Please BASH My 1st Sales Letter

There are a number of things...

You've got a GREAT story.

The part of the story to capitalize on is the REVENGE.

I mean, your employer did you dirt.

Now, I'm not quite sure how to capitalize on it -- that would take more work...but man, when I read that -- I instantly related. Who hasn't had dirt done them by an employer. Backing out of a promise like that.

So, that is actually #5, and maybe part of #4. If you play up that story in the headline, you'll have a hook --

You might (first attempt here) even capitalize on John Caples' "They Laughed When I Sat Down To The Piano...But When I Started To Play"
headline.

"They Laughed When I Asked For My Promised Raise, But When I Looked At My Clickbank Account..."

(Okay, that doesn't have the connectedness to it that it needs...but it's in the territory.)

People LOVE good stories. And that sounds like a good one.

And I love how you say you still have your VW and live in a small flat --no pictures of fancy cars. That adds a touch of uniqueness, if not credibility, to your story.

#1 was your guarantee. Your guarantee is "mealy mouthed". It doesn't have any teeth. The stronger your guarantee, the better your sales. I'm not sure whether it's in any of his videos -- but my friend John Ritz has some great comments on guarantees.

While you are restricted as to the length of guarantee that you can give being a CB merchant, you can still write a sterling, stimulating guarantee...one that has pluck, one that exudes so much confidence in your product that, if you could, you'd give a lifetime guarantee if CB allowed.

Also, Brian McElroy (and others) have some great guarantees. I think Brian's current "Overnight Product Blueprint" has a 100xROI guarantee. IOW, he stands by his product, saying that if it's not worth 100 times the cost to you, he'll give you his money back.) In fact, I think he says it more firmly than that -- go check out his guarantee and you'll see what I mean.

Okay, #2 You asked about proof.
There are a few things I said in my previous post that were proof elements.
1/ I was willing to have my comments stand up to public scrutiny and criticism. That's CONFIDENCE. And people LOVE confidence.
2/ I alluded to testimonials (something which would be easy for someone to track down thru my .sig, among other things.) Testimonials are a form of proof. In fact, since you said you've had a coaching program --how about getting some testimonials from your coaching students.

And what kinds of results they got.

If they got great results too, it proves a few things -- that you wouldn't even necessarily have to spell out:
1/ your system works
2/ it's teachable
3/ you have the ability to teach it.

Okay #3:
This may or may not work for you.
I would use video.
Most people think they can tell when people are lying or not. (First, I do believe it's possible, but scientists show that people actually are fairly poor at doing so. Google "truth detectors", I think it is, on the Web for some fascinating information.
I would use video, with the video on me, telling my story.
And not only would I put it on my sales page, I'd put it up on YouTube.
You may need to go thru it a few times to really get the most juice out of your story.

So, to summarize:
#1: Put some teeth into your guarantee. Make it unconditional.
#2: Add proof: testimionials
#3: Add proof: video yourself telling your story. (and maybe you can also include logging into your CB account...)
#4: Use part of your story for your headline. The "REVENGE" stuff could be killer.
#5: Streamline and utilize your story.

Okay -- 3 of the suggestions are about making better use of your story
-- telling it on video for proof
-- use it in your headline for a hook
-- use it in your your lead to grab people into your story and keep reading.

Alright folks -- have at it.

What do you think?

And Alex,

What do you think?

I'm not sure what the argument about putting the offer in the headline is; if you've got a great proposition you'd be stupid not to...

"$10,000 In 60 Days Or Your Money Back - GUARANTEED!"

...Am I missing the point? Confidence is a good seller.

Alex, I agree that you've got a good story, and the ******* boss is always a good common enemy to "throw rocks at".

Also I think the fact that you make a "modest but comfortable" income as opposed to that of a Guru Millionaire's is a good credibility builder - however I think you could do with way more actual, real life proof. As you mentioned, a video logging into your account wouldn't be the worst thing to have on your page.

With soooo much competition though you need to be sure and separate yourself from the herd too - I can't see and obvious USP on your page.

Colm

Its only "hogwash" because you don't agree with what's stated. Which is why you won't elaborate. That's fine.

Seriously, how do you have any authority, when you can't even write a decent headline for your own WSO!! It provides NO benefit to me, its not time sensitive, its not unique or creative..

Do you think because you might use some NLP, presuppositions, and some "power words" that's all you need?

And there is no end-be-all in copy writing. You may learn from many writers to formulate your own unique style. The fact your coach has helped him doesn't reflect any big accomplishments you've had.

I'm not impressed.