Accelerated List Building - Rip My Copy To Shreds

49 replies
Hi Warriors

It's taken all day, but it's finally done. 12 hours of blood, sweat and tears has gone into creating...

Accelerated List Building - Grow Your List At An Accelerating Rate

I'm really proud of it, but my opinion isn't important. Yours is!

So, I want your opinions on the following...

1. The design

2. The layout

3. The headline

4. The story

5. The bullets

6. The bonuses

7. The guarantee

8. Anything else you'd like to mention.

I haven't added any testimonials yet. I still need to collect them. And I'm still to add the 7 Day Action Plan guide that I'm busy creating at the moment.

If any Warriors would like to get a preview copy of the report then PM me and I'll send it to you. Please only PM me if you are willing to provide a truthful testimonial about the product.

Thanks,
James Penn
#accelerated #building #copy #list #rip #shreds
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    • Profile picture of the author Ken Strong
      James, looks good overall. I like the layout.

      One thing that jumped out at me was the PS's. It's good to emphasize that the price is at its lowest and will be going higher without notice, but I'd lose the parts about how you're price testing to see what's most profitable. Your customers couldn't care less about what's most profitable to you -- stick to what's in it for them.

      In the second PS the word "measly" and the question at the end make the whole paragraph sound a bit defensive in tone. Also, if someone is scanning the letter and the PS is one of the first things they read, they almost have to answer the question "no" because they haven't read the rest of the letter yet. Restructure that one and be more assertive.

      That caption under your picture near the bottom -- nothing really wrong with it, I guess, but it seems like a distraction. Might want to get rid of it.

      Possibly add a Privacy Policy and maybe a Terms and Conditions link in the bottom navigation, if you're not already working on that.

      Just a few thoughts -- I'll add more later when I get the chance.
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      • Profile picture of the author Raydal
        Originally Posted by KenStrong View Post

        James, looks good overall. I like the layout.

        One thing that jumped out at me was the PS's. It's good to emphasize that the price is at its lowest and will be going higher without notice, but I'd lose the parts about how you're price testing to see what's most profitable. Your customers couldn't care less about what's most profitable to you -- stick to what's in it for them.
        I disagree. Even though customers care about themselves this is a good
        "reason why" the price is so low. In fact in my first sales letter that
        did 15% conversion (see signature) I used this very type of P.S. and
        it worked! It's believable.

        -Ray Edwards
        Signature
        The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author kenboss
    WOW James!

    This is a beautifully crafted sales letter - and although I am fairly new to Warrior Forum, if you check out my other posts on The Copywriting Forum, you will see that I don't hold back on my extensive sales letter critiques when Warriors ask for them.

    But this one is a genuine pleasure to read from start to finish - you achieve total believability without ever giving me the feeling that I might be going for a ride. And best of all, I want that product, dude! My main concern is that you may be underpricing it!

    My comments are minimal, but I do have some- here goes:

    Almost everything I have to say is about the way your fonts are impacting.

    *I guess I'm a big fan of red for attention-getting headlines, because I tell this a lot to people, but this time think your headline is fine - it's the mustard sub-headline that concerns me - it just doesn't stand out- needs to be bolder. Aesthetically it's nice that it matches the word Accelerated in your banner, but frankly I think that's unimportant. Red is going to sell what you're saying better, I'm sure of it.
    Or no, wait a second - why not use that really nice colour you've got at the bottom of the page for Download Your Copy Right Now - that would definitely work!!

    *Also that subheadline is VERY long and wordy, but it will work better if you end it after Ease. Try an exclamation point there, and then hit return & start a whole new subheadline on its own for "And Today, I'm Going to Show You How I Do It." Go back to the dark blue for that, and maybe notch it up one font size, so it seems to really blast out of the previous sentence

    *The font you use for the main body of the letter needs changing -- is very cramped & too fine so it's tiring to read - when I said I enjoyed reading it, it was IN SPITE of this font. Suggest you experiment with something a little more expansive, or even just notch it up a size.

