Please Review Revised Sales Page

13 years ago

I'm sorry to tell you this - but it still needs another complete rewrite.

The main problem is - your reasons for "needing to focus" aren't nearly strong enough.

Not finding the car keys, forgetting to feed the cat are annoyances (more so for the cat - believe me when you forget to feed the cat it won't be shy in telling you).

Most of the "reasons" you give are not causing big problems or ruining peoples lives. So no great need to bother with a guide.

The "big idea" should be - the major upsets and catastrophes they experience - when they don't focus.

You got a bit closer with "failed relationships" that could make a great theme.

Losing their job, not getting the promotion, not making any progress in life would also help show just how important "focusing" is.

Don't bury these in your copy. Emphasize them.

And prove that you really do have the ultimate solution.

With much more solid, unquestionable proof why it works.

And graphically show (in words and with pictures) just how fantastic and transformed life will be when people have this laser beam focus and incredible concentration.

The great things they'll achieve with it - reminding them about all the losses they'll constantly suffer without it.

Trigger their desires - get your audience thinking how phenomenal they'll become when they have this "new" ability.

Make them feel just how much they want it and must have it.

Steve

P.S. The layout needs to be improved.

Make the typeface a bit smaller. It seems to be shouting. And trying too hard to be noticed. But it's difficult to read. Ironically I lost my focus when I tried to get through the copy.

Split the paragraphs - never more than 5 lines on each one.

No ???? after your sentences.

Make your statement or benefit - then to get people to nod in agreement - say "isn't it", wouldn't it" or "isn't that what you want" etc

Don't do question marks on their own. They just look confusing.

Cap the first letter on the headline, more subheads (make them enthralling), power up the bullets (with massive impact).

Make the offer irresistible - a good "tie in" bonus would help. Maybe a "progress" chart. A day to day checklist, reminder notes...

The "guide" isn't expensive.

If it truly delivers tangible, quick, easy and effective results...

And if you make people feel a huge emotional need for your product - $9.95 doesn't seem like they'll get sensational information.

Because for less than 10 bucks do people really believe you can change their lives?

You might want to consider a higher price.

Thanks
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ewenmack 13 years ago

Hulbert,

A bit ironic, in that you are offering training on focusing,
but you are not when writing about it.

Here's a way around it...

Think of yourself catching up with your younger brother
who's going thru a really tough time at the moment.

He's let you know what it is that's troubling him.

He then goes thru the pain of it all and draws a bleak future of
all the "what might happen".

Then he wonders how he got in that mess.

See how this is a typical scenario when people are in trouble
and how it's played out with the internal dialogue, or with a confidante?

Well you put yourself in that conversation with that 1 person.

You would learn what the burning problem the person is facing,
how it's described, the language used for the trouble he's going
to get in very soon because of his mistakes.

You would describe how that came about because he wants to know.

Then you tell of the best remedy for his dire situation.

The reason why it is the best for him and why alternatives,
including doing nothing are a bad move.

Those are all decision making processes people have when in a tight spot.

Away from a sales person.

So going with this, and you are working with a persons
natural decision making process.

But first, you have to put yourself in that imagined conversation
with that ONE person.

Your letter then becomes a conversation with lot's of ONE's.

This is where your focus gets the job done.

Best,
Ewen
- Thanks
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- Collette 13 years ago
  
  Who are you talking to? Because your copy describes someone with ADD. And there's a pill for that.
  
  If the prospect reader has been diagnosed with ADD, then they're either taking, or not taking, their meds to help them focus. So why would they need a different "solution"?
  
  And if they haven't been diagnosed with ADD, do they suspect they have ADD? Do they have no clue? How are you going to help them?
  
  Nobody wants to learn to focus better just "because". They either have an medically-caused inability to focus, or they can focus, but they'd like to be able to focus better (for studying, work, whatever).
  
  You have several signposts buried in your copy, in the testimonials:
  
  "Do you find yourself easily distracted? Do you have trouble focusing on important tasks at home or at work? How to Focus Better: Ultimate Focus Guide is a clear, concise road map to understanding distraction and how to eliminate it." (Boom. This here, alone, could be your headline and subhead)
  
  "Do you have dreams and ambitions that never become a reality? You may work hard and have the best intentions, but have you ever thought that (the reason you never achieve your goals is because) you... lack focus?"
  
