Please Critique My Copy

by Evan D
17 replies
Hey Warriors,

I'm getting ready to release my first WSO and would really appreciate a few copy pointers...

I've written for other niches in the past, but not IM.

Here's the link: Instant Info Expert

Thanks.

~E
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    Evan,

    I love your name (my son's my is Evan), but hate your copy.

    Actually, I don't hate your copy, I hate your hook.

    I hate the angle you're taking.

    First off, I don't believe you.

    The claims you're making seem bs.

    Be an expert in a couple of hours ???

    Really? I sure hope the OBGYN who delivered my son didn't get her M.D. from YouTube!

    A better hook might be something like: How to get paid like an Celebrity expert without having to go through all the effort to actually become an expert.

    The Lazy Man's way to getting Paid Like An Expert.

    Some hook like that.

    Also, you have no proof.

    Where are you being interviewed on CNN, newsweek, USA today.

    Also, WSO sales are fueled by affiliates. Make sure you've got some in stable to promote your stuff.

    I wrote a little guide on how to make a killing on WSOs.

    The links:

    www.adamlibman.com/2nd.War.Room.Gift.pdf
    www.adamlibman.com/Warrior.Forum.10K.xls

    Good luck,

    Adam



    Originally Posted by Evan D View Post

    Hey Warriors,

    I'm getting ready to release my first WSO and would really appreciate a few copy pointers...

    I've written for other niches in the past, but not IM.

    Here's the link: Instant Info Expert

    Thanks.

    ~E
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    The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post


      Really? I sure hope the OBGYN who delivered my son didn't get her M.D. from YouTube!
      Bad example. You don't need a MD to deliver a baby.

      -Ray Edwards
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      The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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      • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
        Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

        Bad example. You don't need a MD to deliver a baby.

        -Ray Edwards
        good point.

        you are correct.

        we were thinking of doing a natural birth at a birthing center with a midwife.

        However, the point is valid.

        the example could be better.
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        • Profile picture of the author Raydal
          Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

          good point.

          you are correct.
          You passed the test.

          I just posted that to see if you could take what you were
          dishing out. Not a common trait on this board.

          -Ray Edwards
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          The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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          • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
            Fairness and truth trump ego every time.

            At least it should.


            Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

            You passed the test.

            I just posted that to see if you could take what you were
            dishing out. Not a common trait on this board.

            -Ray Edwards
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            The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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          • Profile picture of the author jjbalagosa
            Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

            I just posted that to see if you could take what you were dishing out. Not a common trait on this board.
            Haha!

            This made me !

            I was just thinking the same thing earlier this week. (Not about copyassassin, though. Adam's one of the good ones.)
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    • Profile picture of the author Evan D
      Adam,

      Thanks for the pointers... some good feedback here.

      I guess I should be clear that "celebrity expert status" won't happen over night, but locally you will infiltrate your market and make a splash.

      Back to the drawing board with the over all hook. I'm also working on the proof elements you mentioned. Thanks again!

      Any other feedback is welcome!

      Evan

      PS. thanks for the WSO links... will check them out.
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  • Profile picture of the author jjbalagosa
    I like the overall flow of it. Easily readable and kept me engaged to the end.

    You also do a good job of anticipating objections and addressing them.

    Double check your headline for grammar. "Your" should be "You're."

    I'm in agreement with copyassassin about your lack of proof.

    Tip:
    A thing I like to see in copy is damaging admission, or in other words, an explanation of the product's limitations. It makes the product more believable.

    You can also turn those limitations into selling points.

    An example would be:

    "If you can't type, this system will NOT work for you. But if you're at least capable of typing a measly 20 to 30 words minutes per minute, you'll easily be able to work this system."

    Hope that makes sense.
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    • Profile picture of the author Evan D
      Thanks JJ,

      Yes.

      You're definitely spot on about the damaging admission and
      listing some product limitations.

      I also can't believe I made that spelling mistake... Your instead of you're is
      one of my biggest pet peeves, and I go and write it... Doh!
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  • Profile picture of the author Curtis2011
    Oh dear lord.

    I don't even want to read the sales page.

    Why not?

    Because the first word is a typo.

    It's supposed to say You're, not Your.
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  • Try using more bullets in the copy

    Lists oll your benefits in bullets.

    spelll out in the headline and through the copy why this different?

    why this is unique.

    you'll find it will be a lot easier to read.
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    "Peter Brennan is the real deal, In the first 12 hours we did $80k...and over $125k in the first week...if you want to be successful online, outsource your copywriting to Peter"
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    • Profile picture of the author dean mcevoy
      It isn't very specific...

      anyone who has any experience at all in IM will have products about
      1, getting leads
      2,creating products
      3, 80/20ing the whole thing.

      find finding something a little more specific, your USP if you will. other wise your going to seem like a run of the mill, cookie-cutter product which most IM'ers have by the bucket load.

      just my 2 cents
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Originally Posted by Evan D View Post

    Hey Warriors,

    I'm getting ready to release my first WSO and would really appreciate a few copy pointers...

