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Tinker Bell Rocks

by The Boz
28 replies
I'm a new guy here, and don't know much, but I just want to say...

Tinker Bell rocks with her copy. As Gordon says, the market will decide, but I was personally blown away by the copy she submitted. She even added in some top notch graphics.

You can see the copy in her signature line, and also in Gordon's "The Night I Didn't Die" link. My own amateur attempt is in my sig line, if it shows up.

Thanks Tinker Bell, great job.

Boz
#bell #rocks #tinker
  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    The market will have the final say, but what I read really impressed me.

    --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Tinkerbell
    Alex, yes, (and Vin) that's me.

    Boz: You are so very welcome.

    I'm glad Gordon (and you!) gave me the opportunity to write copy for your product through Gordon's "challenge" and I'm looking forward to seeing "what the market thinks" myself.

    Ross, thank you (again).

    Nick, the "conversational tone" comes from having a brother who would absolutely talk to his buddies about a product like this in the exact way I wrote the copy in the letter.

    I drew from images in my head of him having such a chat ... and I wrote down what I imagined he'd say as fast as I could.

    So anyway, thanks guys, to all of you. I've had a blast with this copy and hope it does well for you, Boz.

    Tina
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  • Profile picture of the author MaryaZ
    It's always great to see a piece of good work. :-)
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    • Profile picture of the author DougBarger
      It's good to see clients who take the time to praise the work of their copywriter.
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      => Stay tuned...

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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Ya know, I was reading that copy and I started getting the itch. It was pretty compelling stuff. I thought it was going to continue on as a blind orrer. Then when I saw what the business was, I knew it wasn't for me.

    But still the copy did what it's supposed to do. Nice work.

    Have you guys considered testing against a blind offer? I'll bet it converts way better that way.
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    • Profile picture of the author DGFletcher
      Wow. You have me really wishing I had the money to buy that kit! That is really impressive--and I hate cars!!

      Eh, what on there is going to stop you from losing clients just because you gave them the idea? With what you put on the ad, it makes me want to go out there, skip buying your stuff for awhile, test out things until I'm making money, and then buy it? Jus' sayin.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Boz
        Anybody can clean headlights, even a monkey can do it. Look on YouTube for "Homeless guy discovers Oprah's secret" and you'll see that it's true.

        By the same token, anybody can be a copywriter if they take the time to figure it out on their own, figure out how to get clients, and figure out how to get paid for their time. Yet people will pay thousands of dollars for someone to teach them how to be copywriters.

        Here's another idea for you that can make you an easy $250,000 a year, and most anybody can do it once they take the time to figure out a few things. Start a cropdusting business. Or open a restaurant! Easy money!
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      • Profile picture of the author Tinkerbell
        Originally Posted by DGFletcher View Post

        Wow. You have me really wishing I had the money to buy that kit! That is really impressive--and I hate cars!!

        Eh, what on there is going to stop you from losing clients just because you gave them the idea? With what you put on the ad, it makes me want to go out there, skip buying your stuff for awhile, test out things until I'm making money, and then buy it? Jus' sayin.
        DGFletcher, it's all in the details.

        Think about it: there's information everywhere (and I mean EVERYwhere) about how to make money. And some people do. But most "won't." Other than the most who just flat out won't, there are those who will try and try and still not get it right.

        So they'll look for the professionals. The people who have honestly been there in the trenches, done it, figured out what works, what doesn't work, and why. And they'll learn from those guys. So they skip the biggest hurdles and end up on the short end of the learning curve.

        What you've mentioned above is actually the part that'll make Boz more sales. Jus' sayin.

        Tina
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        • Profile picture of the author max5ty
          Originally Posted by Tinkerbell View Post

          DGFletcher, it's all in the details.

          Think about it: there's information everywhere (and I mean EVERYwhere) about how to make money. And some people do. But most "won't." Other than the most who just flat out won't, there are those who will try and try and still not get it right.

          So they'll look for the professionals. The people who have honestly been there in the trenches, done it, figured out what works, what doesn't work, and why. And they'll learn from those guys. So they skip the biggest hurdles and end up on the short end of the learning curve.

          What you've mentioned above is actually the part that'll make Boz more sales. Jus' sayin.