  "...you have... a sneaking suspicion that you could be doing your work better, faster..."
  
  "...simple tools that (you) can use, today... block out distractions... ...step-by-step approach..."
  
  Come to think of it, you could probably throw out all your copy, just post the testimonials, and improve your conversion rate.
  
  Thanks
  
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Keep Trying

13 years ago

Hey Steve, Ewen, and Collette, thanks for the feedback so far.

@Steve -- So you basically think that the copy addresses reasons that are not strong enough? I actually thought there were some strong points towards the middle of the sales page, where the bullet points were listed, but I'll check up on them to see how to make them stronger.

As for pictures, I had two images in the previous sales page, but someone told me to take them down as they draw attention away from the copy... Now I'm kind of confused. Could this sales page on focus be as effective with just words per se? And if I were to put up images again, what kind of images could I put up to compliment the copy without distracting an audience who already has trouble focusing?

As for the layout, what do you think of this one?

https://mail-attachment.googleuserco...DLwIg&sadssc=1

As for the typography, the reason I put it in such a big font is to help an audience who has trouble focusing (probably on reading) have an easier time staying with the text. I'll lower the font size a bit to see if it is better through, and reduce some of the paragraphs to less than five lines each.

Finally, I'm not too familiar with what you mean by subhead. Can you give me an example in focus?

@Ewen -- I liked your analogy with the younger brother in need of help. The only thing is I read in a book that your sales page should be exciting and enthusiastic. If I was in that situation with my brother, I would probably be very sympathetic and pamper him to do better in life. I'm not sure if that route is the best route to take when talking to someone who is in need of focus. I'm sort of getting that you want me to change the tone of voice here? If so, would you mind giving me a specific example of talking to someone of my audience to lead me in the right direction?

@Collette -- The copy is not specifically addressed to someone who has ADD, although a person who has trouble focusing might have ADD. Are you suggesting that only people who already "can focus" would be interested in buying this guide in order to "focus better," and that people who cannot focus would not be interested in this because they can just take a pill? I think it could go both ways... Couldn't it?

As for the second part of your reply, I'm not sure if posting just the testimonials with the product and the buy button would be a good idea. I think some copy is still needed.

Again, thanks guys for your responses. I'll see what changes I can make today, and look forward to your next responses.

Thanks
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ewenmack

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Keep Trying

@Ewen -- I liked your analogy with the younger brother in need of help. The only thing is I read in a book that your sales page should be exciting and enthusiastic. If I was in that situation with my brother, I would probably be very sympathetic and pamper him to do better in life. I'm not sure if that route is the best route to take when talking to someone who is in need of focus. I'm sort of getting that you want me to change the tone of voice here? If so, would you mind giving me a specific example of talking to someone of my audience to lead me in the right direction?

I'm trying to steer you in the direction of one problem, one solution.

A person who has marital problems will find the message not relevant
to the person you write to who has study pressures.

Your whole piece is a mix of who it could be targeted to,
but nobody thinks it will be relevant to them.

If you said in the headline, for example...

-----------------------------------------------------
"For Final Exams Students, Who Have To Positively Pass
Their Finals...
------------------------------------------------------

The reader knows it is for them and secondly you can put your message
in front of your target audience because you know where to find them.

Back to the analogy of little brother coming to you.

In this example he gripes about the last minute pressures mounting for his finals exam.

He knows there is parent pressure to pass.

He doesn't want to be seen as a failure.

He's thinking of the lousy minimum wage jobs he'll be forced to do.

He won't be able to buy that red sports car he's been dreaming about.

See how he's looking into the future?

It's bleak.

Before you go in with your solution, tell him why he got in that mess, and the
common reasons so many others do too.

Then you tell him your training will turn around his mess, but you can't give it to him for free because people who get stuff for free don't value it and miss-treat things for free.

You aren't going to let that happen.

And then you tell how it turned around your life with examples,
then of others you've helped to.

Then you wipe out fears of it being like something else
or he'd be better off doing nothing.

See how this is coming together now?

Best,
Ewen

Thanks
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Collette 13 years ago

What Ewan said ^^:

"I'm trying to steer you in the direction of one problem, one solution."

