Salesletter critique needed :)

13 years ago

Headline: $100...and I have to wait 8 weeks? I understand it's easy, but that's a LONG time for most people, and hardly a great reward...in first world countries, anyway.

Email lists and solo ads aren't exactly new to internet marketers. Who's your target audience for this? I'm not getting a clear picture.

I think you could cut everything up to "I went from making $500 a day to having a hard time pull in $50 bucks…"

Your guarantee is pretty good. Valerie's picture jumped out at me.

I think you could chop this down quite a bit on length and it would have a similar effect without people dropping off early on. Target to marketers who have made money in the past, but have experienced a downturn similar to yours and are looking for a way out.

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hjalte81

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan

Headline: $100...and I have to wait 8 weeks? I understand it's easy, but that's a LONG time for most people, and hardly a great reward...in first world countries, anyway.

Do you suggest I phrase it otherwise? Or maybe leave the 8 weeks thing out?

Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan

Email lists and solo ads aren't exactly new to internet marketers. Who's your target audience for this? I'm not getting a clear picture.

My target audience is people, in the US (mostly males), age around 25-35, who have some experience online. Maybe they have made a sale or two online. Tried affiliate marketing, tried building a list etc. but without luck... They are looking for something that can make them money. A system with clear instructions on how to build a business that makes them enough to quit their job, but still being able to support their family.

Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan

I think you could cut everything up to "I went from making $500 a day to having a hard time pull in $50 bucks..."

Are you talking about the headline here?

Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan

Your guarantee is pretty good. Valerie's picture jumped out at me.

I think you could chop this down quite a bit on length and it would have a similar effect without people dropping off early on. Target to marketers who have made money in the past, but have experienced a downturn similar to yours and are looking for a way out.

Thanks. Appreciate your help

- Hjalte

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Jonathan 2.0 Banned 13 years ago

What about taking a different approach. Here's a headline suggestion:

“You Will Never Make A Single Penny Online If You Do Any Of The Following…” (This May P**s Off Some Of The Internet Marketing Gurus But It’s Something You Simply Have To Know …)

Then list the most common problems people/your market have. (Including going from product to product without taking action, being “seduced” by all the hype, etc.)

Then introduce your product and how, if they follow your advice, they can finally start earning money online.
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"Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman
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Jason Kanigan

13 years ago

Originally Posted by hjalte81

Are you talking about the headline here?

I mean you could chop EVERYTHING in the letter off up to that point and it would still make sense and read essentially the same.

Don't worry, when I write copy the same thing happens. It takes awhile to "get the motor running" and the real copy starts about 1/3 of the way in. I have learned to write, leave it for a few days, then get the chopping block and the cleaver ready.

$100 in 8 weeks...in the US...not worth it. Too long for way too small a reward. $100 is a night out, or part of a night out. Or it's food and household supplies for a week, or two weeks for the frugal.

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Tim R

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan

$100 in 8 weeks...in the US...not worth it. Too long for way too small a reward. $100 is a night out, or part of a night out. Or it's food and household supplies for a week, or two weeks for the frugal.

The headline actually states $100 daily, not $100 total. To many people who are interested in making money online and have been struggling with IM, $100/day will actually be very tempting. For a start, it sounds believable, as opposed to most of the other get rich quick overnight sales letters that are so common.

Tim.

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hjalte81

13 years ago

I have gotten so many golden nuggets from this thread already... It's simply awesome

Originally Posted by Quality Copywriter

quick thoughts...

in the lead...why do i need to read this now? no urgency

look at your subheads...are they interesting? why would I read them?

no reason given for your dramatic price drop.

look at all the time you use the word "I"

change all of them to "you"

make this more about the customer and not about you.

make them understand that you feel for their situation.

Tell them how what you have is different.

So, you too suggest I change the headline and the prehead, right?

The subheads: You are sooo right. I need to rewrite them.

I just did a quick search for "I". There's way too many, especially in the first 3rd of the letter. Just like Jason proposed, I'll trim that down...

