Be honest with me.

by andybeveridge

Posted: 14 years ago 19 replies

COPY WRITING

I am doing my best to learn how to write decent copy. I do not intend to ever sell this as a service. I will leave that to the people who really know what they are doing.
For me it is just about being able to write my own squeeze pages. So I am hoping that someone will give me a couple of minutes of their time, and glance over this landing page. Be as critical as you want. It is no good me thinking that it is good if it's not.

Here is the link trafficformulasecret.com

#honest

Dean Jackson 14 years ago

It doesn't explain anything about HOW you're going to get the subscriber more traffic, what your going to send them, how getting more traffic will benefit the sub, or even how MUCH traffic their going to get.

Use bulletpoints. Matter of fact, go to the top of this forum and apply as much of the checklist too.

And your headline isn't doing any favors for you either. You should be as specific as possible.

By the way, why such an odd layout for the squeeze page? Use a standard squeeze page and have an image of your report. Theres also NO reason to trust you. Why are you giving the course away... who are you... ?

I could go on but you should have your hands full for a little while

Hope this helps.

- Dean
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andybeveridge 14 years ago

I did say be honest, so thank you. As I am that far off getting it right, perhaps its just best carry on paying someone.
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ELVISTHEPELVIS 14 years ago

I personally don't like the font. And if it was me I think I would try to go into more depth about lack of traffic.

"Are you struggling to get your business off of the ground? Is it frustrating you to have worked so hard on creating a great site only to have it not being seen by anyone?"

Brian
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andybeveridge 14 years ago

Straight away that sounds tons better than my efforts. Can you imagine what my previous efforts were like, because I think I have improved.
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etsukokunzman Banned 14 years ago

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- anne1 14 years ago
  
  Add a photo and two column-style...
  
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Nathan Alexander 14 years ago

I would differentiate the font size, bolding, italics etc.

Make the page look more friendly by breaking up the monotony. It will look better on the eyes if you make on or two a quick sub-head and maybe align right?

It would help to know how they're finding you (this site) as well to know how the headline could be improved upon.

If they're looking for ways to better their traffic, you should include specifics like mentioned above. Otherwise if it's a more "open" approach target their pain spots with their business not getting sales/traffic like they want (in the headline.)

The difference?

If you have to convince them they need more traffic the headline should speak to that. If they already know they need (and want) more traffic you should talk about the "9 easy but under-looked traffic methods you should be using to get fresh leads right now" or some such.

Talk about what your free course does to give them an idea you mean business. It just depends on the quality of your leads.

Otherwise, "pretty" it up a bit by breaking the above-the-fold area up into "eye-managing" chunks.

EDIT: Oh, and I'm not a fan of the line, "Today you have landed on the answer."

It just didn't flow. Let them think it themselves with that line space better used to talk about exactly what they're getting by opt-ing in with you. They'll decide if they landed on the right spot or not.

...but that's just my impression.
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- Stephen Dean 14 years ago
  
  I think you're making it harder than it is. And if not, you're at least working too hard on the wrong parts.
  
  Some solid tips from the trenches...
  
  1) Don't use exclamation points. That's not a rule for everyone, but it's a good rule for nearly all beginners. They're more likely to raise suspicions than raise excitement.
  
  2) It's better to show it than say it. ("You have landed on the right page." "Today you have landed on the answer.") This is kind of like someone bragging they're the best basketball player, best soccer player, best pool player... it's a turn off to anyone listening.
  
  But if you SHOW people you're the best basketball player, soccer player, etc... then THEY'LL say it for you and admire you for it. So use proof to back up any claims, immediately after the claim is made. And stay away from arbitrary claims of being the best.
  
  3) The formatting is going to scare people away. It's like being hit by a brick wall of text with little reason to read it.
  
  4) The opt-in form should be above the fold. And using audio or video on auto-play will increase conversions.
  
  5) It's always a good idea to start by modeling success. Who do you think has the best squeeze page out there? Why not model their page rather than starting from scratch?
  
  There's no reason to give up, I think you just need to channel your efforts a bit more deliberately. If you're working hard to create a squeeze page, you save yourself a lot of effort by modeling others. It's easier than reinventing the wheel, you'll have more success and you're less likely to burn yourself out.
  
  Hope that helps. And I dedicate a section on my blog to squeeze pages and many of my strategies revolve around them.
  
  Copywriting Dean*|*Archive*|*Squeeze Pages
  Secrets To A Champagne Product Launch*|*Copywriting Dean
  
  Cheers,
  Stephen Dean
  
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Derek Scott 14 years ago

I personally thought it was pretty interesting with some useful information in it. But there is a few things that could have been better about it.
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skoh

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

Try leading with this:

Lure Hundreds of Hungry Customers to Your Site in 24 Hours.

If you don't have traffic, you don't have squat.

Directly address your readers with "you."

Use the word "because."

You need Traffic Formula Secret because you deserve to succeed.

Etc, etc.

Hope this helps.

I like this and here is why; I've found that after studying a lot of the people making great copy out there that you need what is called presuppositions. That is, the idea that if you do x you will be y and it's implied that you do this. ;o I could go on but I need to focus more on my efforts atm .> Darn Warrior forum stealin my time. I'll try to get back to you on what i've learned so far.

Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill

If you don't have traffic, you don't have squat.

this is a presupposition and you need a lot of them

if you don't have x you wont have y

kern does this all the time.