    I've written for other niches in the past, but not IM.

    Here's the link: Instant Info Expert

    Thanks.

    ~E
    I didn't believe a single word of it. For example:

    "...get 100 or more highly targeted leads on your email list before you go to bed tonight?"

    "What if I told you by the end of this week you will create and have a high-priced ($400 to $1000) information product ready to sell on your website to your existing and future customers?"


    Can't imagine what you've got but unless its a magic wand I'll pass.

    However, on the bright side...

    It's a WSO so it's likely it will do well with crazy claims like that as it's exactly what WSO buyers are looking for. Good luck.
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    • I'm a total newbie wannabe copywriter/entrepreneur who doesn't know anything yet, so have no experience to advise you from a professional level, but I am the type of desperate person who would be the target of your product.

      My thoughts and feeling while reading, were that I didn't believe you at all. You seem less professional, and I think the font should be bigger. Smaller writing seems less confident to me.

      On the other hand, for $3 I would likely download it anyway, because it couldn't hurt. But that again also makes you much less believable and trustworthy. The real experts sell much harder and longer, and charge much more. But I would still download out of curiosity if it really was only three bucks.

      Of course, like I said, I'm not an expert, just someone who doesn't know what she's talking about. I think there is likely a lot of illusion that goes on, when it comes to believeability (spell checker says this isn't a word, I say totes it is) and trust, and parts of your copy I think were really good. As a desperate wannabe, I also wanna believe, and I wanna make lots of money now!

      I just hope there is at least some real benefit to what you're selling, even if your claims are exaggerated a bit.

      I will give you three Angry birds out of five.
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    • Profile picture of the author Evan D
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      I didn't believe a single word of it. For example:

      "...get 100 or more highly targeted leads on your email list before you go to bed tonight?"

      "What if I told you by the end of this week you will create and have a high-priced ($400 to $1000) information product ready to sell on your website to your existing and future customers?"


      Can't imagine what you've got but unless its a magic wand I'll pass.

      However, on the bright side...

      It's a WSO so it's likely it will do well with crazy claims like that as it's exactly what WSO buyers are looking for. Good luck.
      TravelinGuy,

      Thanks for the feedback.

      I understand the claims are extremely unbelievable (I address that in the
      opening paragraphs...

      I guess my question would be , in your experience, what would have you
      believe me more?

      The method works, and the claims are legit, so aside from proof and testimonials
      (which I'm getting) what would make you believe it more?
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      • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
        Originally Posted by Evan D View Post

        I guess my question would be , in your experience, what would have you
        believe me more?
        It's my experience that doesn't allow me to believe unbelievable claims. It's those burn marks on my hiney that remind me not to throw good money after bad. Another thing you need to know is that I'm not your market. I haven't been in the market for stuff like this for years. In fact, I was cured of buying stuff like this before the Internet was popular.

        By all means, if you have stuff you feel helps make your case then put it in there. The claims are the first red flag. What do you suppose is the second? And it's just as HUGE as the first. The price. You're making million dollar promises but you're only charging $3? Man, does that ever smell funny. And it's going to seem weird even to people that really WANT to believe you've got something.

        In fact, I'd be willing to BET that if you were to post this letter as it stands you'd have at least one person question the value you tout versus the low, low price. And I doubt there's anything you can do to justify this. Based on your letter and the claims you make this thing should be at least in the $20 range. You might be able to bump it down to $17 or so with the claim that you fell over backwards over the weekend and bumped your head. You could follow that with a "Hurry Up And Grab This Goldmine Before I Come Back To My Senses" appeal.

        I'm not here to say you're a liar or cheat. It's just that in my experience your claims are too outrageous to believe. Might I be wrong? Sure. But it's doubtful as my bullshit alarm is screaming way too loud. Good luck.
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        • Profile picture of the author jjbalagosa
          Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

          ...Based on your letter and the claims you make this thing should be at least in the $20 range. You might be able to bump it down to $17 or so with the claim that you fell over backwards over the weekend and bumped your head. You could follow that with a "Hurry Up And Grab This Goldmine Before I Come Back To My Senses" appeal..
          I want to touch on what travlinguy said here... Because it's not just gold, it's platinum encrusted with 60 karat diamonds!

          This element is very important and I can't believe I missed it in your copy. (I need to stop reading this forum while drunk... starting tomorrow.)

          Great sales letters contain at least some form of scarcity.

          You can justify a high price -- say $497 or $4997 -- in your copy, then turn it around and sell it for $27 or $17 bucks, because you received a dream message from an all mighty diety to do so.

          "So buy it now, before I decide to denounce my religion! I'm not sure how long I'm going to heed the Almighty Elephant Meatball God's wishes."

          Or something like that...

          A powerful motivator I see a lot of in today's WSO is the dimesale technique. The more people buy, the higher the price goes. It's motivated me to purchase, on a couple of occasions, EVEN though I flat out knew it was a sales technique use to trick me into hitting that "buy now" button.
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