Critique This Bad Boy... Already converting like crazy

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Matt Jutras

It's damn good.

I used to play that game all the time. The letter really pokes at the frustrations of a person who is stuck in the mud with their character.

Also, the offer is solid. Good price, too.

I honestly see no need to change it.

This is some pretty tightly written copy. And if it's converting well, I can't say much without knowing more about the market.

But let me think about it. Might come up with something.

Kudos to the writer.

Best,

Angel

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2952680].message }}

arfasaira 14 years ago

I say why fix it if its not broken?

Its very well written and hits all the hotspots.

Whoever wrote it did a very good job.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
"Sales Letter Conversion Rate At 19%??" Get Your Own Kick-Ass Converting Copy Here!
Need More Clients? Click here...
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2953080].message }}
- MikeHumphreys 14 years ago
  
  Rhys,
  
  The copy looks solid to me as well.
  
  I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this as I recognize his writing & layout style. I'd go back to your copywriter and ask him what he'd charge you to craft some new headlines and other split-testing elements.
  
  Best of luck,
  
  Mike
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  Kickstart Your Copywriting Business: How To Get Loads of New Clients FAST!
  
  Kick-A$$ Eight-Figure Producing Copywriting Gun For Hire | Marketing & Copywriting Blog
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2953179].message }}
  
  Lan8Inc 14 years ago
  
  My question is this:
  
  Your page says it's sold out and is not accepting clicks to the pay button...so what is the issue with conversions?
  
  Silly me for asking a dumb question.
  
  Seems your Title line should read...Already CONVERTED like crazy, since the info refers to 2009.
  
  What am I missing?
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2953232].message }}

Rhys Davies

14 years ago

It's not about fixing it. Think of it as adding a new kitchen to a house... make even more moolah in the long run.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2953162].message }}

Rhys Davies

14 years ago

Huh? Not sure what you mean lol

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2953243].message }}

Irish Intuition

14 years ago

PERFECT copywriting style for this product. Nicely done

I'd like to buy this copywriter a beer... or would it be a pint?

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2953552].message }}

Bruce Wedding

14 years ago

Well, in typical fashion, I'm going to run against the current

You DO have a good sales letter, no doubt. But there is always room for improvement. You are hitting the benefits in your headline but not as hard as I would. We copywriter's have a wicked tool we love to use when available, and it is with you. It's Specificity.

Let me give you a headline to test. Here is yours:

"Discover the top Secret Methods, Cheats, And Tricks That Will Get You More Cars, Weapons And Money Than ANYBODY Else -- Fast!

[/font]

Here is what I propose:

Master Mafia Don Reveals…

“The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!”

Keep reading to see how you can do the same in less than 17 days…

Not sure about the 17 days but you get the idea. I'm not a fan of long headlines, but I think this is ok for your audience.

[ 8 ] Thanks
4 replies

Signature

$2,300 in a Week With Teespring

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2953869].message }}

Rezbi

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

Well, in typical fashion, I'm going to run against the current

You DO have a good sales letter, no doubt. But there is always room for improvement. You are hitting the benefits in your headline but not as hard as I would. We copywriter's have a wicked tool we love to use when available, and it is with you. It's Specificity.

Let me give you a headline to test. Here is yours:

"Discover the top Secret Methods, Cheats, And Tricks That Will Get You More Cars, Weapons And Money Than ANYBODY Else -- Fast!

[/font]

Here is what I propose:

Master Mafia Don Reveals...

"The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!"

Keep reading to see how you can do the same in less than 17 days...

Not sure about the 17 days but you get the idea. I'm not a fan of long headlines, but I think this is ok for your audience.

I'd certainly be interested in seeing the results of a split test with these
two.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2957159].message }}

PMinc

14 years ago

Master Mafia Don Reveals...

"The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!"

That headline would make this the second Mafia Wars product to make a reference to China...

