly have no clue what you are talking about. And bearing in mind you have set yourself up as some kind of writing expert, your grammar and syntax are abysmal.
        For a published author, I'm surprised when you cannot detect sarcasm. I appreciate help but someone saying your offer flat out sucks is a troll. I know plenty about what I speak of, I have written at least one sales letter and ebook that sold in the tens of thousands of copies...

        I apologize for some typos... in general those who think a few typos are a big problem are generally not great marketers.

        How much did you make from your book? 5%? 10%? Maybe 15 if you were lucky?

        This aint aimed at 'published authors' who get heavy editing and proofreading for the grand prize of 5 to 10% royalties on what they produce. It can help during the creative process.

        Some typos and syntax are fine when getting emails. It pulls plenty but could be better.

        I can take plenty of constructive advice...believe me.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Here is your real headline buried in your copy:

    "What if This Software Could Actually Help You Write Faster & More Intelligently... Today?"

    -Ray Edwards
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  • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
    Banned
    Thanks Ray...I like that one too but I don't think it packs enough punch. Faster and more intelligently is good...but something related to revenue might be stronger...
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  • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
    Banned
    Maybe: What if This Software Could Actually Help You Write Faster & More Profitably...Today?
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Maybe you're not getting my meaning. LEGALLY SPEAKING, you cannot make a claim that you cannot back up with empirical proof. Otherwise FTC and alphabet soup can potentially come down on you for deceptive advertising. If you want to take that risk, be my guest.

    And again, you come to writers to tell us what we want instead of listening to us. And you've still not made it clear to me what your software does that thesaurus.com does not.

    I'm not sure why I keep trying with you.
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  • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
    Banned
    ok. thanks for your patience. please give it a day or two. I'm adding something that will hopefully soon make you understand why I'm basically sure that as a copywriter you will love it. I think I need to do a video. some features are being added as we speak.

    As for legal speak. ok. I can take out guarantee. maybe you're right...but I see people guaranteeing money on a lot of site whereas 'bliss' or Guaranteed Writing Bliss could be construed as sort of a cutesey slogan less than a guarantee. but perhaps you're right and I'd prefer not to play with the alphabet soupers.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Guarantee has a specific legal promise. Man, I'm not even going to get into the flat out lecture I got from our legal department as to the difference between "excellent" and "good" sources of vitamins and minerals on food packaging.

    Even Men's Wearhouse has moved away from "you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it" as its old tried-and-true. Don't make promises. Tell them what's possible, but it has to be believable and achievable.

    And it has to solve a problem. I promise you "finding happiness" as a writer isn't even anywhere NEAR the top of challenges I face.
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  • Profile picture of the author 1Bryan
    No need for critique. The offer sucks. The offer is always more important than copy and your offer flat-out sucks.
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    • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
      Banned
      Originally Posted by 1Bryan View Post

      No need for critique. The offer sucks. The offer is always more important than copy and your offer flat-out sucks.
      a number of intelligent writers would differ in opinion but since you know it all I will not try too much to convince you otherwise. P.S. the offer is not always more important than the copy. There are plenty of great products outsold by inferior ones due to better copy. True, good copy will not save a bad offer, but this is a solid offer if you know what you're getting.
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  • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
    Banned
    thanks Angie. I had that Men's Warehouse ad going through my mind. That was the voice I was hearing. It's tempting to make guarantees, and I would guarantee my product 100% or your money back because I do believe in it and stand behind it... but perhaps seeing as how the legal climate has changed it's better to err on the safe side.

    Feel free to tell me some of your top challenges and there's a good chance I will add tools to help with these specific challenges if possible.
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  • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
    Banned
    and i've had about a dozen 'published' authors tell me they love the software.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Personally, I can respect someone who has a dream and pursues it relentlessly, even in the face of discouragement.

    On that front I say good on you.

    However, you're gonna need to watch the hubris if you hope to attain a modicum of success.

    Because so far I see you asking pros for help, for free, and spending all your time arguing with them about why you're right.

    Hint: you can't contact every individual who misinterprets your sales letter and argue your case with them. You're either clear or you're not.

    Sounds to me like the market's telling you you're not. But instead of asking for clarification from the market, you're continuing to model on successful past controls without understanding the WHY behind their successes. And you're not really understanding the pain of your market, or if you do you're not articulating it clearly.

    We actually enjoy helping people here, especially when those people grow and learn and do well.