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jtunkelo 14 years ago

Simply too hard to read. Doesn't even matter what the copy says; nobody will read a page full of single spaced bold face type.

Also, too chatty. Just come out and say what it is, who is it for, and hint at what the thing actually is that you're selling.

Why mess with proven structures? All you really need is a real hook, use that in a headline, then follow up with a few enticing bullets (you know your benefits, don't you) and then give them a REASON to opt in.

Stop trying to convince them, just tell them. Communicate clearly. Only then will it make sense to spruce it up with power words and whatnot.
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andybeveridge 14 years ago

Well thanks everyone for being so honest. The wounds are deep but they will heal in time.
I have been marketing for two years now, and have learned to operate in so many different areas. You have to learn new skills all the time, but perhaps this is one area that I should stay away from. Good job that I didn't let you loose on my first attempt. That saying it does convert at 26%, but it has video as well.

So now you can tell me how much you charge for putting together what I have so poorly attempted.
Seriously pm me with your costs. I do have the work.
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skoh 14 years ago

If you want your copy to convert more than 2% of your total visitors it will cost you some $.(presupposition) Fortunately for you ONLY I will do it for much less than you would pay a professional.

I will take my time since I'm new with copy but I will guarantee your conversion rates to be higher than 2%, if not you will get your money back.

I ask that you don't think too long as I might get caught up in other affairs of my own. (scarcity)

I could go on and on.

LET'S CONVERT YOUR TRAFFIC!
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madison_avenue 14 years ago

Hi Andy, this is how I would begin. Feel free to use it if you wish.

Need more traffic?

On the internet looks aren't everything...but traffic is.

Sure there are some amazing looking web-sites on the internet, yours might be one of them, but shall I let you into a secret?

Most of them don't make a dime. Why? Because they've got no traffic.
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- mrdomains 14 years ago
  
  Do you need more traffic to your site?
  
  This is too abstract. The question assumes the reader is capable of determining the answer. Do you need more A vitamin supplements? Hmm, do I? I´m not sure..
  Even
  Looking for more traffic to your sites?
  is better
  
  Headline needs more bang.
  
  Discover The Power of Vitamin A!
  Why is Vitamin A So Vital?
  More Traffic = More Money!
  Boost Your Profit with a Blast of Traffic!
  Discover How To Flood Your Site With Traffic!
  etc
  
  More awkward stuff:
  Today you have landed on the answer.
  
  How can I "land" on an answer?
  
  We are giving away a FREE course on traffic building.
  
  bad grammar and sounds really weird, "building" is a verb, action, "traffic building" is certainly not the same as the act of "building traffic "
  
  "give and free" are not good together since they multiply the cheapness, try "receive and free", or "give and exclusive", etc
  
  "course" - you probably wanted to make the product feel massive and valuable, but "course" implies study, hard work, continuity - does not go well with the target person that gets hooked by free items - those want immediate, swift, simple answers. course, many editions, massive material, goes better with the person that is holding a CC and wants value for the buck
  
  couse could be "answer" "solution" "shortcut" "secret" "technique"
  
  Congratulations! You have landed on the right page.
  
  page? why limit the scope? That line makes me, as a visitor, think there isn´t a lot to the idea/product/service
  
  etc etc
  I suggest you do a total makeover. Or perhaps getting someone to do it may be a faster and more productive approach.
  
  Do you know that you can have the best looking website selling the best product, and still fail!
  
  If you do not know the secret to driving targeted traffic then your site is already dead!
  
  Today you have landed on the answer.
  
  We are giving away a FREE course on traffic building.
  
  Nothing is left out.
  
  Every few days another valuable lesson will drop into your inbox.
  
  We will be adding to it all the time. You get all the updates.
  
  You will never need to worry about traffic again.
  
  Just add your email and start learning the real traffic secrets that you simply must know if you want your site to be successful.
  
  Welcome to Traffic Formula Secret .
  
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  Free action plan : Think less. Do more.
  
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johnyeo90 14 years ago

Words words words..people afraid of words nowsaday..maybe you can put a nice ebook cover and then decrease the amount of words..i means just make some bullet point will be good too.
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burnbebe 14 years ago

Well, I guess they've said it all. You think you can implement the necessary changes by yourself? Or is it too overwhelming a task for you? If you have the budget, yes, by all means, hire someone who can improve on your points.

And I like your attitude of taking criticisms. It's a good way to assuring yourself success. =)
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pethanks 14 years ago

Yes, I will spend time to read everything in the site.
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WickedWally 14 years ago

Do you need more traffic to your site?

YOU DO.

Your page has an Alexa of 3.5 million... You can't be selling something about traffic and not have some yourself.

At least get to 350,000...

Tips.

1 - Put the optin box above the fold (that means the visitors don't have to scroll to see the box)

2 - Remove the "We respect your email privacy" link (don't let the visitors click on a link that brings them to another page where they'll get distracted and forget about your message)

3 - Remove the "Powered by Aweber" link (same reason as above)

4 - Where's your eCover for this squeeze?

5 - The copy is attrociously written. And wassup with the centre justify for the whole block of text?... wassup with bolding everything?... if you bold everything, you're bolding nothing.

6 - Where's the bullet points?

7 - Where's the benefits list?

8 - Who the heck are you to teach me about traffic? Proof?

9 - "Every few days another valuable lesson will drop into your inbox"... for how long 25 years?

10 - "Nothing is left out"... except everything.

Google this "10 squeeze page tips"

Get to it...now.
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Be honest with me.

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