Sales Page Review Please

51 replies
Every now and then, I come here for a good kicking. Who knows, perhaps I am a bit masochistic

But seriously, people here have helped me tremendously with my copy in the past and today, I released my next product. As usual, I think I have done a good job with the sales page, but I would love to get your views.

Here it is ...

Infomarketing Made Easy

And ... don't worry. I can take it.

Thanks in advance.

Will
#page #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author TheTruth2011
    I actually like it. It's clean with not too much stimulation. You anchors in your text to make me want to keep reading. You don't promise something too good to be true, so I am less reluctant to think you are trying to rip me off. I don't know how much I personally like the clouds but I get the theme you are going for.

    hope you can take something from that , cheers !
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi Will,

      It's well written, but unfortunately, it's bland and boring. I'm not asking you to be hypey, I'm asking you to grab my emotions and take them on a rollercoaster ride.

      Dig deep. Make it memorable piece, one that folks can't shake off after reading.

      - Rick Duris
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      • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        I'm not asking you to be hypey, I'm asking you to grab my emotions and take them on a rollercoaster ride.
        Hi Rick,

        How does a person do that just out of curiousity? Story telling?
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        • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
          Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0 View Post

          Hi Rick,

          How does a person do that just out of curiousity? Story telling?
          Will already has a good story and he communicates it well.

          But it's informational. (Yes, good information.)

          Yeah, it's kinda interesting, but it doesn't stir my emotions, it doesn't get me to visualize my own success using his methods and overall one sentence does not compel me to read the next.

          - Rick Duris
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          • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
            Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

            Will already has a good story and he communicates it well.

            But it's informational. (Yes, good information.)

            Yeah, it's kinda interesting, but it doesn't stir my emotions, it doesn't get me to visualize my own success using his methods and overall one sentence does not compel me to read the next.

            - Rick Duris
            So Rick, I'm interested.

            How would you improve it?

            Will
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            • Profile picture of the author Azarna
              I do like the non-hypey approach, its clean and tidy too.

              Only thing that strikes me is I have seen a lot of people here saying that the copy must be 'customer orientated', and this is all about you. The word 'I' is everywhere, but very little about why the customer will benefit from your product. I am no expert, just quoting what I have heard from a lot of sources about this.
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            • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
              Originally Posted by Will Edwards View Post

              So Rick, I'm interested.

              How would you improve it?

              Will
              I'd hit the record button and coax it out of you over Skype.

              C'mon Will, don't BS me on this. I see it in you and in your letter... it's the letter, the piece you've been dying to write for your customers. To get off your chest. To show them the way forward...

              In other words, do what your website was originally designed to do:

              INSPIRE.

              - Rick Duris
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      • Profile picture of the author schttrj
        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        Hi Will,

        It's well written, but unfortunately, it's bland and boring. I'm not asking you to be hypey, I'm asking you to grab my emotions and take them on a rollercoaster ride.

        Dig deep. Make it memorable piece, one that folks can't shake off after reading.

        - Rick Duris
        I agree with Rick here. It's a good read, but personally speaking, just because I am interested in what you wrote, I gave it a whole read. An average prospect might not have the same kind of patience.

        I would say, the start can be improved. It's the place for getting attention. So grab me by my collar and force me to be curious about what's coming up next. It's the turn that matters! Shake it till they drop it!!! Ha ha...you probably are more experienced than me, but I intended to give a honest opinion.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jonathan 2.0
    I love the “non type” approach you've taken. : ) This is something I’d read. Tell rather than sell as they say.
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  • Profile picture of the author NiklasWriter
    I like it, clean and straight to the point. I can't see any reason why this wont work. Good luck
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
    I looked at this right before I had to go drive for an hour and a half to my in-laws...

    ...thought it was very credible. Nothing leaped out as "yeah right" for me.

    However:

    1) I didn't even see the headline the first time (nice Caples swipe )...I think it's the color--blends in with the border

    2) Your first sentence ought to be like a headline. Instead, it makes me ask, "Why the hell not?" I know you answer this question immediately following, but it still seems strange. Whatever you replace it with, bold it like the other section headers.

    3) Your bolded headed sections need improvement to be more grabby. Focus on what's in it for your reader. They're almost too direct...and that's probably why some others have said the word "boring."

    It does need some spice. So the question: how to inject that spice?

    I would move the "Infomarketing Made Easy" gray headline with the image and bullets up to the top. In fact, that whole section. All the way to "It's just the way things work."

    Then revise the rest of your content with this section in mind.

    What you've got is a good foundation. Now use the language and change the angles of things...make the pits deeper and the mountains taller.
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  • Profile picture of the author Soren
    Hey Will,

    Normally I wouldn't read through a whole sales page like that.

    I can understand why someone would say it's boring, and perhaps you'd consider optimizing it for a broader audience as well..

