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Sales Copy Complete ...Would Love Feedback

by Helping Dad
21 replies
OK
If anyone has seen any of my past posts (more than likely you haven't). I'm helping my Dad by learning internet marketing. I'm taking what I've learned from the people on this forum to help sell existing material that my Dad has already created through his radio program and newspaper. I have created a email list of over 700 emails (by offering a free eBook) & a facebook page of 3700 friends. I have now completed a long sales copy page for our first product launch.
I have already had a lot of help through members of this forum yet I'm asking for help again. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. My skin is pretty thick so let me know what I could change in order to bring in maximum sales.

Click Below

ULTIMATE OLD WEST PACKAGE

Thanks
#complete #copy #feedback #love #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Helping Dad
    This is great advice. Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Birch
    Hi

    From first glance, there are a few things that I suggest.

    The main one would be to turn off the auto video play, I hate it because its intrusive - it will lose you customers.

    Another thing that I noticed that the photos attached to the comments are far too small . . . I was squinting to see what they were about!

    I think they would hold more clout if they were indented and maybe moved beneath the Dakota info.

    Great package though and I would be tempted to purchase even though I am a Brit!

    Kevin
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  • Profile picture of the author Helping Dad
    Thats great Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author MillionaireMonkey
    I like your site, and I like Kevin's advice about the auto-start, and Paul's advice on making the message clearer. Only thing I can think, if possible to BEEF up the retail value of some of your items? Maybe the archival COLLECTOR'S issues could have more value than just seven bucks? People are leaving them in their WILL? and they're only worth $7? The higher retail value will make the lower price package deal harder to pass up. Just a thought :-) Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    It seems to me you have a great opportunity for a story lead here.

    Maybe open with one of these gunfights or something...

    "Imagine it's 18 whatever, you're sitting in a saloon etc. Wild Bill is sitting opposite you etc. He throws down an ace of spades... Kablam!"

    Times were though back then etc, etc

    Times were simpler too etc, etc

    Buy my newsletter!
    So actually transport the reader back.

    From those testimonial photo's it seems like a passionate market, so you could probably get away with something fairly direct too, mind you. But I imagine getting the right story would be more profitable.

    Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Very messy layout. Weak headline. All those quotes at the beginning get in the way of the pitch. And as Colm says, you need to paint the picture. Use some emotive lines from the old West. There's a million of them - "High Noon"..."Gunfight at the OK Corral"..."Boot Hill"..."Billy the Kid" - all that kind of stuff.
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  • Profile picture of the author Helping Dad
    Thanks...Great Feedback
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  • Profile picture of the author wrcato
    Turn off the auto play feature on the video. then I will look at your site. I am on satalight internet and band width is limited.
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    William Cato
    Sit Down, Have A Cup Of Coffee
    and read my blog http://www.2ultra.com
    follow me on Twitter
    www.twitter.com/wrcato

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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      I like the idea.

      Your layout needs work. Order button text is a wtf? for me:
      "Yes, I would like to take advantage of this offer!"

      ???

      You got the right idea, but that's not specific like "Yes!
      Rush the Old West package to my door" - so the verbosity
      of using 9 words on your order button isn't the problem,
      it's that it doesn't actually re-iterate the offer or what
      they are buying in any meaningful way.

      So, "Add to cart" is better, but if you want something
      more verbose, try it, but for god's sake make it specific
      and bump up the text size.

      A lot of people are old and don't read tiny text well, so
      don't use it with this sort of product, which clearly is
      going to sell way more copies to the bi-focal crowd
      than the I-Pod crowd.

      DON'T USE ALL CAPS!

      (only in the occasional headline, and then be cautious, because
      ALL CAPS are hard to read)

      I would set this in courier or courier new for an old-timey
      feel, like a telegraph thing.
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      • Profile picture of the author Helping Dad
        Thanks for the great feedback
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  • Profile picture of the author bigmoney10
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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  • Profile picture of the author Jennie Heckel
    Dear Helping Dad,

    You have a lot of good pieces but the flow is poor.

    Suggestions to kick this up a notch:

    1. Remove the Why I Love the West and sprinkle them through the copy make sure you put them in testimonial-style boxes but different colors than the real testimonial boxes. Also with the images wrapping around the text, make the testimonial boxes a different background color, maybe a light tan to go with your theme.

    2. Bring your Dad front and center to the top, remove all the bolded text next to his photo that is too hard to read.

    3. You need to romance them a little before introducing the product, I like what you wrote, you need to get them thinking -- wish I was out west right now, on my horse riding into the sunset, kind of idea.

    4. Put yourself in the visitor's shoes, the top graphics are too plain and need to be colorful and have more pizzazz. I would have an image of gun fight at the OK corral or similar, if you like the black and what that is fine, just get better thinker line images so they stand out more and wrap them around the headline.

    5. Headline needs a pre-head, headline and subhead. This one does not wow me.

    6. The part about the women in the west should be moved up it is better than most of the rest and use your best copy first.

