Will This Sell? Critique Please

24 replies
I've worked on the headline and lead

You'll find them here

Attention Internet Marketers V3

I really appreciate your help and advice.


Thank you in advance - your suggestions and feedback are appreciated....ml

Attention Struggling Internet Marketers

Finally the Remarkable Secret to
Exponential Sales and Profit

After Six Years, Countless Courses, Thousands of Dollars Invested and Letter after Letter…

…I Finally Get It - And so will you.

If you have ever struggled to get the results you want from your sales letter or marketing material then this message is for you.

The answer will surprise you. In fact you’re probably going to be amazed! This secret has doubled, tripled and more the performance of each sales letter it’s used on every single time. It has outperformed any element in any market since the dawn of time – it’s that good.

How good is it? If your letter isn’t using it you’ll never get the results you want – ever. It’s the saving grace of all marketing material across the globe in every market. You can use it in video, audio, written material or even spoken across a table.

What is this fantastic secret? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you in a moment. However, before I tell you what it is, let me tell you a few facts that explain why this element is so darn good.

  • It will motivate your prospects to take action
  • It will persuade people without them knowing why
  • It’s so subtle you’re reading it now
  • It inspires people to do things they never thought they would
  • It influences peoples decision making process
  • It’s used repeatedly in every selling situation
  • It will captivate any audience to practically buy on command
There is more. A lot more! But I don’t want to keep you in suspense any longer. The secret money-making element that produces more sales than anything else is the use of emotions.

Yes, it’s true. In terms of sheer bottom line profitability, emotion has been the absolute best tangible element of superior marketing and sales of all time. Are you surprised? Probably not! You’ve heard it a thousand times. But why is it so elusive?

Because it’s a right brain activity, most of us are logical and analytical. Especially when writing sales copy it’s just not easy to do. Sure you can research your markets hot buttons til you’re blue in the face but if you struggle putting them on paper you’ll never get the results you want.

So, if you’re anything like me (or most other internet marketers) and you’re struggling to get the results you want for your marketing pains. You’re at the right place at the right time.

I’m going to make you a ridiculous offer that you won’t be able to refuse.

If you do you’ll thump yourself later for not accepting it because it’s that good.

I’ve been a struggling copywriter for over 6 years. Like you, I’ve written my own promotions and I failed miserably. I’ve been paid to write for other marketers and didn’t help them get the results they hoped for. It’s bothered me – A LOT!

So I went through my material to find the element that makes all writing fail when it fails. I went back to all of my copywriting courses looking for that one single thing that I was missing. I studied all the block buster promotions looking for that one solitary ingredient that pushes it over the top. I studied all the great stories, movies, and writings that have always been inspiring and motivating. And finally I found it. But more importantly I discovered how to use it.

So, here’s my offer. I’ll help you and you can help me. Allow me to write a new sales letter for your product, throw some traffic at it and if it converts better than your current sales letter you can pay me. More importantly – I want your testimonial; in fact I need your testimonial to get bigger and better clients. You need me to help you improve sales.

You have absolutely nothing to lose. If my letter doesn’t work, you don’t pay me. If my letter doesn’t outperform your current letter, you don’t pay me. If my letter completely bombs you owe me nothing. You only pay me when I get results.

You have to keep track of your results though. And I’ll do my best to write the most emotionally packed, emotionally compelling copy you’ve ever had.


You must allow me to review your product and it must be good – nobody can write great money-making copy for a lousy product. So call or email me now to get started.

I can only write so many – call me right away.

I’ve sent this letter to some of your competitors – if you don’t take me up on my offer somebody will, and if it’s your competition don’t wonder why they’re out selling you.

You’ll know why!
#copywriting #critique #emotional copy #emotional copywriting #sales letter #sell
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Mike,

    It needs editing, at the moment it reads like a first draft not a finished sales piece.

    Your headline's generic and bland.

    If you're pitching emotion, use an emotional pitch (and emotions are intangible, not tangible).

    There's no proof and credibility elements.

    Are you sure you want to admit it took six years before you worked out one of the fundamentals of selling? And why should the reader believe you've turned the corner now?

    Make your offer more specific, if you don't want to give a dollar figure at least make it clear whether you're affordable, or not cheap, or whatever.

    "More importantly – I want your testimonial; in fact I need your testimonial to get bigger and better clients." - Always a good idea to let potential clients know just how much you value them.

    Andrew Gould

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    • Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

      Hi Mike,

      It needs editing, at the moment it reads like a first draft not a finished sales piece.

      Your headline's generic and bland.


      No emotion, no excitement - what are you even selling?