    However, I did read the whole "story", I did find it (not somewhat, but actually VERY) credible and sincere (especially the part about, just call clickbank and get verification - great idea )..

    I think you're a great writer, you do manage to secure a hook in your reader just before you loose him, but perhaps you could add a little more action and variation to it? More graphics, and perhaps a little more bragging, even though you're just being yourself.

    I don't believe in your rule no. 1 about one should go after what sells, rather than what interests you, because in my experience you're the one that makes things happen if you put enough energy into your wording and message.

    Thumbs up from here. Looking good. That should sell a couple of ebooks, but one last thing - can't you come up with a little more exciting headlines for your ebook outline?
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  • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
    Thanks guys - really appreciate the comments. I'll try to take them on board and improve it over time. A couple of points:

    1. The reason it looks so credible is, it is true.

    2. The blue headline is designed to fit with all the other pages of the site to make the page look less like a traditional sales letter to my normal readers.

    3. I was struggling for a headline and went with the swipe. I will probably replace it - any suggestions would be welcome.

    4. With regard to the 'I' in the copy, you have to understand that my list wants to know how I did what I have done. It's hard to do that without using the personal pronoun. That said, if you dig deeper, it is really 'you' focused.

    5. The first sentence is designed to draw people in.

    6. The sub-heads - yes, I think perhaps they do need a little more work. (Have changed a few)

    7. Sequence - I think the sequence is right.

    8. Mid section - I think may need a graphic.

    9. Peaks and troughs - thanks, point taken.

    10. Emotion - always a problem for me. I know people buy from emotion and justify with logic. But my anti-BS radar gets in the way of me writing some stuff.

    Thanks to everyone.

    Will

    P.S. Just launched and 7 sales so far
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  • Profile picture of the author bankableResults
    "10. Emotion - always a problem for me. I know people buy from emotion and justify with logic. But my anti-BS radar gets in the way of me writing some stuff."

    That people buy solely on emotion may be true in some cases and markets, but not all.

    I agree with Gary Bencivenga: Today, people buy more on logic then they used to. And it´s a fact that credibility and proof becomes more crucial to success for every day that pass.

    But unfortunately, a lot of otherwise great copywriters miss this point... and fail in their undertakings.

    Anyway. Your copy looks fine to me (I would do some tiny tiny changes... but I´m "picky" as hell...)

    Now to the important part; How is it converting? :-)

    //Sara

    P.S. A wise man once said: "Look at what everyone else is doing, and do the opposite" - and in a lot of ways, that´s exactly what you are doing here.

    Keep up the good work!
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by bankableResults View Post

      And it´s a fact that credebility and proof becomes more crucial to success for every day that pass.
      My God I wish you'd use a Spellcheck. EVERY single post of yours is riddled with bad spelling and lousy grammar. Not a good look for a writer.
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      • Profile picture of the author bankableResults
        Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

        My God I wish you'd use a Spellcheck. EVERY single post of yours is riddled with bad spelling and lousy grammar. Not a good look for a writer.
        Sorry it bothers you so much (no I´m not). I'm born and raised in Sweden, and I only write (with good results) for the Swedish market. So yeah, my English is far from perfect. But I´m not here to look for new clients or to impress anyone...

        The sole purpose of my posts is to give people helpful advice, and sharpen my own copywriting skills... nothing else.

        If it bothers you so much, why waste your time and energy reading my posts in the first place?

        Makes no sense.

        //Sara

        P.S. I will use spellcheck in future posts. Thank you.
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        • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
          Banned
          Originally Posted by bankableResults View Post

          Sorry it bothers you so much (no I´m not). I'm born and raised in Sweden, and I only write (with good results) for the Swedish market. So yeah, my English is far from perfect. But I´m not here to look for new clients or to impress anyone...

          The sole purpose of my posts is to give people helpful advice, and sharpen my own copywriting skills... nothing else.

          If it bothers you so much, why waste your time and energy reading my posts in the first place?

          Makes no sense.

          //Sara

          P.S. I will use spellcheck in future posts. Thank you.
          Sara, what doesn't make sense is posting on an English-language forum without warning us that your English is less then perfect. Then we would have cut you some slack. In fact - your English is very good - for a Swedish model. (insert stupid Smiley grin here)

          BTW I read (and sometimes contribute) to the Swedish ad blog adland.tv | all the adnews not fit to print by ...sk Wäppling. And she regularly mangles English.

          So you're forgiven. Welcome to the madhouse.
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by bankableResults View Post

      "10. Emotion - always a problem for me. I know people buy from emotion and justify with logic. But my anti-BS radar gets in the way of me writing some stuff."

      That people buy solely on emotion may be true in some cases and markets, but not all.

      I agree with Gary Bencivenga: Today, people buy more on logic then they used to. And it´s a fact that credibility and proof becomes more crucial to success for every day that pass.