    *BONUSES: The two are more than enough, considering the price. I would take out 'usually sells for' under each product name, as you immediately repeat those same three words in the text below both times - maybe just substitute the word Value, putting it after the price, as in ($37 Value)
    It's a shame you don't have a graphic for Grab Your Lifestyle, only because it makes it all look a little unbalanced - maybe you just need some corny "lifestyle" picture in there, like some guy windsurfing?

    "I really should change my photo" is a nice touch. DON'T change it of course - you've got a very honest face!!! Even if you do look a lot like that other Penn fella...

    Hope this helps
    cheers
    Ken
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    Melford - thanks for your request for a preview copy. I've sent it over. Let me know what you think.

    Ken Strong - Thanks so much for your comments. I've edited the second P.S. but I'm not 100% sure if I made the amendments you were talking about. Regarding the caption under the image - I'll keep it there for now. I feel like it adds a bit of personality to the page (something I've tried hard to inject) and so will try it out there. I'll do a split test in the future with and without the caption.

    Ken boss - Thank you for your critique and extremely positive comments. When I was reading through my copy I was really proud of it. It took me a few hours to get going with writing it but then it all started to click into place and flow.

    I've made the amendments you suggested. Sub-head colour changed, changed the wording of the sub-head and main body font has changed from Tahoma to Arial.

    I agree, it is a shame I don't have a graphic for Grab Your Lifestyle. I may consider adding one of those cheesy lifestyle pictures but it might look a bit "hypey" - something I've tried to avoid.

    Regarding the low price of $10, I'm also questioning that. I know the package is worth considerably more but I'd really like to get some sales, get some testimonials, success stories, happy customers etc. and then I'll up the price for sure.

    Thanks to you both for your incredibly valuable comments.

    I can't wait to get this baby launched now!

    Keep the comments coming.

    James Penn
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Hi James,

    The layout of the letter is
    pretty good, but there are
    issues with your copy.

    Your first sentence after
    Dear Friend is okay, but
    the second sentence is way
    too long. You're going to lose
    readers there.

    When you write copy, keep
    sentences short.

    Also, in that general lead deck
    area you may want to consider
    breaking your copy up a little.

    Make it so that you have a couple
    of single line paragraphs to break
    it up for people's eyes. Also, some
    emphasis will help for this.

    Like this.

    And then another longer line like this.

    Make sense?

    You can also seriously improve the
    storytelling aspect if you make it
    snappy, and make them visualize
    things.

    Let the reader see themselves
    in your position, and you're a lot
    closer to getting the sale when
    you ask them for it.

    Lastly, I think you'd do well to break
    the bullets up. Bullets do best when
    they are short and easy for the prospect
    to read. Alternating the bold type
    like that is a good idea, but when
    the blocks of text are so thick
    you're going to lose the effect.

    There's plenty more I could give
    you, but I'm literally falling asleep
    at the laptop here.

    Good luck

    -David Raybould
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    PS- One final tip James...

    Let the copy rest for a week
    and then edit it.

    You'll be surprised at the difference...
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    #1 - Good headline, poor follow up subheads - heavy top of the page with too many quotes and exclamation marks = less credibility

    #2 - Your lead-in copy is all about YOU and not written from a WIIFM perspective

    #3 - Your subheads are also guilty of this

    #4 - Put your bullets in a Johnson box

    #5 - I would rephrase this since it sounds like a put down since $10 CAN be a lot of money to someone out there who *could* be your customer "All $10 of it!"

    Best of Luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author Matt James
      Hi James,

      It's not bad if a little wordy. You should break it up a little, make it less of an effort to read.

      You should also put some empathy in there. It's all about you and your "life of luxury" and your girlfriend Daisy who laughed at you, and your degree, and your... etc. etc. -- all very nice but with respect... I don't care about you!

      Still, you could get away it until we get to the point that completely destroys the sale for me...

      $10?

      You're giving me your entire system to live a "life of luxury" (yeah I have a problem with that line)... for $10?

      Suddenly all credibility is lost and I'm thinking "if he thinks it's only worth $10 then what good will it do me?"

      Don't be afraid to see value in your own products.
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    Thanks everyone for the tips.

    I've made a few tiny changes today. I got rid of the "life of luxury" bit. I didn't like that either to be honest, it sounded "hypey".

