Critique This Bad Boy... Already converting like crazy

55 replies
So I had this salespage written, maybe 8 months or so ago. Something like that anyway.

Converts like frickin crazy. Few Thousand dollars a month.

Just wondering if you warrior would add/change/delete any part of the copy to try and increase conversions even more.

Mafia Wars Guide | Mafia Wars Annihilation
#bad #boy #converting #crazy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
    Originally Posted by Matt Jutras View Post

    It's damn good.

    I used to play that game all the time. The letter really pokes at the frustrations of a person who is stuck in the mud with their character.

    Also, the offer is solid. Good price, too.

    I honestly see no need to change it.
    This is some pretty tightly written copy. And if it's converting well, I can't say much without knowing more about the market.

    But let me think about it. Might come up with something.

    Kudos to the writer.

    Best,

    Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author Rhys Davies
    It's not about fixing it. Think of it as adding a new kitchen to a house... make even more moolah in the long run.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rhys Davies
    Huh? Not sure what you mean lol
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  • Profile picture of the author Irish Intuition
    PERFECT copywriting style for this product. Nicely done

    I'd like to buy this copywriter a beer... or would it be a pint?
    Signature




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    • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
      Well, in typical fashion, I'm going to run against the current

      You DO have a good sales letter, no doubt. But there is always room for improvement. You are hitting the benefits in your headline but not as hard as I would. We copywriter's have a wicked tool we love to use when available, and it is with you. It's Specificity.

      Let me give you a headline to test. Here is yours:



      "Discover the top Secret Methods, Cheats, And Tricks That Will Get You More Cars, Weapons And Money Than ANYBODY Else -- Fast!

      [/font]

      Here is what I propose:



      Master Mafia Don Reveals…


      “The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!”


      Keep reading to see how you can do the same in less than 17 days…



      Not sure about the 17 days but you get the idea. I'm not a fan of long headlines, but I think this is ok for your audience.
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      • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
        Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

        Well, in typical fashion, I'm going to run against the current

        You DO have a good sales letter, no doubt. But there is always room for improvement. You are hitting the benefits in your headline but not as hard as I would. We copywriter's have a wicked tool we love to use when available, and it is with you. It's Specificity.

        Let me give you a headline to test. Here is yours:



        "Discover the top Secret Methods, Cheats, And Tricks That Will Get You More Cars, Weapons And Money Than ANYBODY Else -- Fast!

        [/font]

        Here is what I propose:



        Master Mafia Don Reveals...


        "The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!"


        Keep reading to see how you can do the same in less than 17 days...



        Not sure about the 17 days but you get the idea. I'm not a fan of long headlines, but I think this is ok for your audience.
        I'd certainly be interested in seeing the results of a split test with these
        two.
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      • Profile picture of the author PMinc
        Master Mafia Don Reveals...

        "The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!"

        That headline would make this the second Mafia Wars product to make a reference to China...


        Be the Bully. Fight the China vs. Taiwan Way!
        How to Never Lose a Fight or Get Robbed Again and Crush all your Opposition
        Signature


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        • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
          Originally Posted by Jim Stone View Post

          Also, I would try giving away one killer tip right in the sales letter -- your best tip if you can. something they've never heard before, and that will give them immediate benefits whether they buy your guide or not. Something so clever they slap their heads when they hear it. If you've got a tip like that, give it to them, and then tell them there's "plenty more where that came from".
          Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

          Excellent tip, Jim. I thought of the same thing after my first post, then forgot it again. That's a Bencivenga Crackerjack Surprise. And be sure to let them know in the deck copy that the tip is in the letter.
          I really love this technique. I've used it in a lot of letters with info products and fitness guides. I told the publisher of some Yoga DVD's I was writing the copy for to include a single, powerful technique right from the program. A video clip, since it was being done online.

          We're getting to roll it out, so I'm anticipating those particular results.

          Was it Bencivenga who came up with it? I originally heard Gene Schwartz discuss it when he was lecturing Phillips Publishing (the "burn disease out of your body" ad, which is a great ad).

          Best,

          Angel
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          • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
            Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

            Was it Bencivenga who came up with it? I originally heard Gene Schwartz discuss it when he was lecturing Phillips Publishing (the "burn disease out of your body" ad, which is a great ad).
            I'm not sure if it was or not, he's just the guy I learned it from.
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            • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
              Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

              I'm not sure if it was or not, he's just the guy I learned it from.
              Either way, great technique. And should definitely be tested out in this copy.