    But you'll never grow, learn, or do well so long as you think you have no room for improvement and fail to take constructive criticism to heart.

    Second hint: Bryan wasn't trolling you. It's not a great offer. If the market does not understand what you're giving them or doesn't have a need for what you offer, then free doesn't matter.

    I'll give you an example from my personal life: I replaced all the light bulbs in my house with LEDs. Now a retailer I know wants to have a massive LED blowout sale.

    Even if you stuffed all my bags with FREE LEDs, I wouldn't use them. I DON'T HAVE A NEED. It doesn't matter how attractive the offer is. They don't understand that I don't need it. I don't need to stock up either, because these will last for years and by the time I need to replace them, there will probably be better, even more efficient technology.

    This note is mostly to the lurkers, because I feel like we've all tried our hardest with you Jesse but you seem to feel like you've got a point to prove.
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    • Profile picture of the author JesseGilbert1
      Banned
      Ok. Feel free to tell me about your pain if you feel so inclined. I want to know about your pain...I want to learn about you and your particular writing challenges. What part of writing is painful for you? If you want...either here or in PM. I'm building this for you, the writer...so I want to know what hurts...What frustrates you on a regular basis...

      Thanks for comments thus far.
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  • Oh Look...Jesse's back

    Caveat emptor
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  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    in general those who think a few typos are a big problem are generally not great marketers.
    Wow.

    It's one thing to argue that the market ignores typos for the most part (which I don't agree with, given the evidence I've seen) but quite another to insult those who have a more professional attitude and execution than you do. That shows a high degree of defensiveness where you are not listening and not taking in the feedback you have asked for.

    This aint aimed at 'published authors' who get heavy editing and proofreading for the grand prize of 5 to 10% royalties on what they produce.
    That's another example of the same tendency: responding to legitimate feedback by trying to put down the superior credentials of the person providing the feedback.

    Please stop asking for advice here if you feel compelled to respond in such a self-sabotaging and unnecessarily combative fashion. It's a waste of time for everyone concerned.

    Marcia Yudkin

    P.S. Want a model for how to take feedback/criticism? Watch "Chopped" or other competition shows on Food Network. Almost everyone being judged says "Thank you, chef" even when they feel upset or disappointed. And in almost every episode you can see someone learning and improving from the feedback they receive.
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    I would think that an ad selling software that helps create headlines that "arrest the reader's attention" would itself have a headline that arrests the reader's attention, no?

    I realize you're looking for help with this but I hope you can see how the irony hurts the credibility of the offer.
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  • Profile picture of the author Sean DeSilva
    "This $65 software program helped outsell a $10,000-per-sales-letter copywriter, generating XYZ in extra sales over 53 days

    And now, you can steal ALL its ideas for yourself"


    That's my first pass at a headline/subhead. Hope it helps!
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  • Profile picture of the author havplenty
    Writing headlines is a highly nuanced enterprise and best as I see, software doesn't do nuanced very well.

    Take this headline for example: "Here's an Extra $50, Grace...I'm making real money now!"

    How do you program that nuanced thinking into a piece of software?

    I hope it works out for you man but know that a few big name copywriters have tried to code the writing process into software. I don't know any that have made it to 1.0.1. Google and Facebook with all ther billions are still trying to figure this stuff out so good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author jessegilbert
      Banned
      Originally Posted by havplenty View Post

      Writing headlines is a highly nuanced enterprise and best as I see, software doesn't do nuanced very well.

      Take this headline for example: "Here's an Extra $50, Grace...I'm making real money now!"

      How do you program that nuanced thinking into a piece of software?

      I hope it works out for you man but know that a few big name copywriters have tried to code the writing process into software. I don't know any that have made it to 1.0.1. Google and Facebook with all ther billions are still trying to figure this stuff out so good luck.
      Thanks. You are 100% correct. Writing is so highly nuanced that I doubt there will ever be a way a computer can write copy. Which is good news for copywriters...

      All the billions they will pour into AI probably won't produce revenues for the people who use the technology for ads.

      Personally I believe it just comes down to generating variant headlines based on swipes and split testing.

      With Brainstorm Pro you still have to write the copy...

      It's not touted as some 'AI' system that creates the ads, then sends them out, then mesmerizes the users so much that they place orders....

      It simply allows you to find the best alternatives to the swipes you are using as models much more quickly.

