Help a New Writer with a Food Fundraising Campaign!

Vivian,

Sorry, but this did not sound like a worthy cause to me. If someone donates money to this pay-as-you-like restaurant, they might well feel they are paying their good money so well-heeled but stingy people can eat for less. You didn't convince me in the slightest that donations would help bring good food to poor people.

In addition, the headline is so broad as to be almost meaningless. I had to read the entire paragraph until I had a sense of what the donations would be for.

You need more focus and a stronger argument in asking for donations.

And finally, if the system enables you to make paragraph breaks, you desperately need them.

Good luck with your rewrite.

Marcia Yudkin

Hi Vivian,

I definitely agree with the observations and suggestions of Marcia.

No offense, but I think you should rewrite the entire article. I read it 2x and it didn't "touch" me at all.

Instead of stating the obvious "Food provides sustenance and is crucial in ensuring not only one's physical health, but also one's mental and spiritual well-being," you can tell the readers what they don't know.

To convince people to donate for Elijah's Promise, they need to know what it really is. I checked their website About Us | Elijah's Promise and I think you can use the contents there to tell the donors that their money is worth to share.

I also visited the Facebook page of Better World Cafe - https://www.facebook.com/Better.World.Cafe/info and I read there that it is "a joint venture between two NJ non profits, Elijah's Promise and Who Is My Neighbor?" I suggest that you include this information on your article so that the public will know why you're asking donation on their behalf.

Hope that helps.

Other companies have had problems with this idea. Maybe how Panera handled it will help inspire you: Panera to Retool Latest Pay-What-You-Can Idea - ABC News

I agree with what is stated above. Definitely change the headline. I FEEL no emotion in the copy. Everyone is having hard times. You are asking for them to help even when they may not able to.

Yes to what everybody has said.

A testimonial from someone who used the cafe out of dire need would give the piece that emotional hit.


Steve

In my opinion, you need much more copy. Let's say I am a person that donates regularly to different causes to attack the things you mention like, "hunger, malnutrition, poverty, obesity, and unemployment."

In this example, I am a prime prospect. A whale. A monied philanthropist that can give you 10x what you are asking for. What would you say to me?

If I were that person, I would want to know a lot more. Tell me more about the organizations, how they work, what have they done so far, success stories. Give me photos, a video, maps. Can you interview one of the people they helped? What does the place look like? What kind of food do they serve? Who comes in there? What is the neighborhood like?

Don't make me scour the blog or the website. You have ONE shot to pitch me the complete sales story. Why? Because I am busy. Ten people asked me for money this morning and ten more will tomorrow. I WILL give some some of these people money, but I can't help everybody. I am more inclined to give where I feel it is doing some good. I'll make that determination quickly, by scanning the sales page and seeing if they are actually going to use my money like they say they will, and that it will make some kind of difference.

As it is, there is not enough information.

I would revised the whole pitch, ask for much more money, sell it a lot better, and try to drive traffic from sites that have high concentrations of wealthy donors known to support similar causes.

Cut away the "A multifaceted approach to tackling hunger, malnutrition, poverty, obesity, and unemployment" bit. It's vague, abstract and goes over everybody's heads.

Cut away "one of several community cafes". Focus.

"which allows its guests the option of paying what they can or volunteering in exchange for food."

What are your guests like? Describe one of your guests in detail, show us a picture of him/her if posible.

Cut away "Food provides sustenance and is crucial in ensuring not only one's physical health, but also one's mental and spiritual well-being." It's redundant fluff.

"By giving to Elijah's Promise, you enable the supply of nutritionally balanced meals and freshly made food to everyone who passes through our doors."

"You make it possible for others to involve themselves more with the food that goes in their bodies and you help people cultivate the skills they need to be effective food service employees."

^This is your lead, and you're burying it! You want me to donate to help feed and provide job training to people. That should be the main focus. Tell us more about the people we're helping.

A good trick is to focus on specific individuals if possible. As human beings we feel more compelled to help other human beings than vague or abstract "causes".

Good luck!