When you try to speak to everyone, you speak to no one. You need to focus your letter to a specific target so that the reader says, "Yeah! He's talking about ME - I need to get this!!"

Right now, your copy isn't going to elicit that response from anyone, because you're trying to talk to "everyone".

The copy in the testimonials gives you invaluable evidence as to what's important to your market - but you haven't adequately addressed any of those issues in your copy.

The testimonials, by themselves, do a better job of selling your product that your copy does. But, since the testimonials are way down on the page, most readers will probably already have left before they read them.
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Steve The Copywriter

13 years ago

@Steve -- So you basically think that the copy addresses reasons that are not strong enough? I actually thought there were some strong points towards the middle of the sales page, where the bullet points were listed, but I'll check up on them to see how to make them stronger.

As for pictures, I had two images in the previous sales page, but someone told me to take them down as they draw attention away from the copy... Now I'm kind of confused. Could this sales page on focus be as effective with just words per se? And if I were to put up images again, what kind of images could I put up to compliment the copy without distracting an audience who already has trouble focusing?

As for the layout, what do you think of this one?

https://mail-attachment.googleuserco...DLwIg&sadssc=1

As for the typography, the reason I put it in such a big font is to help an audience who has trouble focusing (probably on reading) have an easier time staying with the text. I'll lower the font size a bit to see if it is better through, and reduce some of the paragraphs to less than five lines each.

Finally, I'm not too familiar with what you mean by subhead. Can you give me an example in focus?

Hulbert,

As I said in my post don't bury the strong points in the copy. If you don't seize their attention at the beginning - they probably won't keep reading. And never reach the good points.

This Is A Subhead

It helps "break up" a long sales page with titles.

I mentioned pictures because people may have difficulty in "focusing" entirely on the copy.

You don't have to use any. Copy can and should sell on it's own.

Steve

Thanks
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Keep Trying

13 years ago

@Ewen + Collette

Okay, I think I'm starting to understand what you guys are getting at.

Basically this current sales page is not addressing a specific audience... right?

This current copy probably needs to be revised again.

But there's something still lingering in my mind. And before I make any major changes, I just want to be 100% sure about this concept of who to write the copy to.

I respect that you guys are gurus and all, and I'm sorry to challenge you, but for the sake of being on the same page, here is what I'm thinking and please let me know if you agree or disagree.

You imply to write to "a person who has marital problems" or to the person "who has study pressures."

But the only thing is... Isn't it risky to assume exactly who they are, and safer to write copy that addresses the problem as a whole?

I say this because I'm not a mind reader.

If you go to Google right now and type in three words: how to focus

And press enter, you'll probably find my sales page on the 2nd or 3rd spot of the 1st page.

The only thing is I have no idea what the 3000+ people a month are thinking when they type in that phrase.

Anything could be on their mind.

-They could be a college student who can't focus on studying.

-They could be a parent who can't focus because of marital problems.

-They could even be a teenager who can't focus on playing ping pong.

But out of these few thousand people who type in this phrase a month; I do know that they have one problem in common: they can't focus.

Wouldn't it then be smarter to write copy that address their problematic patterns (e.g. can't focus, trouble focusing, etc.), rather than their occupation (college student, divorced parent, etc.), in order to increase the chances of the solution reaching the hands of more people?

@Anton

Thanks for your honest reply. I'll have to think of a better headline. Do you have any good ideas off the top of your head?

I don't have any Swipe files. I'm not really sure what they are or how to get a hold of them.

Um, I don't have any other sales pages that are similar to my niche so it's kind of tough right now, which is why your guys' feedback is so helpful.

@Mal

Thanks for your feedback as well. Although I don't appreciate you using derogatory language on me, for the sake of learning humility from my mother, I will let it go.

It seems like the current copy is not descriptive enough for you? And that adding specific (and humorous?) stories might draw more empathy from the audience. I'll try to think of a story from the past that might help the reader relate to better focus. I'm just not really sure where I would place it in the copy.