      But unfortunately, a lot of otherwise great copywriters miss this point... and fail in their undertakings.

      Anyway. Your copy looks fine to me (I would do some tiny tiny changes... but I´m "picky" as hell...)

      Now to the important part; How is it converting? :-)

      //Sara

      P.S. A wise man once said: "Look at what everyone else is doing, and do the opposite" - and in a lot of ways, that´s exactly what you are doing here.

      Keep up the good work!
      Thanks. I appreciate your comment. In fact the quotation you used is also something I believe in. I remember James Caan saying the same thing in his book. And I have managed to do quite well so far without trying to duplicate the approach used by so many others.

      As for conversions, I have sent one mail to my list and have sold 11 copies so far. Looking at my Aweber stats, I had 0 opens and 235 clicks (these days, I think a lot of people read their mails via the preview pane or perhaps don't click the 'enable images' link).

      Anyway, it works out to 11/235 x 100 = 4.7% at present.

      Will
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  • "That is what I have been able to learn over the past seven years and that is what I can pass on to you. I can save you a lot of the heartache, steer you away from the blind alleys and save you a great deal of trial and error."

    Regale us with some of the things you went through over seven years. Help me feel some of the heartache you are saving me from. Describe these scary blind alleys.

    It doesn't have to be hype. Tell me a story.
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Will, currently the weakest part of your sales letter is a lack of editing.

    First, I agree with Rick Duris that it is boring.

    In the first 4 paragraphs - you use 9 "I"'s and not even one "you." You are talking about yourself, and your story is boring.

    People will not be bored in print.

    1. You need to make your sales letter inviting to read. It looks difficult to read right now - and what you say in your copy is useless if no one reads it.

    2. Your copy has been done in a very lazy way, it has no editing. You need to shorten your letter down to its core. The ideal salesletter should contain no needless words. In your sales letter you are rambling.

    Really I felt like falling asleep trying to read your letter.

    3. You need a single, more concise, more logical flow from one thought to another. Right now its better than most, but needs to be further improved.

    4. You have a complete lack of reader interest and are talking about yourself - instead of your reader. You have not sold your reader on reading your ad. While you can be interesting to the reader through a good story - your story has not been made very interesting yet.

    You need to ad drama into your story without adding hype. You can do this by asking, what is dramatic about my story? Then highlight that. People love good stories.

    You need to write, and rewrite your letter until there is not a single useless word in it. Right now you are not clear in your writing. Furthermore you need to talk about your prospect instead of yourself. Its okay to tell your story - but it needs to be so compelling and powerful that they will put down everything to read it.

    People cannot be persuaded in print when you are not clear about your ideas. Your ad is rambling. It lacks force and clarity because you have been a very lazy writer.

    I give you credit for a lack of hype, however having a lack of hype doesn't help you if no one reads your ad.

    First you need to get attention. You have done an okay job of this. I dont really think your headline is nearly good enough, the first thing you need to do is create the strongest headline humanly possible.

    While your headline is not bad, what you need to do is make it so enticing, so powerful, that if you woke someone drunk at 3 am, they would be so interested that they would get out of bed, and hop on the computer.

    Would I do that for your headline? hell no, why? ive heard it a million times before. So what, you made a buck online, everybody has told me that, who cares. Ive got 50,000 guys telling me about money they've made, what makes you different?

    Then you need to get interest. You have done a terrible job of this

    Next you need to build desire. You have done a moderate job of this, much better than most

    Finally you need to ask for action. You have done a resonable job of this

    Right now, the weakest part of your advertisement is that your ad isnt very interesting and it doesn't get a readers eyeballs opened wide with attention. Your ad gets much better further down into the copy. The beginning is the weakest, and this is what is really killing your sales.

    I would say overall you have done a much better job than most of the ads seen on this forum. Improving this ad is not that difficult, it mainly requires editing and focusing on the readers interest, instead of on your own glory.

    The first thing to do is to craft the strongest headline you possibly can.

    The next thing is to create the most powerful, interesting first paragraph you can.

    Then go onto the second paragraph.

    The beginning of your ad is the most important because it determines if your reader will read your ad.

    If no one reads your ad, no one buys.
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by maximus242 View Post

      Will, currently the weakest part of your sales letter is a lack of editing.

      1. You need to make your sales letter inviting to read. It looks difficult to read right now - and what you say in your copy is useless if no one reads it.
      The paragraphs are short. There are even some one-liners. The text is broken with sub-heads and graphics. I can't see how it 'looks' difficult to read.

      2. Your copy has been done in a very lazy way, it has no editing. You need to shorten your letter down to its core. The ideal salesletter should contain no needless words. In your sales letter you are rambling.
      I really do think there are no useless words there. Actually there are now a couple more paragraphs that I have added based on some of the advice above, but show me where I am 'rambling' and I'll be glad to take another look.