    I'm questioning the price right now. I think I'll launch to my subscribers and do a WSO at $10 and then up the price.

    I have a good back-end in place promoting a high converting product that gets me $100 commissions, so I know the more sales I get the more $100 commissions I'll get.

    I also want to be able to pay JV partners and affiliates 100%. I suppose I can still do this at $27 - but I won't get as many leads.

    I'm going to have to do a lot of testing.

    I'll keep you all updated and keep working on my copy.

    If anyone has any ideas for small things that I can split test then that would be much appreciated.

    Thanks,
    James
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    James-

    There used to be a free report or post
    about the 7 or 8 things you can easily
    split test to boost conversions in the war
    room.

    Not sure if it's still there, but I think
    maybe it was by Mike Humphries or Kevin
    Rogers...

    If you can find it you'll get everything
    you need from it.

    Good luck.

    -David Raybould
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I think this thread brings up a very important subject
    that may require its own thread.

    What happens when copywriting "rules" come in conflict
    with each other?


    For example, it's already stated above that James is talking
    too much about himself and not the customer BUT it's HIS
    story, so how could he talk about the customer?

    Stories sell. This is a story about James. So how could
    he not say "I"?

    Again, sentences should be short. BUT you can use long sentences
    to slow down the reader or talk about something sad, or to create
    rhythm.

    The point is that all the "rules" can be broken when appropriate.

    I read through James letter, and even though it is not without
    flaw, the use of his story is very effective. The subheads
    need improvement and the proof elements could be beefed
    up. But for the price he is asking, he really doesn't need a
    lot of copy.

    So my point here is you must know what 'rule' to apply
    to a sales letter depending on the strategy that is being
    used.

    In "reason why" copy I may write that my basement got
    flooded and some boxes got wet and I was having a
    discount sale. Does the prospect care about my basement flooding?
    No. But I'm giving a REASON WHY I'm having a discount/sale.

    And you should always give a reason for discount.

    So be careful what 'rule' you are applying where.

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author ArtW
    Ah awesome this has helped me too.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Today's Total Package illustrated one of my points very well.
    (I love Clayton Makepeace's style of writing BTW)

    Dear Business-Builder,


    On a recent gorgeous Saturday, I made the excuse to take my new Porsche 911 Turbo out to slay The Dragon.

    Never heard of The Dragon? Most people haven't.

    It's a humble, shoulderless, two-lane blacktop - officially designated US 129 - that snakes up through the North Carolina Smokies from Robbinsville ... around the West end of The Great Smoky Mountain National Park ... past picturesque lakes and cliffs with 100-mile views ... to a mountain pass they call Deal's Gap.

    All the way to The Gap, you're immersed in breathtaking scenery -- and as the road winds up the mountain, increasingly radical curves.
    Note how Clayton started out with short sentences/paragraphs.

    But why is the third sentence so long?

    The first non-copywriter (you cannot be selling copywriting services) who
    gives me the answer I am looking for will get a special gift from me.
    (Secret of the 15% salesletter--see signature.)

    -Ray Edwards
    Signature
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author livebig!
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      Today's Total Package illustrated one of my points very well.
      (I love Clayton Makepeace's style of writing BTW)

      Note how Clayton started out with short sentences/paragraphs.

      But why is the third sentence so long?

      The first non-copywriter (you cannot be selling copywriting services) who
      gives me the answer I am looking for will get a special gift from me.
      (Secret of the 15% salesletter--see signature.)

      -Ray Edwards
      I think it has to do with showing his attention to detail, sort of a subtle idea that if he is so detailed with explaining "The Gap", his attention to detail will also extend to his product?

      Maybe... that's just a guess.

      Michael
      Signature

      Life is grand...

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      • Profile picture of the author Raydal
        Originally Posted by livebig! View Post

        I think it has to do with showing his attention to detail, sort of a subtle idea that if he is so detailed with explaining "The Gap", his attention to detail will also extend to his product?

        Maybe... that's just a guess.

        Michael
        Michael,

        This is deep! Maybe you are thinking deeper than me, but that's
        not the answer I'm looking for.