          Tina
          Tina, I think you did a super job at writing the sales piece.

          Anyone looking to sell a product would be crazy not to look you up.

          However...

          Having made a couple bucks in marketing -- there's a real "pinch point" in the piece.

          I know you're only writing with what you have to work with.

          The whole $300.00 investment is a gigantic stumbling block...it kills sales quicker than anything.

          I think it would be better to just mention that most of the supplies are things everyone has around their house.

          Most have a cordless drill, etc.

          I'd just say something like, "Complete Details On Where To Buy The Secret Sauce Included".

          I'm sure the piece will sell some...but they would sell more by making this simple change in wording.
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          • Profile picture of the author Tinkerbell
            Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

            The whole $300.00 investment is a gigantic stumbling block...it kills sales quicker than anything.
            max5ty, I tend to agree. It could be left out of the piece altogether.

            So why'd I put it in? Two reasons, now I think back on it. One was trying to avoid the "if it sounds too good to be true" hurdle.

            "Get this manual and make four figures a week" without saying something about a need for other things wouldn't have sat right with potential buyers because they'd have instant suspicion I didn't want to arouse.

            Potential buyer thought: "Yeah, I'll bet they're leaving out the part where you have to also buy this and that to make it work."

            The other reason was, with the straight up, conversational style of the copy, I felt "full disclosure" would work best. "Yes, you'll need a couple other things, but with those few things and this manual, you're good to go." And it's true.

            Does that make sense?

            Anyway, those were "my" reasons for leaving it in. If Boz wants me to change it, I'm sure he'll let me know.

            Tina

            PS: Thank you for your compliment. :-)
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            • Profile picture of the author The Boz
              What max says is true. I'd get many more sales by hiding the truth.

              I wouldn't try to sell a car that had a bad cranston rod, without telling the buyer. I think one just creates problems for himself by being deceptive.

              Sure, I'd like to sell a few thousand manuals, but I don't want to deal with a few thousand refunds either.

              I have refused to clean headlights when I knew there was no way that I could satisfy a particular customer.

              I don't mean to judge anybody else by this. Do what you want with your stuff, I don't care one way or the other.
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              • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
                Originally Posted by The Boz View Post

                What max says is true. I'd get many more sales by hiding the truth.

                I wouldn't try to sell a car that had a bad cranston rod, without telling the buyer. I think one just creates problems for himself by being deceptive.
                You can write a blind offer without being deceptive. You can tell the truth in every line of copy. But you CHOOSE what to reveal.

                You can tell them you have a business which can be started for peanuts, anyone can do it and you can make money. You can tell them potential sales are everywhere there are cars. You can tell them they can get started in 60 minutes. You can tell them it is an easy manual labor type job. You can describe the low startup costs. You can tell them you're giving them a marketing package which makes it easy to sell. blah blah blah

                There is no deception in anything I wrote.

                Originally Posted by The Boz View Post

                I don't mean to judge anybody else by this. Do what you want with your stuff, I don't care one way or the other.
                Honestly, I don't sell stuff where I'd need a blind offer to sell it. But you're in a copywriting forum and the advice you're getting is how to sell more. If you can't sleep with it, don't do it. I respect that.

                ETA: Deception is a matter of opinion and degrees. Putting the "Super Sauce" label over the bottle of McGuiars machine polishing compound could be considered deceptive by many.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    It is a 1000% improvement over the original. I think the video is going to kill the sales though. You're teaching them too much.

    I really think this needs to be a blind offer to sell well. Take a look at this:

    Let me google that for you
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    • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
      Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

      I really think this needs to be a blind offer to sell well.
      I agree 100%
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    The copy is indeed compelling and the products fits the time
    when people are looking for an "easy" way to make some
    extra bucks.

    At the same time I think that you needed to justify the
    $97 price more by playing on the "mystery cleaners"
    (I wanted to know what the ingredients were in the
    bottles) and also the work and research that was
    involved in coming up with the system.

    Bottom line, this is a great letter.

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    I should also say, the copy is very well written, though I agree with Ray about the lack of price justification. And where is the order form? Its really got a weak close.