The only thing is, that I'm afraid it'll become too "hypey" :/

Originally Posted by Jonathan 2.0

What about taking a different approach. Here's a headline suggestion:

"You Will Never Make A Single Penny Online If You Do Any Of The Following..." (This May P**s Off Some Of The Internet Marketing Gurus But It's Something You Simply Have To Know ...)

Then list the most common problems people/your market have. (Including going from product to product without taking action, being "seduced" by all the hype, etc.)

Then introduce your product and how, if they follow your advice, they can finally start earning money online.

Jonathan, I think I understand what you mean... Not sure I'm skilled enough to do that. You want me to leave out the "about me" right...?

Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan

I mean you could chop EVERYTHING in the letter off up to that point and it would still make sense and read essentially the same.

Don't worry, when I write copy the same thing happens. It takes awhile to "get the motor running" and the real copy starts about 1/3 of the way in. I have learned to write, leave it for a few days, then get the chopping block and the cleaver ready.

$100 in 8 weeks...in the US...not worth it. Too long for way too small a reward. $100 is a night out, or part of a night out. Or it's food and household supplies for a week, or two weeks for the frugal.

Originally Posted by Tim R

The headline actually states $100 daily, not $100 total. To many people who are interested in making money online and have been struggling with IM, $100/day will actually be very tempting. For a start, it sounds believable, as opposed to most of the other get rich quick overnight sales letters that are so common.

Tim.

Yeah... I'd also mean that $100 daily is pretty good within 8 weeks... Most online marketers have a difficult time making $1 daily... But then again... I could also focus on long term goals, like 500 daily in 3-4 months and so on, but again, I'm afraid it'll become too hyped...

Thanks
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Jonathan 2.0

Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by hjalte81

Jonathan, I think I understand what you mean... Not sure I'm skilled enough to do that. You want me to leave out the "about me" right...?

No, I think a lot of it is relevant if you're considering using my headline. Especially:

So, I went back to searching for the magic-button… You know… The one that’ll make money fly out of your computer screen
I bought more than 30 WSO’s and make money online courses…
But nothing seemed to work…

...

Mistake #1.
“Searching For The 'Magic Button' That Will Make You
Rich Overnight By Doing Nothing.”
Here's The Reality ...

Now, I’m not sure if you have ever tried building a list, but know that I have never made more than a couple of bucks from it… even though I followed all the “rules”, bought all the courses and did everything as I was supposed to according to the gurus…

...

No matter how hard I tried I ended up spending way more on traffic that I made in sales… and even my 8-year old daughter would agree, that if you spend more than you make, you’ll go broke… It took me three months to realize this…

Basically, it's a good story and would fit with my headline suggestion. : ) Needs some “tweaking” perhaps but the main gist of it is there.

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"Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity."―Joseph Sugarman

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max5ty

13 years ago

Thought the warning thing was a bit out of place...

was waiting for you to break bad on me, or try a triple round house kick or something.

After the warning I kept waiting for it...waiting for it...waiting for it...

Hmmm.

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hjalte81

13 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

Thought the warning thing was a bit out of place...

was waiting for you to break bad on me, or try a triple round house kick or something.

After the warning I kept waiting for it...waiting for it...waiting for it...

Hmmm.

Thanks. You are right :rolleyes:

Thanks

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JohnRussell

13 years ago

Where is your traffic coming from? Are you assuming (in your headline) that the readers know what a solo ad is?

I found the phrase 'solo ads business' confusing. At first glance (at least to me) it looks like some kind of 'solo business' (as in a business done by yourself). It will be confusing for those who don't know what solo ads are.

Also, if I read correctly you are selling a course on how to make money selling solo ads to your email list but you also say in the letter:

Well, it turned out that you can do this without:
-Buying solo ads
-...
I couldn’t build a list with these methods even if I tried…

So you are advocating making money selling Solo ads but leaving doubt that the people who purchased those same solo ads would get their monies worth?

