Sales Page Feedback

14 years ago

Hi 36Burrows,

I can see what you're trying to do. I admire your ambition. Here are my thoughts.

1. Your piece is well-written. But no where near strong enough to sell.

2. Unfortunately, your graphics and presentation are lame. Not very professional, and therefore your claims and promises are also suspect. Not believable.

3. You clump your testimonials at the bottom. What's up with that? Intersperse them with the copy. Or along the side.

4. Your call to action is weak.

I can tell you're trying hard. But the execution is awful comparably. The piece won't sell. I don't care how much, or how much quality the traffic you have, you throw at it.

I could rattle on.

To the point: Make it stronger and more compelling and more believable. Build trust.

- Rick Duris

PS: Do the research on your market. See how others are marketing similar products. You'll be amazed.

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Alex Cohen 14 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

3. You clump your testimonials at the bottom. What's up with that? Intersperse them with the copy. Or along the side.

That's a technique used by wildly successful internet marketer Eben Pagan.

Examples provided upon request.

Alex
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- RickDuris 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Alex Cohen
  
  That's a technique used by wildly successful internet marketer Eben Pagan.
  
  Examples provided upon request.
  
  Alex
  
  Unfortunately Alex, you're talking apples and oranges.
  
  What does Eben Pagan have that this gentleman doesn't, with the product or even himself?
  
  I'm not gonna give you the answer because you're smart enough to figure it out for yourself. This I know.
  
  But I am gonna give you a clue: This gentleman has (as Ewen said,) no credibility. No trust. No believability. There's no social proof. In fact, there's no proof at all.
  
  The answer is why Eben can choose to put testimonials at the bottom or top or in the middle or along the side or decide not to include them at all.
  
  Many copywriters treat testimonials as a tactic--as a way to bolster their copy.
  
  But they can be treated as strategic. That's all I was advocating given the lack of the above attributes.
  
  - Rick Duris
  
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  Alex Cohen 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by RickDuris
  
  That's all I was advocating given the lack of the above attributes.
  
  If you say so. You sure implied a lot then when you said,
  
  3. You clump your testimonials at the bottom. What's up with that? Intersperse them with the copy. Or along the side.
  
  Alex
  
  Thanks
  
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TheKeys

14 years ago

I would rate this a 4 out of 10. Some things I would do is add some better graphics. Things to catch peoples attention. Maybe add a video as well. You can have people create you images and even videos for very cheap - perhaps $50.

I would also recommend moving your testimonials around and giving your website a more personal approach.

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Craig Roberts Banned 14 years ago

You need to be a little more convincing in your copy. Other than that your site looks pretty ok to me..
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Joseph Robinson

Banned 14 years ago

It is a very good salescopy, the only problem is that you are writing in the first person.

You have phrases like "Why I would reccommend it"

Now you are just one person trying to reccommend a product. Change it to something like "Why patients would reccommend it" that puts a larger crowd behind your product, and you aren't lying because any patients who actually use it would feel the same way.

Also scatter your testimonial out a bit more throughout the article. A bunch of one-liners near the bottom of the page does nothing to draw anyone's attention.

These are just minor fixes, you should in fact be very proud of the sales copy you have written! It is very articulate and not overly flashy or technical.

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ewenmack 14 years ago

Hi 36burrows,

Here is the biggest flaw to it...credibility.

Not only your website, but that of the sellers website.

For alternative health products, credibility is based on the independent research from prestigious universities and a doctor as the spokesperson.

Haven't seen any of those.

Making other changes while this flaw is present will make little difference to the overall sales.

Best,
Ewen
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- Alex Cohen 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by ewenmack
  
  Here is the biggest flaw to it...credibility.
  
  .
  .
  .
  
  Making other changes while this flaw is present will make little difference to the overall sales.
  
  36burrows,
  
  Ewen's advice strikes right to the core. Without believability, you have nothing.
  
  Alex
  
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  36burrows 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Alex Cohen
  
  36burrows,
  
  Ewen's advice strikes right to the core. Without believability, you have nothing.
  
  Alex
  
  Hmm, I'm not quite sure what to do then.
  
