Yet another copy critique request...

17 years ago

I think the title is...

Full of hype
Way too long
Lower in importance visually than "But this is better"

You're going to need to rethink what the headline is supposed to do.

Remember, the purpose of your headline is to grab attention and get the reader to read the next line. Your headline doesn't feel like it does that at all.

It's hard to read on the page, and it's way too long.

Also, see about getting a designer to do something with the page. It's far too plain and reminds me of a late 90's website.

I hope to see some awesome improvements from you on this.

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Alex Cohen

17 years ago

Your sales letter makes a BIG claim ($20,000 a month) but offers no proof whatsoever.

Alex

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Lokesh Sharma Banned 17 years ago

Originally Posted by alexcoh

Your sales letter makes a BIG claim ($20,000 a month) but offers no proof whatsoever.

Alex

Yeah, a video proof's gonna accompany the new numbers.

Thanks.
- Thanks
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Lokesh Sharma

Banned 17 years ago

Oh man... And I thought I'd done some nice work lol.

@scheda
Thanks for the comment man. Yeah, the hype's there. The very headline is a hype itself. Actually, 20k a month isn't what I actually make and the comments here make me realize that being honest is a part of business.

Its something like 3-5K a month but then, would it appeal?

Anyways, I'm gonna add a payment proof + change the inflated numbers themselves.
But I still think the hype lies only in the title, or does it need a 100% rewrite?

Thanks for the help scheda, much appreciated!

@ Matt Jutras
Well said man... Yeah, the numbers are inflated and I'm gonna correct them soon.

Thanks everyone.
Lokesh Sharma

Thanks

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CopperCopy

17 years ago

Lokesh,

A few things to consider:

When a potential prospect comes to your page, the first thing they see is the top of the page. You have to hook them before they have the chance to scroll. Take an an honest look at what you have and ask yourself if you would even read the page.

You have (what I count) as 4 main headlines... with the one most prominent being: "But this is BETTER" and that's the first thing I see in bold and red.

This will not hook me, as it just confuses me. Take one specific aspect and try to come up with one headline at the top and get rid of the extra highlighting and fluff. The top headline is easily overlooked... and this is what I call a "skim" page, because I found myself trying to find a focus point to start from, but alas to no avail.

Keep going! You have strong start, (and what looks to be a valuable product) and now you just have to keep revising to make it perfect.

To your success.

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vistad

17 years ago

Lokesh most of the comments of the others hold. Another problem is that there is too much of "noise". There are small distracting sentences. At $3 K per month you can afford to pay out some of it to have a proper sales letter written for you. That may bring in a good return which will outweigh the amount spent on the letter.

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Bill Jeffels

17 years ago

Originally Posted by Lokesh Sharma

Hey pro copywriters,

I know you guys must be having a hard time addressing all those critique requests, but being a newbie here - I'd love to get your thoughts on my latest venture.

The FaceBook Code... NEVER SPAM FACEBOOK AGAIN!!!

How do you think the title is? Please suggest me potential changes and show me my grammar mistakes etc...

Thanks for all the help. Means a lot to me!

Regards,
Lokesh Sharma

Hi Lokesh

The first thing that gets my attention on your website is "But This Is Better". That is not a benfefit. You need to follow a basic copy formula, try... A.I.D.A, attention, interest, desire, action.

You need a good call to action at the end. And remember your P.S. should be like your second headline... "and dont forget when you use my facebook code system you will be working less and making more money up to $5267.26, just like I did". Something like that. And be honest about how much money your making a month, if it's 3-5K, thats good, it's believable. Use that.

Anyway, I know what it's like to be just starting out, I was there a few years ago, so I put this together for you to help you out.

Discover the secrets too!...

"How I Made $5267.26
Last Month From Social
Marketing And How
You Can Too"

Discover my closely guarded
secrets of how I easily make
money with Facebook

Deat friend

I know what your thinking, another making money website right?. Wrong, and I'm going to prove it to you.

First, your not going to see a picture of me sitting in a Ferrari with girls in bikinis and a big mansion in the background. Because that's not what this is about.

This is how I discovered a way to make $5267.26 last month with facebook and only working at it a few hours a week. Would you like to know how I did this?. Yes, great. But first let me introduce my self.

My name is Lokesh Sharma and up until 3 months ago I was living pay check to pay check. I was behind on my bills and my credit cards were maxed out. I knew there had to be a better way. I've always have been interested in facebook and have seen people making money with it. Well, I studied hard, real hard. And something amazing happened I discovered how to make real money with facebook...

"I Finally Cracked The Facebook Code
To Making Easy Money"

Etc...Etc...Etc...

There, you see where I'm going with this Lokesh. And you need some real proof, screen shots. Anyway, hope that gets you going.

Take care

Bill Jeffels

Thanks

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" You Are One Sales Letter Away From Being Rich " --Gary Halbert

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Daniel Scott

17 years ago

First of all, don't lie in your sales page. It's not only illegal, it's immoral, unethical and will destroy trust in you and your product.

Okay, now I'm getting off my soapbox... here are some pointers... Brace yourself...

Your headlines are way too long and don't really say anything...

You don't build any rapport or emotional appeal with the prospect...

You are missing major things in your copy (credibility, testimonials, proof, guarantee... etc)

Basically I'm not sure you could even call this a sales page at this point...

As others have mentioned, I'd hire a copywriter to do this for you. Copywriting is a skill that takes a lot of time and effort to learn... and if the claims you make on your sales page are true this thing could do quite well.

Kind regards,

-Dan

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Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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activetrader

17 years ago

Why do you highlight generic words such as "But This is Better" and "red"? Coming to your page in the first 5 seconds I know NOTHING about your offer. The rest of your headline is so garbled and illegible that I would leave because I have no idea what your page is all about.

Something more humble such as

"FaceBook Cash Cow"
"No Spamming Required"

would probably keep me if I was interested in such offer

Thanks

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Me

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Yet another copy critique request...

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