      3. You need a single, more concise, more logical flow from one thought to another. Right now its better than most, but needs to be further improved.
      There is a very logical thought flow there for me. It is something that I thought that was right about it, especially in the light of what others have so far said. But again, I'm all ears: what does not flow logically for you?

      4. You have a complete lack of reader interest and are talking about yourself - instead of your reader.
      I dealt with this point above.

      You have not sold your reader on reading your ad. While you can be interesting to the reader through a good story - your story has not been made very interesting yet.
      I dealt with the headline above. With regard to the story, yes, I'll take another look and have a go at reworking the opening.

      Thanks

      Will

      P.S. 309 clicks and 15 sales so far (15/309 x 100 = 4.9%)
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  • Profile picture of the author NewAge29
    Wait, I'm confused. It's a Clickbank product and you didn't make 40 Million dollars in 3 hours while sitting on a beach in a Ferrari with your private jet helicopter hovering above you just incase you need a quick exit?

    Weird.

    Anyway, I REALLY like your page - everything about it. And my reasoning is because of what I wrote above...It's not the typical crap!

    It's a letter by a real person who actually did what they are teaching and is willing to teach others how to do the same.

    It sort of reminds me of the old (and much, much better) WSO section they used to have here. Just a guy (or girl) talking about what they've done and about how they can teach others to do the same.

    Your issue will be getting real traffic. I can't see any of the clickbank lists promoting something like that.
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by NewAge29 View Post

      Wait, I'm confused. It's a Clickbank product and you didn't make 40 Million dollars in 3 hours while sitting on a beach in a Ferrari with your private jet helicopter hovering above you just incase you need a quick exit?
      Ha ha

      Weird.

      Anyway, I REALLY like your page - everything about it. And my reasoning is because of what I wrote above...It's not the typical crap!

      It's a letter by a real person who actually did what they are teaching and is willing to teach others how to do the same.

      It sort of reminds me of the old (and much, much better) WSO section they used to have here. Just a guy (or girl) talking about what they've done and about how they can teach others to do the same.

      Your issue will be getting real traffic. I can't see any of the clickbank lists promoting something like that.
      Thank you.

      Of course, if I take everyone's advice, I'd probably end up destroying the things about this letter that some people here have specifically said they liked. I am trying to be different by deliberately NOT using many of the more usual tactics generally seen on ClickBank sales letters, as you realise.

      But I think you may be right about CB affiliates and it's a shame really because this is the kind of product they should really be looking for i.e. one that is firstly a good product and that secondly does not make ridiculous claims but simply says exactly what it does on the tin and thirdly, one that actually converts (4.9% at present).

      Personally, I think it will appeal to people outside the IM niche who are looking for a way to earn income online and, from my research, are often put off by the typical CB sales letter.

      Will
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  • Profile picture of the author nova37
    1. Change the headline to a color that stands out more.
    2. Add in a little more info about the two bonuses, maybe a few thumbnail screenshots which can be enlarged.
    3. Use the Belcher button for the Add to Cart at the bottom.

    Other than that, your sales page and copy looks good.
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by nova37 View Post

      1. Change the headline to a color that stands out more.
      I dealt with the headline colour above

      2. Add in a little more info about the two bonuses, maybe a few thumbnail screenshots which can be enlarged.
      Thanks, I'll think about that.

      3. Use the Belcher button for the Add to Cart at the bottom.
      I did think about the Belcher button, but I don't want a static button image because I think they look unprofessional and I did not want to use the version that runs an external script to animate it because I think it could be unwise to depend upon an external script for a payment button. There may be nothing wrong with it, of course.

      Other than that, your sales page and copy looks good.
      Appreciate it.

      Will
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  • Profile picture of the author paul wolfe
    Will

    Firstly kudos for having the cojones for submitting yourself to the 'critique' process.

    Secondly I've got a couple of comments - and they'll be constructive - but I want to make clear that I am NOT a professional copywriter. Yeah I've written some sales pages for my website and yep I've been studying Copywriting on an ad hoc basis - but I'm not a professional copywriter. So please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. Use them if they help you improve your copy - or ignore them if you feel they don't.

    OK, that out of the way...here's some thoughts.

    1. The biggest element lacking for me is uniqueness - what makes your book so special? What makes it different from the hundreds of books out there on creating and marketing with Info Products? If there IS something truly unique about your book you're not selling it - and it may be that your 'uniqueness' is that your book is based on 'in the trenches' experience. If that's the case it needs to be drawn out more.

    2. Testimonials. I know some people are sceptical about incorporating testimonials - but testimonials can be great at removing objections. For example if you KNOW what the biggest objection to purchasing is, AND you have a few people available to give you testimonials - don't leave it to chance what they are going to say, send them a list of questions designed to elicit a response that will counter that objection. And make sure you get a picture of them - so visitors to the page will know that 'real people' have happily purchased from you.

