Tame Language Makes Tame Sales!

by Raydal
6 replies
As a copywriting coach I am often called upon to review and
critique my students' sales letters. There is one common defect I
come across often and it's the use of general language where more
specific words can bring the copy to life. But instead the
language is often tame, hesitating and noncommittal.

First, I would like to address the matter of being more specific
in your writing and demonstrate how this can bring your writing
to life. Consider the following sentences along with my
revisions:

Original: We stopped by the shop to eat some food.
Revision: We stopped by the Mexican restaurant and had four
Chicken Enchiladas.

Original: She expressed sorrow as she lost her most prized
possession.
Revision: She wept as they towed away her favorite Porsche.

In both cases it's easy to see that by replacing words of general
and broad meaning with a more specific word that the sentences
are more direct and meaningful. In the first case 'shop' was
replaced with Mexican restaurant, and food with Chicken
Enchiladas. In the second case, 'expressed sorrow' was replaced
by 'wept' and 'most prized possession' with 'favorite Porsche'.

Anyone who has studied the art of writing will agree than the
best way to get your reader's attention is to be concrete,
specific and definite in your writing. The simple rule is that
you should never use a 'category' word when you can use the
specific word.

Consider the following list of words and note how each word
becomes more specific than the one before: food, plants,
vegetables, greens, lettuce, romaine lettuce
. You'll want to use
'romaine lettuce' rather than 'food'.

Being specific has an enormous advantage of making your sales
copy more believable. The more details you can share, the more
likely your prospect will be convinced that you are telling the
truth.

Now one area where a copywriter is often called upon to be
specific is with regards to case studies and statistics. Consider
the following examples:

Original: One man used our product and he made a lot of money,
more than he ever did before.
Revision: Tom Haley, a truck driver from Michigan, bought Magic
Money and raked in $156,789.14 in 2008--that's $107,564 more than
he made the year before.

Now which of those two statements is more engaging? Which is more
believable?

Secondly, whenever possible you should avoid using negative
constructs and place statements in a positive form instead. You
will also want to use 'not' as a way to show denial but never to
be evasive. A few examples would suffice:

Original: He was not a very good-looking man.
Revision: He was ugly.

Original: She did not think that doing internet marketing was a
very good use of her time.
Revision: She thought internet marketing was a waste of time.

In both examples the original language is tame and wavering and
illustrates how inherently weak the word 'not' is. Your prospect
really wants to know what IS, not what's NOT. Hence you should
always try to express a negative in a positive form.

Therefore instead of writing 'did not love,' use 'hated', instead
of 'did not pay attention to', use 'ignored'--you get the picture.

Please note, however, that when you juxtapose a positive and its
antithesis it can be very effective. Thus: "not slavery, but
freedom". Also other negative words can be more effective than
'not' such as 'never' and 'seldom'.

Why not review your sales letters, articles and blog posts and
see where you could replace general words with more specific ones
and restructure those negative statements into positive ones.
You'll be surprised how your writing comes to life, and so would
your sales!


-Ray Edwards

#language #makes #sales #tame
  • Profile picture of the author Mark McClure
    Ray,
    Very true. Stratford-upon-Avon's star copywriter, W. Shakespeare, was a master at this too ;-)

    For seasoned professionals I think it becomes easier with practice and experience to start creating emotive and interesting copy even on draft #1.

    However, many new writers can get discouraged when comparing the work of masters against their initial efforts.

    The important lesson is to just get draft 1 written - it can then be dissected, poked and improved upon.

    Just like this reply ;-)
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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by Mark McClure View Post

      Ray,
      Very true. Stratford-upon-Avon's star copywriter, W. Shakespeare, was a master at this too ;-)

      For seasoned professionals I think it becomes easier with practice and experience to start creating emotive and interesting copy even on draft #1.

      However, many new writers can get discouraged when comparing the work of masters against their initial efforts.

      The important lesson is to just get draft 1 written - it can then be dissected, poked and improved upon.

      Just like this reply ;-)
      Hi Mark,

      That's a good point about getting the first draft done. I normally do these
      type of change at the editing stage, rather than trying th get it right the
      first time.

      So I would review the copy and see places where I was 'showing' instead
      of 'telling' and make the adjustments then.

      -Ray Edwards
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Johnson
    Thanks for the pointers. I think it is essential in copywriting to be specific and always tell the reader exacts.

    Like in amounts...always give cents. Don't say 'almost $1000'. Instead use the specific amount...$997.34. It adds credibility and believebility.

    ~Sarah
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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by Sarah Johnson View Post

      Thanks for the pointers. I think it is essential in copywriting to be specific and always tell the reader exacts.

      Like in amounts...always give cents. Don't say 'almost $1000'. Instead use the specific amount...$997.34. It adds credibility and believebility.

      ~Sarah

      You're right Sarah, especially in the headline you should give a specific
      dollar amount rather than round numbers, and if you cannot give an
      exact amount then give a range of numbers, such as "$500, $1,500 or
      even $5,000 per month" Still dollar and cents figures work better.

      -Ray Edwards
      Signature
      The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author TracyNeedham
    Great article! Being more specific and colorful is also a good way to include references that will resonate with and help engage your target audience.

    Tracy
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