Be the Bully. Fight the China vs. Taiwan Way!
How to Never Lose a Fight or Get Robbed Again and Crush all your Opposition

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2962491].message }}

ARSuarez

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Jim Stone

Also, I would try giving away one killer tip right in the sales letter -- your best tip if you can. something they've never heard before, and that will give them immediate benefits whether they buy your guide or not. Something so clever they slap their heads when they hear it. If you've got a tip like that, give it to them, and then tell them there's "plenty more where that came from".

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

Excellent tip, Jim. I thought of the same thing after my first post, then forgot it again. That's a Bencivenga Crackerjack Surprise. And be sure to let them know in the deck copy that the tip is in the letter.

I really love this technique. I've used it in a lot of letters with info products and fitness guides. I told the publisher of some Yoga DVD's I was writing the copy for to include a single, powerful technique right from the program. A video clip, since it was being done online.

We're getting to roll it out, so I'm anticipating those particular results.

Was it Bencivenga who came up with it? I originally heard Gene Schwartz discuss it when he was lecturing Phillips Publishing (the "burn disease out of your body" ad, which is a great ad).

Best,

Angel

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963475].message }}

Bruce Wedding

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ARSuarez

Was it Bencivenga who came up with it? I originally heard Gene Schwartz discuss it when he was lecturing Phillips Publishing (the "burn disease out of your body" ad, which is a great ad).

I'm not sure if it was or not, he's just the guy I learned it from.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

$2,300 in a Week With Teespring

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963551].message }}

ARSuarez 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

I'm not sure if it was or not, he's just the guy I learned it from.

Either way, great technique. And should definitely be tested out in this copy.

Best,

Angel
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963743].message }}

Rhys Davies

14 years ago

Good thinking Bruce.

The graphics were added after the copy was written and I edited in exact numbers. So the copywriter didn't have them to use.

Forgot about the headline!

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

Well, in typical fashion, I'm going to run against the current

You DO have a good sales letter, no doubt. But there is always room for improvement. You are hitting the benefits in your headline but not as hard as I would. We copywriter's have a wicked tool we love to use when available, and it is with you. It's Specificity.

Let me give you a headline to test. Here is yours:

"Discover the top Secret Methods, Cheats, And Tricks That Will Get You More Cars, Weapons And Money Than ANYBODY Else -- Fast!

[/font]

Here is what I propose:

Master Mafia Don Reveals...

"The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!"

Keep reading to see how you can do the same in less than 17 days...

Not sure about the 17 days but you get the idea. I'm not a fan of long headlines, but I think this is ok for your audience.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963897].message }}

Bruce Wedding

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Rhys Davies

Good thinking Bruce.

The graphics were added after the copy was written and I edited in exact numbers. So the copywriter didn't have them to use.

Forgot about the headline!

I understand. It just jumped out at me when I saw the proof you have, to be specific about it in the headline. Who wouldn't want $827 billion dollars and 8000 vehicles?

Anyway, if you're really going to test it, let me know and I'll massage it a little more. I wrote that in 10 minutes.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

$2,300 in a Week With Teespring

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963979].message }}

Irish Intuition

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

I understand. It just jumped out at me when I saw the proof you have, to be specific about it in the headline. Who wouldn't want $827 billion dollars and 8000 vehicles?

Anyway, if you're really going to test it, let me know and I'll massage it a little more. I wrote that in 10 minutes.

You're showing me some chops in this thread Bruce.

I like knowing who really knows their shizzit. You are now one of my faves
on here (which may disturb you more than be a compliment)

I love people who tell it like it is and back it up.

Your headline option rocks (IMHO and without any testing to back it up

)

Thanks

Signature

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2964590].message }}

Rhys Davies

14 years ago

OK.

The results are in.

I changed the headline to contain specifics, that weren't be should have been there.

This was tested on a select source of traffic and it actually increased conversions by 1.4%

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

Well, in typical fashion, I'm going to run against the current

You DO have a good sales letter, no doubt. But there is always room for improvement. You are hitting the benefits in your headline but not as hard as I would. We copywriter's have a wicked tool we love to use when available, and it is with you. It's Specificity.

