Please critique my first copy

Hi Karolis,
Could you please say what the copy will be used for, ie website, sales brochure, sales letter?
That will make it a little easier to critique.

The fact that it's written in broken English makes it quite hard to understand. It also took me quite some time to understand what your product is? A book that tells people how to re-style their clothes with ONLY a needle and an idea?

Aside from those two crucial elements, I wouldn't ever continue reading past anything that was addressed 'hi lady' but that's a personal preference.

What's your copy for?

Hi wordsandthebees,

First of all, thank you for your comment. I really appreciate that you are giving your time to me. I do not have a product to write about so I imagined a book called "Fashion queen easily".

This book is for women's who need new clothes, but do not have money to buy new ones.

When I was writing I was thinking about e-mail marketing, but actually, I do not know difference between copy on "ie website", "sales brochure" or "sales letter". Can you help me with that?

And yes my English is bad, but still, I would love to learn both: English and copywriting. Maybe you can link me to English language training site? Thank you so much !!!! If there is something I can do for you tell me!

Hi Karolis,

Although I don't know much about your target audience but here are my 2 cents.

Your solution/product benefit is this: cheap way to always have new clothes to wear.

But your headline is not hitting that solution in any way. MAKE YOU LOOK CLASSY? Well, the clothes from fashion designers also make me look classy, what now?

Maybe you can replace your headline with something like:

"Beat the most famous fashion designer in your town with just a needle, cloth, and an idea, "

OR

"All you need is 3 things to craft equally beautiful clothes as your favorite fashion designer."

These are just quick thoughts. OfCOURSE these headlines need some brush up​.

But the bottom line is: Your headline is not doing any good. It's not telling your unique selling point.

P.S as stated by wordsandbees, english writing needs some help too.

Thanks
Junaid

I figure it would be easier to get a genie back in its bottle than squish classy into the same sales pitch as cheap an' old clothes.

Plus, I can't even make a pizza edible, so pullin' anythin' classy from outta my seamstressin' repertoire is kinda doomed.

Prolly what you got might be of value, particularly to hardcore recyclin' types, but I simply don't believe you about the classy.

Yes, you need help in crafting English, just as I would need help in writing a "second" language.

In western society - many fling their clothes when they're bored with them and just buy new ones (they are huge discount stores so it's not always expensive to do).

Taking the time to make your own - never mind - making them "classy" is a tough sell.

And very few people believe they can make stuff like their favourite fashion houses - although you could aim directly at their "ego" - Be The Next _____ (name the designer).

If you can, give some valuable information in a promotion - maybe a quick and easy way in "transforming" say a T shirt. Make sure your audience feels,"Wow - that is so cool and I could definitely do it."

You could use the social injustice angle. Please stop this women and her 4 kids working 18 hours a day in a dangerous sweatshop being forced to make your clothes - make your own - and give some of the money to the x or y charity which will help end the horrors of human exploitation.

Individualism, vintage, save/make money, save the planet, be creative could also be hooks.

Have fun making truly unique clothes with your friends. Never look like mass produced fashion store victims ever again! might have an appeal.


Steve

Hi Jon,

The others all make valid points. You want people to read your writing to the end and not get stopped by broken English and "hi lady" is definitely something that will make 99% of people close down that page.

The whole concept somehow seems "wrong."

An admirable effort, dear, for writing such a unique content. I came to know about your book in comments. I really appreciate it and wish you good luck with your book. I read different books and i think your writing style is awesome. You might want to expand your vocabulary a bit in the future.

You are trying to inspire confidence, and this is a mistake. You like to shout, "Oh, believe me." But most people will take the money and buy on sale. You should refer to those people for whom this is a real solution. It`s the target group for this book, who have latent needsю

P.S. I know the English is bad and learning too. Were you from? Latvia?

Can writers take a long honest look at their own writing? The answer is yes, but it's difficult. When we go back to read the words we've put on the page, we not only read the actual words, we relive the emotions we felt as we were writing. We see the characters in our minds. We hear them speak. Unfortunately, our readers don't have access to our emotions, our vision and our inner ear -- they can only read the words on the page.

Whether the book is done or you're stuck in the middle, it's perfectly natural to be suffering the heebie-jeebies about whether the characters are right, whether the story is working and whether you're ever going to slay this monster. There are two places in a manuscript where the self-doubt bug is most likely to bite: when you're one-fourth of the way into the project and when you're three- fourths finished

One of the best ways to write compelling copy is to follow a simple format. And this goes for sales letters, emails, VSL's...