    3. The Guarantee. This is a minor thing, in your guarantee you say this:

    "We are so confident that you will be delighted with your purchase that we offer the best guarantee on the internet. You can safely try our products for free because it is our policy to refund any purchaser who is unhappy with a purchase for whatever reason - unconditionally!"

    I think you mean that people can safely try your products risk free, rather than free. They still have to buy it - but they have a period where they can get a refund. Also I'd change the generic words 'our products' to 'Infomarketing Made Easy.'

    4. Bonuses.

    Three things about the bonuses. Firstly you can make them more valuable and more enticing to prospective clients by explicitly telling the prospective client how much each bonus is worth.

    Secondly - and this may be me because I use a Mac - but if I come to the page the bonuses may actually piss me off because they are PC orientated. Now I don't know what the Mac share of the market is - 5%? - so it may be that the share of the market may not be big enough to worry about.

    And thirdly is a PDF Writer really valuable enough to offer as a bonus? I believe that's a PDF writer you developed yourself - if it's got special features to make it worth while then you need to address the fact that it's better than the free PDF writers that are plentiful and readily available out there.

    Could you not create some bonuses that directly relate to the product that really add value? For example get someone to interview you on related topics? Or provide some checklists/workbooks to help people really implement the information in the book?

    5. The PS.

    In the PS you reiterate the guarantee....I believe that you should be reiterating why potential clients should be buying. It almost sounds defensive.



    Hope that helps you improve your sales letter - and again, kudos for having the cojones to submit it to public scrutiny like this.





    Paul
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by paul wolfe View Post

      Will

      Firstly kudos for having the cojones for submitting yourself to the 'critique' process.
      Hi Paul

      A very useful critique - thank you.

      1. The biggest element lacking for me is uniqueness - what makes your book so special? What makes it different from the hundreds of books out there on creating and marketing with Info Products? If there IS something truly unique about your book you're not selling it - and it may be that your 'uniqueness' is that your book is based on 'in the trenches' experience. If that's the case it needs to be drawn out more.
      My USP is that I have actually achieved what my prospect wants to achieve. This is not a letter from someone just hoping to hit a home run on Clickbank; it is from someone who actually earns his living online. That's why the first part of the letter is 'me' focused. My thinking is that it will come through to people who are looking for someone who can truly show them the way. Do you think this does not set my product apart?

      2. Testimonials. I know some people are sceptical about incorporating testimonials - but testimonials can be great at removing objections. For example if you KNOW what the biggest objection to purchasing is, AND you have a few people available to give you testimonials - don't leave it to chance what they are going to say, send them a list of questions designed to elicit a response that will counter that objection. And make sure you get a picture of them - so visitors to the page will know that 'real people' have happily purchased from you.
      Yes - I agree. I will use them when I have them. This is a brand new product and I have only sent out a single mail, yesterday. I have had 15 sales so far. Testimonials will follow when I have them.

      3. The Guarantee. This is a minor thing, in your guarantee you say this:

      "We are so confident that you will be delighted with your purchase that we offer the best guarantee on the internet. You can safely try our products for free because it is our policy to refund any purchaser who is unhappy with a purchase for whatever reason - unconditionally!"

      I think you mean that people can safely try your products risk free, rather than free. They still have to buy it - but they have a period where they can get a refund. Also I'd change the generic words 'our products' to 'Infomarketing Made Easy.'
      Thank you - a very valid point.

      4. Bonuses.

      Three things about the bonuses. Firstly you can make them more valuable and more enticing to prospective clients by explicitly telling the prospective client how much each bonus is worth.
      Yes - good point.

      Secondly - and this may be me because I use a Mac - but if I come to the page the bonuses may actually piss me off because they are PC orientated. Now I don't know what the Mac share of the market is - 5%? - so it may be that the share of the market may not be big enough to worry about.
      Yes - I know this annoys Mac fans. They can probably run them under the PC Emulator and I should get this properly checked out.

      And thirdly is a PDF Writer really valuable enough to offer as a bonus? I believe that's a PDF writer you developed yourself - if it's got special features to make it worth while then you need to address the fact that it's better than the free PDF writers that are plentiful and readily available out there.
      Yes it is. It includes MRR so they can resell it for profit. It is worth more than the cost of the package really (imho) but I don't make that clear.

      Could you not create some bonuses that directly relate to the product that really add value? For example get someone to interview you on related topics? Or provide some checklists/workbooks to help people really implement the information in the book?
      Yes - I wanted to take my own advice and get it out there. It will be continually improved over the course of time as, hopefully, will the sales letter. So including that type of bonus is something I will definitely take on board.