Let me give you a headline to test. Here is yours:

"Discover the top Secret Methods, Cheats, And Tricks That Will Get You More Cars, Weapons And Money Than ANYBODY Else -- Fast!

[/font]

Here is what I propose:

Master Mafia Don Reveals...

"The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!"

Keep reading to see how you can do the same in less than 17 days...

Not sure about the 17 days but you get the idea. I'm not a fan of long headlines, but I think this is ok for your audience.

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2970588].message }}

Bruce Wedding

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Rhys Davies

OK.

The results are in.

I changed the headline to contain specifics, that weren't be should have been there.

This was tested on a select source of traffic and it actually increased conversions by 1.4%

Cool, glad to help

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

$2,300 in a Week With Teespring

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2970730].message }}

ewenmack 14 years ago

Hi Rhys,

Good to hear you went ahead and tested Bruce's headline...
and got a lift in response.

Would you do the same for mine?

I can help you work in the lead if you like.

All the best,
Ewen
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2970994].message }}

Raydal

14 years ago

One change I would make. If the conversions are that high then
I would raise the price and see what the market can bear. High
conversions can mean loss in profit because of the low price.

-Ray Edwards

[ 4 ] Thanks

Signature

The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2953817].message }}

richard_s_smith

14 years ago

Great stuff Rhys, congrats on your success and copy. Spot on about specificity, Bruce, great edit. Thanks.

Thanks

Signature

Love the life you live so you can live the life you love.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2955226].message }}

richard_s_smith

14 years ago

You have a point Raydal. Rhys, let us know if you did a price bump and the outcome.

Thanks

Signature

Love the life you live so you can live the life you love.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2955233].message }}

valleytech

14 years ago

Looks very solid nice work!

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2955278].message }}

Vincenzo Oliva

14 years ago

Without knowing too much about the niche I'd say you've got a winner.
I can recommended testing one variable at a time to increase conversions even further.
-a word or 2 in the headline
-call to action
-a scarcity "limited time" offer for sure.
-a unique twist or promise (they've just got to know).

Holy $^@ing @hit there's over 165k searches for "Mafia war cheats" and only 2200 with exact intitle :-0 $$$

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2958395].message }}

ARSuarez

14 years ago

Rhys,

Congratulations.

You posted the first piece of copy on here I've ever seen that wasn't drawn and quartered by the other warriors.

Best,

Angel

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2959681].message }}

Bruce Wedding 14 years ago

Originally Posted by ARSuarez

Rhys,

Congratulations.

You posted the first piece of copy on here I've ever seen that wasn't drawn and quartered by the other warriors.
l

Which says a lot about the quality of copywriters available and how hard it is to find a kickass copywriter like the one that wrote this letter... my first mentor and still good friend.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
Signature

$2,300 in a Week With Teespring
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2959766].message }}

Topgunb

14 years ago

Hey Rhys,

Normally I would have something to say, but in your case I can't speak without knowing the stats.

Only Improvement I can suggest - that may bring in more sales is

wait for it

INSTANT COMMISSION PAYMENTS .....

Affiliates will promote the bottom out of your product, when they see the results immediatly in their paypal account.... this motivates them

eg
This model favours affiliate and will result in more sales
1st sale 100% for affilaite ...... always looks good
2nd sale 100% for affiliate
3rd sale 100% for affiliate
4th sale 0% for affilate

You can be cheap and put yourself at the top of the list, but truth be told it will hurt your sales.

Goes to What is in it for the affiliate that does the promotion.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

swdcomputers@gmail.com For the best real deal in town!

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2959783].message }}

Ross Bowring 14 years ago

Kudos to whoever authored this. They did a bang-up job.

Definitely test Bruce's headline.