      Andrew's got it right. Also, change your font and structure your copy better (i.e space it out and make it look better/easier to read).
      50% converting squeeze pages, 12% converting WSO's, and more...
      BenPalmerWilson Copywriting
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      • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
        Like Andrew said, If I was a business owner I would take "I need your testimonial to get bigger and better clients." as a knock against my business, like you think I am bottom basement that's why your starting with me. I would probably ball it up and throw it in the trash after reading that single line.
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        • Profile picture of the author luckyone2012
          i personally think there is too much text and noone will actually read it. make it shorter, stress only the important things, say how it helps and how bad it will be without it. either the product helps or it prevents. ps. pay attention to spelling)
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      • Profile picture of the author jlarkin353
        Originally Posted by CharismaticMannequin View Post


        No emotion, no excitement - what are you even selling?

        Andrew's got it right. Also, change your font and structure your copy better (i.e space it out and make it look better/easier to read).
        Totally agree with this. I am not a huge fan of so many font size changes either
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    • Profile picture of the author netpulse45
      i would agree on perking up with some testimonials -
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  • Profile picture of the author Techology
    Rather than using what is sort of a WSO style pitch I would write it straight from the heart, say what you mean and keep it short and sweet.

    And how about offering your services free for a while to build a reputation? Nothing sells better than recommendations.
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  • Profile picture of the author johnpea
    Yes Charismaticmannequin has it right - people need to know from the word go what it it you're selling. If they can't find that within the first two seconds they'll be off elsewhere.

    Remember to identify the problem that your product is going to solve immediately - remember that when people search for electric drills, what they really want is a hole, the drill is just a means to an end...
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  • Profile picture of the author CurtisSWN
    The selling seems labored, just tell them what you'll do: write sizzline irresistible copy that will sell their stuff. You're trying to stress the benefits, but I think the same message could have been delivered with half the copy.

    I would not mention how you struggled in the past, it's irrelevant. They don't care about your struggles, they just care about you delivering good copy in a timely manner.
    Simple Two Step Formula
    Earns Me Over $146.72 in 12 Hours. This is Weird, But it Works!
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  • Profile picture of the author wlasikiewicz
    You need to get all your editing done before anything else buddy.
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  • Profile picture of the author stemdrea
    OK, after taking my medicine...

    I should have explained a little about this original letter up front. I originally intended to use it as an email to select website owners within my niche. I used an outline from a marketer that I thought would be quick and easy - my bad! (I should have previewed the first letter before submitting it - didn't??? Bad formatting)

    So I quickly threw that letter up hoping you would pat me on the back and tell me how smart I was - wrong. I'm humbled! So with your opinions and advice I went back to the drawing board and took my medicine (your advice) and spent more time writing the next edition.

    For some reason I've really, really struggled infusing my copy with emotion - guess it's because growing up I wasn't allowed to have emotions or I got beat up. So I've become very good at suppressing my emotions. Hard to write emotional copy when you aren't allowed to express your emotions - anyway my problem not yours.

    Meanwhile back at the ranch...

    Here is the link to Google Doc's for the newest version - please be kind with your critiques I really do know what I'm doing. I've just lacked some really good feedback.

    Attention Internet Marketers V2

    You can post your comments there or here - again thank you for your comments...ml

    I love this place - you're brutal but honest... And I feel that you really want to help me - I need it! Thank YOU Again
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Mike,

    As before, it needs editing (try reading it out loud, it'll help you catch most of the problems).

    The headline's not as strong as it could be - the message is fine but it can be phrased better and I'd expand on it just a touch as well.

    Your lead is really just repeating the headline.

    You don't tell the reader who you are.

    Your testimonials break the flow before you've really had a chance to say anything, I'd move them further up or, if you're emailing this, probably further down.

    And don't call them testimonials.

    You want to give more detail for the case study, and it really needs editing as it doesn't flow.

    The copy's very I-centric, try to make it more about the prospect.

    Be more specific than "your niche".

    Are your prospects going to know, and care, who Kennedy, Makepeace, etc are?

    I'd put your last line ("So if you're getting this email...") somewhere in the lead and I'd personalize each one you send. Then, straight after the lead I'd give 3-5 conversion tips (specific to their site) to give value and establish you know what you're talking about.

    You haven't signed off.

    I wouldn't bother with a word limit on your squeeze page offer, you're either going to create the best page possible, or you're not (plus, without counting, I don't think you need anywhere close to 1000 words for a quality squeeze page). And give it a value.

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author 1robert
    The head of the sales letter sounds like all the make $1,000,000 while you sleep sales letters I always see... and never read.

    And I'm not a big fan of the opening ... if you want this amazing benifit, then this will be the most important message you ever read.

    Sorry. I just think this opening is used WAAAAAY too much.

    The quote below did get my attention though. Maybe you could start from here.