      5. The PS.

      In the PS you reiterate the guarantee....I believe that you should be reiterating why potential clients should be buying. It almost sounds defensive.
      Again - you're right. It is a sloppy PS. I'll rewrite it.

      Best wishes,

      Will
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      • Profile picture of the author paul wolfe
        Originally Posted by Will Edwards View Post


        My USP is that I have actually achieved what my prospect wants to achieve. This is not a letter from someone just hoping to hit a home run on Clickbank; it is from someone who actually earns his living online. That's why the first part of the letter is 'me' focused. My thinking is that it will come through to people who are looking for someone who can truly show them the way. Do you think this does not set my product apart?

        Will

        I think that is a great 'uniqueness' factor. I don't think the Letter really drives that point home as far as it could.

        Linked in with what I said on testimonials - when you have some people who have gone through the product and you ask them for testimonials, your questions should purposefully direct them to answer with that uniqueness factor. That way you can further remove objections to the people you are aiming the book at.

        What I like is the way you've reached out for feedback and are taking it on board. A lot of the time when people want feedback they want to be told how great they are, or how great their 'thing' is. Few people have the nerve to actually request 'real' feeback - and then act on it and improve.

        Again, kudos for that.

        Hope you have a great holiday season - and hope your lunch continues to be successful!



        Paul
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  • Profile picture of the author paul wolfe
    Oh - and hit send before I added this:

    The thing about the Resell rights on the PDF Writer, you definitely have to add that in.

    Plus you could also add in bonuses that you haven't created yet. Work out two or three extra bonuses - describe them, make sure people know they haven't been created yet, and give a creation date.

    That does two things - adds extra value - AND gives you a chance to communicate and deepen your relationship with buyers at a later date.

    HTH.


    Paul
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by paul wolfe View Post

      Oh - and hit send before I added this:

      The thing about the Resell rights on the PDF Writer, you definitely have to add that in.

      Plus you could also add in bonuses that you haven't created yet. Work out two or three extra bonuses - describe them, make sure people know they haven't been created yet, and give a creation date.

      That does two things - adds extra value - AND gives you a chance to communicate and deepen your relationship with buyers at a later date.

      HTH.


      Paul
      Hi Paul

      I really appreciate your comments. You have given me some very valuable feedback. I have already adjusted the guarantee, included the value of the bonuses and changed the PS to include the MRR on the EWP product.

      In addition, the above idea is brilliant and, for the record, I don't often go in for superlatives. It not only does what you have outlined, it also gives people an extra reason to hang on in there past the refund period. As this is directed at people who want to make money, this is a potential issue and you have proposed a good solution there.

      Thanks again.

      Will

      EDIT: I also pressed the button too quickly. I wanted to also say that your idea about testimonials is excellent. It provides a good way to draw out the USP.
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      • Profile picture of the author paul wolfe
        Ha ha

        I never thought about using that as a deliberate ploy to get past the refund period on an initial launch - but that IS a good idea to do that deliberately.

        I use deadlines for things I've not yet created because it makes me get off my lazy backside and actually produce something. If I know a number of paying clients are waiting for a specific date to get delivery of a piece of information or an MP3 or a video - then it focuses my brain on actually getting past the procrastination phase and actually doing it!

        But in future I'll be combining that with getting past the 30 day refund period!!! Good idea!
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        • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
          Originally Posted by paul wolfe View Post

          Ha ha

          I never thought about using that as a deliberate ploy to get past the refund period on an initial launch - but that IS a good idea to do that deliberately.

          I use deadlines for things I've not yet created because it makes me get off my lazy backside and actually produce something. If I know a number of paying clients are waiting for a specific date to get delivery of a piece of information or an MP3 or a video - then it focuses my brain on actually getting past the procrastination phase and actually doing it!

          But in future I'll be combining that with getting past the 30 day refund period!!! Good idea!
          I'm glad you got something you can use too.

          Thanks again for taking the time to review the page. I appreciate your time and the insight you provided.

          Have a great holiday.

          Will
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  • Profile picture of the author bikramksingh
    I scanned through the page, and If I were you I'd work on these things:
    1. Special offer box
    2. Add to cart button
    3. Guarantee badge
    4. Will keep the background color uniform because the moment blue turns into green my eye galze over and I get distracted. I do not think it is desirable for you.

    For the first three things that I mentioned, i always believe in axiom: why to mend if it ain't broken. I mean if the standardized box, button, and badge works well then why to experiment with that?

    It has more to do with meeting the expectation rather than give your viewers surprise when they come down to the order box. This is the same logic that works behind keeping the logo of the website on the top left and not anywhere else.

    hope, I was helpful.
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by bikramksingh View Post

      I scanned through the page, and If I were you I'd work on these things:
      1. Special offer box
      2. Add to cart button
      3. Guarantee badge
      4. Will keep the background color uniform because the moment blue turns into green my eye galze over and I get distracted. I do not think it is desirable for you.

