35 replies
Hi Fellow Warriors, Please critique these 3 headlines. They are for a sales copywriting course aimed at internet marketers and would-be copywriters. Its USP is the use and explanation of the psychology behind human decision-making...

At Last! A Concise, Step-by-Step,
Easy-to-Follow Copywriting Course
That Reveals the Psychology Behind
Your Customer's Thinking
(and How to Exploit it!)
or
REVEALED: The PSYCHOLOGY Behind
Your Customer's Decisions
(and How to Profit From It)
or
"Discover The Science Behind
Why Your Customers Do What They Do
So You Too Can
Write Sales Letters
That Convert at Over 11.2%
in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time"
(Even if Your Old Copy Bombed)

Any constructive criticism would be appreciated
#critique #headlines
  • Profile picture of the author The Marketeer
    These headlines are a big improvement on all of your previous ones.

    I like this one out of all of them:

    Originally Posted by PsychoProfits View Post

    Discover The Science Behind
    Why Your Customers Do What They Do
    So You Too Can
    Write Sales Letters
    That Convert at Up to 11.2%
    in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time.
    (Even if You Flunked English at School)
    With the addition of the word "Too" in the 3rd line.
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  • Profile picture of the author Carl Juneau
    Hi Richard,

    You're obviously not a rookie copywriter.

    I like the 3rd headline best, because it's more specific (11.2%, 27 minutes) and the benefits are more clear (more conversion, faster).

    Maybe it's just me, but I stumbled on the first part of the sentence though. Maybe something about the W's and the and H's... This one might be more readable:

    Discover The PSYCHOLOGY Behind
    Your Customer’s Decisions
    So You Can Write Sales Letters
    That Convert at Up to 11.2%
    in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time.
    (Even if You Flunked English at School)

    By the way, where's that product? If you want advanced testimonials or something, I'm your man. Just email me at carljuneau@sixpackabsexercises.com.

    Thanks,

    Carl
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  • Profile picture of the author Carl Juneau
    There: I made it look good, because I like headlines that look good =)

    Discover The PSYCHOLOGY Behind
    Your Customer's Decisions
    So You Too Can
    Write Sales Letters
    That Convert at Up to 11.2%
    in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time.
    (Even if You Flunked English at School)
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    • Profile picture of the author Bshellz
      Originally Posted by Carl Juneau View Post

      There: I made it look good, because I like headlines that look good =)

      Discover The PSYCHOLOGY Behind
      Your Customer’s Decisions
      So You Too Can
      Write Sales Letters
      That Convert at Up to 11.2%
      in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time.
      (Even if You Flunked English at School)
      I definitely like the 3rd headline the best as well. The re-write above is very good so I would probably use that.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Another vote for option three. I would tighten the language though - there's the slightest bit of fluff messing with the flow (i.e. "even if you flunked English at school". Where else would one have flunked English? The coffee shop? The grocery store?)

    Good luck with the course.
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  • Profile picture of the author Elmar
    Number 2 draws me in the most. very powerful.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Richard,

      You'll get a higher click thru rate by telling the reader they can
      see/view examples of what you have..

      Test results came in from a split test last week, between showing examples
      and how to do it.

      The examples won by 51%.

      Doug DAnna's blockbuster mailer of the Retirement Betrayal was partly due to the actionable tips given in the letter.

      So tell them they can get examples of the desired outcome right in your ad/letter.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author PsychoProfits
        As always, great advice Ewen. You mentioned...

        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        You'll get a higher click thru rate by telling the reader they can see/view examples of what you have.
        Could you expand further on this? May I please private message you?
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by PsychoProfits View Post

          As always, great advice Ewen. You mentioned...

          Could you expand further on this? May I please private message you?
          Sure Richard,

          When people have too many choices and too little time today,
          letting them know there will be instant payback from seeing examples
          of what most interests them is better than telling them.

          Another words, "show me, don't tell me."

          The readers on the list were interested in copywriting.

          Open rates and click thru's were greater for the subject "examples"
          over "how to".

          Best,
          Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author linaO
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Richard,

        You'll get a higher click thru rate by telling the reader they can
        see/view examples of what you have..

        Test results came in from a split test last week, between showing examples
        and how to do it.

        The examples won by 51%.

        Doug DAnna's blockbuster mailer of the Retirement Betrayal was partly due to the actionable tips given in the letter.

        So tell them they can get examples of the desired outcome right in your ad/letter.