--- Ross
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2960178].message }}

davemiz

14 years ago

lol.... theres this thing... it's called split testing...

you can just change the price... test say... 3 prices.

Instant pay raise.

Any questions?

I know fellow warrior Mark Widawer has a cool (free) site all about split testing:
Optimizers Club: Let us make all YOUR webpages more profitable for free.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

â€œJudge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.â€
― Dalai Lama XIV

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2960584].message }}

ewenmack 14 years ago

Hi Rhys,
Another headline for you to split test.

All the best,
Ewen

"When A Stash Of Big
Boy's Toy's Matter...

Plus Grabbing The Cash
And Weapons To Wipe
Out Even The Biggest,
Baddest, Mafia Mobster...

Then hang on to your seat while
this Mafia Wars Kingpin reveals..."
- [ 1 ] Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2960874].message }}

Jim Stone

14 years ago

At the very least, I'd test $19.95 against $17.

You might try $24.95 and $14.95 as well.

You might even go bigger with $49 and see what happens.

I've seen many suggest getting away from ending everything in 7s, and going back to traditional price points that were well tested in the 80s and 90s by television infomarketers.

Also, I would try giving away one killer tip right in the sales letter -- your best tip if you can. something they've never heard before, and that will give them immediate benefits whether they buy your guide or not. Something so clever they slap their heads when they hear it. If you've got a tip like that, give it to them, and then tell them there's "plenty more where that came from".

Jim

[ 4 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2961432].message }}

Bruce Wedding

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Jim Stone

Also, I would try giving away one killer tip right in the sales letter -- your best tip if you can. something they've never heard before, and that will give them immediate benefits whether they buy your guide or not. Something so clever they slap their heads when they hear it. If you've got a tip like that, give it to them, and then tell them there's "plenty more where that came from".

Excellent tip, Jim. I thought of the same thing after my first post, then forgot it again. That's a Bencivenga Crackerjack Surprise. And be sure to let them know in the deck copy that the tip is in the letter.

Thanks

Signature

$2,300 in a Week With Teespring

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2961566].message }}

ArgusTargus

14 years ago

I wanted to quote the text from the website, but I couldn't do a copy and paste. Can anyone tell me how this is done? It's clever.

To make outrageous claims that people know are just "not true", don't people just slam this as a low level product and even spammier in nature? For example, the reason for wanting to share the secret is because the author needs more competition.

A lot of people commented that it is a good piece of copywriting, it may be a great wordsmith but what about the truth?

Thanks
3 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963782].message }}

ewenmack 14 years ago

Originally Posted by ArgusTargus

A lot of people commented that it is a good piece of copywriting, it may be a great wordsmith but what about the truth?

Would you like to submit a headline and opening
for the owner to split test?

The market will give you the answer to your question.

All the best,
Ewen
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963843].message }}

Rhys Davies

14 years ago

Not sure what you're going on about?

Originally Posted by ArgusTargus

I wanted to quote the text from the website, but I couldn't do a copy and paste. Can anyone tell me how this is done? It's clever.

To make outrageous claims that people know are just "not true", don't people just slam this as a low level product and even spammier in nature? For example, the reason for wanting to share the secret is because the author needs more competition.

A lot of people commented that it is a good piece of copywriting, it may be a great wordsmith but what about the truth?

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963874].message }}

ArgusTargus

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Would you like to submit a headline and opening
for the owner to split test?

The market will give you the answer to your question.

All the best,
Ewen

Ok, I agree... Split test will help you to compare multiple different pages. But, I was commenting on the truthfulness of the message.

Originally Posted by Rhys Davies

Not sure what you're going on about?

Don't take it the wrong way. All I am saying is the copywriting quality looks pretty good, but I have a problem in believing the message being conveyed.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963917].message }}

Rhys Davies

14 years ago

I'm not taking it the wrong way. It's just if someone thinks bad of my products/services I like to know why...

Can be fixed if its wrong/broken then

Last thing I want from my products is people to be pissed off/not like them.