      For the first three things that I mentioned, i always believe in axiom: why to mend if it ain't broken. I mean if the standardized box, button, and badge works well then why to experiment with that?

      It has more to do with meeting the expectation rather than give your viewers surprise when they come down to the order box. This is the same logic that works behind keeping the logo of the website on the top left and not anywhere else.

      hope, I was helpful.
      Hi Bikram

      Thanks for your comments. The first three things do work well for me on other sales pages I have that are already converting - that is after all where my stats come from. I'm not really sure what you mean by the 'standard' box, button and badge.

      As for the background, it's the site background, not just the page background - for the reasons you pointed out about the logo. Before that background, I did have a gradient blue.

      But you know, one day I thought that my site may have looked professional, but it also looked a bit boring. That's when I introduced the current background. I am certainly open to the idea of using a new background, but I want something that:

      * Is a large background that does not comprise page load speed
      * Is congruent with my personality
      * Fits the ethos and spirit of the site as a whole

      Cheers,

      Will
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  • Profile picture of the author Hostpany
    Its unique. I don't know weather thats a bad thing or a good thing, but I love the site & sales letter.
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  • Profile picture of the author saleswriter101
    Has this been mentioned yet ... your paragraphs are all about the same length.

    That's a big copywriting no-no, I believe.

    It does not make your page an inviting read, not at all.

    You can just split up what's already there. Have more single sentence paragraphs. Add some, even. Make them VERY short ... only two or three words long.

    Good luck!
    -Scott
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by saleswriter101 View Post

      Has this been mentioned yet ... your paragraphs are all about the same length.

      That's a big copywriting no-no, I believe.

      It does not make your page an inviting read, not at all.

      You can just split up what's already there. Have more single sentence paragraphs. Add some, even. Make them VERY short ... only two or three words long.

      Good luck!
      -Scott
      An interesting observation Scott.

      It was not intended.

      I'll take another look at that - thank you for pointing it out.

      Will
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  • Profile picture of the author KimboJim
    The sales page itself is pretty good, and I like that you don't overhype your product (thank God!). However, some of your writing does look a little awkward. Let me point out some instances so it doesn't seem like I am being mean without reason:

    -"At first, I had no thought of making money online"
    "I had no thought" would be better as, "I never thought."

    -"I just wanted to create a good quality free resource"
    "good quality" sounds odd here. I would replace it with "high quality" or just "quality."

    -"Actually, it was with my friends in mind that I began my new book."
    I think it would be better as: "Actually, I began my new book with my friends in mind." You could probably get rid of "Actually" as well, but it can stay there as well.

    Overall, a good sales letter, but I think a good edit of it would help.


    EDIT: (I forgot to add this before)
    I personally don't like how the website goes from blue to green. It took my concentration off the sales letter and I really didn't like it. However, words are my forte, not designing.
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by KimboJim View Post

      The sales page itself is pretty good, and I like that you don't overhype your product (thank God!). However, some of your writing does look a little awkward. Let me point out some instances so it doesn't seem like I am being mean without reason:
      You're not being mean - I asked for a critique and you are entitled to an opinion.

      -"At first, I had no thought of making money online"
      "I had no thought" would be better as, "I never thought."
      In copywriting, my sentence construction would probably be frowned upon, but your suggestion does not quite convey my intended meaning. However, I will think about that sentence as it is a very important one.

      -"I just wanted to create a good quality free resource"
      "good quality" sounds odd here. I would replace it with "high quality" or just "quality."
      Yes -I prefer high quality. I'll make that change.

      -"Actually, it was with my friends in mind that I began my new book."
      I think it would be better as: "Actually, I began my new book with my friends in mind." You could probably get rid of "Actually" as well, but it can stay there as well.
      The use of the word 'actually' ties in with the sub-head - it's not a filler word.

      EDIT: (I forgot to add this before)
      I personally don't like how the website goes from blue to green. It took my concentration off the sales letter and I really didn't like it. However, words are my forte, not designing.
      I dealt with the background above, but thank you for letting me know how you felt about it.

      Will
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  • Profile picture of the author Cameron Fulton
    Yea i agree with most people here. I like it. Looks good mate. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dee Syed
    Hi Will,

    Thought I'd take a look at this since I'm working on a copywriting product as we speak. The content of your copy seems fine - comes across as straightforward and honest. Two points I picked up on were:

    - Formatting/paragraph breaks. There was too much continuous text to hold my attention for the entire page and I ended up scrolling down and skipping bits. I was trying to read your letter through the eyes of an (impatient!) surfer and could have done with a bit more visual stimulation.

    - I didn't get a sense of urgency that I had to have this product (although the pdf creator alone would have made the buying decision for me). Maybe you could emphasize on the value of the bonus items more.

