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Please criticize my sales page.

by GeoMasters
6 replies
Oops I meant critique. Hey guys, I rarely write my own sales pages because I'm a pretty terrible copywriter but I decided to do this on my own because it's about my personal business and who else to write about my business than me. Please let me know where I need spacing, bold words, etc. (I'm terrible at finding which words I need to put in bold.) I will be adding a sales intro video that goes before the text maybe in a day or two.

Also, do recommend what claims I need to get rid of. Is it FTC safe? I know I should really consult my lawyer on FTC stuff, but I'd like your honest opinion.

Please, show no mercy. Make me cry.

Edit: Thanks for the critiques I am currently editing my copy and will post up again soon.
#criticize #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author linaO
    GeoMasters, I'm still reviewing it, but here's two things to get started:

    Always double space after each sentence.

    Let your paragraphs "breathe". Rule of thumb IMO, one to two sentences max per paragraphs.

    I'll be back
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    • Profile picture of the author GeoMasters
      Originally Posted by linaO View Post

      GeoMasters, I'm still reviewing it, but here's two things to get started:

      Always double space after each sentence.

      Let your paragraphs "breathe". Rule of thumb IMO, one to two sentences max per paragraphs.

      I'll be back
      Thanks for those quick tips. Do you mean double space as in "I__am" vs "I_am" or paragraph double spacing?
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  • Profile picture of the author JoshClick
    GeoMasters,
    I'm no copywriting expert, but I do have some expertise in design and I'd like to point out a few things that you could improve with your sales copy.

    1) Break up your paragraphs more! Some of them are just much too long. Instead, try using several bullets for one main idea or slim down the content. Get rid of the fluff and talk about why each part will benefit the prospective buyer.

    2) Make the font size bigger or the page narrower. The paragraphs just feel unbalanced, especially in the beginning where they are short and wide.

    3)Once again, slim down the content and put one or two more calls to action instead of just one at the end.

    4) Take it easy with the bold. Use some italics and underlining instead, but ONLY use it when you really need to prove a point.

    5) Change your buy now icon to something that's more obvious. Who cares if its Clickbank? If somebody skims and can't find the buy now button, that's a problem.

    Otherwise, I like your use of Johnson Boxes. Just trim the content and break it up more, ESPECIALLY the huge paragraphs.

    Edit: regarding the use of bold...well the best thing to do is to check out some other, successful sales letters and see where they use bold.
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    • Profile picture of the author GeoMasters
      Originally Posted by JoshClick View Post

      GeoMasters,
      I'm no copywriting expert, but I do have some expertise in design and I'd like to point out a few things that you could improve with your sales copy.

      1) Break up your paragraphs more! Some of them are just much too long. Instead, try using several bullets for one main idea or slim down the content. Get rid of the fluff and talk about why each part will benefit the prospective buyer.

      2) Make the font size bigger or the page narrower. The paragraphs just feel unbalanced, especially in the beginning where they are short and wide.

      3)Once again, slim down the content and put one or two more calls to action instead of just one at the end.

      4) Take it easy with the bold. Use some italics and underlining instead, but ONLY use it when you really need to prove a point.

      5) Change your buy now icon to something that's more obvious. Who cares if its Clickbank? If somebody skims and can't find the buy now button, that's a problem.

      Otherwise, I like your use of Johnson Boxes. Just trim the content and break it up more, ESPECIALLY the huge paragraphs.

      Edit: regarding the use of bold...well the best thing to do is to check out some other, successful sales letters and see where they use bold.
      Hey, thanks a lot. I am in the process of breaking up my paragraphs. Good advice.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mel White
    The title font choice is a poor one because the SECOND line (with gray text, yet) doesn't make the PROFIT TACTICS stand out enough.

    I think I'd swap the second and third lines as well.

    BIGGEST FAULT -- this type of design is designed to work for people who go for information products. DJs don't do info products.

    Take a look at the products they DO buy:
    VIRTUAL DJ SOFTWARE - MP3 Mixing Software
    Serato DJ Intro | Serato.com
    Free And Easy Software Downloads | Music OasisDJ-Software

    They've got a striking image up top. The offer is put right in front of you in plain terms. No long sales letter. They use bullet points to highlight the selling features. I see you seem to be supporting it with other pages, which is good, but folks are going to hit the Wall O Text and click away before they see the name of the product or any bullet points.

    DJ's usually have the attention span of a hyperactive gerbil. Don't make them wait for gratification.
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