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Critique request :)

by Alastair McDermott
19 replies
Hi folks,

I'm looking for any and all feedback on the primary sales page for my membership site:

"You Could Hire ??? to Build Your Site For $5,000.00+ Or You Could Learn How To Do It Yourself From Our Experts For Less Than The Price Of A Daily Cappuccino!" - SelfAssemblySites

I'd appreciate any thoughts you guys may have on any aspect of the site

Thanks,
Alastair.
#critique #request
  • Profile picture of the author wvcopywriter
    Right off the bat I see your headline does need some more work. All those ? Stops the flow. Make it useful, urgent, ultra specific, and unique. At least 3 out 4 of these. Tonight, if I have the time, I will read the rest and see if you can strengthen your sales promo.
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  • Profile picture of the author KimboJim
    The copy is pretty good, but there are a few things I would like to say about it.

    The header takes a little too long to read, I would shorten it slightly. It really just needs the words tightened up a bit to make it stronger.

    There was also some redundancy in the copy. The biggest offender was this section:

    "It’s got to the point where my mother (or your mother!) can build a great website using the same tools as professionals, with just a little help. We teach you how to use the same tools as professionals."

    Having "the same tools as professionals" mentioned twice this closely together reads a little awkwardly. If you are doing this for keyword ranking purposes, I would suggest that you place another few sentences between the first and section mention of "the same tools as professionals."

    Another section I want to point out is when you state: "website builder tools produced ugly, badly designed websites." I don't know why, because there is technically nothing wrong with this section, but "badly" doesn't work in my mind. I think "poorly" would do a better job, but that is a matter of opinion.

    All in all, some pretty good copy. The best suggestions I have are to tighten it up, and I think have a bulleted list or two earlier on would help people realize the benefits of the course.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Messy. The eye is confused. Read the main headline and my eye starts to travel down through to the description of your offer but it keeps on getting sidetracked by the two column layout.

      The entire page is just too busy, it's got too much going on to slide comfortably down into your sales funnel.

      And your main headline? Not good.

      The entire site needs a lot of improvement.

      Best,


      Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author Alastair McDermott
    Thanks for the feedback so far - really, really appreciated.

    wvcopywriter - I've made slight changes to the headline.

    KimboJim - I've made a big change to the paragraph you drew attention to on the "professional tools".

    Mark Andrews - we will be split testing a single column design. Appreciate any further comments you have on specific elements.

    Again, thanks.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Subtle
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    • Profile picture of the author Alastair McDermott
      Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle View Post

      Very cool!

      I'm going to see what we can do with that (might need to remove SB logo due to licencing etc). Definitely worth testing a shedload.

      Can I ask you a meta-question - is the sidebar missing in your browser when you view the existing version?
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      • Profile picture of the author Mr. Subtle
        Originally Posted by AMcDermott View Post

        Can I ask you a meta-question - is the sidebar missing in your browser when you view the existing version?
        As you can see by my screen capture it's not there and explains to me why the page appeared slightly off center.
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        • Profile picture of the author Alastair McDermott
          What browser/OS combination was that in?

          (Have submitted a job on Browsershots)
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          • Profile picture of the author Mr. Subtle
            Originally Posted by AMcDermott View Post

            What browser/OS combination was that in?
            My browser of choice is Firefox (3.6.22) and I'm running Vista. Your website (with sidebar) appears fine on my IE, Safari and Opera browsers.
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            • Profile picture of the author Azarna
              Mr Subtle is right.

              You are saying you can teach someone how to make a great website. For $77 a month I would assume it would make me able to do something far more impressive than using a 'Easy-Build a Site' software package, and be easier to learn than buying Dreamweaver or something similar.

              But your site is just not very exciting. Perhaps you could be showing off things that you will be teaching? Snazzy things like lightboxes and floating stuff.

              The website does rather look like a million template-created WordPress sites, sorry.

              It just doesn't seem to be shouting 'Look what YOU could do too!!!'
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              • Profile picture of the author Alastair McDermott
                Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle View Post

                My browser of choice is Firefox (3.6.22) and I'm running Vista. Your website (with sidebar) appears fine on my IE, Safari and Opera browsers.
                I've looked at this and I'm a bit stumped by the issue. I'm investigating further (and have posted requesting help here if any HTML5/CSS gurus happen to be reading this). I'll get it sorted, but may take a day or two longer than I thought.

                Originally Posted by Azarna View Post

                Mr Subtle is right.

                You are saying you can teach someone how to make a great website. For $77 a month I would assume it would make me able to do something far more impressive than using a 'Easy-Build a Site' software package, and be easier to learn than buying Dreamweaver or something similar.

                But your site is just not very exciting. Perhaps you could be showing off things that you will be teaching? Snazzy things like lightboxes and floating stuff.

                The website does rather look like a million template-created WordPress sites, sorry.

