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Copy Critique Please...

by managepro
5 replies
Hello Folks,

I have written the copy for my website Start an Online Business

Request you to critique the same.

Thanks a lot for the same.

Best Wishes and Regards,
Santosh
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author Ronak Shah
    "Turn Your Fun Computer into a Money Making Machine"


    "Convert your Passion into an Online Business, Earn $1000's every month, Do a Job you Love, Spend More Time with your Loved Ones and Live a Life of Leisure, Fun and Freedom"


    Well, I don't find the headline intimidating to be frank. I'll be very honest with you.

    You're claiming that your target customer would earn 1000's of $$$dollars$$$ every month from your offer. Does it catch the eye to a lay man? YES. Does it convince me to believe whatever you're claiming? Absolutely NOT.

    I don't find it appealing.
    Reason #1: It's not organized properly.
    Reason #2: It does not convince me.
    Reason #3: It does not tell me what's your sales page all about.
    Reason #4: It does not tell me what is so different & unique about your offer that no other marketer on the planet offers.

    Tell me something...

    Do you know what your USP is..?

    Unique Selling Point?

    Headline = USP.

    Another suggestion: Change the font & font size. I find it difficult to read your sales letter.

    Have you been looking for options to make money from home and are just bored and inundated by the plethora of MLM and Hoax products that just take your money and don't make you any money?
    Have you been looking to make money online very recently?

    If your answer is YES, read on....

    Did you notice, how many times the word "and" is repeated. Create interest in the reader. Generate curiosity. Your whole sales page neither your headline is written to make a proper presentation of thoughts & feelings through words.

    You could've used bullet points here to highlight the important facts:

    Instead of ...

    Currently nearly 2 Billion (2,000,000,000) people across the globe are connected to the internet, the revenue being earned on the internet is already in the range of over 100 billions dollars per year and this figure is growing every year. People are using the internet to find what they want rather than the conventional methods.

    People are buying INFORMATION in various areas and aspects of ones life which provides numerous Opportunities for Information Products, no wonder Information Products is NOW one of the Hottest Selling Products on the Internet.



    HERE Are Some Mind Blowing FACTS:
    • Approximately, 2 BILLION people use the internet across the globe each year!
    • The AVERAGE REVENUE earned from the internet is around $100 BILLION each year and keeps growing consistently!
    • People are now turning to the internet to make purchases online, rather than choosing to use conventional mediums such as visiting the grocery store to order a loaf of bread or soap. E-commerce is booming right now!
    • People want solutions that instantly resolve their personal, professional, social, psychological, physical, emotional & family problems. They look for solutions in the form of information products such as ebooks, videos & reports on the internet often than not which is a spectacular OPPORTUNITY for you!
    I'll show you how you could make 1000's of $$$$$ each month from selling information products on the internet step-by-step.

    -----
    Also, Do you've social proof that your customers will be able to make at least $1000 each month?

    Either it's got to be a service where you offer a 100% satisfaction guarantee (you're risking your reputation so offer it only if you're CONFIDENT that WILL deliver) that you will help them make a 4 figure $ amount each month with your terms & conditions....

    OR...

    You must have solid social proof that shows of on the face, especially if you're offering a product.

    -----

    I can go on and on and on... for your sales letter. I am short of time now else I would have improved your sales letter quite a bit. It needs improvement.

    ----

    I am sure this sales letter is not being written by a copywriter if I'm not mistaken, else you would've received a quality sales copy. I'm not being harsh here, just sayin' what I feel. If you feel hurt, I apologize I am sorry. I'm realistic.

    Just ask a question to others here: how many of them really find the "sales copy" to be "interesting"?

    If you need further help, PM me.
    Signature
    I AM YOUR Direct Response Ninja Kick-Ass Sales Copywriter.

    Now, Here's The REAL DEAL:
    Either I make YOU at least 10 times of what I charge YOU OR
    I'll Write YOUR Sales Copy AGAIN Till YOU Make MUCH MORE Than THAT. Guaranteed*.
    *Terms & Conditions Apply. Email me at ronak[at]ronakshah[dot]name right now.
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  • Profile picture of the author Moolah_Copywriting
    I love your tenacity Santosh.
    It's not easy coming in here for help.

    Your Letter
    Your entire presentation needs some heart and soul. It feels so corporate. A red-blooded "hero" would give it a personal feel.

    Here's what I would try. Get a person that you could talk hours to.
    Write out 10 questions that pertain to your product.
    Turn on a digital recorder and have the person interview you. Just speak naturally and try like hell to persuade the person to buy.

    Then take the recording and craft your salesletter using as much of the original interview as possible.

    Your goal is to can the Internet Marketing template and sound like a human being.

    I'm sure everyone else will jump all over the specifics of your letter (the boring header, the obtrusive membership box, the general lead, etc). But I believe that you've got to get your heart into the game.

    Sorry for going all Oprah on ya!

    Stan
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  • Profile picture of the author pwrcloser
    Yep, Needs a lot of work!
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  • Profile picture of the author up2u
    Sorry but I agree, the title is very distracting
    Signature
    Costa del Sol Towns for a very different view of the Costa Del Sol you will not find on other sites
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  • Profile picture of the author Cruiser
    It's wonderful to see how you guys can turn a boring sales copy into a "top of the game" one!
    I believe a good copywriter can sell sh#t to a toilet cleaner!
    If everyone just realize that this is the most important part of your business...and should therefor earn that same important position in your budget!
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