              Best,

              Angel
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      • Profile picture of the author Rhys Davies
        Good thinking Bruce.

        The graphics were added after the copy was written and I edited in exact numbers. So the copywriter didn't have them to use.

        Forgot about the headline!

        Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

        Well, in typical fashion, I'm going to run against the current

        You DO have a good sales letter, no doubt. But there is always room for improvement. You are hitting the benefits in your headline but not as hard as I would. We copywriter's have a wicked tool we love to use when available, and it is with you. It's Specificity.

        Let me give you a headline to test. Here is yours:



        "Discover the top Secret Methods, Cheats, And Tricks That Will Get You More Cars, Weapons And Money Than ANYBODY Else -- Fast!

        [/font]

        Here is what I propose:



        Master Mafia Don Reveals...


        "The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!"


        Keep reading to see how you can do the same in less than 17 days...



        Not sure about the 17 days but you get the idea. I'm not a fan of long headlines, but I think this is ok for your audience.
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        • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
          Originally Posted by Rhys Davies View Post

          Good thinking Bruce.

          The graphics were added after the copy was written and I edited in exact numbers. So the copywriter didn't have them to use.

          Forgot about the headline!
          I understand. It just jumped out at me when I saw the proof you have, to be specific about it in the headline. Who wouldn't want $827 billion dollars and 8000 vehicles?

          Anyway, if you're really going to test it, let me know and I'll massage it a little more. I wrote that in 10 minutes.
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          • Profile picture of the author Irish Intuition
            Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

            I understand. It just jumped out at me when I saw the proof you have, to be specific about it in the headline. Who wouldn't want $827 billion dollars and 8000 vehicles?

            Anyway, if you're really going to test it, let me know and I'll massage it a little more. I wrote that in 10 minutes.

            You're showing me some chops in this thread Bruce.

            I like knowing who really knows their shizzit. You are now one of my faves
            on here (which may disturb you more than be a compliment)

            I love people who tell it like it is and back it up.

            Your headline option rocks (IMHO and without any testing to back it up )
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      • Profile picture of the author Rhys Davies
        OK.

        The results are in.

        I changed the headline to contain specifics, that weren't be should have been there.

        This was tested on a select source of traffic and it actually increased conversions by 1.4%

        Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

        Well, in typical fashion, I'm going to run against the current

        You DO have a good sales letter, no doubt. But there is always room for improvement. You are hitting the benefits in your headline but not as hard as I would. We copywriter's have a wicked tool we love to use when available, and it is with you. It's Specificity.

        Let me give you a headline to test. Here is yours:



        "Discover the top Secret Methods, Cheats, And Tricks That Will Get You More Cars, Weapons And Money Than ANYBODY Else -- Fast!

        [/font]

        Here is what I propose:



        Master Mafia Don Reveals...


        "The Top Secret Methods, Cheats & Tricks He Used to Pile Up 8,618 Cars, $827,722,006,555 in Cash and Enough Weapons to Invade Mainland China!"


        Keep reading to see how you can do the same in less than 17 days...



        Not sure about the 17 days but you get the idea. I'm not a fan of long headlines, but I think this is ok for your audience.
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        • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
          Originally Posted by Rhys Davies View Post

          OK.

          The results are in.

          I changed the headline to contain specifics, that weren't be should have been there.

          This was tested on a select source of traffic and it actually increased conversions by 1.4%


          Cool, glad to help
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Hi Rhys,

            Good to hear you went ahead and tested Bruce's headline...
            and got a lift in response.

            Would you do the same for mine?

            I can help you work in the lead if you like.

            All the best,
            Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    One change I would make. If the conversions are that high then
    I would raise the price and see what the market can bear. High
    conversions can mean loss in profit because of the low price.

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author richard_s_smith
    Great stuff Rhys, congrats on your success and copy. Spot on about specificity, Bruce, great edit. Thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author richard_s_smith
    You have a point Raydal. Rhys, let us know if you did a price bump and the outcome.
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    Love the life you live so you can live the life you love.

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  • Profile picture of the author valleytech
    Looks very solid nice work!
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  • Profile picture of the author Vincenzo Oliva
    Without knowing too much about the niche I'd say you've got a winner.
    I can recommended testing one variable at a time to increase conversions even further.
    -a word or 2 in the headline
    -call to action
    -a scarcity "limited time" offer for sure.
    -a unique twist or promise (they've just got to know).


