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Critique wanted

by Stefan S
10 replies
Hi fellow warriors

I'd like to have some honest critique on this salespage for improvements.

http://www.warriorforum.com/test-for...ml#post5087664

Thanks
#critique #wanted
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    The first post under your WSO tells you everything you need to know

    What is this.
    There's more information in the thread title than in the rest of your copy.

    You need to scrap it and start again, but this time ditch your love-story angle and just tell the reader who you are, what you've got, what it does for them, and what they should do next.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Stefan S
    Thanks Andrew

    I appreciate all constructive critique.

    One comment about "What is this" - It was there before I even put up the salespage.

    ---
    Stefan
    Signature
    Affiliate as a Business Concept
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      Outsource to a copywriter fluent in English.

      Ask he or she to do what Andrew said.

      --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author JosephTate
    Banned
    You can get a good copywriter from Fiverr, just remember to search carefully..
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    • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
      Originally Posted by Ricky Stevens View Post

      You can get a good copywriter from Fiverr, just remember to search carefully..
      Yeah, with some careful searching and a little luck landing a hot fiverr copywriter, you might sell dozens of copies that way.

      Some massive ROI right there.

      (sigh...)
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      Brian McLeod
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author JosephTate
        Banned
        Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

        What planet are you on Ricky?

        I mean seriously, this has got to be one of THE most inane comments I've ever seen posted up in this section of the Warrior Forum!

        But let me throw the ball back in your court...

        Why did you type this comment and what is the precise reasoning behind your advice / suggestion?


        Mark Andrews
        I wrote the comment because I found a great copywriter from Fiverr who gave me some super converting copy. I did not include his profile in the post because I was afraid I might come across as promoting his gig..I do NOT just say something for the sake of it..I could PM you his gig link if you still do not believe me..Hope I have made myself clear?
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    • Profile picture of the author MikeMarin
      Originally Posted by Ricky Stevens View Post

      You can get a good copywriter from Fiverr, just remember to search carefully..
      Hahahahahha best thing I've seen on the warrior forum
      Signature
      Do you feel stuck in the TRAP of "internet marketing"? Are you sick of Spinning Your Wheels Trying To Make Money Online? Were you promised easy earnings yet have been struggling for YEARS?

      Truth is you've been left in the dark!

      => Click Here To Check Out The One Man Freedom System To Get The Full Picture [FREE NO OPT-IN] <==

      Inside You'll Discover The Secrets To Living A Life Of Freedom, Fun, And Adventure with an Internet Based Information Marketing Business

      ==> Click Here To Check Out The One Man Freedom System [FREE NO OPT-IN] <==
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  • Profile picture of the author TheRabidApple
    I'm no expert but the copy doesn't seem to be that bad to me. The spelling and grammar could use some brushing up but that's no big deal to sort out.

    @KallP if you PM me your copy, I'll correct the spelling and grammar for you
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  • Profile picture of the author Copywriter Kevin Francis
    Stefan,

    Outside of a (relatively) friendly arena like the Warrior Forum, you'd get slaughtered with naive copy like this. It has a kind of quirky charm but really you come across as a little clueless and lacking in authority ("Hey guys...I kind of stumbled across this idea...made a few bucks and hey it might (possibly) work for you").

    Agree with Andrew, be more direct and get to the point. Be more specific about who you are talking to and what your program will do for them. The "love story" angle doesn't really work in this context. I'd suggest the audience are not "romantics" but hard-nosed types who want you to "show me the money". I'm guessing that you've read somewhere that you need a "hook"...absolutely correct BUT it has to have some sort of relevance to the situation.

    Reading the copy again, I think there could be some mileage from the angle of combining FB and Fiverr. But, again, you need to be more specific about what your system will do and why it's different. People in the forum here will see many programs like this. This won't be the first local biz client course they've seen and so, following Gene Schwartz's analysis of stages of a market, you need to demonstrate and prove why your program is different and better. The current copy is very general.

    And yes, cleaning up the spelling, grammar and general wording will help too!
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  • Profile picture of the author Stefan S
    Thanks guys

    I appreciate your comments
    Need to do some work now
    Signature
    Affiliate as a Business Concept
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