    7. The main copy is good although the graphics could use some work, remember first impressions are what people go by.

    8. I like the offerings but they are too cheap this might sell better if you decide to have an add to cart and allow them to add the parts they want. A newsletter does not have a lot of value these days especially for something people can't make money on. So you have to focus on the value of wanting these elite Western products.

    9. I would have a guarantee certificate., with an image of your Dad and his signature, more like this site of mine for an idea on how to do that.

    10. I would make the button "ADD TO CART' which is proven to have the best conversions. Make text above the button to read what your button reads now.

    Plan My Baby - Baby Gender Selection - Prince or Princess?

    Here is one I am doing for PAULA ABDUL'S DENTIST!

    Hollywood Smile Optin For Free Chapter!

    (THIS IS NOT LIVE YET BUT SOON WILL BE. SEE HOW THE GUARANTEE BOX IS DONE? THIS WORKS BETTER WITH THE GUARANTEE SEAL AND SIGNATURE IN THE SAME BOX AND CONVERTS BETTER TOO.)

    Main Sales letter (not published yet)

    Hollywood A-List Smile

    You can make a nice western style button if you like, just make sure it is large and has the text "ADD TO CART" so people do buy.

    Good luck with your project it is a good one,

    Jennie
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    ******* WSO & JV ZOO COPYWRITER -- VLS & SALES LETTERS PROVEN TO CONVERT ******* Get Higher Profits From Launches That SELL! Proven Copywriter with 17 Years of Copywriting Experience. Contact Me Via Skype: seoexpertconsulting Copywriting Website: http://www.VideoScriptCopywriter.com

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    • Profile picture of the author dougrobinson2024
      Banned
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  • Profile picture of the author Ronak Shah
    I think if you can add quite a lot of nostalgia to your sales copy, you'll increase sales quickly. A story can definitely do that on your sales copy. People love to read stories. They enjoy it. If they don't enjoy reading your sales copy, they won't buy what you offer.

    Point is you have to bring a smile on a reader's face when they read through your copy.

    It'll help you convert your sales copy better.
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    I AM YOUR Direct Response Ninja Kick-Ass Sales Copywriter.

    Now, Here's The REAL DEAL:
    Either I make YOU at least 10 times of what I charge YOU OR
    I'll Write YOUR Sales Copy AGAIN Till YOU Make MUCH MORE Than THAT. Guaranteed*.
    *Terms & Conditions Apply. Email me at ronak[at]ronakshah[dot]name right now.
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  • Profile picture of the author jaiganeshv.com
    Nice, the black and white color is really relative the product that you sell.
    It really makes sense to the visitor.

    Thank you
    Jai
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    Qilio.com - Social Media Swiss Army Knife
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    • Profile picture of the author stevedirect
      Helping Dad

      You have a product with a lot of potential here... as long as there is a market for it. Plenty of meaty stuff to tickle the buying taste buds...

      But... there's a major decision you need to make before you start to sell this... and that is "Who is this product actually aimed at?"

      The headline says this is for lovers of the old West... but then the letter begins to talk about why people love the old West. If the target market really is lovers of the old West, they don't need to be told this. They already know.

      Then the letter talks about educating people about the old West, as though the target market is actually people who don't yet know much about it.

      This lack of direction is common in many sales letters, and it's down to a lack of decision about who the product is aimed at, or the market awareness of the prospects.

      Decide on your target market, and then write the letter to appeal to them, and only to them.

      You can always write another letter to target a different market later.

      A few other points:

      Overall, I'd put the thrust of the selling on items three, four and five. Then add the subscription and archive issues as a bonus/secondary item.

      And the letter could be much longer. Really describe dramatically the information you're making available. This subject lends itself extremely well to story copy and intense detail.

      In short, make those collectors' mouths water...

      You could have the makings of a great product here, with a lot of potential for building a subscriber list and making back-end sales of allied products. Think creatively.

      Hope this helps

      Steve
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      • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
        I have a question about your market.

        Is the majority religious? Christian to be specific?

        There is one line at the bottom that turns me off of the whole thing ... its this:

        May God always be at your side.
        Now I am not anti-religious or anything, but I would be careful, when you take a religious or political view in anything, whether a sales letter or an article, it can really deter people ... or bring them in. It just depends on who you are 'selling' to.

        If you have done your research and you know that the majority are Christians, then good.

        If not I would test it.

        I actually like the offer though. I live in Montana, this is definitely something that would interest me, or my dad or brothers.
        Which brings me to the next point, which Paul already brought up, this could be offered as a Christmas gift idea.

        It may not be something that I would actually buy for myself .. but for my dad ... sure. People buy Christmas gifts for people who have showed even just a little interest in something. My dad isnt a gun slinging hardcore western enthusiast, but I know he kinda likes it so I might be more inclined to buy it.

        Ashley
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