    Holy $^@ing @hit there's over 165k searches for "Mafia war cheats" and only 2200 with exact intitle :-0 $$$
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  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
    Rhys,

    Congratulations.

    You posted the first piece of copy on here I've ever seen that wasn't drawn and quartered by the other warriors.

    Best,

    Angel
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    • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
      Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

      Rhys,

      Congratulations.

      You posted the first piece of copy on here I've ever seen that wasn't drawn and quartered by the other warriors.
      l
      Which says a lot about the quality of copywriters available and how hard it is to find a kickass copywriter like the one that wrote this letter... my first mentor and still good friend.
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  • Profile picture of the author Topgunb
    Hey Rhys,

    Normally I would have something to say, but in your case I can't speak without knowing the stats.

    Only Improvement I can suggest - that may bring in more sales is

    wait for it

    INSTANT COMMISSION PAYMENTS .....

    Affiliates will promote the bottom out of your product, when they see the results immediatly in their paypal account.... this motivates them

    eg
    This model favours affiliate and will result in more sales
    1st sale 100% for affilaite ...... always looks good
    2nd sale 100% for affiliate
    3rd sale 100% for affiliate
    4th sale 0% for affilate


    You can be cheap and put yourself at the top of the list, but truth be told it will hurt your sales.

    Goes to What is in it for the affiliate that does the promotion.
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    swdcomputers@gmail.com For the best real deal in town!
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      Kudos to whoever authored this. They did a bang-up job.

      Definitely test Bruce's headline.

      --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    lol.... theres this thing... it's called split testing...

    you can just change the price... test say... 3 prices.

    Instant pay raise.

    Any questions?

    I know fellow warrior Mark Widawer has a cool (free) site all about split testing:
    Optimizers Club: Let us make all YOUR webpages more profitable for free.
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    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hi Rhys,
      Another headline for you to split test.

      All the best,
      Ewen

      "When A Stash Of Big
      Boy's Toy's Matter...

      Plus Grabbing The Cash
      And Weapons To Wipe
      Out Even The Biggest,
      Baddest, Mafia Mobster...



      Then hang on to your seat while
      this Mafia Wars Kingpin reveals..."
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  • Profile picture of the author Jim Stone
    At the very least, I'd test $19.95 against $17.

    You might try $24.95 and $14.95 as well.

    You might even go bigger with $49 and see what happens.

    I've seen many suggest getting away from ending everything in 7s, and going back to traditional price points that were well tested in the 80s and 90s by television infomarketers.

    Also, I would try giving away one killer tip right in the sales letter -- your best tip if you can. something they've never heard before, and that will give them immediate benefits whether they buy your guide or not. Something so clever they slap their heads when they hear it. If you've got a tip like that, give it to them, and then tell them there's "plenty more where that came from".

    Jim
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    • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
      Originally Posted by Jim Stone View Post

      Also, I would try giving away one killer tip right in the sales letter -- your best tip if you can. something they've never heard before, and that will give them immediate benefits whether they buy your guide or not. Something so clever they slap their heads when they hear it. If you've got a tip like that, give it to them, and then tell them there's "plenty more where that came from".
      Excellent tip, Jim. I thought of the same thing after my first post, then forgot it again. That's a Bencivenga Crackerjack Surprise. And be sure to let them know in the deck copy that the tip is in the letter.
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  • Profile picture of the author ArgusTargus
    I wanted to quote the text from the website, but I couldn't do a copy and paste. Can anyone tell me how this is done? It's clever.

    To make outrageous claims that people know are just "not true", don't people just slam this as a low level product and even spammier in nature? For example, the reason for wanting to share the secret is because the author needs more competition.

    A lot of people commented that it is a good piece of copywriting, it may be a great wordsmith but what about the truth?
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by ArgusTargus View Post

      A lot of people commented that it is a good piece of copywriting, it may be a great wordsmith but what about the truth?
      Would you like to submit a headline and opening
      for the owner to split test?

      The market will give you the answer to your question.

      All the best,
      Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author Rhys Davies
      Not sure what you're going on about?


      Originally Posted by ArgusTargus View Post

      I wanted to quote the text from the website, but I couldn't do a copy and paste. Can anyone tell me how this is done? It's clever.

      To make outrageous claims that people know are just "not true", don't people just slam this as a low level product and even spammier in nature? For example, the reason for wanting to share the secret is because the author needs more competition.

