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Help with my Sales letter - low conversions!

by sammy_fox
12 replies
Hello,

I am not good in IM and I always preferred to concentrate on Adwords and link-building, rather than perfecting my sales pages.

After realizing that many people do get higher conversion rates than me i decided to try and make the page better. I get around 1% but many people claim a 1.5 to 2% is quite possible without a major reconstruction.

I would like some feedback from people who are experts on this.
Any general comment or detailed one (fonts, colour, length, etc.) would be appreciated. I am surprised to see that people put a direct link to their sales page here - I want to avoid it for SEO (and business) purposes.

Here is my sales page.


I appreciate your help in advance !

sammy
#conversions #letter #low #sales
  • Profile picture of the author ripsnorta2
    Hi Sammy,

    Though I'm not an expert on copyrighting sales pages I can see some glaring problems with your sale page.

    First off, the grammar is quite bad. If you do anything else, this needs to be corrected.

    I'd also look at the formatting. All that bolding of text that really doesn't need to be bolded, to me, interrupts the flow of thought.

    And, sorry if I'm being too frank here, it really doesn't look like you proofread the document. To me it looks like a first draft. There are even repeated paragraphs.

    I doubt that any customer reading this would even finish reading the page, let alone signing up or buying your product.

    You did say that you weren't really interested in perfecting your sales pages, and that's okay but you won't sell much if you don't. If you don't intend to write (and perfect) your own copy you should outsource that function.

    I'm happy to do this for you. Just send me a PM and we can discuss rates.
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    • Profile picture of the author sammy_fox
      Thank you!

      A few things:
      - I didn't mean that I don't believe in the power of a great sales page! Quite the contrary! All I said is that in the beginning I preferred putting emphasis on my strengths: SEO , rather than my weaknesses. Now it's time to concentrate on making the SP better !

      - Proofread it. I just missed a couple of things. (hmmm excuses!! lol - i should go and fix it)

      - Your comments make sense and I definetely would be contacting you. I just want a few more opinions from other memebers. I don't seem to be getting a lot of feedabck though ... lol
      I was hoping, originally, to get feedback both from seasoned SP specialists and general marketeers so I have a "global" poll-type of feeling of how a visitor perceives my page.

      Any other takers ?....

      SF
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      • Profile picture of the author lakshaybehl
        I mistake... there is too much above the fold...
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        • Profile picture of the author sammy_fox
          Thanks for your comment!

          I agree with both of you. I definitely need to do a proper spellcheck and maybe lower the text after the headline so that there is less above the fold.

          I was surprised to see only a couple of small comments like that. Does this mean that apart for small improvements everything else is ok?

          I was hoping to get some comments on the actual copy. Do you think it's too much (or too little) ? I don't know if it's convincing enough...

          TIA
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  • Profile picture of the author ronjrandall
    Hello

    Just a quick note, there is no opt-in subscriber form on the page. You may want
    to give something away for free to create a customer list for follow up, for list building. A free ebook, report or some tips to potential customers.
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    • Profile picture of the author HJMAX33
      Hello,

      I agree with all of the posters so far and I have a couple of ideas too.

      1. The headline is too long and confusing. I would break it up into a headline and a sub headline. I would test different headlines.

      2. In your beginning text I would format that into a "letter" or "note" format. Maybe a light yellow background.

      3. I would use a lighter background for your testimonials and add pictures if you can.

      I hope this helps.........best of luck!
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      • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
        I find it interesting that no one has mentioned the FIVE STEPS it takes to secure an order with your choice of ecommerce platform.

        Yikes.

        I read the page.

        I click the order button to buy (that's 1). I have my credit card ready.

        I land on a "did you REALLY mean to order?" page that looks like an afterthought.

        I "click here" (that's 2) then land on an "Add to Cart" page. WTF? I just want to pay for the damn thing already...

        I go ahead and "Add To Cart" (that's 3), even though I thought I had already gotten to that point when I clicked to order, then clicked "here"... (And why would I want to Email to a Friend before I complete my order?)

