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Newbie Salescopy Critique

by PublicEnemy
10 replies
Hey guys, I'd really appreciate it if you could take a quick look at my website and give me a few pointers on where I'm going wrong. I think it might need some breaking up, it looks a little daunting to read all that text especially when the average internet user seems to have severe ADD

Breaking into the diet arena is obviously quite difficult but I do believe I am offering something unique.

I havn't put any testimonials up yet, but have some ready. They should add some credibility to the claims of the product.

Well here it is - mindyourmacros .com

Thanks in advance.
#critique #newbie #salescopy
  • Profile picture of the author SusanLandry
    Hi there,

    This is indeed a tough market. I like the way you relate to the reader's pain points in the introductory paragraph, but I do think your sales copy needs a lot of work. Here are my initial thoughts:

    - You really need a more robust, more grabby headline. "Dieting breakthrough" and "new discovery" are hackneyed phrases and will do little to convince the reader you're offering something new and promising.

    - There are quite a few spelling and grammatical errors - real credibility-killers, IMHO.

    - Tell the reader more about what's in the book. Example: "On page 24, you'll discover the single most powerful food you can eat to kick your metabolism into high gear - and it's probably in your fridge right now."

    - You shouldn't reveal your price before you've made your case, but you do so just a few paragraphs down.

    - It's not clear at all what the reader is getting for their money. Is it just a book, plus the bonus guide? You should spell this information out explicitly.

    - Do you have any testimonials or feedback from people who have tried your system and lost weight? If not, it's going to be a tough sell.

    - The copy tells us nothing about who is selling the product. Who is Oisin McHale, and why should people trust in a system he has created? You've got to build up credibility, or you won't have a leg to stand on.

    I hope that helps. Best of luck to you.
    Signature
    Susan Landry, Marketing Copywriter
    "Putting the Power of Persuasion Into Words"
    www.susanlandry.com

    Follow me on Twitter! Please.
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    • Profile picture of the author fasteasysuccess
      Just a few quick things off the bat...

      You had a decent intro to bring them in, but then you kind of dropped the ball. You actually have a way better headline sitting in your bullets than you are using as your headline now.

      The proof is not there at all either. Like said, who are you, why should we listen to you and what kind of results are achieved or have been achieved?

      Plus, if you're going to sell an ebook for that price or really when selling anything, you need to show value why they should act now and what there losing by not and what they are gaining by acting now.

      There's actually more things like spelling and other copy elements your missing, but thought this would give a quick start.
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      • Profile picture of the author PublicEnemy
        TYVM guys I really appreciate the responses. I'm going to go through each one of your points and improve on what I have written. It does indeed require a lot of work/improvement.

        On the point of the headline, I have struggled to come up with one that just doesn't sound so.. cliched, I guess is the word. It's quite difficult to not sound OTT but still entice the prospect to read more.
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        • Profile picture of the author rkat55
          I hate to be the one to say it, but, the reality is there are
          so many things wrong with this sales copy I would need
          a couple hours to list it all.

          You sound like you are promoting a really great product,
          but you are presenting it in an amateurish way. Sorry!
          (but, if you want to make money with this, you may as
          well know the truth before you launch it)

          My advice is to either hire a more experienced website
          copy writer or do some serious studying of your
          competitor's sites and see what you can get from
          them.

          I wish you the best!

          Rick
          Signature
          Crypto Financial Research - Easy. Fast. Transparent.
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          • Profile picture of the author PublicEnemy
            Dont worry I cant possibly take offence. I absolutly know that I have made many mistakes and that copywriting is difficult.

            As for getting a professional, yes it has to be the best way. It's just that I dont currently have 2-3k to spend on one. It's not that I dont think it's worth it, of course its more than worth it if it sells my product. It's just I literally don't have it right now.

            What I was hoping was to create something that would convert at any rate high enough to create some profit. Then invest in a professional with that profit.
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  • Profile picture of the author om4457
    SusanLandry gave great tips and I also want to add: try to do a bit more eye catching website design. It's just a bit too plain. Spice it up a little bit more. Then, it should nicely flow with the copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author nick1980
    Susan has made some very good points so I won't repeat any of them here. However, what I would say is that the back-story started to draw me in, just underneath where it says "The Macro-Minding Discovery"... But it was far too brief. People love a good story; how you discovered the product, where the inspiration came from, etc. So I'd suggest that you elaborate on the back-story...

    Nick
    Signature
    http://www.nickcobbcopywriter.com/
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  • Profile picture of the author FirstChoiceSystems
    People are visual,show some picutres of what they are buying, show picture of the bonus material. All white page, boring, 2 links at top, (home, contact us) doesn't say much. When I see this I ask, is this for real, or a scam. Be more presentable and professional. Your not earning your $50 asking price. Good luck, we all start off some where
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    • Profile picture of the author PublicEnemy
      I have changed quite a bit of the copy as per the advice given in this thread.

      What are your thoughts now?
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
        The "macro-minding" angle isn't void of potential. But you've got to tease and flesh it out way more than you do right now. How can you romance its discovery... the revolutionary idea behind it... and the hopefully proven science it rests upon?

        I'd try and help you there but I just read a couple pages of copy and I still have no clue what it is and why it's uniquely powerful.

        You need to make "macro-minding" the easiest, simplest and fastest way to burn fat ever invented.

        You need to diminish your competition. Box foods... fad dieting... exercise videos, etc.

        And you need to create a more compelling and authoritative persona for your fitness coach.

        Hope this helps.

        --- Ross
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