        Best,
        Ewen
        Phenomenal. And Richard, version 3 is awesome.
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  • Profile picture of the author belleinc
    I like: Discover The Science Behind Why Your Customers Do What They Do So You Can Write Sales Letters That Convert at Up to 11.2% in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time. (Even if You Flunked English at School) Because it gives actual numbers and specifics/facts in it. It uses that multiple of '7' that just seems to work for sum odd reason, and I like how you bring it full circle by telling the reader that anyone can do this (even if you flunked...) it peaks interest for sure. I'd continue to read on. 8-)
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  • Profile picture of the author videolover7
    Originally Posted by PsychoProfits View Post

    Hi Fellow Warriors, Please critique these 3 headlines. They are for a sales copywriting course aimed at internet marketers and would-be copywriters. Its USP is the use and explanation of the psychology behind human decision-making...
    At Last! A Concise, Step-by-Step,
    Easy-to-Follow Copywriting Course
    That Reveals the Psychology Behind
    Your Customer's Thinking
    (and How to Exploit it!)
    or
    REVEALED: The PSYCHOLOGY Behind
    Your Customer's Decisions
    (and How to Profit From It)
    or
    Discover The Science Behind
    Why Your Customers Do What They Do
    So You Can
    Write Sales Letters
    That Convert at Up to 11.2%
    in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time.
    (Even if You Flunked English at School)
    Any constructive criticism would be appreciated
    Good try at a hook, but psychology and science sound like work. Your target market is already overwhelmed, and now you want to add to their burden.

    Still nothing there that differentiates your course from others, sorry to say.

    VL
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    • Profile picture of the author ASCW
      Originally Posted by videolover7 View Post

      Good try at a hook, but psychology and science sound like work. Your target market is already overwhelmed, and now you want to add to their burden.

      Still nothing there that differentiates your course from others, sorry to say.

      VL
      The 3rd example separates itself with the specificity within the headline.
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    • Profile picture of the author PsychoProfits
      The differentiator is psychology (the science of). The course and all this brand's information will be about psychology (Brand: PsychoProfits). If the reader doesn't know what psychology is then they'll want a refund anyway so it's not a risk. Using the word psychology in the headline will differentiate and segment the target market. For these reasons using psychology or science in the headline makes good sense.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Marketeer
        Originally Posted by PsychoProfits View Post

        The differentiator is psychology (the science of). The course and all this brand's information will be about psychology (Brand: PsychoProfits). If the reader doesn't know what psychology is then they'll want a refund anyway so it's not a risk. Using the word psychology in the headline will differentiate and segment the target market. For these reasons using psychology or science in the headline makes good sense.
        Yes. I agree with your differentiation point.

        Having read your first draft, the way you explain the psychology behind every section is what makes it so special. It is quite fascinating to know how or why each part works.

        Most copywriters or marketers who know what copy is should know what the words psychology or science are.
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  • Profile picture of the author easymoneyman
    I like number 2....It has an interesting draw to it...
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Actually, I don't think you should put the course out.

    I can just imagine what your chapter on writing headlines is.

    Since the headline is about 80 percent of profit...

    I think you should pack it in and quit trying to pretend to be a copywriter.

    My main question is: Are you for real?

    You're doing a copywriting course and you can't even figure out a headline?

    I'm a copywriter/marketer and have been for most of my life...people like you that are just looking to make a quick buck off of internet marketing...all I have to say is.....

    You know if I could let it rip I would.
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    • Profile picture of the author LilBlackDress
      I also like option 3 the best also...

      Benefits in the title, especially clear ones such as the exact number of sales, conversions etc. can be very powerful.
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    • Profile picture of the author PsychoProfits
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

      Actually, I don't think you should put the course out.

      I can just imagine what your chapter on writing headlines is.

      Since the headline is about 80 percent of profit...

      I think you should pack it in and quit trying to pretend to be a copywriter.

      My main question is: Are you for real?

      You're doing a copywriting course and you can't even figure out a headline?

      I'm a copywriter/marketer and have been for most of my life...people like you that are just looking to make a quick buck off of internet marketing...all I have to say is.....

      You know if I could let it rip I would.
      I have been an online marketer since 1998. I have been a fulltime marketer for 30 years. I'm a fully qualified Chartered Marketer and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Marketing. I have degrees in Marketing and Computer Science.

      I have written the copy for over 70 website, most of which are top of their sector and make millions of dollars every year. I've written several books on Internet Marketing including the best-seller "The Small Business Guide to the Internet" (1998).

