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Sales Copy Opinion required

by etaiconsulting
14 replies
Thanks to everyone for your guidance!
#copy #opinion #required #sales
  • Profile picture of the author spaculus
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Shadowflux
      Hi!

      I took a look at your copy and here are a few notes, in no particular order:

      I think it looks pretty good, it isn't overly long, the graphics are nice and there isn't too much hype.

      You started by talking about Panda but some people might not know what it is. It might help to mention that Panda really centers on content. The best way to get that content out to large numbers of people is through RSS. Submitting to RSS directories can be tricky and time consuming but not with this product. See where I'm going with this?

      I think you should also focus on the customer. "You" is one of the most effective words in copywriting. Your website can reach thousands of targeted visitors. You can increase traffic and conversions.

      Also, your bullet points are sort of redundant. Try to come up with about 5 different points like: Tap into a HUGE goldmine of new visitors. Make sure your visitors are LASER TARGETED. Decrease junk traffic and reduce bounce rate. etc etc

      Over all, it's not bad. If you need any more help feel free to contact me.
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      • Profile picture of the author etaiconsulting
        Thanks Shadowflux!

        Appreciate your inputs and time. I will be working on it again and will be posting an update.

        Will reach you should I get stuck again

        Originally Posted by Shadowflux View Post

        Hi!

        I took a look at your copy and here are a few notes, in no particular order:

        I think it looks pretty good, it isn't overly long, the graphics are nice and there isn't too much hype.

        You started by talking about Panda but some people might not know what it is. It might help to mention that Panda really centers on content. The best way to get that content out to large numbers of people is through RSS. Submitting to RSS directories can be tricky and time consuming but not with this product. See where I'm going with this?

        I think you should also focus on the customer. "You" is one of the most effective words in copywriting. Your website can reach thousands of targeted visitors. You can increase traffic and conversions.

        Also, your bullet points are sort of redundant. Try to come up with about 5 different points like: Tap into a HUGE goldmine of new visitors. Make sure your visitors are LASER TARGETED. Decrease junk traffic and reduce bounce rate. etc etc

        Over all, it's not bad. If you need any more help feel free to contact me.
        Signature

        Etai
        WPRSS
        WPSOCIALBLAST
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        • Profile picture of the author valuecreator
          the only things I would change is:

          - the header. this is your prime real easte, your hook. I would reduce the name of your product to something that fit in the left corner. for the rest of the header, put this: a benefit (from the copy), a social proof, your picture or your bob's, a phone number, an official looking shield (even if you need to make it), where you were mentioned.

          - your sub headline is too small and grey. make it bigger, in black, and just put 3 bullet points of benefits. It's ok to be redundant, the more you say it the more it's a fact!

          These changes will boost your conversion automatically.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ken Hoffman
    There's too much going on graphic-wise. If you take all that away, there's really not enough copy to convince anyone. Replace the headline with the next sentence about the "rat race." That line is much more compelling. The current headline is keeping people from wanting to continue reading. Ultimately, both the graphics AND the copy are choppy. There needs to be a nice flow through the sales letter, both visually and the the copy. And sizing needs to be proportional. You've got bullets that are super tiny. And you've got subheads that are huge.
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    • Profile picture of the author etaiconsulting
      Originally Posted by Ken Hoffman View Post

      There's too much going on graphic-wise. If you take all that away, there's really not enough copy to convince anyone. Replace the headline with the next sentence about the "rat race." That line is much more compelling. The current headline is keeping people from wanting to continue reading. Ultimately, both the graphics AND the copy are choppy. There needs to be a nice flow through the sales letter, both visually and the the copy. And sizing needs to be proprotional. You've got bullets that are super tiny. And you've got subheads that are huge.
      Ken- Appreciate your inputs!

      Originally Posted by clove View Post

      1. Copy is too cluttered; leave enough whitespace for the reader not to feel overstimulated.
      2. Headline needs work. It tells me absolutely nothing about your product nor is it useful to me. NOR does it move me.
      3. Don't use questions in your copy unless you have a clear reason for doing so. I don't think these particular questions help your conversions.
      4. Your postscripts are killer weak. Postscripts should offer something, not threaten or remind.
      5. Don't keep switching between the first person and second person throughout your copy. Choose one, or switch permanently at some point in the copy.
      6. Try using verifiable adjectives in place of subjective ones (e.g., "best").