    Dee
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  • Profile picture of the author iThinkhard
    "They Laughed When I Told Them I Was Going to Make a Living Online"
    millions of people make their living online!! that statment could be laughable in the 90s but not in 2011.
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  • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
    Originally Posted by Dee Syed View Post

    - Formatting/paragraph breaks. There was too much continuous text to hold my attention for the entire page and I ended up scrolling down and skipping bits. I was trying to read your letter through the eyes of an (impatient!) surfer and could have done with a bit more visual stimulation.
    Thanks for your comment. We dealt with page formatting above.

    - I didn't get a sense of urgency that I had to have this product (although the pdf creator alone would have made the buying decision for me). Maybe you could emphasize on the value of the bonus items more.
    Again - we dealt with the perceived value of bonuses above. Links are now included for anyone who wants more detail, a monetary value has been included for each bonus and an extra bonus has now been added.

    Originally Posted by iThinkhard View Post

    "They Laughed When I Told Them I Was Going to Make a Living Online"
    millions of people make their living online!! that statment could be laughable in the 90s but not in 2011.
    And, of course, very many more people can play the piano.

    Originally Posted by schttrj View Post

    I agree with Rick here. It's a good read, but personally speaking, just because I am interested in what you wrote, I gave it a whole read. An average prospect might not have the same kind of patience.
    Every piece of copy that was ever written runs that risk. That is after all the main differentiator between copywriting and other genres

    Will
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  • Profile picture of the author HypeText
    Here is my opinion:

    1) I have never been a fan of run-on pages.

    2) It needs spice. You articulate well but the energy level is very low and the piece isnt engaging.

    To be honest I lost interest midway through the first paragraph.
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  • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
    Just a quick update on conversions for those interested.

    The offer has been pitched just once to my list. There were 379 visitors (clicks) from that mail, according to Aweber stats, and that resulted in 22 purchases. So the conversion rate, at present is: 22/379*100 = 5.8%

    Will
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    • Profile picture of the author iThinkhard
      Originally Posted by Will Edwards View Post

      Just a quick update on conversions for those interested.

      The offer has been pitched just once to my list. There were 379 visitors (clicks) from that mail, according to Aweber stats, and that resulted in 22 purchases. So the conversion rate, at present is: 22/379*100 = 5.8%

      Will
      How many asked for a refund? :p
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      • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
        Originally Posted by iThinkhard View Post

        How many asked for a refund? :p
        None

        Will
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        • Profile picture of the author Barry Unruh
          Originally Posted by Will Edwards View Post

          None

          Will
          Now that's a stat worth being proud of!
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  • Profile picture of the author Barry Unruh
    Just a few things I would change:

    "They Laughed When I Told Them I Was Going
    to Make a Living Online, But When I Showed
    Them My Steadily Growing Bank Account Their Jaw Dropped"

    "Then, at the end of the first year, someone clicked an ad and bought something. I earned $29 in commission. What a day that was: I will never forget that feeling of sheer exhilaration that went with earning my first income online. It is a feeling you will never forget when you make your first sale, either."

    "Along the way, I bought book after book and system after system always to be left feeling a little disappointed. Have you ever felt that way? In addition to my responsible day job, I worked every day on my web business. I did two hours before going to work and then another two hours in the evening and, in addition, I worked every Saturday."

    (btw, did you ever get angry or frustrated, or just a "little" disappointed? Real emotion will go a long way to bringing more life to the copy.)

    I like the look, feel, and message...it just needs to be punched up a bit, plus engage "you" more, as was previously mentioned.

    It would be fun to sit down with you over a cup of coffee or a couple icy beers and have you tell this same story after getting wound-up and excited a little bit. Right now it reads like you are explaining it, but are not necessarily EXCITED about it. I have read enough of your posts to know that is not true...you are excited about it.

    Barry
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
      Originally Posted by Barry Unruh View Post


      It would be fun to sit down with you over a cup of coffee or a couple icy beers and have you tell this same story after getting wound-up and excited a little bit. Right now it reads like you are explaining it, but are not necessarily EXCITED about it. I have read enough of your posts to know that is not true...you are excited about it.

      Barry
      Hi Barry

      Appreciate the critique. Some valuable points there.

      Obviously, you can't please everybody and, I am sure you would agree, it would be a mistake to try, but I have actually been reworking the letter as I have been receiving feedback. I think the headline and opening is now much stronger than my original.

      Will
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  • Profile picture of the author stephen de vries
    Great look and feel!
    I, personally, would center the sub-categories of "Making Money is Simple, Not Easy..." and "My Friends all Wanted To Know The Trick..." - the eye just sort of disconnects in concentration when it sees bold text, but reads it from the margin.
    But that's just me

    Great copy overall, though!
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