Critique Our Raw Sales Copy

Hi copypilot,

Well, you did ask.

The reason why it's rare to see a sales page like this is because they don't work anywhere near as well as the conventional sales LETTER, in the form of a personal letter from the product owner to the prospect.

I agree you start out in that direction with your headline and deck copy ...

CopyPilot delivers aesthetic product websites that are automated, rapidly edited, and have the best SEO(Search Engine Optimization) possible for a website.

Whether you would like to sell physical goods, digital goods, automate order processing and customer mailing lists groups, or have complete control of your website from the theme to the content of pages, CopyPilot CMS is the comprehensive solution.

... but, you don't inject any compulsion to read on.

And the rest of the page needs to follow on in conversational style, with all your features listed as bullet points, which highlight the benefits, rather than the features.

Your prospect has a problem. So the job of the sales letter is to define the problem and then introduce your product and show them how your product will solve that problem.

The prospect will only be fired up enough to buy the product if you show them what your product will DO for them.

Right now, your page is largely telling them what your product IS - not what it will DO for them.

Also there's no reason to buy right now.

You see, allowing your prospect go away and 'think about it' is fatal, because there a million distractions out there - all vying for his business and his money.

So, again, that's where a conversational style letter scores, by injecting urgency into the conversation and tickling the prospect's hot buttons so they are fired up and BUY right away.

I haven't researched the product, but I'm guessing you combine the CMS ability of WordPress with the flexability of something like XsitePro.

In that case, a better headline could be ...



Warmest regards,

Paul

1. It's a hard read. Several reasons. There are many grammatical errors. It doesn't flow. It's not conversational. It feels like you took a snapshot of your company's brochure and turned it into a website. Brochures support but they do not sell.

2. The graphics design is not conducive to the sales process. It's rather boring, and it makes reading the copy even harder. Plus the chart is a joke. Wordpress is your competition? C'Mon...

3. Strategically speaking, where is the free trial? Where is the irresistible offer? Where's the guarantee?

You're competing on price. Except when someone puts their online business in your hands, they are thinking about a lot more things than price.

By the way, how does one actually buy?

What on earth are you selling?


Who's your market?...nerds?


Here >> Ultimate Marketing Centre <<


And here >> SiteSell.com<<


Copy these guys.


*cracks knuckles*


Your benefits are what Makepeace would call "Faux Benefits"


From your website --> "CopyPilot generates only pure lightweight HTML for all your pages to provide the fastest search indexing by web bots possible - with no painful Mod_Rewrite setup or HTML programming involved."


What the hell does that mean!??


(note: please do not cry, this is a critique)



The feature you are talking about is SEO. And what does SEO do for those who use your product?

• Kick your competition to the curb by dominating keywords your customers are typing into the search engines...
• Sweep up a larger market share and bathe in money when you literally take over page 1 of the worlds largest search engines...
• Be the champion of your industry on the internet, you'll finally be the go to expert your customers seek...

There.


Work on those.


And speak ENGLISH first will you... leave talk like this >> "with no painful Mod_Rewrite setup or HTML programming involved".... after selling with real benefits.


Get to it.

I don't think personally, that is even considered copywriting. You seriously need someone to help you with your work.

Don't worry I was just like you when I first started.

The good news is you know where to find people to help you.

Wicked Wally makes me not want to read threads...

Take your letter, make a full website out of it. Break it into 4 or 5 pages.

Like this: Jewelboxing - Super Jewel Box Packaging System - CD and DVD Cases

- HR

" Bypass SEO Penalties Unlike other systems (such as Wordpress™ or Joomla™) CopyPilot generates pure, unmarked HTML for all site pages.
This means search engines cannot detect what was used to create it and thus allows CopyPilot to bypass SEO penalties that are placed on respective CMS’s for not adhering to expected content submissions.
CopyPilot Accomplishes this all while still fully functioning as a CMS allowing you to avoid the hassle of HTML programming. "


-that part of your site was good, effective and can catchy to many members or people in the internet.

Hi,

A couple of points re format:

Your header is too large. The most valuable real estate is "above the fold"...what people see when they first land on your page. Half of that should not be header. It should have a headline that compels the reader to keep reading (and scroll down).

Your sales page should be devoted to only one thing..you have invitations to follow you, and opt in box, and ads for a couple of books. The "click here" is almost hidden at the bottom of your text. It should scream, and the reader should have no options other than "click here" or leave the site. Then, when they leave, you could have a popup that gets them to opt in for your list. (Except now Google doesn't like that for Adwords)

Hope this helps

Virginia