What about this sales page?

...alright the poor copy which is desperately trying to get it's message across - and missing by a country mile - would be so thrilled if it had an adrenaline pumped powerful re-write to drive up the response.

In this hyper saturated market.

And it would be able to breathe happily without a respirator knowing people could easily read it - if it was spaced out so it's not looking like a congested pile up.

Highlighting in neon lights (that's more of a metaphor don't make the graphics too gaudy) - that this course is written (hopefully) by a woman. Or based on the research from the ladies.

Making it the biggest most desirable USP.


Steve

...never kick copy senseless when it's down. It might never recover.

It's always worth trying to resurrect it because the business owner is usually grateful.

Even if they aren't, other who may not be brave enough to post their copy fearing the worst, may find the comments useful.


Steve

Instead of critiquing your current letter, I think you need more practice in understanding the fundamentals of writing copy for the internet.

I would suggest looking at the top 30 best selling info-products on Clickbank and downloading their salesletters.

After you have them downloaded, print them out, and then hand write each of them word for word on a pad at the rate of two per day.

After 15 days of doing this, rewrite your current letter from scratch.

You will have a much better understanding of how proper online copy that works is actually written and formatted, and your rewritten letter will come out far much better.

This exercise really works and will vastly improve your current copywriting skills.

Need a much simpler larger font headline and more photos between the writings. Guys are very visual, so I would say maybe a photo of girls whispering.

The page is fine. I believe you should use a handwriting font like Hand of Sean in this phrase: "Here's what previous buyers have had to say!" and "Why order Know Her Secrets? Top 5 reasons"
Your banner should be appealing and use <H1> for the words as currently you have:

The letter doesn't even get started until about halfway through. When it does, it doesn't make me want to do anything...and I'm probably the perfect prospect for the product.

But the primary problem for me is that it's not believable at all. First, the girl in the picture is obviously an actress, and her dress and positioning is way to provocative, in a phony way. Plus, why a "seduction system?" What is a woman doing with that kind of system? How did she develop and test it?

I'd be more likely to believe a "Women's tell all" type message where multiple women are sharing what they're attracted to, what they're repulsed by etc. Better than one perspective from one woman, and one which most likely has never been tested in the field. Couple more things:

1) Some of the sentences appear to be written in streams of consciousness. Takes a few readings to even understand what you're trying to say. Most people won't bother, they'll just click away.

2) Nothing at all about who this woman is or why I should listen to her. You lost me there.

3) The sales page has no real flow, no direction, it talks too much about what the product is not, puts down your competitors too much and in places sounds very disjointed.

There's a lot more, more than I have time for right now. You've got a lot of work to do on the copywriting, you might want to consider hiring someone. Don't worry, I'm not self-promoting. The offer doesn't interest me.

But by the time you get this page ready to actually convert, you could easily invest the hours in working a regular job and have more than enough money from doing so to hire a decent copywriter.

Hi,

I just finished reading everything you replied and i want to thank you. I followed all the advices and came out with a new page. I am still affraid to ask for another oppinion, but feel free to check it out and throw stones at me.

Let me know what is your sincere opinion.

Thanks, Darius

I'm in the niche.... glanced through the sales page.... very quickly (because i couldn't bring myself to read or look at the page)... that offer/copy wont sell.

not by a mile.

the mens dating niche is VERY TOUGH.

its not a simple sale you are led to believe.

If you think this niche is easy, you've got another thing coming...

You're trying to sell something to guys that they dont think they need.

Keep that in mind.

ya its not as easy as lots of people think.

This is why its important to have DATA, so when you're speaking, its coming from experience 'in the trenches' and can back it up, vs simply stating an opinion. (nothing wrong with that, its just usually not accurate)

I'd read a TON of posts first before posting... lurk.... do a search in the forums for topics that interest you.... and learn.... take notes... learn what good copy looks like.... and what bad copy looks like.

I'd try recording yourself speaking.... imagine if a guy is sitting next to you... and you're trying to sell him your stuff.

what would you tell him?

how would you "open" the conversation?

What types of objections might he have?

How can you satisfy what he's looking for?

How would you "demonstrate value" and social proof?

What would you say to close the deal?

You'll probably end up with something better.

I don't like those types of videos. I like motion graphics or info graphics. Much more engaging. What if they made a sales page that looked like an info graphic. Wouldn't that be much better. You have to build the hype. I don't think writing does that. you should get a video done for sure. I had a video done for my site and it is awesome and I have gotten a lot of positive feedback.

The first thing I would do is design a better sales page. The Only 2 things that got my attention where the pictures of the women.

Other than that I would never read this letter.

We've had some real duds submitted here...but this piece-of-shit has to be one of the duddest.

Love the fake testimonials that follow this line of world-beating copy -

Have you sold any yet? JW

I see a few places at or near the fold that seem to me like typos. But then again, I am the world's worst when it comes to grammatical errors.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read and give me advices.I am following every tip i get, and i am going to correct all the errors.
Let me know what else is not ok in the sales letter, please.

Did you do everything yourself? If not, never use any of them again. I mean, come on! You're using "Be the MEN" on every single headline, cover, picture, everything. It's an immediate "well, I'm not buying that." If the book is of the same standard of English, it's going to be returned to you.

I don't write anything in Hungarian as I could not do the language justice (yet, let's hope), use the same criteria.

And another thing i forgot to mention, some elements of the sales copy are inspired from some of the best seller products of CB.

have you sold any mate?

Mark, i really believe you are a helpful guy. I know i am a trouble but i really need your help, so, even if you try to get me down, i am still up and running my sales letter will be up and running some day

Guys, you don't seem to understand one thing. I understood that Mark is giving me a hand, it's just that i got to the pc just now.

I appreciate your help and going to follow your advices. I will start the process in about one hour or so.

Thanks

I like this simple page. Also, your domain name is pretty.
Good !
Is it Wordpress Platform?

"Because Robert applied what he read in the book...I fell in love"

Fabulous video. Doesn't get much better than this. Now pass the sick bowl.

"You can be a men women pursue!"

I'll be kinder than the others in this forum. It is an interesting concept. But your copy does need work. It doesn't make me want to do anything. You misspelled words, and used the wrong syntax in places.

If you like, send me a private message and I will help you change the copy so it works for you.

OP check this link out. It might help you. And no I didnt write it, I just found it useful when I was asking for help,

5 Sales Page Mistakes That Make Readers Click Away