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Anyone for a quick critique and rip it to bits?

by Kevin Birch
5 replies
Hi Guys

Is there anyone up for a quick critique?

The copy is at Tickertest

Thanks

Kevin
#critique #quick
  • Profile picture of the author donlester
    IMHO

    the pink on pink makes it a little hard to read your guarantee. I didn't see any call to action, no urgency. I know you are focusing on the pregnant/new mom market but I am not sure about the strong use of pink. could just be that I am not used to sites like that not having spent any time at baby or new mom sites.

    Hope it helps
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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      1. Headline is full of jargon that make NO SENSE to me.
      It's also a "who else" headline - which is overused
      and I think pretty retarded. There have been a handful
      of classic headlines that used it but the reason they worked
      is because they got the reader interested in a big
      benefit or problem.

      2. Why would I want to run a ticker tape? What is the
      benefit? Social acceptance? Pleasing to relatives
      who want to track the pregnancy? Pride?

      3. I guess it's a WAHM type thing? is it just a ploy
      to get forum-sig traffic?

      Why not: "Exploit you pregnancy to get more traffic
      and make more money with your MLM!" - which, as
      crass as it sounds, is the WHY here I think.

      Or do I not understand?

      Perhaps I don't. I think few of your visitors will either.
      Spell it out without the jargon. Tell them they can
      get money and adoration by using your product.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kingshouse
    The pink lettering makes it difficult to read for any length of time.

    I would imagine if others see it as I do they may not even read your actual sales page

    Thanks for the opportunity to critique your site

    All the best

    Kingshouse
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The headline is weak and the statement "...unless you've been living under a rock..." is insulting.

    There are also some minor punctuation errors...

    Good Luck
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  • Profile picture of the author NaomiDunford
    Sure, I'm game. I'm probably pretty close to your demo (27, f, 3 kids, user of female friendly forums.)

    The issue can be mainly expressed as a lack of benefits. It's all features. That and the pink factor.

    1. Even users of the tickers don't often know what they're called. They call them, "that thing with the countdown" or whatever. And I don't get the tsunami reference. Or where all this traffic is supposed to come from.

    2. The pink is too much.

    3. No benefit to buying. Unless this is REALLY targeted traffic who saw your banner for ticker tsunamis and wanted that, they don't really know what they're getting or why in God's name they'd want it.

    4. Needs more white space. This can probably be achieved pretty easily by adding extra line breaks between paragraphs, and especially between your bulleted points.

    5. Some minor errors with grammar, specifically apostrophes.

    6. Some of your copy (like "your turn for success") sounds like it was taken from a sales page that had to do with business, not entertainment. There's not really anything to succeed at here. And mouthwatering is probably a bit strong of a word for the features.

    I did like the guarantee though. "No weasel, no get out" is probably very well written for your target demo.

    Regardless, well done on asking for the critique. I couldn't do it.
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