      A lot of people commented that it is a good piece of copywriting, it may be a great wordsmith but what about the truth?
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      • Profile picture of the author ArgusTargus
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Would you like to submit a headline and opening
        for the owner to split test?

        The market will give you the answer to your question.

        All the best,
        Ewen
        Ok, I agree... Split test will help you to compare multiple different pages. But, I was commenting on the truthfulness of the message.

        Originally Posted by Rhys Davies View Post

        Not sure what you're going on about?
        Don't take it the wrong way. All I am saying is the copywriting quality looks pretty good, but I have a problem in believing the message being conveyed.
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        • Profile picture of the author Rhys Davies
          I'm not taking it the wrong way. It's just if someone thinks bad of my products/services I like to know why...

          Can be fixed if its wrong/broken then

          Last thing I want from my products is people to be pissed off/not like them.



          Originally Posted by ArgusTargus View Post

          Ok, I agree... Split test will help you to compare multiple different pages. But, I was commenting on the truthfulness of the message.



          Don't take it the wrong way. All I am saying is the copywriting quality looks pretty good, but I have a problem in believing the message being conveyed.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Originally Posted by ArgusTargus View Post

      I wanted to quote the text from the website, but I couldn't do a copy and paste. Can anyone tell me how this is done? It's clever.

      To make outrageous claims that people know are just "not true", don't people just slam this as a low level product and even spammier in nature? For example, the reason for wanting to share the secret is because the author needs more competition.

      A lot of people commented that it is a good piece of copywriting, it may be a great wordsmith but what about the truth?
      I agree with Rhys.

      Please explain what you're trying to say. Sorry, but it's going right over my head.

      Are you saying the information presented in this ad isn't true?

      Regards,

      Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author chika138
    That is a neat eye-catching copy.
    And I enjoy the discussion in this thread so far
    Learn great deals as a newbie in copywriting
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  • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
    I dig the copy

    Here's the other areas where you could be leaving money on the table...

    Choose whatever applies, I've tripled conversions by tweaking these things on a few of my sites...

    What's your presell look like?

    What do your auto responder sequences look like?

    Whats your cart abandonment rate? Test awards, seals, product images, testimonials, contact info... This SOB can be a doozy

    What upsets do you have in your cart?

    Are you maximizing thank you page space w/upsells and affiliate offers

    What's you return rate?
    Do you use a follow up autoresponder with more social proof, suggestions to get them engaged, demonizing those weirdo return people


    There's just a few cash pumps that many folks overlook while their tinkering with headline colors
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    It's sexy...

    ...mind if I ask who wrote it?

    Feel free to PM me if you don't want it blasted out in the open.

    -Daniel
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    Wow, 1.4% increase is pretty impressive for such a simple tweak.

    It's also cool to see classic techniques being implemented and having a positive effect on someone's business.

    I'm hoping there were some large beers bought for Bruce here.

    P.S - Who wrote the copy? I'm always looking to learn from new writers.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Originally Posted by Nick Brighton View Post


      P.S - Who wrote the copy? I'm always looking to learn from new writers.
      Thinking about it, yeah. Can you PM who wrote the ad?
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  • It's actually very good.

    I'd add more bullets, improve your guarantee (make it hard, he must get a certain result or you'll give him your money back).

    That's all.

    Keep it up,
    Practical Copywriting
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    • Profile picture of the author padre
      Thanks for posting this Rhys. And many thanks to all of the contributors. This thread is a nice lesson in tweaking copy.

      Cheers
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      • Profile picture of the author up
        +1 for wanting to know who wrote that copy!
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  • Profile picture of the author MonsterZero
    If the headline tweak increased conversions, then why are you still running the old one?
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Nice one Bruce!

    Rhys, kudos to you too for actually testing.

    Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author lennoxtran
    nice market targeting and sexy sales page. congrats on the site.

    bruce- nice headline.
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  • Profile picture of the author reenapayel
    Titillate with Your Titles: I've learned that long, verbose and titillating titles will almost ALWAYS outperform short, concise ones...both on the article directories themselves (For directory driven traffic) as well as the search engine results, where people searching tend to gravitate to content that has an "eye candy" quality. the longer the better.
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  • Profile picture of the author galewinters11
    Congratulations on the conversion increase. Kudos to Bruce for the awesome tweak. Just goes to show how a bit of copy editing goes a long way.
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  • Profile picture of the author JanPat
    Pretty cool. How's this converting?
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