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Another critique - some practice

by Copylifemike
3 replies
The following copy is based on email.

Just some practice. The email copy is based on an actual event and facts I grabbed from the site. I did not list the names of those speaking at this conference to keep it very generic.

Objective of the copy: Get readers to purchase tickets to event and upsell to the VIP lecture.

Subject line: Mike, Propel your Real Estate career in to overdrive

Body of letter:

Dear Mike,

Whether you're a new or seasoned agent, launch your career in to overdrive with this very special 2-day event.

• Connect with top influences in person
• Learn from real estate's finest
• Find out industry secrets to more sales
• Network with buyers and lenders from all over
• Build new contacts and relationships

Join us in San Diego at the Hilton Bayfront October 12-14 at the XYZ Summit 2018.

This is your chance to get yourself to the next level.

Learn what it takes to be a business owner FAST and discover the secrets that were mastered by professionals such as...

• Professional speaker 1
• Professional speaker 2
• Professional speaker 3
• Professional speaker 4

Click the banner below to secure your tickets NOW!

[ insert graphic here ]

Regards,
Michael Brian

P.S. If you secure your tickets now, you'll have the opportunity of a lifetime to gain VIP access on October 12th ONLY. There are only 12 more seats left!

Thanks in advance for the feedback!

Mike
#critique #practice
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  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    Mike, Propel your Real Estate career in to overdrive
    I don't believe it is possible in the English language to propel a career in to something else. This doesn't make sense because the prepositions are off.

    In addition, "overdrive" is a vague concept and not necessarily a good thing. With cars, "overdrive" saves gas and may get you to the destination faster, but did you say which destination you mean in that headline? No. Is someone who is in overdrive successful? Quite possibly not.

    This is a subject line that appears to be written by someone with a weak grasp of the English language - not someone most people would hire as a copywriter.

    As I said before, you definitely need to work with an editor.

    Marcia Yudkin
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    Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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  • Profile picture of the author ryanbiddulph
    I would tone down FAST and NOW and !!!! Mike, to remove fear, to be genuine, and to connect with calm, confident, prospering people who have the means and energy to buy from inspiration, not desperation. Easy way to help more folks and make more money.

    Ryan
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    Ryan Biddulph helps you to be a successful blogger with his courses, manuals and blog at Blogging From Paradise
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  • Profile picture of the author Copylifemike
    Points well taken.

    I wrote this about 2 weeks ago and found it in my google drive.

    Since my previous postings I've definitely learned a lot.

    I have plenty of steps to take and much to consider when writing copy.

    Thank you again.

    Mike
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