13 replies
Hello Warriors,

I am looking for critism

Working Mans Web Domination

None of the links are live yet nor are paypal buttons so I hope people dont think I am promoting...

I am looking for feedback on my copywriting... I struggle with this part so any help tips wouild be extremely handy

Thanks again

  • Profile picture of the author R Hagel
    Hi Danny,

    I hate to say this, but there really is too much wrong to go line by line with a critique.

    However, let me share something with you that will help you clean it up...

    You've written this sales letter from inside YOUR head.

    What you need to do is get inside your prospect's head. See the world from his viewpoint. Become him.

    For example...

    In your own head, you think of your prospects as "local businesses/owners."

    But in your prospect's head, he's NOT a "local business owner." He's a small business owner. So starting with your headline (and your salutation), you've disconnected with the prospect because he doesn't feel like you're talking to him.

    (Plus, "dominating Google" isn't a tangible enough benefit for him. Get more specific -- drill down to what he really wants and how getting to the top of Google can give it to him.)

    That's just one example. But the whole letter reads that way. It's more about you and how you see things -- rather than how your prospect sees things (and how he'll benefit).

    Again, get OUT OF YOUR HEAD... and into his. Focus on how he benefits.


    p.s. You also have a lot of awkward sentences, mainly because they're run-on sentences. Reading run-ons will trip the reader up and make him focus on understanding the meaning of the text... rather than being sucked into your copy. And that's not a good thing.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    The prehead doesn't seem to gel with the headline.

    Get a photo of yourself on there.

    You can keep the date current with a basic script:

    JavaScript: Basic Date Display Script - webreference.com

    Your sentences are far too long they go on and on and on as if they're never going to stop it becomes a chore to read and will quickly put people off reading the whole thing so they might never discover how good your product actually is even if it could change their entire future and get them the lifestyle they want.

    See how hard that was to read?

    The standard of English throughout is a bit ropey.

    Space it out a bit more.

    Get some bullets in there with what's in your book.

    I think just one PS might be adequate for this.

    Well done for taking what was said in the previous thread and running with it.

    Andrew Gould

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    • Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Your sentences are far too long they go on and on and on as if they're never going to stop it becomes a chore to read and will quickly put people off reading the whole thing so they might never discover how good your product actually is even if it could change their entire future and get them the lifestyle they want.
      Made me chuckle.
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      • Profile picture of the author andrewkar
        Hi Danny,

        I have some similar problems with my copy.

        When I read you, it seems to be a way too FAST.

        For you, everything is clear, you are the inventor. But for your customer, this is new subject, so he needs explanation and some time to "swallow" it.

        They may even not know what Google's rank is.

        There is one good technique for writing letters from your customer point of view. It is called "so what?" technique, maybe you heard about it before.

        It goes like this.

        List all the features of your product. Make a simple bullet list.
        Then read out loud first feature and immediately after that ask the question:"so what?".

        This is a great way to extract some important benefits.

        For example:

        Feature 1:

        (Imagine that you talk directly to your customer)

        You: my product is easy to use.

        Your customer: "So what?"

        You: It will really save a lot of your time. That way you will get more jobs done. More jobs = More cash. Simple.

        And you should go like this with every feature. And try to extract as many benefits as possible.

        There is a free e-book called MYWS (make your words sell) written by Ken Evoy (SBI) and Joe Robson (he was great British copywriter. His last program is called "seals copy club").

        MYWS was my first reading about copywriting. In my opinion, this is one of the best e-books for newbie ever written.

        And go to Joe Robson's website adcopywriting.com. (Great source of knowledge).
        Do what you want to do!
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  • Profile picture of the author Danny Cutts

    That is exactly what I wanted....

    so its almost a complete re think then....lol

    I will post back when "I" think I have made some progress


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  • Profile picture of the author davidsbain
    I agree with most of the comments above. Focus your salesletter on the customer's problem which is they need to find new customers due to the recession. Very strong headline something to do with local businesses struggling in the recession and bullet points on do you need type topics - more customers, more website exposure etc. but hold on there are pitfalls out there. sharks at every corner that will rip you off. Why you should trust me.... I have multiple pages on page 1 of google.... I am the go to guy when it comes to getting websites ranked... I will not charge you £1000 like these rip off artists. You can start leanring straight away by instant download and get you site marching to page 1 of google.... blah blah blah.

    I think one thing you really want to look at is the screenshots you have used
    You have x businesses in local search right above your page 1 listing in google. I would suggest you write an extra chapter on how to get listed in local search and have a big red circle around both areas. All the instructions on getting listed on local search are on google. You could even search on page 2 of the search results and send a polite email to these companies with the offer of getting them listed in local search and on page 1 of google. how many local keywords and businesses could you provide this service to ?
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  • Profile picture of the author Nicholas Kemp
    The headline is way too big. You need more spacing between the text paragraphs. Your images are too big.

    Find a good sales page and copy the design.

    Helping Japanese communicate with the world - 英会話教材

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    • Profile picture of the author maximus242
      I disagree, I think the headline gets attention.

      Overall your actually not a bad copywriter, you just need a bit of polishing. The main thing is your formatting sucks right now, its hard to read your copy with all that dense text. Copy how John Carlton does it.

      Mainly I would say just re-reading your own work from the perspective of your prospect and fine tuning things. It could use more flow but overall your not actually a bad copywriter, youve got the meat and potatoes of it, you just need to present it properly.

      Mainly I would re-edit for flow, style, readability and intensification. I think you should read breakthrough advertising. Its not an easy read for most people but youd benefit from it more than most as his concepts would greatly increase the power of your style of writing.