As for the nice-looking page, I'm not sure if you actually meant it or were being sarcastic. But if the former, thanks I didn't really do anything and I've paid someone $50 to design a new layout to fit this copy. He's giving me unlimited revisions. Again, the only thing I've done here is write the guide, so from a copywriter's point of view, I have no idea if this is a good or bad looking sales page:

https://mail-attachment.googleuserco...DLwIg&sadssc=1

Alright, I'm going to sleep now. Thanks again to Steve, Ewen, Collette, Anton, and Mal for your guys' help so far!

Thanks
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Keep Trying

@Mal

Thanks for your feedback as well. Although I don’t appreciate you using derogatory language on me, for the sake of learning humility from my mother, I will let it go.

It seems like the current copy is not descriptive enough for you? And that adding specific (and humorous?) stories might draw more empathy from the audience. I’ll try to think of a story from the past that might help the reader relate to better focus. I’m just not really sure where I would place it in the copy.

As for the nice-looking page, I’m not sure if you actually meant it or were being sarcastic. But if the former, thanks I didn’t really do anything and I’ve paid someone $50 to design a new layout to fit this copy. He’s giving me unlimited revisions. Again, the only thing I’ve done here is write the guide, so from a copywriter’s point of view, I have no idea if this is a good or bad looking sales page:

What "derogatory language"??? You mean "poor *******"? Sigh. That's an Australian term of endearment that seems to have crossed the Ditch as well - I notice Frank Kern uses it. What a precious petal you must be if that offends you.

Humorous stories? I doubt whether you could pull that off but yes - use stories to illustrate a point.

Not being "sarcastic" at all and if you'd gone to the thread I referenced you might get it.

Know what? When I get replies like yours I think "Why do I bother?".

Thanks
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Steve The Copywriter

13 years ago

Hulbert,

We all went to a lot of trouble to help you.

During a weekend – when we should be relaxing.

Instead we wanted to make you some good revenues.

And as you said you did get the “guru’s” expertise – Ewen, Collette and Mal (The Copy Nazi) – many people would be absolutely delighted if these 3 offered to critique their copy.

Including me - and I've been in the copywriting game for 28 years.

And you got it all - free of charge.

Just as well - because as you mentioned – you seem to feel that $50.00 (with unlimited revisions) for a layout is a big chunk of cash (it isn't).

All the advice you got from them was excellent. And it'll make a massive difference to your copy.

However, in your replies, it felt you were trying to say that "you know best" - it would have been much more useful to you - if you had sat back and thought through what was said.

And then by all means ask for clarifications or further explanations.

You asked me what a "subhead" was - no problem. If you don't ask - you'll never know. But it does tell us - and it's not a fault - that you are an inexperienced copywriter.

So, I would listen to the experienced writers.

None of the opinions you received were derogatory.

There was a touch of humor and some hard-hitting comments.

All of it intended to make you realize your page does need improvements so you can make a lot of money.

Copywriting is not for the faint hearted - it's a tough business.

Your customers should be thrilled (providing your product is exceptional). Sending you glorious testimonials. Others will be antagonistic, some angry (if the “guide” doesn't deliver or fails to instantly give them super powers - yes some people will expect the entire universe and beyond).

And a high percentage won't make any effort to apply any of your techniques. And often try and find a way of blaming you for this. Unbelievable but it happens.

Many will blast you with their comments, complaints and opinions. A few will rip you off, swipe your stuff and demand refunds.

You're going to be selling in the wild world of the internet. Expect a share of the anarchy.

Your worldwide “audience” will have such a diverse range of personalities – so it might help if you get used to it.

Steve

P.S. To be fair you did thank everybody in one of your posts – another thing you could do is press their “thanks” button. It shows you really do appreciate their help. It's up to you if you use their advice - I think you'll find it very beneficial if you do.

[ 4 ] Thanks
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Collette

13 years ago

‎"The aim of marketing is to know and understand the customer so well the
product or service fits him and sells itself."

-- Peter F. Drucker: was an influential writer and management consultant

Wouldn't it then be smarter to write copy that address their problematic patterns (e.g. can't focus, trouble focusing, etc.), rather than their occupation (college student, divorced parent, etc.), in order to increase the chances of the solution reaching the hands of more people?

No. Copywriting 101. Know your target market. That is as basic a copywriting principle as there is.

And as basic a sales principle as there is.

Isn't it risky to assume exactly who they are, and safer to write copy that addresses the problem as a whole?

