Just started learning Copywriting. Please critique my first work

by fellipe

Posted: 13 years ago 12 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi there.

I've started to learn Internet Marketing and Copywriting.

Juist finished the first draft for this homepage:

albumdraft.com

What do you like about it?

What would you change?

Thanks

#copywriting #critique #learning #started #work

tasmedia 13 years ago

Great concept, the video is awesome, think the text on the page needs some work.
Make the video auto play.
Have a call to action at the end of the video, something like "To get started right away, enter your email in the box below" with a big arrow pointing to the email field.
Not sure if this is a new concept or there is lots of competition in this market.
If your the first service of this kind then you are onto a winner.
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Mark Pescetti 13 years ago

I've worked with a few wedding photographers and I don't see them using this at all.

What kind of demand do you foresee?

Mark
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- James Clouser 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti
  
  I've worked with a few wedding photographers and I don't see them using this at all.
  
  What kind of demand do you foresee?
  
  Mark
  
  I agree. I was in the wedding biz during my first career in classical music.
  
  Have you pre-sold this? If so, what are you sales numbers like?
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
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fellipe 13 years ago

Hi guys and thanks for the observation. Here are the reasons I believe this will be profitable:

1) It started as a 'scratch your own itch' solution. (I'm a wedding photographer)

2) There are two very active competitors (I estimate a combined user base of +4000)

3) Our solution is much more elegant, has better aesthetics, easier to use. This is not my personal opinion. It's from our current although small user base.

4) We already have a few photographers using the app. Providing us feedback to further improve the app.

I must say I agree with both of you though. Not all wedding photographers need a system like that (I would be a billionaire lol)... But there's a small niche and demand that can earn me a small and steady passive income

Anyway, it's all a guess right now, but I need to do my best to make it work

So my question for you is:

What could be improved?

Thanks
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- djtrillian 13 years ago
  
  I have no idea about the need for such a thing as I know very little about the wedding photography biz but it makes logical sense to me.
  
  My thoughts on ways to punch it up would be, first of all as someone else said, the video is great so I'd simplify the headline and have the video right below it and have it autoplay after a few seconds, you don't want it to start upon loading the page but just a few seconds of leader. It summarises the service pretty well and would be a good intro. I'm not wild about the music personally :-) I would at least pull the music down after the start either down much lower but still audible or see how it sounds bringing it right out after the start, then only bring it back up at the end.
  
  I'd have a simple bold headline and then a tagline under it, so something like; (and I'm just throwing out stuff off the top of my head)
  
  Albumdraft just made your life 5X easier! - or something like that (in very big bold type)
  Then under it you can have something like "Wedding album drafts reviewed and approved faster and easier than ever before, and your clients will love it! "
  
  Basically you start with as simple and bold a statement as you can and then drill deeper as you go along.
  
  Use phrases like "albumdraft does all the donkey work for you so you can be done, paid and on to the next project in half the time". You have kinda done that, I'd just say use the bullet points more prominantly and keep the detail stuff into digestible chunks.
  
  This line is good ""Albumdraft creates a very realistic album presentation that you can send to your clients with one click." I'd move things like that a bit higher up.
  
  It's pretty good already really it could just be a little more imediate and both summarise and sensationalise a little more and still not seem too hypey or anything.
  
  Thanks
  
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RickDuris 13 years ago

Let's say it flops.

Then give it away. Photgraphers, especially new ones, will jump on this because it sounds like a solution to a problem they specifically have.

So now you've got a growing list of wedding photographers. What else can you sell them?

Training? Business building courses? Products? Ancillary services you can offer or recommend?

In other words, this app becomes a lead generating vehicle.

You still could earn a nice living with it.

- Rick Duris
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max5ty 13 years ago

I like the concept...although I'll admit, I know nothing about the profession.

I thought your page was way too long and repetitious in many areas.

I'd never only offer two plans. I'd suggest at least three. One cheap, one medium, and one full blown. Most will opt for the second...especially if you put a tag over it that says: "Best Value".

Keep it short, simple and straight to the point.
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FedericoMagni 13 years ago

I like the design but I'd change a few things in the layout.

1 move the logo from the right to the top-left. Logo font is not readable in an easy way.
2 "wedding album" should be on the same line.

I hope it helps
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svedski 13 years ago

Add a call to action at the bottom of the page as well, instead of just having at the top. Otherwise the viewer has to scroll up to find the opt-in box.

You might also want to try to explain exactly what's going to happen after they have opted in. Like "After you entered your email, your login details will be sent immediately to your inbox and you will be able to use the software right away".
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adwike 13 years ago

I think that's great work from you continue
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DanSharp 13 years ago

Rework that headline. "Get the wedding album design..." is flat and boring. My eyes slid over and I kept scrolling, not entirely sure what this was all about.

Where's the benefit? Right now the headline is just a feature, not a benefit.

Ditto for your second headline. Gimme a benefit. And even if you insist on sticking to techie facts, simplify. "Albumdraft is an online album proofing system for wedding photographers" says exactly the same thing in fewer words.

That's eyeball-time you could be using to sell!

Watch out for asking the client questions about their business process ("need feedback from your client, right?"). When you ask a question, there should only ever be two possible answers: "Yes," and "I'm not sure, but I'd like to know more." Otherwise, you just lost potential clients, and I don't think you were intending to select out an audience here.

You also ask this question twice, again under "What is album proofing?"

There are also some great comments in this thread...
- Thanks
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Josh Rueff 13 years ago

Originally Posted by fellipe

What do you like about it?

What would you change?

Thanks

Hi Fellipe, for one - I like the way you get your reader to say yes early in the copy "But before you send the album to be printed, you need to present and get feedback from your client, right?"

This is one of the most effective sales techniques that you've capitalized on very well. I would change up the way you accomplish this however - ending too many questions with "right?" gets repetitive. But you're certainly on the right track!

Redundancy can hurt you, again the repetition of "not-so-good" is another example. Sometimes repetition is good, but in these case it impedes the flow of your copy. Using different words to get the same point across will keep your copy fresh and interesting.

As cliche as money back guarantees may seem, they're highly effective - I'd suggest throwing that into your copy at the end after you say "We're 100% sure you'll love it."

Lastly, for the button copy - instead of "Create your account now!" I'd place more emphasize on the fact that they're getting something - it's more appealing. So "Get Albumdraft access now!" for instance.

p.s. If you can offer a free trial your conversion rate will skyrocket.

Heck of a start by the way - I'd test run this page (after a few minor tweaks), side by side with another implementing all of the advice you get here. Could be interesting
- Thanks
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