        -Ray Edwards
        Signature
        The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author kenboss
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      Today's Total Package illustrated one of my points very well.
      (I love Clayton Makepeace's style of writing BTW)

      Note how Clayton started out with short sentences/paragraphs.

      But why is the third sentence so long?

      The first non-copywriter (you cannot be selling copywriting services) who
      gives me the answer I am looking for will get a special gift from me.
      (Secret of the 15% salesletter--see signature.)

      -Ray Edwards
      Hello Raydal,

      Here is my take:

      There is definitely something mesmerizing about it -- although it's a long sentence, it rolls along in rhythmic segments that somehow create a feeling of mounting expectation, of being taken on a really cool and promising journey. This has the effect of quickly and unexpectedly breaking down the left brain analytic and defensive mode which tends to kick in as a person begins to read a salesletter, and switches that reader into passive right brain mode, where you are happy just to enjoy the ride and let others take control.

      Am I close?

      cheers Ken
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      • Profile picture of the author Raydal
        Originally Posted by kenboss View Post

        Hello Raydal,

        Here is my take:

        There is definitely something mesmerizing about it -- although it's a long sentence, it rolls along in rhythmic segments that somehow create a feeling of mounting expectation, of being taken on a really cool and promising journey. This has the effect of quickly and unexpectedly breaking down the left brain analytic and defensive mode which tends to kick in as a person begins to read a salesletter, and switches that reader into passive right brain mode, where you are happy just to enjoy the ride and let others take control.

        Am I close?

        cheers Ken
        WOW! I'm getting some PhD answers and I'm looking for something
        really simple.

        HINT: The answer is in my question.

        -Ray Edwards
        Signature
        The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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        • Profile picture of the author manicman1
          Could it be....Just because it is the third sentance LOL
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          • Profile picture of the author MonsterZero
            Raydal,

            The first two sentences are short and punchy in order to grab the reader's attention.

            Now that you have their attention, you keep it by changing the cadence. Keeps 'em off balance. It also makes the copy more interesting from a visual perspective.

            Opening with something that long is a tough sell - at least for this particular format.
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  • Profile picture of the author Woody C
    James,

    Two quick things...then I will give a more thorough opinion when I get time to dissect the copy.

    1) I would leave out "Because" in the preheadline.

    2) I would take out "My name's James Penn..." because you can see the "From: James Penn.." (beside your picture) in the same frame.

    I'll try to read more thoroughly soon.
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    • Profile picture of the author manicman1
      Raydal

      it would be my guess that he wants to build a personal relationship with the reader..he does this by teaching/explaining what the dragon is..slows you down..makes you think he is a great guy for sharing the info..which by the way has nothing to do with what he is selling..but now you feel like he is your buddy and why wouldn't you buy/do something to help your buddy out and he has to be telling you and selling you something that is of value and you must need/have

      I could be way out in left field..but thats what I take from it

      James-

      Kudo's to you my friend..you are taking action and making life work for you and not just let it happen....

      James
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      • Profile picture of the author Raydal
        Originally Posted by manicman1 View Post

        Raydal

        it would be my guess that he wants to build a personal relationship with the reader..he does this by teaching/explaining what the dragon is..slows you down..makes you think he is a great guy for sharing the info..which by the way has nothing to do with what he is selling..but now you feel like he is your buddy and why wouldn't you buy/do something to help your buddy out and he has to be telling you and selling you something that is of value and you must need/have

        I could be way out in left field..but thats what I take from it

        James-

        Kudo's to you my friend..you are taking action and making life work for you and not just let it happen....

        James
        Great try but that's not what I'm looking for. You're welcomed to
        try again.

        -Ray Edwards
        Signature
        The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author tgrpublishing
    James - glad to see you liked my headline suggestion that much...

    I feel like it could use a little work though. It doesn't quite flow properly..

    "Uncover The Extraordinary Secrets Of A Covert List Building Superstar Who Recently Squeezed More Than $3,928.50 (And Counting) With Just ONE Single Email..."

    You say you recently "squeezed" some money, but not what you squeezed it from.

    "One Single Email".. "One" and "Single" are a bit redundant. You couldn't have "Two Single" emails.. or "One Multiple" email.

    "More Than... And Counting". Again, this is a little repetitive and needlessly so.

