A little feedback on the sales copy please

by gacott
7 replies
Thanks for the comments, making changes as needed.
#copy #feedback #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Dean
    In copywriting you should make sure every time you make a claim, you provide proof. That's missing in your copy. Not enough proof.

    There's no testimonials. No credentials. No social proof. No video proof. Just no proof.

    It's an interesting angle that might work well. But the first thing I'd add is proof.

    Cheers,
    Stephen Dean
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    • Profile picture of the author gacott
      Originally Posted by Stephen Dean View Post

      In copywriting you should make sure every time you make a claim, you provide proof. That's missing in your copy. Not enough proof.

      There's no testimonials. No credentials. No social proof. No video proof. Just no proof.

      It's an interesting angle that might work well. But the first thing I'd add is proof.

      Cheers,
      Stephen Dean
      Yeah, kind of wondered about that one myself, didn't want to have to go down the testimonial road.

      Garret
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  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
    Not much time, but most of the copy is pretty good. I think the bullets can be strengthened and made more juicy. For example...

    -The Number One Secret that turns a woman into a sex-crazed animal, ready to jump your bones!

    or

    -How to kick your shyness to the curve and walk up to a woman like a man in charge

    In this market, that kind of thing really gets the prospects going. From what I see, you're not talking to the fella' trying to find a girl. It's more like a more raunchy PUA.

    Lastly, I think the headline could be shot up with some adrenaline.

    Consider getting rid of the "get over that broken heart" part.

    For the headline, I think something that REALLY gets the engine roaring.

    Tired of reading all those thinly disguised dating and seduction books... or taking bogus advice from women on how to get other women?

    Well, read on, because this letter is going to shake things up in your life...

    "Dirty Rotten ******* Spits In The Face of Seduction Experts And Reveals His Proven Techniques For Getting A Woman Out Of Her Clothes And Into Your Bed With No Strings Attached!"

    Like I said, kind of in a rush. But I hope this helps.

    All the best,

    Angel
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    • Profile picture of the author gacott
      Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

      Not much time, but most of the copy is pretty good. I think the bullets can be strengthened and made more juicy. For example...

      -The Number One Secret that turns a woman into a sex-crazed animal, ready to jump your bones!

      or

      -How to kick your shyness to the curve and walk up to a woman like a man in charge

      In this market, that kind of thing really gets the prospects going. From what I see, you're not talking to the fella' trying to find a girl. It's more like a more raunchy PUA.

      Lastly, I think the headline could be shot up with some adrenaline.

      Consider getting rid of the "get over that broken heart" part.

      For the headline, I think something that REALLY gets the engine roaring.

      Tired of reading all those thinly disguised dating and seduction books... or taking bogus advice from women on how to get other women?

      Well, read on, because this letter is going to shake things up in your life...

      "Dirty Rotten ******* Spits In The Face of Seduction Experts And Reveals His Proven Techniques For Getting A Woman Out Of Her Clothes And Into Your Bed With No Strings Attached!"

      Like I said, kind of in a rush. But I hope this helps.

      All the best,

      Angel
      Great stuff, I think you are totally getting where I am trying to go with this, thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Hi Garrett,

    I like the approach, but feel it can be refined a little bit...

    1. Is this for lesbians? Because the hand holding the heart in your header is definitely NOT a mans hand so your target market might not think its for them
    2. You need to improve the formatting for easier reading
    3. Your using a female pen name? It doesn't jive with the DRB copy that's written
    4. There's a ton of other stuff that needs improvement but here's a little taste to get you started

    Best of Luck,

    Justin
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    • Profile picture of the author gacott
      Originally Posted by Justin Mandel View Post

      Hi Garrett,

      I like the approach, but feel it can be refined a little bit...

      1. Is this for lesbians? Because the hand holding the heart in your header is definitely NOT a mans hand so your target market might not think its for them
      2. You need to improve the formatting for easier reading
      3. Your using a female pen name? It doesn't jive with the DRB copy that's written
      4. There's a ton of other stuff that needs improvement but here's a little taste to get you started

      Best of Luck,

      Justin
      1. LOL, it's meant to support the "broken heart" thing. The girl with the crushed heart in her hand. Wouldn't do well to have a guy crushing another's heart would it? :-)

      2. k

      3. Nope, the name should work for both . . . a fair amount of research went into both names. "Addison is primarily a girls' name, but it is used for boys 29.99 percent of the time."

      4. Thanks. :-)

      Garret
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve Johnson
    The photo of the hand at the top of the screen makes the term "I just want to get laid" seem out of context. When I visit this site and see those words against the photo of the clenched hand, I'm confused if this is about sex or if that phrase is being used as a cliche for something else.

    Maybe use a photo of a guy and girl about to hit the sack.
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