8 replies
I'm taking a copywriting class and this is the page one of the students created. The instructor wants us to comment on it. I can't find anything wrong with it, so I thought I'd give us both the benefit of the best.

As always gang, your time is very appreciated. Thanks!

#critique #page
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Font and color of the headline are hard to read. Lose the shadow effect. View from different computers and browsers...you'll see what I mean.

      HYPEy picture of two people throwing money in the air...who are they, Don LaPre???? Not even Bernie Madoff threw money in the air out of happiness.

      MAVERICK google guru? Sounds like a good way to get a google slap down and get tossed off the internet, unless he flies Navy planes...

      like others mention f.ree REALLY???

      you are going soft? sorry to hear that, maybe some Viagra???

      Not a good reason for me to believe you, some blackhat guy with a heart of gold that is giving away the secrets out of the goodness of his heart...

      What if I have a question or two you don't answer in the f.ree report...will I then think you are withholding info????

      It smacks of hype, scammieness, another way to be led down some path that leads to destruction...I wouldn't sign up...and


      Go back and read the Andrew Gould post for a better answer than I gave you...

      but I wouldn't fill out that form for nuthin... I'd have to have a gun to my head.

      good luck,

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      • Profile picture of the author Everton1
        Thanks, that was entertaining. I do want to stress that this was NOT my page, or my writing. I don't want people thinking of everton1 when they see this thread. Doesn't change the fact that I thought it was pretty good until I read the replies, though...
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  • Profile picture of the author wvcopywriter
    The word fre,e is wrong. Should be free, or FREE, elaborate more on FREE. People like free stuff. The headline is good but could be stronger. Kind of flat. It is not very interesting.

    This sentence a bit awkward " and given them DETAILED answers. And then I put them in a report, which I'm now giving away, absolutely"

    It should contian a few samples of questions asked in bullet points.

    Hope this helps

    Don't have the time to write emails that will get opened, read and your reader to take action then leave me a message. I will get back to you within 48 hrs.

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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    I'm not going to do your homework for you, but there's plenty to be improved on there so here's a few ideas to get you started:

    No benefits, no specifics, a completely uncompelling offer, crappy generic header, proof and 2 links for a different offer but no proof or credibility elements for the main offer, a link to his AR provider, if he's going for SEO then he needs privacy policy, etc, etc...

    Andrew Gould

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  • Perhaps your instructor can enlighten me as to the advantage of using words like "fre.e" in marketing copy - I have never gotten a straight answer from anyone...

    Is it to get around spam search? Is it to create a unique search? Is it an innocent trick?

    Or is it to look deceptive in a way that makes me think this really is not "free", it implies that there is a catch, and in the event of binding contract, the offer and agreement never actually said it was free, but fre.e - and negated any binding agreement in the event of arbitration?

    I for one, have always been very wary of any internet marketing ad presented in this manner - it instantly looks deceptive to me - and that negates trust and interest immediately...

    Have you ever seen an advert presented this way in the offline world? I never have. Why?

    I would be interested in his and any other responses, reasons, and feedback -
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    • Profile picture of the author Everton1
      Again, thanks for your time, everyone. I'm lucky to have access to this place. Those are all great starting points!
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    Andrew Gould's post tells you everything you need to know. Just take the points and address each one at a time. This is not effective copy. It's clunky and after reading it I'm still not sure what the offer is. A report for...something? About keywords? I don't feel this is relevant for me. This is what you need to work on, if you're rewriting it for class.
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