    Originally Posted by stemdrea View Post

    This secret has doubled, tripled and more the performance of each sales letter it's used on every single time.
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  • Profile picture of the author aussienet12
    I think you need to some some passion in your product and possibly some real life examples / case studies.

    We can't always take the word of the salesman.
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  • Profile picture of the author stemdrea
    I've worked on the headline and lead

    You'll find them here

    Attention Internet Marketers V3

    I really appreciate your help and advice.
    (is there a way to edit the original post?)
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hi Mike. You say it's for web site owners.

      Do they have an ofline business with a website,
      Or do they have a website they only sell their products,
      services online ?

      The first group don't see themselves as Internet marketers.

      We need to be clear about that in our approach.

      Next you are making the rookie mistake of going in gun's
      blazing about your features and benefits before you identify
      the reader's problem.

      You won't get a hearing until the reader knows you understand
      what he would love to fix.

      Then let him know others have been transformed.

      To do this use case studies, numbers, money, roi, time frame
      and names to put forward a water-tight case, just as a lawyer would do in court.

      Those 2 areas will make a massive difference to reader response.

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  • Profile picture of the author HostWind
    All in all it isn't too long, but for someone who isn't immediately taken in it is a bit of a lengthy read. I always ready these and it is hard to figure out how you will help me. Considering you said this is for a specific niche this may be implied though.
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  • Profile picture of the author DoubleOhDave
    I read through it in a rush and a s a non-copywriter who just caught sight of your headline asking for a critique and thought I'd glance at it, I have to say that it kept my interest (in other words - as I skimmed througfh it I am sure I caught sight of the bits you meant me to catch sight of - the bold and underlined and first sentence of each pararaph and the call to action and scarcity at the end... agreed it needs a lot of tidying up but I think you did good...
    (PS - am going offline but please PM me and tell me what it's about!! :-) )
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianDowns
    I've worked on the headline and lead

    You'll find them here

    Attention Internet Marketers V3

    I really appreciate your help and advice.
    (is there a way to edit the original post?)
    I was getting into the re-write.. The benefit was clear:

    A high converting sales letter. As soon as I read this I felt like I needed one too!

    And I was wanting to know why I wouldn't need a 10k copywriter to get one..

    That had my attention - go with that!
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  • Your target market is struggling with sales letters?

    If so...The words "sales letter" need to be in the headline. Or however your market identifies with the sales process.

    So the secret is emotions?

    Well use some of those emotions in your headline. Such as...

    jaw dropping or stimulate

    So...Most suck at writing copy because they are too logical and analytical?...how about boring??

    Ok lets use that too.

    How about something like this...

    The 3 step formula that supercharges your copy from boring textbook hype to jaw dropping and exciting!


    -Stop writing the same boring textbook sales letters and start selling!

    -Stop writing the same boring sales letters...and start giving your readers what they want!

    -If it seems like your readers are bored with your sales letters... its probably because they ARE!

    Here's why...

    Opening paragraph...(strong statement)

    The problem with most people that write sales copy is they are just too darn logical!

    We rely so heavily on textbook definitions that we forget the number one element that actually SELLS!

    In a minute I will tell you exactly what that element is but first...

    PS Ok see the new sales letter now. Major difference. Anyway I hope this helps.

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  • Profile picture of the author schttrj
    I didn't read past the headline. Well, considering the fact that you are trying to teach people how NOT to hire a copywriter, should I even help you?

    Just kidding!

    Work on the headline, very bland and "continental" at the moment. You need to add some Indian spices to the recipe.

    Moreover, when you are teaching someone how to cook without a cook, you need to be the cook who doesn't teach to another cook but to a layman. Did you cook it? Oops I mean, get it?

    Before you even write the whole copy, just know how to capture the attention with your headline, hook and lead.
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  • Profile picture of the author stemdrea
    Thanks "SalesTechnicion" I'll work on the headline and lead some more.

    Thanks "schttrj", I'll try to work that in

    Thanks Brian - I'm glad to hear I'm doing something right.

    I really appreciate every-ones advice...ml
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  • Profile picture of the author masterpaintingnow
    v3 is more the approach I would go with. And email pitch is to get them to click a link to your long sales copy, and surely it is pretty long, right? I mean, you are trying to get people to plop down $500.

    Here is my question, though. My sales copy has been getting a steady 3% conversion rate. Would you PAY ME if your letter does worse than mine? It would suck to lose money because your letter doesn't outpreform mine.
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  • Profile picture of the author tylerjaysen
    yeah..I personally don't like the little headline...that leads to the big headline....I'm blind to it really. So if you have that little headline....and you want it to pop....

    ...this is what you do...

    Make initial caps...big tahoma font...like 24...and red.

    Headline is 90% of your deal....and if you can't grab em in the headline.....forget about them reading further....
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