    What I wonder, and think I know the answer now after seeing Boz's reply, is, did Tinkerbell advise him that this isn't the best way to sell the product? That's really part of the copywriters job.
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    • Profile picture of the author The Boz
      Thanks Bruce, and the other responders. I didn't understand what was meant by a blind offer. I see what you're saying now.

      Also thanks for the advice on the closing.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Yep that "Less than $300" in the box at top right needs to go. A cordless drill, a toolbox and the other stuff shouldn't run even half that. But whatever it is - it shouldn't be there.

    And yeah...if you have half a brain you'll Google "How to clean a yellowy headlight" or something. But the people this is pitched at probably won't do that.

    I also think it's weak on exactly what's in the manual - that could be souped up. Tinkerbell says -
    Boz's Headlight Cleaning Business Manual spells out (in detail):
    • All the supplies you'll need to make this work
    • The best place to go to make the most money (Boz calls it his personal ATM location)
    • The easiest way to get customers rolling in
    • How to get people to agree to let you clean their headlights (with NO selling)
    • His (soon to be trademarked) system for cleaning headlights FAST (less than 10 minutes per light)
    You could beef it up -

    • All the supplies you need to get this to work - where exactly to find them and how to get the best prices.
    • The best place to go to make the most money (Boz calls it his personal ATM location). You know the old saying "Location, location, location"? Thats the name of the game. You simply must know this. You could fall flat on your face or you could have a veritable goldmine - depending on where you set up. This is possibly the most valuable insider knowledge in the manual.
    • The easiest way to get customers rolling in. Want to know how? Oh man you're gonna love this. This is like adding the Laughing Gas. You're going to get a 30% increase in power just by using this sneaky, dirty, lowdown, "bite me baby" technique. The other clowns won't stand a chance against your modus operandi. And no - its not illegal - but maybe it should be.
    • How to get people to agree to let you clean their headlights (with NO selling). Ever hypnotized a chicken? Laugh out loud. I'll say no more. But this is powerful stuff. By the time you're finished with them not only are they going to be saying "yes" to headlight cleaning but...
    • His (soon to be trademarked) system for cleaning headlights FAST (less than 10 minutes per light). Yeah - speed is the name of the game. Work it out - one headlight in less than 10 minutes for $15. Two headlights in 20 minutes for $30. How many can you do an hour? Conservatively $90 worth. So a morning's work is going to net you at least $360. Cash. You with me? Folding stuff in your hand. What taxman? Where?
    Finally. Ditch the video - you're giving the game away. Include that in the PDF. Plus you need to spell it out that this is a downloadable PDF that they'll be able to get their mitts on instantly. I just went back and re-read the copy. Nowhere do you spell it out that its a DOWNLOADABLE product - not a physical manual that you send by snail-mail.



    You also need a Guarantee, Refund Policy and contact details. What you have there is far too small and looks like you have something to hide.

    Forgot to add - nice job on the copy Tinkerbell!
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    • Profile picture of the author The Boz
      Thanks Mal. I hope I'm not getting a bill for this.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by The Boz View Post

        Thanks Mal. I hope I'm not getting a bill for this.
        Nah. But keep me in consideration for your next project - "How to Fly Cropdusters - at Night".

        Pity you're not a Japanese dude. Then the title could be "How to Fry Cropdusters - at Night" by Boz San.
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  • Profile picture of the author Easy Cash
    Headlight cleaning????

    I don't recall ever seeing a car that needed it's headlights cleaned.
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    • Profile picture of the author The Boz
      "How to Fry Cropdusters - at Night"

      1. Heat 20 gallons of cotton seed oil in a large pan.
      2. Wire your cropduster's legs and arms securely with stainless safety wire.
      3. Lower your cropduster gently into the oil...mind the splashes of hot oil.
      4. Fry for 20 - 30 minutes, or to taste.
      5. Serve over a bed of Arkansas rice, with a nice Parathion sauce...see page 34 in the Sauces section.
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  • Profile picture of the author Brad Spencer
    Tina has always done really great work for me and I count her as a great friend as well.

    Not only is she an amazing copywriter but she has helped me through a lot of business strategy and personal situations in the past.

    Love her to death

    Cheers,

    Brad
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    • Profile picture of the author wilmath
      Is the lack of testimonials due to the fact that it is a new product?
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