                It just doesn't seem to be shouting 'Look what YOU could do too!!!'
                Thanks for the feedback. I think you're right - the site looks "good" but not "dancing on the rooftops"-amazing. I'm going to have a bit of a think about what we could add that would give it that feeling whilst maintaining the usability that we want to achieve. By the way, there are light boxes (click the tour video).

                Regards what the site is and does, I'm very confident in our content behind the paywall. I've been around the block with IM/MMO content and our stuff is streets ahead of the vast majority of what's out there already - free and paid. (If anyone is in doubt, hit me up for a user/pass to check it out yourself.)

                The big issue is getting the quality across - and why I'm asking for your feedback in the copywriting arena. Two big changes we'll have pretty soon are 1) a $1 trial, and 2) an animated sales/explanation video.

                A huge thank you to everyone who has given feedback so far, it's truly appreciated, and if you have any further ideas or comments please post them up.

                - Alastair.
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                • Profile picture of the author aandersen
                  Originally Posted by AMcDermott View Post

                  I've looked at this and I'm a bit stumped by the issue. I'm investigating further ... I'll get it sorted, but may take a day or two longer than I thought.
                  Your hidden comment-DIV is the culprit. I don't want to crowd the CW forum with geeky programmer talk, so I'll PM you the details.
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                  • Profile picture of the author Alastair McDermott
                    Originally Posted by aandersen View Post

                    Your hidden comment-DIV is the culprit. I don't want to crowd the CW forum with geeky programmer talk, so I'll PM you the details.
                    Awesome - fixed!
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  • Profile picture of the author Alastair McDermott
    My version of Mr. Subtle's sales page image (really need to get my designer to polish it up )
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  • Profile picture of the author Mike Mendell
    The coffee cup headline is definitely better, but you are still not telling the prospect what having "one of these" actually DOES for them.

    You can teach me how to make a website for the price of a cup of coffee? Ok. But what does that website actually DO for ME? Does it make me money? How much? How fast?

    And "doing it myself" sounds hard, scary, complicated, time consuming etc.

    Your headline needs to focus on what your prospects will BENEFIT from. (Making money, saving time, avoiding pain etc.)
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    • Profile picture of the author JosephTate
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Mike Mendell View Post

      The coffee cup headline is definitely better, but you are still not telling the prospect what having "one of these" actually DOES for them.

      You can teach me how to make a website for the price of a cup of coffee? Ok. But what does that website actually DO for ME? Does it make me money? How much? How fast?

      And "doing it myself" sounds hard, scary, complicated, time consuming etc.

      Your headline needs to focus on what your prospects will BENEFIT from. (Making money, saving time, avoiding pain etc.)
      I am loving the new headline as well, definitely a positive improvement!
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  • Profile picture of the author LeonForLinks
    I'd definitely shorten your headlines and get rid of the "__?__" stuff.

    I actually think emphasizing it is cheaper to do it yourself is totally superfluous - it is really obvious that doing it yourself is cheaper and the title of your website makes it clear that is what you offer.

    I'd change the frontpage completely to be a really succinct (and "above the fold") pictorial description of what your product does and how much it costs, for example three boxes, left to right, saying:
    1) "have a website like this" (with a big thumbnail)
    2) in 1 hour (or whatever)
    3) for 50 cents a day (or whatever your pricing is)

    Incidentally, how much does it cost? It should be really obvious. When someone is trying to obfuscate the price, it's usually because it isn't a good deal, which is a bit off-putting. I'd make the price up-front and obvious.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    Who is your target audience?
    What is your USP?
    What problem are you solving?

    "You Could Hire __?__ to Build Your Site For $5,000.00+ Or You Could Learn How To Do It Yourself From Our Experts For Less Than The Price Of A Daily Cappuccino!"

    Get Your First Website Online Before Dinner Time!
    Lousy headline.
    A) The __?__ is confusing and a big rusty nail on your greased slide.

    B) People don't want to "Learn". This thing is an instant bust.

    C) Your offer is not irresistible price-wise ($77/month) so you shouldn't be talking about
    price in your headline. You're going to have to prepare them for that.

    D) If I can get a site online before dinner, why do I need a monthly service?

    SelfAssemblySites is the #1 online website development e-learning program and private members community. We have hundreds of simple, step-by-step videos that walk you through all aspects of planning, designing, building and running your website.
    Your opening sentence is self-aggrandizing bull$hit. You lost them before you even got started.

    Honestly the thing is not worth a critique. You need to hire a copywriter because whomever wrote this has no clue about how to sell.
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    • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
      I have to agree with Bruce Wedding on this one.

      Your site is written in chunks that don't flow at all.

      The graphics should support the copy not the other way around. Your graphics stop the flow of copy.

      It reads like a technical manual.

      Scrap it and hire a professional copywriter. This dog won't hunt.

      Best of luck,

      Thomas O'Malley
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