    How about this:

    "Uncover The Extraordinary Secrets Of A Covert List Building Superstar Who Recently Squeezed $3,928.50 (And Counting) From His Brand New Subscribers With A Single Email..."

    Only very minor rephrasing, but I think the end result is much smoother.

    The first subhead needs a bit of work too. "Relative Ease" is not a good thing. Plus you've got some repetition in there (Four Figure), and the focus is on you and your lists. How about:

    "These Incredible List Building Strategies Will Help You Build Huge Lists That Produce Consistent Four Figure Paydays With Ease!"

    Lastly, the third subhead. Again, this is ever so slightly focused towards you, when it could be ever so slightly focused towards the customer. My change is in bold:

    "And Today, I'm Going To Show You How To Do It..."

    This changes the focus from how you do it, to how they can do it. Which is what they want.
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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by tgrpublishing View Post

      James - glad to see you liked my headline suggestion that much...

      I feel like it could use a little work though. It doesn't quite flow properly..

      "Uncover The Extraordinary Secrets Of A Covert List Building Superstar Who Recently Squeezed More Than $3,928.50 (And Counting) With Just ONE Single Email..."

      You say you recently "squeezed" some money, but not what you squeezed it from.

      "One Single Email".. "One" and "Single" are a bit redundant. You couldn't have "Two Single" emails.. or "One Multiple" email.

      "More Than... And Counting". Again, this is a little repetitive and needlessly so.
      Again I have to disagree with this.

      You are thinking English grammar and not copywriting. What do you think
      about the statement:

      "Receive a full 100% refund of every penny you paid."

      Redundant for sure but EFFECTIVE.

      Sometimes 'redundancy' can be used for emphasis. So your new
      headline has actually watered down the message in my opinion.

      -Ray Edwards
      Signature
      The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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      • Profile picture of the author tgrpublishing
        Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

        Again I have to disagree with this.

        You are thinking English grammar and not copywriting. What do you think
        about the statement:

        "Receive a full 100% refund of every penny you paid."

        Redundant for sure but EFFECTIVE.

        Sometimes 'redundancy' can be used for emphasis. So your new
        headline has actually watered down the message in my opinion.

        -Ray Edwards
        Sure, but I'm thinking more about clarity. Sales is about clear communication, and while the original message might be clear, it could be *more* clear and more concise, while retaining the power and emphasis through different word choice.

        Repetition is OK, but confusing sentence structure should not be tolerated simply so we can get some repetition in there.

        I want my sales messages to be smooth, seamless, and high quality. Written to sound intelligent and credible, without sounding academic. Part of that image is proper grammar, used to it's maximum effect.
        But of course, every varies depending on the situation. I'll concede that "One Single" is probably OK in this one.

        (And in fact, to be nitpicky, "full 100%" is not entirely redundant. Sometimes a "full" refund is not actually 100% because the seller keeps fees or charges amounting to a few percent. But I know what you mean.)
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  • Profile picture of the author clever7
    I'm not a copywriter, but I'm trying to become one, and learning with all the good examples I find.

    Your sales letter is excellent! From the point of view of a business owner who needs an email list, I can tell you that you did convince me to care about your product!

    I already sent you the PM you asked for, and I would be glad to help you if you need my testimonial.

    All the best!
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  • Profile picture of the author kenboss
    Raydal - one more stab at it!! - the third sentence is so long because the road he is describing is also long - he is using a long sentence to express a long road.

    Is it as simple as that?

    cheers
    Ken

    ps sorry about this, James! Hope we're not getting a little too off topic on your thread here!!!
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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by kenboss View Post

      Raydal - one more stab at it!! - the third sentence is so long because the road he is describing is also long - he is using a long sentence to express a long road.

      Is it as simple as that?

      cheers
      Ken

      ps sorry about this, James! Hope we're not getting a little too off topic on your thread here!!!
      That's it!!! The sentence length represents the length of the ROAD!
      The same way we say, "Looooooooooonng" We want to illustrate
      the length by stretching the word.

      And BTW, everyone who participated in the quiz are winners!
      Just sent a PM to all with the download information.