Originally Posted by ArgusTargus

Ok, I agree... Split test will help you to compare multiple different pages. But, I was commenting on the truthfulness of the message.

Don't take it the wrong way. All I am saying is the copywriting quality looks pretty good, but I have a problem in believing the message being conveyed.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963952].message }}

ARSuarez

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ArgusTargus

I wanted to quote the text from the website, but I couldn't do a copy and paste. Can anyone tell me how this is done? It's clever.

To make outrageous claims that people know are just "not true", don't people just slam this as a low level product and even spammier in nature? For example, the reason for wanting to share the secret is because the author needs more competition.

A lot of people commented that it is a good piece of copywriting, it may be a great wordsmith but what about the truth?

I agree with Rhys.

Please explain what you're trying to say. Sorry, but it's going right over my head.

Are you saying the information presented in this ad isn't true?

Regards,

Angel

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2963910].message }}

chika138

14 years ago

That is a neat eye-catching copy.
And I enjoy the discussion in this thread so far

Learn great deals as a newbie in copywriting

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2964487].message }}

jukeboxhero

14 years ago

I dig the copy

Here's the other areas where you could be leaving money on the table...

Choose whatever applies, I've tripled conversions by tweaking these things on a few of my sites...

What's your presell look like?

What do your auto responder sequences look like?

Whats your cart abandonment rate? Test awards, seals, product images, testimonials, contact info... This SOB can be a doozy

What upsets do you have in your cart?

Are you maximizing thank you page space w/upsells and affiliate offers

What's you return rate?
Do you use a follow up autoresponder with more social proof, suggestions to get them engaged, demonizing those weirdo return people

There's just a few cash pumps that many folks overlook while their tinkering with headline colors

Thanks

Signature

If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

>>>> This <<<<

Shouldn't You Pay Attention

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2980886].message }}

Daniel Scott

14 years ago

It's sexy...

...mind if I ask who wrote it?

Feel free to PM me if you don't want it blasted out in the open.

-Daniel

Thanks

Signature

Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2991667].message }}

Nick Brighton

14 years ago

Wow, 1.4% increase is pretty impressive for such a simple tweak.

It's also cool to see classic techniques being implemented and having a positive effect on someone's business.

I'm hoping there were some large beers bought for Bruce here.

P.S - Who wrote the copy? I'm always looking to learn from new writers.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2994993].message }}

ARSuarez 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Nick Brighton

P.S - Who wrote the copy? I'm always looking to learn from new writers.

Thinking about it, yeah. Can you PM who wrote the ad?
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3059565].message }}

PracticalCopywriting

14 years ago

It's actually very good.

I'd add more bullets, improve your guarantee (make it hard, he must get a certain result or you'll give him your money back).

That's all.

Keep it up,
Practical Copywriting

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2999603].message }}

padre 14 years ago

Thanks for posting this Rhys. And many thanks to all of the contributors. This thread is a nice lesson in tweaking copy.

Cheers
- Thanks
- 1 reply
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2999683].message }}
- up 14 years ago
  
  +1 for wanting to know who wrote that copy!
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3043234].message }}

MonsterZero

14 years ago

If the headline tweak increased conversions, then why are you still running the old one?

[ 1 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3043441].message }}

colmodwyer

14 years ago

Nice one Bruce!

Rhys, kudos to you too for actually testing.

Colm

Thanks

Signature

www.FreeSwipeFile.com -- Free Archive of Sales Letters for Copywriters and Marketers...

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3043467].message }}

lennoxtran

14 years ago

nice market targeting and sexy sales page. congrats on the site.

bruce- nice headline.

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3043901].message }}

reenapayel

14 years ago

Titillate with Your Titles: I've learned that long, verbose and titillating titles will almost ALWAYS outperform short, concise ones...both on the article directories themselves (For directory driven traffic) as well as the search engine results, where people searching tend to gravitate to content that has an "eye candy" quality. the longer the better.