      Just a few alternatives it would help create for something similar in a business op ad would be something like:

      Here's a $500 bonus Jane...I'm actually generating some real income now.
      Here's a $500 bonus Mike...The business is kicking out some real revenues now
      Here's a $500 bonus Jane...I'm producing some real revenues now
      Here's a $500 bonus Mike...The business is seeing some real returns now

      There's a lot more it can do but would have to know the specific purpose for which the ad is being made to use the software to tailor the original swipe for it.

      Perhaps this one is not the best example and this particular headline is more difficult than most, linguistically, to work with but you still get some good ideas from it with brainstorming.
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      • Profile picture of the author DABK
        From the examples you give, it seems to be a basic spinner. Why do I need that? Plenty of software like that. How's your different?

        Anyway, the response to Hey, Grace is not Hey, Mary or Hey, Alicia,. It is: They Laughed When I Said I Invented Brainstorm Writing Software... Till I Showed Them My First Month's Royalties.

        Or, actually, something that includes none of the words in this title: "Here's an Extra $50, Grace...I'm making real money now!" but the word an.

        How is your software better than this: https://www.portent.com/tools/title-maker?

        I typed in blue jeans for subject line and it came up with
        How will blue jeans stop North Korea
        How blue jeans will make you a better lover
        7 freaky reasons blue jeans can get you fired
        Why mom was right about blue jeans
        How low can blue jeans go
        How blue jeans made me a better person
        How to fight off Lex Luthor using only blue jeans
        18 BS facts about blue jeans everyone thinks are true
        9 things about blue jeans your kids don't want you to know.

        You play enough with it, it gets you thinking of a good headline.

        Anyway, no where in your copy to I get who you're writing your copy for.

        People who want a headline come in many flavors. You need to pick one.

        When I did my first piece of copy, I spent a lot of time finding me headlines. Made myself a list of 600 or so. Then, I tried to see which of them might work for what I was doing.

        If I had a piece of software that had the 600 headlines and could replace the subject in them with words of my choosing, I'd have been happy.

        Now, having written quite a few headlines, I'm not interested... Mind you, my main thing isn't writing sales letters. But I'm assuming that experienced copywriters are beyond needing what your software seems to answer.

        But you have never, ever, addressed beginners or the accidentals... I mean the owner of a small business who composes his/her own blog posts/sales letters. Which is who, I think, your software might help.

        Of course, I have not used it, so I could be way off. But that's how you make it sound like.

        You're all about teaching people that the headline is the most crucial...

        If you're selling to people who don't know how important headlines are...

        And what's with all that killing?

        Killing legally is odd. It's murder that's illegal, not killing... That's why many who kill don't end up in jail, that's why when you kill in self-defense, you kill but do not murder.

        Mostly, what I get from your piece is: you're careless with words.


        Originally Posted by havplenty View Post

        Writing headlines is a highly nuanced enterprise and best as I see, software doesn't do nuanced very well.

        Take this headline for example: "Here's an Extra $50, Grace...I'm making real money now!"

        How do you program that nuanced thinking into a piece of software?

        I hope it works out for you man but know that a few big name copywriters have tried to code the writing process into software. I don't know any that have made it to 1.0.1. Google and Facebook with all ther billions are still trying to figure this stuff out so good luck.
        Originally Posted by jessegilbert View Post

        Thanks. You are 100% correct. Writing is so highly nuanced that I doubt there will ever be a way a computer can write copy. Which is good news for copywriters...

        All the billions they will pour into AI probably won't produce revenues for the people who use the technology for ads.

        Personally I believe it just comes down to generating variant headlines based on swipes and split testing.

        With Brainstorm Pro you still have to write the copy...

        It's not touted as some 'AI' system that creates the ads, then sends them out, then mesmerizes the users so much that they place orders....

        It simply allows you to find the best alternatives to the swipes you are using as models much more quickly.

        Just a few alternatives it would help create for something similar in a business op ad would be something like:

        Here's a $500 bonus Jane...I'm actually generating some real income now.
        Here's a $500 bonus Mike...The business is kicking out some real revenues now
        Here's a $500 bonus Jane...I'm producing some real revenues now
        Here's a $500 bonus Mike...The business is seeing some real returns now

        There's a lot more it can do but would have to know the specific purpose for which the ad is being made to use the software to tailor the original swipe for it.

        Perhaps this one is not the best example and this particular headline is more difficult than most, linguistically, to work with but you still get some good ideas from it with brainstorming.
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