      This is a forum for professional copywriters, where else are professional copywriters supposed to get feedback?
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  • Profile picture of the author Burton Lancaster
    #3 for the win. It's states the value you prepare to bestow and sparks interest. Immediately when I read 11.2% and under 27 minutes I think about what that will do for my products. The previous two didn't really have anything to get my imagination going.
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  • Profile picture of the author cresad
    The last one attract me most, as its clearly shows about the result, which most sellers want from their sales letter. CONVERSIONS
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  • Profile picture of the author YasirYar
    My vote is for this one
    Originally Posted by PsychoProfits View Post

    Discover The Science Behind
    Why Your Customers Do What They Do
    So You Can
    Write Sales Letters
    That Convert at Up to 11.2%
    in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time.
    (Even if You Flunked English at School)
    You can also add a money back guarantee to this
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  • Profile picture of the author esco
    I like them all but I must say that the first one brings out the curiosity in me. It almost made my hair stand up. Headline 3 comes in a close second. Again, it is something about knowing what your customers are thing that makes you feel like you have an edge on your competition. And who doesn't want an edge?
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  • Profile picture of the author stookie44
    Hi Richard,
    Here is a rework for the headline

    Easily Learn"PsychoProfits"Proven Psychology Triggers and Be Able To Write In Only 27 Minutes - Successful- High Converting (11.2%) Sales letters


    Attached is some follow up copy that you might consider to go with the headline.

    Best, John
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  • Profile picture of the author Workfromhomeguy
    I will go with number three also. It tells me what you are selling and gives specific benefits. I would leave out the 'flunking English' line.
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  • Profile picture of the author alina75
    Hello,

    I like the number 2 and last one those are great....
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  • Profile picture of the author PsychoProfits
    Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

    Is there really a market for people who flunked English and want to be copywriters?
    LOL I take your point. I wanted to stress that it's a very easy-to-understand course with lots of examples etc. so beginners and the inexperienced can also get a lot out of it. Please tell me your thoughts or give another example
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    I found the first 2 to be uninteresting and the 3rd to be very unbelievable.

    Clayton Makepeace, the highest paid copywriter in the world, is thrilled with a 4% conversion rate and your talking about 11% conversion like they can be whipped up anytime you choose. Perhaps for red hot buyer lists or small markets yes, but I am very skeptical about the feasability of this without autoresponder sequences or a strong existing relationship.

    Quite simply I dont believe your headline

    While its perfectly possible to get 11% and higher conversion rates online, especially with a strong offer to a targetted market - this often has less to do with copy and more to do with other factors. So I am skeptical when I hear this and think, theres probably a lot more than just the copy that is driving those kinds of numbers.

    For example I was able to get conversion rates of 5% quite easily in some markets not because the copy was so brilliant but because the offer was much better than my competitors

    And theres a lot to do with keyword selection, the same piece of copy may convert at 11% to a house list or to highly targetted keywords but then when you try to expand your traffic universe the rates can drop like a rock.

    This is where the niche/specialization strategy became so popular online, its easier to raise your profits by having very narrow niches but this does not mean they are pulling in exceptionally large numbers.

    Also for other things like a product launch 11% is chump change, so I would like to see where, and how you are getting these numbers.

    Or for example WSO's you can easily do 5-20% conversion rates if the product is popular. A quick look at the stats for WSO's confirms this very easily.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dandybeer
    "Discover The Science Behind
    Why Your Customers Do What They Do
    So You Too Can
    Write Sales Letters
    That Convert at Over 11.2%
    in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time"
    (Even if Your Old Copy Bombed)

    Its good but looks
    unbelievable
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  • Profile picture of the author sajjadidr
    For the second one, I would phrase it as follows :-

    The PSYCHOLOGY Behind
    Your Customer’s Decisions
    (and How to Profit From It)
    NOWREVEALED
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  • Profile picture of the author Wendy Maki
    Originally Posted by PsychoProfits View Post

    Hi Fellow Warriors, Please critique these 3 headlines. They are for a sales copywriting course aimed at internet marketers and would-be copywriters. Its USP is the use and explanation of the psychology behind human decision-making...


    At Last! A Concise, Step-by-Step,

    Easy-to-Follow Copywriting Course
    That Reveals the Psychology Behind
    Your Customer's Thinking
    (and How to Exploit it!)



    or



    REVEALED: The PSYCHOLOGY Behind

    Your Customer's Decisions
    (and How to Profit From It)



    or



    "Discover The Science Behind

    Why Your Customers Do What They Do
    So You Too Can Write Sales Letters
    That Convert at Over 11.2%
    in Under 27 Minutes, Every Time"
    (Even if Your Old Copy Bombed)




    Any constructive criticism would be appreciated

    I prefer #2 with a slight rewrite:

    Discover The PSYCHOLOGY Behind

    Your Customer's Decisions
    (and How to Profit From It)

    I'd get more specific on the copywriting in a subhead or reworking the main a bit

    BUT I know specific numbers are supposed to sell but to my old jaded self I react very negatively to the specifics in #3 -- my BS detector goes off really loudly.

    Leave the "science" out of it. Psychology is more believable to me.

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