Why don't you try stepping the headline back to some of the main benefits the reader will get if they purchase your course:

"56 Days From Now You Could Be The Proud Owner Of A $100 Day Per Day Income Stream That Is Predictable, Reliable And 100% Controlled By You (And Not By The Whims Of Google, Facebook Or Anybody Else For That Matter)."

Just a thought....

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hjalte81

13 years ago

Originally Posted by JohnRussell

Where is your traffic coming from? Are you assuming (in your headline) that the readers know what a solo ad is?

I found the phrase 'solo ads business' confusing. At first glance (at least to me) it looks like some kind of 'solo business' (as in a business done by yourself). It will be confusing for those who don't know what solo ads are.

Also, if I read correctly you are selling a course on how to make money selling solo ads to your email list but you also say in the letter:

So you are advocating making money selling Solo ads but leaving doubt that the people who purchased those same solo ads would get their monies worth?

Why don't you try stepping the headline back to some of the main benefits the reader will get if they purchase your course:

"56 Days From Now You Could Be The Proud Owner Of A $100 Day Per Day Income Stream That Is Predictable, Reliable And 100% Controlled By You (And Not By The Whims Of Google, Facebook Or Anybody Else For That Matter)."

Just a thought....

Thanks man...

You are spot on on the solo business thing. I made the mistake of assuming people know what I know... Thanks for pointing that out.

I can see why the "I couldn't make money with these.." part is confusing... It's meant to illustrate that I'd tried those methods, wasn't "smart" enough to get them to work, but then I found about selling solo ads - and that's so easy that anyone (even me) can do it

I like the headline you wrote. Much better than mine

Thanks
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JohnRussell

13 years ago

Originally Posted by hjalte81

I can see why the "I couldn't make money with these.." part is confusing... It's meant to illustrate that I'd tried those methods, wasn't "smart" enough to get them to work, but then I found about selling solo ads - and that's so easy that anyone (even me) can do it

Just take the solo ads part out of the list of things you couldn't do - to clear up any doubt.

Thanks for the kind words - don't curse me if the headline doesn't work for you :p

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Quality Copywriter

13 years ago

quick thoughts...

in the lead...why do i need to read this now? no urgency

look at your subheads...are they interesting? why would I read them?

no reason given for your dramatic price drop.

look at all the time you use the word "I"

change all of them to "you"

make this more about the customer and not about you.

make them understand that you feel for their situation.

Tell them how what you have is different.

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"Peter Brennan is the real deal, In the first 12 hours we did $80k...and over $125k in the first week...if you want to be successful online, outsource your copywriting to Peter"
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For 12 ways to sell more stuff to more people today...go to...www.peterbrennan.net

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sethczerepak

13 years ago

Writing a good headline starts with your traffic source. Assuming you're marketing to people who don't know who you are, your hook is really weak. You need a story that challenges their assumptions about making money. Try this....

"This Newbie Marketer's Story Proves that You CAN Make $100 a Day, Starting This Weekend, Even if You Have NO LIST, NO Experience and a Tiny Marketing Budget."

Then, restructure the letter to feature that James Kirk guy's story and introduce yourself later.

Thanks
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hjalte81

13 years ago

Originally Posted by sethczerepak

Writing a good headline starts with your traffic source. Assuming you're marketing to people who don't know who you are, your hook is really weak. You need a story that challenges their assumptions about making money. Try this....

"This Newbie Marketer's Story Proves that You CAN Make $100 a Day, Starting This Weekend, Even if You Have NO LIST, NO Experience and a Tiny Marketing Budget."

Then, restructure the letter to feature that James Kirk guy's story and introduce yourself later.

Thanks Seth.

How do you mean I should feature that story? I don't understand...

Thanks,
Hjalte

Thanks

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hjalte81

13 years ago

Quick question regarding this letter... What would cost to have one of you guys clean this letter up and make it ready?

I'm having a real hard time getting this done. I'm in some kind of information-overload state right now

Thanks

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