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Please critique this text

by sunray
10 replies
Hi,

Can you please critique this text:
Uncover the 11 Forgotten Laws | Quantum Mind Success

It's not a classical sales copy page of course, it's rather an (affiliate) article, but nonetheless intended to do the same thing: draw people to the sales page.
Now, I have had some traffic on it, and some (only around 5-6 %) have clicked through, but still no sales at all. I guess, something is missing here??
#critique #text
  • Profile picture of the author abugah
    Uncover the 11 forgotten laws sounds incomplete. What are these laws? You are not giving any benefit. You are not arousing curiosity. No emotion is triggered.

    Improve it.
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    • Profile picture of the author sunray
      Originally Posted by abugah View Post

      Uncover the 11 forgotten laws sounds incomplete. What are these laws? You are not giving any benefit. You are not arousing curiosity. No emotion is triggered.

      Improve it.
      No, it couldn't be that. The article itself gives a very good explanation of what the laws are about. Also, the traffic is mostly from blogs where people have a general idea of the particular problem.



      I can understand why there are no sales with so little clickthroughs, but why the click-through rate is so low, if there is a free offer (a teleseminar) included, I just cannot.
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by sunray View Post

        I can understand why there are no sales with so little clickthroughs, but why the click-through rate is so low, if there is a free offer (a teleseminar) included, I just cannot.
        Possible reasons:

        It's poorly written.

        How many of your readers will get your Chekhov reference?

        Your call to action is virtually non-existent, you're weakening it by having three different options, you give no reason to click-through, and your attempt at some sort of embedded-command voodoo isn't helping.
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        Andrew Gould

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        • Profile picture of the author sunray
          Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

          Possible reasons:

          It's poorly written.

          How many of your readers will get your Chekhov reference?

          Your call to action is virtually non-existent, you're weakening it by having three different options, you give no reason to click-through, and your attempt at some sort of embedded-command voodoo isn't helping.

          I thought that the part I took from Chekhov is self-explanatory and no knowledge of the story (or the author) is needed. It's a little "out of the ordinary" touch which I'm not that willing to take out... It couldn't be that bad, is it?

          The links... yes, I see your point there. I'll remove at least one of the three.
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          • Profile picture of the author NickN
            How can we critique something if you don't listen to the advice we give you?

            abugah is right: Your headline is vague. Even people who have a "general idea of the particular problem" will still not be moved to take action with that headline.

            Doesn't matter if the article describes the 11 Laws; if your headline doesn't capture the reader, no one is going to make it that far.

            You need a benefit. You need to make people think, "Man, I have to have this program." What will your prospects gain from purchasing this product?
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            • Profile picture of the author sunray
              Originally Posted by NickN View Post

              How can we critique something if you don't listen to the advice we give you?

              abugah is right: Your headline is vague. Even people who have a "general idea of the particular problem" will still not be moved to take action with that headline.

              Doesn't matter if the article describes the 11 Laws; if your headline doesn't capture the reader, no one is going to make it that far.

              You need a benefit. You need to make people think, "Man, I have to have this program." What will your prospects gain from purchasing this product?
              OK, I've now changed the headline to this: "Uncover the 11 Forgotten Laws and Finally Make 'The Law of Attraction' Work for You", it's much more specific of course, but it seems a little too long. I also had to make the title tag different now, since it can only contain 55 characters, as the SEO module tells me.
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            • Profile picture of the author Verisimilitude
              If you wanted to write stuff that you liked, you should've written a novel instead of copy.

              I wouldn't assume that everyone has seen "the Secret".

              You could make the lottery story much more relevant simply by creating an anecdote that doesn't make any literary references.

              Lastly, never forget that people have mental defenses. You may have to take that more into consideration when writing your copy. People aren't always logical or rational, but that doesn't mean they were born yesterday either.

              Originally Posted by sunray View Post

              It couldn't be that bad, is it?
              What every aspiring copywriter tells themselves at least once in their lifetime before getting burned.
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  • Profile picture of the author ericbryant
    I think you should show me some bullet points up front as to how this article is going to HELP me, because it appears too dense and crowded for me to take the time to read in my busy internet life! Something mindless and entertaining is always a click away. Sad, but true. So, inspire me to read it!

    Also, a strong CTA like Andrew mentioned above.

    Hope this helps!
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  • Profile picture of the author Robbie B
    I would agree that the headline is needing a bit of tweaking. There's a free tool that lets you analyze your headline for "Emotional Marketing Value". It helps you come up with a headline that triggers peoples emotions. Engaging them and helping you keep them reading your content.

    Advanced Marketing Institute - Headline Analyzer

    Hope that helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author sunray
    OK, thank you all for your help. Some very useful points to consider, even if I'm not going seriously to rewrite this one, I may take it all into account next time.
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