        Now, I've landed on a page that finally tells me I've done what I wanted three steps ago.

        I skip the "continue shopping" button that comes first, then click the "Checkout" button. (that's 4)

        I'm then greeted by a registration page that gives me the choice of registering or not registering (?)... I would then register (or not) and presumably complete the transaction (that's 5 or 6 or 7 judging by the UI so far).

        Can you not see anywhere that a potential buyer might bail out?

        Best,

        Brian
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        Brian McLeod
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        • Profile picture of the author Melkor
          What Brian said. When someone has their card in hand you want to make the hoops from buy impulse->finalized sale as few as possible. You can always try the Ryan Deiss thing and add upsells, cross-sells and sidesells on the thank-you page ("Risk-free upsell") but man, you don't want to make the period between buy impulse and finalised purchase any longer than you have to.
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  • Profile picture of the author cormad
    Hi there,
    While the information in the sales letter is compelling it is not hitting the heart of the issue right from the beginning and the overall letter is disjointed, hard to read and follow. It does not look or feel like a personal letter. I would think of a specific parent with the problem think about how they feel on a day to day basis and write the letter directly to them as if you were writing to that one person.


    You want to really empathize with the parent. If you have children and they have gone through any type of health crisis then you can relate to horror you feel when you know there is something seriously wrong with them and you are helpless to help them.

    I hope that helps.

    Cormad
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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      Considering that your competitor at The Guide To Solving Nervous Twitches In Adults And Children | Stop Your Tics, Twitches and Ticks has a broken
      system there is a good opportunity here.

      Your sales letter throws a lot of information at the reader. The grammar
      isn't that great either, but I want to focus on the heart of the matter...
      your system, according to your adwords ad, is a dietary one. This
      was not obvious from glancing at the salesletter.

      You do a good job perhaps of antagonizing the reader with the "price"
      of the problem... perhaps too much. He or she may already know
      the costs for the child.

      I would get to the heart of the matter: "Discover the Breakthrough
      Diet that Ended my Son's Horrible Facial Tics And Could Help Your
      Child Too!" - That's not the best headline for you but it doesn't
      play a coy game with the reader either... I find attempts to capture
      readership with curiosity not very effective. A salesletter written like
      a newspaper article could do something for you.

      It will be worth your while to study the diet "articles" in tabloid
      magazines. While you no doubt think your product is different the
      truth is you are selling a diet program to people with self-esteem
      issues... even though fatness isn't the issue the other issues are the
      same and the same sort of instant gratification triggers will work.

      -easy to stick to
      -tasty for kids (fussy-eater proof)
      -easy to learn and prepare meals

      I think your product is overpriced too and that pricing it like other
      children's diet books would be a good thing to test.

      Also it was very easy for me to discover that there is a likely
      correlation of a no-caffeine diet with disappearance of nervous
      tics in children. Of course knowing that kids shouldn't be
      consuming sugar and caffeine is a far cry from actually
      preventing that consumption.

      Good luck.
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      • Profile picture of the author Sarah Harvey
        I know one thing you can do that will increase how your sales letter is read....

        When I read it.... I was like omg...what is this all about. I started reading and then I saw a testimonial on the right. I abandoned the letter and read the testimonial. By the time I finished reading it, I realised I had to scroll up to start reading where I left off....I didn't. That is when it hit me-

        The testimonials on the right of your letter is too distracting. Concentrate on the actual sales letter and bring in the testimonials later. The message is lost on the reader once they have started reading the testimonials.
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  • Profile picture of the author TajwarAlexander
    Hey,

    There are a few things I can see that you may want to change by taking a quick glance at it.

    Get rid of the 1,. 2., 3., and replace them with bullet points.

    Also, have more headlines in between the copy to keep your readers attention. Make the font the same as your headline when doing these sub-heads.

    You may also want to test moving the picture around. As soon as I look at the page I am conflicted with looking at your detailed text or looking at the picture.

    You may want to do a small intro with the picture next to it and then move on with your sales copy.

    Hope that helps!
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