      Click "thanks" if this helped you. I usually charge for this.
      Clove! Again, thanks for your help. Have sent you a PM as well.

      Originally Posted by valuecreator View Post

      the only things I would change is:

      - the header. this is your prime real easte, your hook. I would reduce the name of your product to something that fit in the left corner. for the rest of the header, put this: a benefit (from the copy), a social proof, your picture or your bob's, a phone number, an official looking shield (even if you need to make it), where you were mentioned.

      - your sub headline is too small and grey. make it bigger, in black, and just put 3 bullet points of benefits. It's ok to be redundant, the more you say it the more it's a fact!

      These changes will boost your conversion automatically.
      Thanks Valuecreator! Will work on the header piece to improve.
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      Etai
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  • Profile picture of the author Will Edwards
    My suggestion: change ...

    "Have you always been trying to rank your website on Page 1 of Google?."

    I think this might be better ...

    "Are You Frustrated, Exasperated or Downright Sick and Tired of Trying to Rank Your Website on Page 1 of Google?"

    Good luck with it,

    Will
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    offer isn't clear.... its not clear why i need this... why i'm struggling without it...

    what do you have?

    why do i need it?

    whats it going to do for me?

    what do i need to do to get it?
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  • Profile picture of the author etaiconsulting
    Thank you for your time and guidance. I have updated the copy today and it looks to me a bit more better. Of course I still need to wait for some more feedback on the updated copy from the fellow warriors...

    Thank you once again!
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    Etai
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  • Profile picture of the author maestro_mr
    My suggestion :

    "How would you like to have ______________ in ________(time limit)"
    "Who else want to have _______________ "

    Get their attention quickly, plus maybe you can use graphic marketing instead.

    Amru.Sahmono
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  • Profile picture of the author valuecreator
    hey I got your PM, if you want to send me a copy for review, here my email:

    polaritydance [at] mail.com

    cheers,

    seb
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  • Profile picture of the author Salesmanship In Print
    Your writing doesn't have clarity. For one thing, you have a huge, highlighted headline reading "You've Got To See This!," but then go right into a long paragraph that loses all momentum, and gets bogged down. I don't see any big, clear promise at the top of the page that would grab my interest enough to wade on down through the clutter. You can't be effective by simply plastering huge catch-phrases all over the place (such as "Check This Out!")...these provide no useful information at all. And no salesmanship in print.

    Imagine yourself as a person...talking to another person. Would you speak like this to them? (yelling out useless phrases to punctuate your conversation). Would they want to listen to you if you did? Would they buy from you? I would suggest a more conversational tone, and also to make a very clear promise in the headline. And by the way, go back and work on your grammar and sentence structure. For example, the paragraph at the top right of the page (under the heading "Watch This Video To Discover The Secret Traffic Source"). This whole section is essentially gibberish.
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  • Profile picture of the author Salesmanship In Print
    Oddly enough, in my opinion you'd have a better page if you scrapped almost everything on the top half of the page, and simply started off with the section just below the part that says "Stop Right There! I have something very important to tell you...keep reading."

    In other words, the following line would be a more effective headline than the one you have now: "Introducing WPRSS - The Only Solution You Will Ever Need To Get Laser Targeted Visitors To Your Website"

    See, that has clarity, and it makes sense. Forget trying to be a fancy copywriter, with all the silly flourishes, and just write something that's clear and to the point. Get rid of the whole top half of the page and nothing much is lost. Except maybe the video. I didn't watch it, but I suppose it should be on the page, near the headline.
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  • Profile picture of the author etaiconsulting
    Thanks John. Appreciate your inputs. I am not really into copy writing and do not intend to get into that line of business either.

    I am trying to work out my way up the ladder to make some money so that I can pay a professional to do the job next time onwards.

    Your suggestions do make sense, and will be working on them tonight... thanks once again!
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    Etai
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  • Profile picture of the author ASCW
    Bad headline - and its also not congruent with your big promise.

    1st on Google?
    Tons of traffic?
    Power of RSS unleashed?
    WHICH IS IT?!

    Also your opening paragraph and especially opening sentence is a complete and total disaster.
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    Site being revamped.

    If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

    Cool.

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