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Please Critique this Headline

by davhart
19 replies
Please Critique the following headline:
it contains a prehead, headline, and Subhead.
It's for A cover page for a Jewelry Catalog that really provides outstanding Styles

Discover the Amazing Exclusive High Quality Sterling Silver
Jewelry That will Magnetically Attract Past and New Clients and Make Them Come Back Over and Over, Guaranteed!
They will Thrillingly Brag to their Friends and Relatives about The Jewelry they Bought From You,
"and YOU will Instantly create a flood of new customers"!

I'll appreciate all Your commends
Thanks
#critique #headline
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    This is much better than the first try. The word magnetically needs to go. It doesn't work. Same with the word thrillingly (is that even a word?) in the sub.

    You actually don't have a pre header. You have a really long headline that starts with a smaller font. You're trying too hard.

    Go with something simple like this:

    Discover beautiful and unique silver jewelry that draws customers like a magnet and keeps them coming back

    That's better and since you seem to be in love with the "magnet" thing I threw it in there. Sometimes simple is better. Good luck
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  • Profile picture of the author Warrior X
    Not only is simpler better, but so is shorter. Your headline is too long.

    The only reason to write a long headline is if you can't say everything you need to say with short one. I don't think that's the case here.

    Jeremy
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  • Profile picture of the author nickhumph
    I'm not a copywriting expert, but as a prospect, I think it's too long and "magnetically" doesn't make sense to me at all.

    Keep trying!
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  • Profile picture of the author Gary Gomez
    "Attract past and new clients" is not grammatically correct either.

    Plus everything the others is said is good advice.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    You may call this the Raydal Rule of headline writing:

    No headline should ever contain the word "that". It
    weakens the headline.

    -Ray Edwards
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  • Profile picture of the author KimboJim
    When I saw magnetic, I thought it was for that silver band that helps center people and can help with pain. Can't remember what it's called, but every senior citizen I see wears it.

    Like everyone else, get rid of magnetically, and most certainly thrillingly. I was starting to feel the headline, but that word took me out of it completely. You have enough buzz going with the sizing and underlining of the words, so these weak adverbs really aren't needed.

    Also, I would italicize "Instantly" at the bottom, because I think that will really help.

    Unlike everyone else, I'm not sure if it's too long. Your headline is longer than many others, agreed. However, I have seen some longer headlines that work.
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  • Profile picture of the author davhart
    Thanks to all of you for the advice,
    Please let me know what You say to this

    Discover the Amazing     High Quality Sterling Silver Jewelry, It will
    Attract Past and New Clients and Make Them Come Back Over and Over, Guaranteed!
    They will even Brag to their Friends and Relatives about The Jewelry they Bought From You,

    "and YOU will Instantly create a flood of new customers"!
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    free marketing course how to increase sales and Marketing Strategies

    online success success from home from home business working online
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    I'm sorry to say, but I think the whole appeal is off.

    This isn't for a WSO - it's a wholesale jewelry catalog
    cover for jewelry retailers, right?

    Too wordy, but saying nothing - just huffing and puffing,
    making grand and unbelievable promises that no
    silver jewelry line could reasonably live up to.

    Is a jeweler really going to buy into the idea that
    simply carrying this silver jewelry is going to
    work the kind of miracle you're promising?

    "YOU will Instantly create a flood of new customers"?

    So - get real here.

    What is special or unique about this jewelry.

    How and where is it made?

    What/who is the inspiration behind the design?

    Why is it finer than other sterling jewelry?

    There's a story hidden inside the product somewhere
    and that's where I'd be looking - instead of making
    promises the jewelry can't cash.

    Hope this helps,

    Brian
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    Brian McLeod
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    • Profile picture of the author Smiling1
      Attract New Clients


      Amazing Sterling Silver Jewelry

      Bring Clients Back - Over and Over, Guaranteed!




      Just a rough idea...
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    • Profile picture of the author davhart
      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      I'm sorry to say, but I think the whole appeal is off.

      This isn't for a WSO - it's a wholesale jewelry catalog
      cover for jewelry retailers, right?

      Too wordy, but saying nothing - just huffing and puffing,
      making grand and unbelievable promises that no
      silver jewelry line could reasonably live up to.

      Is a jeweler really going to buy into the idea that
      simply carrying this silver jewelry is going to
      work the kind of miracle you're promising?

      "YOU will Instantly create a flood of new customers"?

      So - get real here.

      What is special or unique about this jewelry.

      How and where is it made?

      What/who is the inspiration behind the design?

      Why is it finer than other sterling jewelry?

      There's a story hidden inside the product somewhere
      and that's where I'd be looking - instead of making
      promises the jewelry can't cash.

      Hope this helps,

      Brian
      That's why I wrote that it's a cover for a catalog, Because once they see the pictures of the styles they will instantly see that it's not hype it's the real deal

      All what I wrote is real facts we hear it over and over from all clients, and every retailer that just give a look at the styles and Quality are bragging about it
      and they do say that these Jewelry moves the fastest and it makes their clients real excited and satisfied and it brings them back over and over

      so hearing that constantly from the existing Clients, why shouldn't use it to get new clients and tell them what they will experience
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  • Profile picture of the author incblitz
    7 Stunned Retailers(? better word here) Swear Under Oath These
    Stylish Never Before Seen Jewelry Created A Flood Of Customers
    That Blasted Their Cash Registers...
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Okay then...

    </critique>
    Signature
    Brian McLeod
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  • Profile picture of the author abugah
    Hi Davhart,

    You may find it valuable to read this post. It covers some of the mistakes in your headline. Use this link...

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-mistakes.html
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  • Profile picture of the author awddude
    magnetically
    You use the word too early in your head-line. That is, before I know which form of the word you're intending.

    You are talking about sterling silver and jewelry, and then throw in magnetically. Until I finished the second headline I had some idea that the jewelry has magnets in them or something like that.

    As others suggested, replace that word. Or use it only if there is enough info to catch the correct meaning.
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  • Profile picture of the author MaryaZ
    Just by reading it, I got a feeling that the claim repeated itself over and over without giving me a WHY or HOW - a powerful hook that makes your claim happen and YOU someone unique.
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