      -Ray Edwards
      Signature
      The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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      • Profile picture of the author manicman1
        Raydal,

        You are an amazing guy...thank you sir

        James
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      • Profile picture of the author Steven Fullman
        Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

        That's it!!! The sentence length represents the length of the word!
        The same way we say, "Looooooooooonng" We want to illustrate
        the length by stretching the road.

        And BTW, everyone who participated in the quiz are winners!
        Just sent a to all with the download information.

        -Ray Edwards
        Ray,

        I didn't see your quiz until now, but you're clearly
        a giver, and you know your stuff.

        Well done to everyone who won the prize!

        Steve
        Signature

        Not promoting right now

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  • Profile picture of the author MonsterZero
    Raydal, you are the coolest of the cool.
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  • Profile picture of the author Adaptive
    Hi, James.

    The design looks too stark for my taste. Notice that the Warrior Forum has a 3d shading effect on each side of the content area, and a background color. Joe Vitale's site is another good example of a middle column with some other graphic elements, rather than leftover plain white. Joe Vitale - He's "Mr. Fire" for Copywriting, Promotion, and Marketing Consulting

    Instead of "Listen up!" I'd like to see an indication of who this is for.
    "Online Entrepreneurs, Listen up!" or whatever you'd like to indicate is your target market.

    "Covert list building" - is that some kind of James Bond thing where you get people's email addresses, but then you don't send them any email? Confusing.

    "Four figure lists" and "four figure paydays" also gave me a moment of saying "Huh?" The regular regularity seems like something from an ad for fiber supplements. How about, "I regularly build lists with thousands of people... and turn those lists into thousands of dollars of profits, any time I like" or something along those lines?

    Comma after Dear Friend is a more traditional punctuation for the salutation.

    The story is superb, gives a feel for your personality and situation. The specific numbers anchor the story with believability. Really well done. The personal touch is by far the most winning element of the letter, and I recommend you stick with it as a theme for your internet marketing ventures.

    The bullet points are an intimidating wall of words. How about adding a handwritten look highlighting around the key numbers and verbs in each segment?

    "No more lame excuses, no more procrastination" is really pretty rude if the reason readers haven't matched your success is that they don't have your techniques yet. I'd switch that to sympathy: "If your list building doesn't go this fast, it's not due to lame excuses or procrastination... you just haven't yet used my simple and inexpensive techniques to easily get thousands of subscribers faster than you believed possible!"

    "Still not satisfied?" assumes dissatisfaction and frustration on the part of the reader. I'd replace this with a positive lead in to how you're going to make this an even more powerful bundle of life-changing online marketing tactics that even a 19 year old college kid can use between study breaks...

    The complaint about the photo makes no sense.

    I'd be interested in reviewing the program itself, do I need to send you a PM for that?

    Regards,
    Allen
    Signature

    Success only requires four words. http://www.warriorforum.com/blogs/ad...our-words.html

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  • Profile picture of the author livebig!
    Thankyou so much, Raydal! You're awesome!
    Signature

    Life is grand...

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  • Profile picture of the author Phalanx
    James, I loved the story

    I'll leave the finer copywriting points to the experts, but for what it's worth, I liked the copy.
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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by Phalanx View Post

      James, I loved the story

      I'll leave the finer copywriting points to the experts, but for what it's worth, I liked the copy.
      AHA! And that's the point of the sales letter.

      You read the story as a buyer and not as a copywriter. Your comment
      has MORE value than from a copywriter because we are not in the
      target market.

      That's why I agree along with Ken that the story was smooth and
      authentic.

      I love Colleen Rae's three critique rules: (Taken from Movies In The Mind)

      1. I NEVER say anything about someone's story unless I myself could fix it.
      2. We all have our betes noires (fears) ... which trigger a negative response.
      3. To become good at the art of critique, we must come to understand the way we all confuse "like" with "good" and "dislike" with "bad".

      I love these 'rules'. I can see rule #3 broken many times in the advice
      given in this thread.

      -Ray Edwards
      Signature
      The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    Thanks to everyone for their fantastic advice in this thread. I'm no longer sending out review copies, but will be running a WSO on this product shortly.

