Need some advice, please?

7 replies
Hello Warriors,

I'm usually just lurking in WF and have probably posted a comment or two, but today - I need an honest opinion from a fellow warrior who's expertise is in copywriting.

I wrote my first attempt for a salespage and am wondering if anyone can critique my copy, please?

Salespage: jasmanmarketing.com/outsourcing/index.html

Alternative: jasmanmarketing.com/outsourcing/index2.html

I'd appreciate any feedback you have. Thanks.

Manuel

PS. Can't post a link yet so I apologize if you have to copy and paste the site url to your browser. Thanks.
#advice #critique #critique my salespage
  • Profile picture of the author curious52
    Hi Manuel,

    I'm no expert, but I noticed your bullet points aren't benefits driven. The potential customer wants you to tell him what your bullet points are going to do for him. A silly example: *This red banana has 5 times the potassium of regular yellow bananas so you only have to eat one, saving you calories AND money. Feature - red banana has 5 times the potassium; Advantage - only have to eat one; BENEFIT - saves you calories and money. Ask yourself "so what" after you write each bullet point and it may help you add the benefit. Again....I'm no expert, but hope this helps. Also check out Matt Carter's blog at mattsmarketingblog.com (no aff-free). He's got a really good video about what makes a good sales page. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Matt Willard
      I'm no expert either (still learning the ropes on copywriting) but instead of "Quick Possible Solution", I'd be more definite. This is THE solution the customer needs. Then your copy explains why it is THE solution.
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      • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
        First, congrats on getting up and going. Taking action is the first step.

        Your page needs alot of work. I will talk about a couple things. You speak like you are talking at your prospect not with your prospect. What I mean by that is try speaking in a conversational tone.

        Like you and your buddy are talking and you want to tell him about this discovery you made on how to boost search engine ranking and increase traffic.

        If you were sitting with your buddy you wouldn't be saying "we" do this for you... "we" will... do that. No it would be ..."Hey Bob I discovered this new way to get traffic and search engine ranking and I want to tell you about it... Here's how it works".

        Next, your price. Some people are going to think that $127 a month is alot of money. Show them what they are getting is a bargain... bring up the price objection and answer the question for them. Like the value of what they are getting is worth $427 a month but they won't pay that.

        Let them think they are getting a bargain. Oh ya, one more thing, your P.S. should be reinforcing your headline... "And don't forget when you get my widget you will boost your search engine ranking and increase traffic guraranteed".

        Hope that helps.

        Bill Jeffels
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        • Profile picture of the author daddynanny
          wow, i love you warriors! exactly why i decided to ask for your help - quick and blunt opinions.

          @alexa - thank you very much for scanning the salespage so quickly and for making the link live. i take no offense in your suggestion to have it checked by a native english speaker for errors, thank you for that. just to let you know i take your criticism seriously, i approached an acquaintance to proof read the salespage for errors. i'm glad i live in canada.

          @curious52 - i get your point. thank you and also for the link to matt carter's.

          @warrich - wattage? i don't know what you mean.

          @matt - dang! you just fed me a potential winning headline.

          @bill - definitely a very enlightening tip. i'll try to figure a way to put those into words.

          warriors, i appreciate all your input. really. my friend is right - i should hangout and be active here more often if i wanted to learn REAL internet marketing.

          thanks, all. i hope you won't mind if i bother you again after rewriting the copy. i wish everybody here plenty of success.

          grateful,

          manuel
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  • Profile picture of the author Keeslover
    It's a great start!

    If you can change the focus from "we" (meaning you) to "you" (meaning them), you'll have it. Remember, your reader wants to know what he or she gets from you. In a sales letter, it's all about me me me (the reader).

    If you're not sure how to make those bullets into benefits, keep asking yourself, "So what?" or "Why should the prospect care?". That will get you thinking from the prospect's point of view.
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