      Overall it comes down to just presenting your sales letter in the easiest to read, most enticing to read format possible. The weakest part of this is layout right now.

      Youve got the raw salesmanship hidden beneath the surface, just need to polish your work.

      I would also say you should carefully consider the advice given on this forum because its not always sound advice.

      xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Danny Cutts
    OK I am back... I have been tweeking this and with the help of another warrior (thanks) I have made some progress all be it slow.

    What do you guys and girls think now

    Working Mans Web Domination

    Thanks again!

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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    There is a lot going on here but my points are as such...

    1) In the headline I would replace the word "traffic" with "potential customers" or "customers" or "calls". Anything but traffic as your customer likely does not even know what that means. I would also put a time factor in the headline. How long will it take me to get to page 1?

    2) Price. I HATE when people do not put their price right above the order button. You are just wasting the visitors time and they wont like that fact when considering their purchase from you.

    3) I think the letter needs to be about twice as long. You are not explaining it enough before asking for my order.

    4) You need social proof google is better than yellow pages.

    Btw, I was a trades guy and I would probably went about this a different way.

    Good luck!
    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jo_Shua
      Originally Posted by RentItNow View Post

      2) Price. I HATE when people do not put their price right above the order button. You are just wasting the visitors time and they wont like that fact when considering their purchase from you.
      I agree. There will be many skimmers of your sales letter, and if they cannot easily find the price once they are finished skimming... they will not bother reading the sales letter to find your price. They will just leave.

      As for the headline, it is decent. It could be better.

      The headline tip RentItNow gave you is a good one, however, it really depends on who you are marketing to. If you are marketing to your average Warrior Forum type of customer, then, using the term Traffic is fine. If you are marketing yourself towards offline customers and those who have no clue about what online marketing is (much less the terminology), then, use words that relate to them better. Such as, customer and bottom line and so forth...

      It seems as if you are targeting business owners, so, you should use the layman's terminology to describe what you are selling people.

      Now, with the terminology aside here is my tip for the headline.

      Discover How To Get A Flood Of Traffic With Just A Few Simple Steps

      Well, how many is a few? Actually putting a number into that headline will make a HUGE difference.

      Discover How To Get A Flood Of Traffic In Only 4 Simple Steps

      That conveys the "there's not much to it" message way better. And, depending on the terminology you use you could do this as well:

      Discover How To Get A Flood Of Buyers In Only 4 Simple Steps

      So forth, so forth...

      Taking out that word "Few" which is general and making your headline more specific will generate a higher interest in what you are selling. More people will likely read on to discover those 4 simple steps which promote the ideal of "instant gratification".

      As for the size of the headline, I like it. For your particular mini-site design it fits.

      Second tip, play to the reader's emotion more.

      For instance, here is your first sentence:

      Are you sick and tired of spending fortunes on advertising and trying to get your website to the top of the search engines?

      Improve upon it by throwing some emotional triggers into the mix...

      Are you sick and tired of spending all your hard earned money on advertising that does not work only to get second rate results? Are you feed up trying to get your website noticed and to the top of the search engines...?

      There's got to be a better way, and there is...

      Hi, Danny Cutts here (go into your sales letter)

      Then, you just continue that bombardment of hitting on their emotions. That's what's gonna grab 'em by the balls... That's what's gonna move your prospect into action... That's what's gonna sell your stuff!

      Ultimately, that's how you're gonna make bank.

      But, only if you keep your prospect's emotions in mind. And, only if you know what those emotional triggers are for your prospect... every niche will have different triggers. You just need to find your market's triggers.

      As for layout, your sales letter is easy on the eyes and is broken up really good. I like the design and layout.

      One last tip, price positioning and justification. You started doing this when you talked about your friend's website. $500 deposit and $250 there after... month after month. Well, when you give the price of your product you can mention that again.

      You can pay $500 now and $250 for the next 6 months and still be NO WHERE... in the same spot you are now. That equates to: $2,000 of your hard earned money -- down the drain.

      Now, you can either pay that $2,000 and get no results OR you can pay a measly $47 and within 4 simple steps be on your way to dominating the search engines AND your competition.

      Let's see: $47... $2,000... $47... $2,000.

      I know which I would choose!

      Heck, let's make this a no brainer. I will slash the price. Now, not only do you get:

      (list all the cool stuff in a bulletin)

      But, you get it all for the one time low price of $27 (that's $20 off!)

      Tell me that's not a GREAT deal!

      Let's make it even better. I will even give you my ultimate money back guarantee...

      (explain guarantee)

      I noticed you do not have a guarantee. If I was you I would add one.

      Anyhow, what you have is workable and is decent by itself. Can it be better? Sure. It can be way better.

      I could continue on forever, but if I did that I should just go into my little dark office and write the darn sales letter for you.

      Hopefully, the tips provided will help you improve upon your sales letter. Now, that does not mean you should use what I gave you verbatim. I just slapped that together in a couple of minutes (the time it took me to write this post).

      But, the ideas are solid. Use those ideals and you will improve your overall sales letter.

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  • Profile picture of the author activetrader
    I actually like it. Your screen shots make your claim believable to me, and I would not hesitate to buy if I was looking for this type of information.


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  • Profile picture of the author Danny Cutts

    There are a lot of great tips and hints.. thanks again

    Fingers crossed I can get it closer tomorrow night. This is not my field of expertise (writing sales copy) so all the advice from lots of warriors is definiatly helping.

    I will post back again soon when I have made some more changes

    Thanks again

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