Headline
Opening Paragraph
Story
Bullets
Close

Your headline has to grab their attention and make them want to read. If your head line is weak you've lost the reader and it won;t matter what the rest of the copy says.

Your opening is simply a transition from your headline to your body cool or story. This opening should tell the reader what they will gain if they continue reading.

Your story should be quite simple.

Bullets - every benefit your provide will give the consumer

Close - an offer they can't refuse - when you finish telling them about your offer they should be saying to themselves "why wouldn't I buy this"!

Hope this helps ya

Peace out

Shawn Andrew Walker

I'm going to be very honest. So, take this as you will.

I find 3 things wrong with this piece. 1) You're obviously not a copywriter so the copy is terrible. 2) English is not your first language so the copy is terrible. 3) No one wants this product.

Women max out their credit cards to get something with a designer logo such as Louis Vuitton or Chanel on a garment. Not because the fabric is better but because it has those fancy letters that say Chanel or Louis Vuitton. So that means they belong to some cool club.

People don't want to be making their dresses out of their old sweat pants and tank tops. You are committing the old cardinal rule of trying to force a product on an audience that just doesn't want it. People want to lose weight, make more money and hit a golf ball farther. Concentrate on crafting a sales message for an audience that already exists.

Bill


.

Ouch. You lost this woman at "hi lady." "Classy" is also kind of an outdated term, if you're trying to appeal to younger women. I agree with other posters, you should probably improve your English before you attempt copywriting. It's important to be conversational and that's hard to do when you don't have the language down pat.

I think you need to revisit some of the basics.

The Collier Principle says to "always enter the conversation already taking place in the prospect's mind."

That's completely missing here.

This thread is proof people here will argue about anything these days....geesh.

It doesn't matter where ANY women buy their clothes - they wouldn't buy this imaginary book....about an imaginary technique....from this imaginary copy.

I'm left wondering if the OP is the 14 yr old girl...

Can you name one woman you know who would buy a book about how to make cheap clothes from old clothes just like a 14 yr old girl?

One?

This is a farce - you can't help that level of copywriting. You are commenting on a fictional product. Slow day on forum, I guess.

Hope this is relevant...

Karolis, what is your native language, if English isn't your main one?

A lot of copywriting books are written in English, and if you can apply those techniques in whatever your native language would be, there won't be as many hurdles for you from a spelling/grammar standpoint.

There's a similar thread on this type of thing over here: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...n-english.html

I would also imagine there may be a lot less competition in languages other than English, but I could be totally wrong on that.

I thought I would rewrite the original ad just for practice. It is the first time I have tried to write copy. Could someone give some comments on it so I will know if I am on the right track? Maybe it will help me and Karolis as well.

Imagine the attention you would get from friends, family, and admirers when you always arrive with beautiful, fancy outfits that they have never seen you wearing before! You could be the envy of everyone. The men will want you, women will admire you, and it will cost next to nothing!


It doesn’t seem possible does it? But it is. How you ask?

It is all detailed for you in a new book by Bob Marley called “Fashion Queen Easily.”


In this tome of extravagant fashion, the author details how anyone can make new, glamorous outfits out of the tired old cloths found in the back of your closet. The method is so simple, you don’t even need tailoring experience. Just everyday know how is plenty to accomplish everything detailed in the book.


That isn’t even the best part!


Think of all the money you will save by not only avoiding the high costs associated with buying nice new outfits at respectable boutiques, you will be saving double by salvaging the old cloths you have already spent your hard earned dollars for.


Not only do you save money, you continue to make the most out of what you have already spent!


Act now, this book is a limited run so when its gone, its gone. You don’t want to miss out on all the adoration and envy that’s in store for you in the pages of ”Fashion Queen Easily.”

Here are three things you can do to improve your English within weeks:

1. Create an account on www.duolingo.com and practice daily.
2. Install grammarly for a real time check of your spelling and grammar when writing in English.
3. Start writing daily. Personally I use 750 Words - Write every day. as a reminder just to hold myself accountable.

Don't despair Karolis, you have nowhere to go but up from here.

To be honest . . . it's not bad for a starting point, but I'd really recommend you to get someone to re-write it, who's native language is English, and who has some copywriting skill.

You sound like you are trying to write advertising copy. Well-written copy should sound like you are talking with a friend.

Keep learning

Chris

While reading the comments, I've ran out of things to say about your copy. But I agree with what most of the people here are saying, study about English grammar first then try to learn how to write a good copy.

Goodluck