It is risky to assume that your product can solve the problem, as a whole. Because, if it could, you'd be a friggin bazillionaire already. NO product solves ANY problem, as a whole.

...I say this because I'm not a mind reader.

...I have no idea what the 3000+ people a month are thinking when they type in that phrase.

Anything could be on their mind.

Welcome to the "easy" world of writing sales copy. As a copywriter, finding out what is going through the mind of your prospect IS YOUR JOB.

And, yes, it is excruciatingly obvious that you have NOT done any work on trying to find out what is "on their mind".

That's why your copy isn't working.

But out of these few thousand people who type in this phrase a month; I do know that they have one problem in common: they can't focus.

And you really think that someone who "can't focus" is going to plod on through vague copy THAT DOES NOT SPEAK TO THEM long enough to ponder the possibility that maybe - just maybe - your product might - just might - solve their problem, as a whole?

It's glaringly obvious that you have based the entire pitch around YOU, what's important to YOU, and what worked for YOU.

Well, sorry, but your prospect doesn't give a damn about you. They care about themselves and their own problems. And they don't give a flying rat fart that whatever you're peddling worked for you UNLESS they KNOW it can work for THEM.

So if you're only giving them a vague and untargeted spiel of twaddle - are they supposed to read YOUR mind? Are they supposed to do your job, for you?

Good luck with that.

Because if you can make that approach work - to have a prospect do all the work of figuring out if your product is right for them so they can convince themselves to be excited about purchasing it - you will have blown centuries of proven salesmanship principles right out of the water.

[ 4 ] Thanks
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WinstonThaler 13 years ago
Let me tell you an easier way to write copy.
- No mind-reading
- No racking of brains
- No bullet-listing
- No market research
- No stumbling in the dark
Just throw all of that knowledge out of the window for the moment just because you're a greenhorn.

Finger lickin' good conversions busting fresh out of the stove for you. No gimmicks, nothing. Well, if you're not in for an easier way, then just ignore this post completely.

But first things first, you need to do the first step. But again, if you're not up for it, then just ignore it completely. (Second chance.) Or read on...

... Some great person told me if there's anything you need to be clear about (I'm going to pretend I have no idea who that guy is)... You need to be clear about your OFFER.

What is your offer's price?
Who is your prospect?
When does this offer stop/start?
Where do you get this offer?
Why is this an offer?
How do you deliver the offer?

Basic copywriting 101.

Now we've knocked over the boozed duck, let's get you over here to some good copy.

1. Find your prospect.
2. Grab a recorder.
3. Start talking to your prospect. Use open-ended questions. Tempt your prospect. If, somehow, you "sold" it...
4. Then you're done.

Once you're done, you pretty much have a piece of brilliant copy with smacking conversions. Once you've gotten at least that "layout", then you start thinking about small conversion things.

You've got no "rhythm" and "style" in the copy. KISS.

Stories? This? That? Well - just screw it all. Because you only need two things to make a sale. You need an OPEN, and you need a CLOSE.

Once you get those two components roughly sketched up, then start rewriting the drafts.

-Winston Thaler

P.S - You know why I'm recommending that method? You're too stuck in your own world. And hey, who doesn't want an easy way out?
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- Collette 13 years ago
  
  He already admitted that he doesn't know who his prospect is. How's he going to talk to his prospect if he doesn't know who he's talking to?
  
  He's already clear on his offer: He has a system that will help people focus better. The $1,000,000 question still is, "Help WHO focus better"?
  
  Consider this scene: I am a car salesman. I sell used Pontiacs. You are an investment banker. You are looking for a new car. You are interested in an Audi or a Lexus. Money is not an problem; you are buying for prestige to interest your clients.
  
  We meet at a party. As we chit and chat over the artichoke dip, you ask me, "So, what do you do?"
  
  "I sell cars." I say.
  
  "Why", you exclaim, "What a coincidence! I'm looking to buy a car!"
  
  "Great!", I say, "I can get you the most incredible deal on a Pontiac G5 with only 105,000 miles on it! Let me tell you what a great deal this is..."
  
  Whereupon, I launch into an exhaustive account of the G5's awesomely cheap wonderfulness... while your eyes glaze over, and you furtively search the room for the nearest exit.
  