  I mean, I'm not sending cold traffic to this page, I have an entire authority website built around liver and colon health with 40+ articles all ranked well in Google, an auto-responder, 2 eBooks, and lot's more.
  
  People will be reading my website before seeing this sales page.
  
  I don't know what else to do. I'm not a Doctor, I don't know any doctors, this just happens to be something I'm passionate about and has greatly helped my quality of life.
  
  How much credibility do you need to sell a freakin $20 herbal supplement?
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Alex Cohen 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by 36burrows
  
  I'm not a Doctor, I don't know any doctors, this just happens to be something I'm passionate about and has greatly helped my quality of life.
  
  A few paragraphs built around what you've written above would be a big help.
  
  Remember... you're not just trying to sell a $20 product. You'll want to get your customers on continuity too. And you'll have back end products to sell as well (at least you should).
  
  Alex
  
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36burrows

14 years ago

Thanks everyone! The only thing I'm not quite certain with are the graphics. What about them would turn people off specifically? Is it the product image? Or the Add to cart image? Or the headline image?

Thanks! I'm getting everything ready to make some changes

I'd love to hear suggestions from anyone, I'm determined to make this work!

Thanks

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Elle Davies

14 years ago

Although there seems to be a little negativity with the feedback you have receieved so far, don't let it deter you! The page is extremely well written and the structure of the sentences makes it very easy to read. Having said that, I feel it lacks more exciting and eye-catching subtitles. Possibly try changing the visuals, add more images or bigger headlines and it should read even better.
Perhaps even try using bolder colours...(Be careful with this however, too much use of the 'multicolour' effect can make your product look childish).
Hope this was helpful, good luck!

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36burrows

14 years ago

Thanks for the honest feedback everyone!

I have made some changes based on EVERYONES input.

Here's the new version: Liver Cleanse Supplement

Thanks

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Hardy Chou

14 years ago

I would change your headline from:

to something like this..

Good luck

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36burrows

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Hardy Chou

I would change your headline from:

to something like this..

Good luck

Hey thanks Hardy Chou!

That looks awesome, I will be using it for sure!

Thanks
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adamlantelme

14 years ago

Originally Posted by 36burrows

Hey thanks Hardy Chou!

That looks awesome, I will be using it for sure!

That's a really long headline, with no breaks in it. I'd shorten it up a bit. You don't want them to have to spend more than 2 seconds reading your headline.

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Hardy Chou

14 years ago

Why is that so?

I charge more than $750 just for a headline, ya know?

Originally Posted by adamlantelme

That's a really long headline, with no breaks in it. I'd shorten it up a bit. You don't want them to have to spend more than 2 seconds reading your headline.

Thanks
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adamlantelme

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Hardy Chou

Why is that so?

I charge more than $750 just for a headline, ya know?

The breath test is how I go about writing mine. If you can't read the entire headline( or any part of the copy) in one easily controlled breath it might be a bit long.

I'm not saying that the headline is bad. It certainly meets many of the criteria that works for headlines.

But. That is one very long run on sentence.

The headline could be broken up at the and, then formed into a subhead which directs the reader into the lead.

Please don't think I'm attacking the headline, just some advice.

Thanks
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Hardy Chou

14 years ago

As a matter a fact, it doesn't really matter how long a headline is, as long as it is not boring. And it did caught your attention, no?

Originally Posted by adamlantelme

The breath test is how I go about writing mine. If you can't read the entire headline( or any part of the copy) in one easily controlled breath it can be a bit long.

I'm not saying that the headline is bad. It certainly meets many of the criteria that works for headlines.

But. That is one very long run on sentence.

The headline could be broken up at the and, then formed into a subhead which directs the reader into the lead.

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adamlantelme 14 years ago

Originally Posted by Hardy Chou

As a matter a fact, it doesn't really matter how long a headline is, as long as it is not boring. And it did caught your attention, no?

I would be inclined to agree.
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ewenmack 14 years ago

Originally Posted by 36burrows

Hey thanks Hardy Chou!

That looks awesome, I will be using it for sure!