    I'll make the necessary changes to the salesletter in the coming days after I have it set up with Rapid Action Profits.

    Thanks,
    James
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    Hi guys

    Thanks to everyone for their advice in this thread. Your advice has helped me achieve very close to a 5% conversion from my subscribers (who normally don't respond too well).

    I am still open to improvements, so any further sugesstions you have will be much appreciated.

    The link again:
    Accelerated List Building - Grow Your List At An Accelerating Rate

    James
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    James,

    I'm certainly no copywriter, but here's my thoughts:

    I thought your copy was pretty damn good. The main things I think you need to look at are perhaps the visual elements.

    I think up until the bullets, it's excellent. However, I feel the bullets are a little long. Some of them, are fantastic. Others are perhaps a little too wordy. I think it would be better to try and add in some short ones between the long ones so it's not quite so intimidating a read, but again, I'm no expert.

    It seems once you hit the bullets you cut out the italics/emphasizing/bolding/underlining. I think these tools really help the visual and subconscious grip of your readers (they don't want to read anything too "hard") and you should make better use of them, as well as using some colors.

    The first part of your letter has pop and sizzle from these elements. Don't forget about them just because you're doing bullets now!

    I also think a couple of graphical changes would be nice. Put the testimonials in Johnson boxes, perhaps, and maybe use a "subhead" for the testimonials (like the do in magazines with quotes).

    To be honest once you hit the bullets it felt like you rushed the presentation aspect - which a lot of people do - but I still think it's important and fixing it would improve conversions.

    But, again, I'm no expert.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author wrcato
    Hey james,
    I know that there have been a lot of opinions here... your copy is good. You will make sales. However, when the price goes up what makes your salepage any diffrent from Jimmy D. Brown, Frank Kern or even Lee McIntyre?

    I think you need to make your sales letter stand out a lot more and be diffrent, because who wouldn't buy from the top guru's over you?

    Right now it may be price.
    After the 16th then what will it be?
    Signature

    William Cato
    Sit Down, Have A Cup Of Coffee
    and read my blog http://www.2ultra.com
    follow me on Twitter
    www.twitter.com/wrcato

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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    Hi Klaxxon

    Yes, I wrote it myself.

    Sorry, but I'm not giving away review copies anymore. I have enough buyers to gather testimonials from now.

    James
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    The salespage probably took about 5 or 6 hours to get the first draft, and then I've spent an hour or two making the adjustments recommended by Warriors.

    The report took about 2 weeks, and I probably averaged half an hour writing per day - maybe an hour.

    James
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    Nope, no PPC.

    Actually, I tried doing some testing with PPC and list building but it didn't work out for me. Probably about 50 of my subscribers are as a result of PPC.

    James
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    I did the wrong approach.

    I had just one ad group, targeted general terms and didn't test. Recipe for failure.

    I know better now.

    James
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  • Profile picture of the author BigBenForCanton
    GET A DICTIONARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    You have 'emabrassed' spelled wrong. It's embarrass. You also have 'dissapointed' spelled wrong- there's only one 's' in that word. Disappointed.
    Signature

    Climbing up on Solsbury Hill, I could see the city light, Wind was blowing, time stood still, Eagle flew out of the night He was something to observe, Came in close, I heard a voice, Standing, stretching every nerve, I had to listen, Had no choice...

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  • Profile picture of the author JamesPenn
    Thanks for pointing that out.

    While I think you could of pointed that out in a slightly "friendlier" way your help is nonetheless appreciated.

    James
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Oh my god! He made a typo! Quick, get the stake ready!

    I really don't think it's THAT big a deal.

    -Dan
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author vistad
    "Uncover The Extraordinary Secrets Of A Covert List Building Superstar Who Recently Squeezed $3,928.50 (And Counting) With Just ONE Single Email..."

    You could remove some of these words Uncover, Extraordinairy, Recently, Single with no loss in meaning and the message going through faster.

    I liked the layout a lot.

    You could remove the word 'measly' near the end when you say $10. To a lot of people today $10 is not measly. And if it were such a measly sum why are you asking for it. Make payment voluntary!!
    There used to be a magazine called Technology Review which did just that. (Those who were cheapskates did not have to send $50.)
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