  Can you see the problem here? Sure, I'm selling cars, and you want to buy a car, but YOU ARE NOT MY PROSPECT.
  
  Now, if I'd bothered to find out what kind of car you want to buy, before I launched into a mind-numbing catalog of features you aren't remotely interested in, we might have parted friends.
  
  However, any chance at a sale, even a referral sale, is blown because I didn't bother to find out what matters to you before I tried to sell to you.
  
  What a colossal waste of your time, and mine.
  
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  WinstonThaler 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Collette
  
  He already admitted that he doesn't know who his prospect is. How's he going to talk to his prospect if he doesn't know who he's talking to?
  
  Exactly my point Collette, maybe I didn't phrase it well enough. Not going against your point in any way.
  
  I usually group the offer together with the prospect - because you can't have an offer if there is no target prospect. There's no bargain if no one's interested.
  
  Great point on the car salesman - I think we all agree here. The OP needs to rethink his target prospect.
  
  Who exactly are you targeting?
  
  Don't target a group - you probably can't sell well to a group when you can't sell to just one. Write like you're talking to just 1 prospect in your target group. (And hence the 1-on-1 method)
  
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  Keep Trying 13 years ago
  
  @Mal - I did go to your thread. The only reason I said it was sarcastic was best most people who take a look at my current sales page design would scoff at the idea that there is no sales page design. That's why I said, if the former, I thank you for your compliment.
  
  @Steve - I appreciate your thorough responses. But in it you said, "...you seem to feel that $50.00 (with unlimited revisions) for a layout is a big chunk of cash (it isn't)."
  
  This is contrary to what I feel.
  
  Considering that the e-book interior page design cost $1,050, the previous sales page design cost $425, and this copy piece cost $300, $50 with unlimited revisions is relatively inexpensive compared to $1,775.
  
  I just don't want to make the same mistake again, wasting $50 as I did with $425 by not getting feedback on the new sales page layout design, which is why I put the link out here.
  
  You also said "...in your replies, it felt as you were trying to say 'you know best'."
  
  Not at all. I think that's the stupidest mentality to have - to think that you know everything.
  
  But I'm not afraid to challenge people if I don't know the answer to something. I think asking why something works is the best way to learn anything.
  
  Finally, I admit I don't know copywriting, which is why I wanted to spend this weekend here asking questions to answers that I didn't understand. If you feel like I was being arrogant, I'm sorry you feel that way because that wasn't my intention at all.
  
  I appreciate your criticism though since it helps me grow as person. This entire experience is a learning process for me, and I believe what Anthony Robbins said, "There are no failures. There are only results."
  
  I love this forum because people, including you and everyone else who has replied so far, are incredibly honest with their opinion and feedback.
  
  I know this product will sell. It has sold before. It's just a matter of putting the right puzzle pieces together, and I will continue to ask, get feedback, and make changes until this sales page works.
  
  @Collette - Thank you for giving me copywriting lesson 101. Starting this week, I think I will replace this copy with one that speaks more directly to a target audience, and then go from there.
  
  @Winston - That's a pretty good idea... Your concept of a sales page seems simple enough - revolve it around an "open" and a "close".
  
  But you said, "Stories? This? That? Well - just screw it all."
  
  Someone else above mentioned to use stories. Why do you say screw it?
  
  @Anton - Hey man, great timing with the Dan Kennedy quote. I think it sort of puts the cherry on top of the entire conversion we were having above.
  
  Alright thanks again to everyone for your support! Based on all the suggestions that I've gotten here over the weekend, I'll let my copywriter know that there are some changes that should be made, and work with him to improve it in the upcoming week.
  
  Readers note:
  
  The posts above pertain to the new sales copy posted up on Saturday: Example | How To Focus Better
  
  They no longer pertain to the old sales copy posted up today: How To Focus Better
  
  Thanks
  
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  Collette 13 years ago
  
  "...I'll let my copywriter know that there are some changes that should be made, and work with him to improve it in the upcoming week."
  
  Glad I could help, but...
  
  You have a "copywriter"??
  
  MOG.
  
  With all due respect, you need a real copywriter.
  