You aren't selling a 7 step or any number of steps, you are selling something that you swallow.

As Rick and Alex backed me up, you need third party studies to back you up.

Since you say you have a passion for the subject, then digging up research findings
on product ingredients should not be difficult.

A list copywriters Clayton Makepeace and Carline Anglade Cole who write direct mailers for alternative health products dig up the research findings. They aren't doctors or from the medical or health fields.

They dig deeper for the research than most copywriters, hence they have more winners more often.

Fight this reality and going for flashy headlines and tricks won't get you far.

Gotta get the fundamentals right.

Best,
Ewen
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36burrows

14 years ago

Thanks a lot Ewen.

I just gotta figure out how to do that without sending them away from my sales page, right?

Thanks
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ewenmack 14 years ago

Originally Posted by 36burrows

Thanks a lot Ewen.

I just gotta figure out how to do that without sending them away from my sales page, right?

You take the dry boring research and make it interesting.

It's all part of the sales letter.

Gross looking images work well too...as in a damaged liver

Best,
Ewen
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- kingccrawford 14 years ago
  
  As others have mentioned, health products need a lot of credibility and proof of research. I know you might not be able to do this, but I personally think that professional videos sell the best. A quick video explaining what the product does and testimonials would sell people easier, then they wouldn't need to think as hard and read a bunch of info. Otherwise, what everyone else said is good.
  
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  sanjaypande 14 years ago
  
  No matter what I say, please test things for yourself. Many folks have given you very good recommendations. I'm just adding mine to the pile. I'll try not to repeat what others have said.
  
  1. I think your headline is weak. It expects me to know about liver function and I can't remember the last time I was sitting and wondering, "Boy, wouldn't it be great if someone had something to help my liver" or "Man, I need relief from the condition of my poor liver".
  
  2. The sub-head is weak. Take control of your life ... Huh? What?
  
  3. The lead-in is not bad but can be strengthened substantially. The combination of the headline and lead-in, make it look weaker than it really is. In fact the first sentence is a better headline than anyone has even offered on the forum.
  
  4. You get into a scientific explanation too quickly, before even telling your story. What's your story? Did this (can this) change your life? save your life? If yes, what does that mean to you? Get emotional.
  
  5. You talk about distrust in the beginning. Why should I trust you? Why would you bring up trust in a skeptical market unless you can combat it with scientific evidence and many testimonials with pictures, audio and video.
  
  6. "As I did my research ..."
  Why? Don't you have medical studies you can quote? Should not be hard to find.
  
  7. Are you selling it or recommending it? It's unclear
  
  8. The first testimonial is a break in train of thought and is actually interrupting the flow instead of strengthening the copy.
  
  9. There are no fascinations (bullets). The reasons "may" be considered but they don't really work they way it is currently worded.
  
  "High Quality, All-Natural Ingredients - it makes NO sense to use cheap, artificial ingredients when the whole point is to cleanse and detoxify, right?" - As a reader I don't really know the answer to that. You also sent me into a trans-derivational search for which I don't know an answer.
  
  "Reasonable Price - A 30 day supply is only $24.95. That's less than a dollar a day and infinitely cheaper than allowing your health to slowly decay."
  
  This statement doesn't even make sense and has no emotional value. You can really strengthen this.
  
  10. The PS is the 2nd most read part of a sales letter after the headline. Why are you not using it?
  
  Suggestions
  
  1. Rewrite it as your story. How it helped you. What you could not do before you took this and why. How it has helped you and what has changed in your life. Why would you be willing to pay 100s for this product but your feel it is the bargain of the century to only pay 25 bucks.
  
  2. Work on the other aspects such as the graphics, fonts and credibility as suggested.
  
  3. Try and quote scientific studies and proof if you have them or get them from university research papers.
  
  Hope this helps
  
  Warm Regards,
  
  Sanjay
  
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36burrows

14 years ago

Thanks again for the suggestions everyone, I am constantly editing and working things out.

What is it about the graphics everyone keeps bringing up? The order form? The product image? What, please I need something more specific other than just "graphics and fonts"

Thanks!

Thanks

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