  Thanks
  
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Anton Nadilo

13 years ago

Sorry to say this but I agree wholeheartedly with the comments of all the other posters here.

For me the one thing it lacks is a strong and compelling headline - the cornerstone of all good copywriting. I read the headline and stopped there.

If you want to use this sale page to sell a product it has some ways to go before it will have any chance of converting.

Oh...do you have a collection of "Swipe" you are working from and to garner ideas.

Have you looked at the sales pages of other "related" products??

Keep trying mate...you will get there.

cheers

Anton

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 13 years ago

The whole "I discovered an incredible secret" thing is a fizzer (a firework that doesn't go off).

"It's a miracle. It's a secret"

Backed up by your lame story.

I went through all the crap and torment a lack of focus could lay on me; ruined relationships with exes, strained relationships with family and friends, ruined college grades, missed opportunities, a lack of knowledge due to me not being able to concentrate on reading for much longer than 10 seconds.

You know what I mean; that annoying event where you read the same sentence 15 times and it still doesn’t sink in.

You had a ruined relationship with an EXE file? Poor *******.

Thing is...this could work...if there were a demand for whatever it is you're selling...but the copy is dead. I'm sure you have stories to go with the things you talk about above. How did you lose girlfriends through lack of focus? (the imagination goes into overdrive). What happened with friends and family? (Did you put your fathers new car into the lake?). Did you flunk college because you were watching porn in your dorm rather than studying?

What's the story? Then maybe you'll get some EMPATHY. Then maybe we'll be interested in looking at your product. But as it is...

Nice-looking page though. Did you see the "Naked" thread I posted yesterday?

Oh yeah - the title "Ultimate Focus Guide" - desperately needs "sexing up". That sounds to me like the title to a photographic book. And it's a dead duck.

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Anton Nadilo

13 years ago

The great Dan Kennedy said once...until you get inside your customer head you are wasting you time putting pen to paper.

You need to be fully "in tune" with your prospect. Without understanding your customers and getting inside their head your sales copy WILL fail or at least convert miserably.

Cheers

Anton

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Mark Pescetti

13 years ago

You don't come off as a leader at all.

Your copy only skims the surface of the frustration, anger, desperation and depondance that people feel when they can't focus.

Leaders must demonstrate their ability to trigger emotion in the sales copy...

...otherwise you're not pulling anyone in and your words come across as... well, just words.

Next...

Ask yourself:

"What are my prospects leaving on the table by lacking focus?"

Okay, so you got a few bullet points.

But you need to dive into the circumstances that commonly manifest in people's lives when it's a huge struggle to get even the simplest task completed.

And as far as finding a niche goes:

Your website lands in a broad market.

In my opinion, you should abandon your current direction and create a more traditional website, where you can target the top focus-deficient archetypes.

You also need to dive into the reasons for WHY people struggle to focus, like:

...not taking care of themselves (e.g. Eating toxic foods, drinking, smoking, never exercising, etc.)

...not knowing how to create structure in their lives (e.g. Some people easily create the organization they need to be productive, while others don't even have a clue HOW to accomplish this task. Thus they always feel overwhelmed... And can't focus.)

...not accepting that it often takes hard work to get where they want to be in life (e.g. Both men and women sometimes have that "princess" complex, where they just don't feel like they should have to work. So they put everything off until the last minutes and "show up" ill-prepared to conquer the task at hand.)

Anyway...

If you want to be the leader; the authority in your market, you need to demonstrate you know what the hell you're talking about...

...because right now, you most certainly don't come across like you have any insights worth my time or investment.

Again...

If you got the traffic coming to your site, you better get your act together and communicate deliberate emotion, information, branding and awareness...

...or you'll reputation won't ever command any respect from your audience.

Mark Pescetti

P.S. I laughed out loud at this:

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

What "derogatory language"??? You mean "poor *******"? Sigh. That's an Australian term of endearment that seems to have crossed the Ditch as well - I notice Frank Kern uses it. What a precious petal you must be if that offends you.

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knish

13 years ago

Your prospect's interest IS NOT your story, of how you learned your skills or whatever. His really interest is in himself and how he can solve his problem most easily. For that reason try to focus your copy exclusively on the reader's self-interest, not your story. Good luck with your "Ultimate Focus Guide" ebook.

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